This is my review of “Rearranged.” I review as a reader.
I like how the first paragraph you explain that you don't count tears but changes, then proceed to list several things that have changed. The rhyming is funny; BM's, handicap spots, and vision tests. I grinned and chuckled.
Whether or not I'm deranged, I had a ball! Thanks for your poem!
This is my review of “Scars.” I review as a reader.
This story is creepy. I want to know more. Who earned the scars? Do her clothes cover all the marks? Who else knows about her situation? How is her whole life a mystery? Now the scars are communicating?!!?
Quote: “Rubbing the sensation away, she slowly ate her dinner until it faded away.”
“Away” appears twice in this sentence. On my first read through I thought her dinner faded away. On the second read realized the sensation did the fading.
This is a fine start to a story. Add some splashy adjectives, colors, sounds, etc. It's the difference between 'creepy.' and 'creepy!'
Congrats on your degree and job interview! Your chance to shine!
This is my review of “Once Upon an Empty Body.” I review as a reader.
Great short! It's interesting to think of who controls a body. Is it just one entity?
Enjoyed the phrase “His cheeks pinked, as did the parents' when he let out a shrill cry.” A quick search shows no use of the word 'pinked' with the meaning you are giving it here. “His cheeks pinked.” is so much more fun to read than “His cheeks turned pink.” or worse “His cheeks pinkened.” I hope this is a case of you making English do your bidding!
Thanks for the tips about giving reviews. Your partway-keep-their-attention line:
Uh, Wait. I Scrolled A Bit, And... This Is All Too Intense For Me.
Is placed perfectly. I thought it as I read it. The encouragement kept me reading. And I'm glad I did. Your suggestion to review as a reader made me realize I don't have to know if a sentence is written correctly, I can add value by just saying I didn't understand a sentence.
Using the Reviewing Tool to create a template will help me review better. I will heed your advice of keeping character behavior consistent, and watching the passive voice.
This is my review of your story “Reinora's Redemption.”
Quote: “Hevoin can’t stop shaking a little.”
Consider replacing with “Hevoin can't stop shaking.” “Shaking a little” sounds weird.
Wait, is this reality? Did this really happen? I think I need a male or female mental healthcare professional. I read that story and I was starting laughing so hard. I covered my face with my right hand because I was beginning to laugh so hard. Thank you for your story. You are a genius.
This is my review of Intergalactic Eating Competition (WIP).
Quote: "Brian took a syringe, and collected a small sample out of the dish, and put it onto the analysis plate of the DNA replicator."
This looks like a run on sentence.
Quote: "Brian was a strait-A student"
I don't know if you mean “straight-A student,” or you are referring to a narrow passage. As in “The gate be strait.”
Your description of 'spaceball' is fantastic, tears welled up in my eyes.
Quote: "his belly was stretching the fabric of his football jersey." (First paragraph of “Preliminary Results”)
I think this should be 'spaceball jersey'. There is another instance of this at the end of the story too.
“Belly-Burstin'-Banana Split-Barge.” Puts McDonald's measly 'supersize' to shame.
Great story! The dialog flows naturally and is sprinkled with dramatic irony. Matt's pride with his girth is amusing, and Dr. Fatguyluv's dubious encouragement provides a dark undertone. This makes me think of the abundance available in America, and how much encouragement there is to over indulge. I'm going to see what else you've written!
If you keep the sentence it needs a 'to' after 'had.' But consider rewording. Instead of emphasizing getting there soon, emphasize there wasn't much time left.
The story is relatable due to how wide spread cancer is.
Your hand in my hand, just forgot it was meant for a greeting you make sure that you count certain seconds before letting go.
It looks like this sentence needs to be restructured.
Whether or not to trust someone's smiles and words is a dark place to be. Ambivalence judging a person's merits while playing break up make up does cause confusion. And that whisper in my head! Oh, the trouble I've had with that guy!
Jay hated being singled out, and having to stand in front of a group and make a speech or presentation absolutely terrified him.
He had enjoyed the camaraderie, and considered the core group his closest friends.
These two sentences have awkward wording. The story in general was difficult to read because of the structure of the sentences.
Malcolm's death is described in such a passive way that re-reading the story was necessary to catch that point. Jay, with his slacker attitude and poor self-esteem, is relatable. That same low self-esteem guides him into a position he's not qualified for. Dodging the limelight is a theme many people can sympathize with. Connecting a son's low self-esteem with an angry, absentee father is believable. The dialog, however, is bland. Nothing in the story 'popped.” It doesn't have any kick.
This review is my opinion, take it or leave it as you see fit. I'm going to make a stereotypical assumption that the main character is male based on him listening to Metallica.
This is a great story about how a dysfunctional family dynamic can lead to psychotic behavior. It starts with the main character's discontent with his parent's preferential treatment of the older sister. It seems like the repetition of the word journey is referring to the journey the thwarted main character is going to have to endure in life due to his upbringing. Is that a stretch? The Metallica lyrics which portends coming tragedy builds further tension.
The story continues as animosity is stoked by the stolen key that left him outdoors. Facing further locked doors only increases the character's ire. The pile of bikes and trash reminds the character more of the father's inattentiveness.
A fall down stairs seemingly prevented by a prayer coming from the MP3 player leaves him wondering if God had intervened which brings fear. I'm not clear on what the character was going to do if the parents didn't come back soon. Something is being left unsaid and I can't fill in the blank.
Finally the character's psychosis is manifest in gaining revenge on the father by not telling him the step was broken. Very disturbing! The passive aggressive response of teenage angst to a dysfunctional family dynamic.
This story reminds me of a time I went 4 wheeling with my neighbor. It was dark and the area was new to me. The neighbor lead me up a steep hill. Speed was necessary to prevent stalling on the hill. Unknown to me was the sudden turn at the top. If the turn was over shot there was a potentially deadly fall on the other side. It was nerve wracking. Later when I was talking to my neighbor he commented on how I made that sharp turn. He said “I brought my other friend up there and he over shot it and broke both arms from crashing down the hill.” He was smiling when he said this. Very disturbing!
Good stuff here. Probably a moot point if no profits are involved but quoting song lyrics requires permission from the owner. Give consideration on using shower vs bath. I'm grammar blind so I don't give grammar advice.
How did the writing make you feel? Did it invoke any emotions?
The intro was a good touch as shows where the perspective came from. This poem made me want to live a more fulfilling life to be sure I could have decent answers to these questions.
Can you relate to the writing through a personal experience?
I do relate to this poem. “Was my ticket with tears and laughter bought?” Is a question I'll start to ask myself. I want to be sure I've lived fully, honestly, and laughed a lot.
Did the plot interest you? Were the characters believable? Did the dialog flow naturally?
I'm a meals on wheels driver (meals for home bound elders) so this poem hits real close to home. I took this job because I'm interested in end of life issues. And reflecting on how you lived your life certainly counts. As far as believable, I do believe your intro and this poem was written from the heart. The flow of the questions was fine mostly. The line “Did I along my pathway many lessons learn?” was difficult to swallow but that might be my problem not yours.
Did the time, place and other setting characteristics work together?
With the intro I did feel like I was getting the musings of an elder who's reflecting on and questioning a long lived life. The intro really made the poem work a lot better and I liked that the intro font color was black and the poem body was blue to differentiate between the two.
What did you like most? What did you like least? Did anything stand out?
I like the concept of a poem of questions. Especially as written by a senior. Its kinda proof that we never stop asking life's questions. What stood out was the idea that life might have been an illusion. I'm 42 years old myself and already my memory is failing on me and the faded past could easily be a fantasy.
Is there anything you would change within the writing?
Maybe write an answer to the poem in another poem?
Was the writing memorable? Why or why not?
While I liked the poem the questions are not striking or unusual and probably not meant to be, you're being honest not clever.
Here is some points to think about from your story.
In the 5th paragraph this sentence had an extra “is” in it:
“Bear in mind what I am trying to do is help you understand is that it did have an effect on me.”
In the 8th paragraph this appears to be a sentence splice:
“The nerve of this bitch I thought, who in the hell does she think she is? “
In the 11th paragraph this should be 'to hell with them'. Unless you are being coloquial.
“I just wanted what I wanted and the hell with them.”
In the 14th paragraph you have a typo. It should read “right heah”
"Then write it next to yo' name richt heah" said Mr. R.B. Carmichael pointing at the line next to where the young man had placed his signature.
In the 15th paragraph there appears to be a sentence splice and “Duchess” should have an apostrphy.
“Duchess unconditional love was about the only reason I would visit my in-laws, they had great disdain for me to say the least and rightfully so. “
In the 16th paragraph there appears to be a run on sentence:
“Ka-whomp, ka-whomp was the sickening sound from the tires as they rolled over poor Duchess my stomach turned as I squinted my eyes closed knowing damn well what had just happened.”
In the 17th paragraph there appears to be a run on sentence:
“The kids were part of a wedding party, they stood outside the car looking at Duchess as she dragged her crippled back legs trying to get across the street to where we were.”
I like the art work at the top of your piece, very alluring and of course Google knew what they were doing when they picked their colors.
The following appears to be a run on sentence or maybe a comma is used instead of a period:
"However, as of this posting they have not taken any action, Of course we know why that is, (Google does not care), as long as, the ad generates hits to drive revenue they would list, and promote anything, no matter, how detrimental it is to the online community."
This appears to be a run on sentence as well:
"It is a scam, let me repeat this,"if you are offered a deal, some super secret, information that is going to make you rich, and the only thing you need to do, is pay them for the cost of printing, and organizing the information."
It is an informative piece that points out an action you can take to help be part of the solution. Thanks for writing this and I'll be sure to report any fraud sites I come across.
I'm coming at your piece having previously not heard of “Mara”. I read a few paragraphs on Wikipedia about this character. I'm taking Mara to be a beautiful woman. So I might be off on that.
This poem reminds me of a couple fighting where the man is a bit more sophisticated than the woman. The woman is using petty arguments and insults to try and knock the protagonist off kilter. The protagonist is centered enough to avoid the confrontation. He is not seduced by the woman's beauty.
The woman seems to be confused by her desire for the man and in this confusion is a bit insulting in her attempt to own the man while he avoids her clutches.
Once the woman has launched her arrows her stance is made clear and she is revealed for having a malicious side, however, the protagonist has avoided her barrage and grounds himself by touching the earth.
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