I am writing this as I read it, so you know, somewhat to not forget what I see as I go.
Let me first bring up your use of the first person. This is an essay stating your personal beliefs, however, most guides rarely recommend the first person. A more powerful essay comes frequently without such use. Instead of suggesting, “I believe,” state your belief. On a controversial subject this remains difficult, but suggested.
The second suggestion is to watch your use of the passive voice. For an example, take the second paragraph:
The concept of God, I believe, was created to either confuse or simplify the idea of a Divine Intelligence enmeshed throughout the universe that causes flowers to grow, planets to orbit and babies to be conceived. In my mind, there is no way to deny intelligence operating in some form or fashion upon observance of such awe-inspiring phenomena. From this understanding it is but a very small step to interpret that there must be rules or Laws that this thing operates by to create in such an orderly and consistent manner.
This is a very weak paragraph for two reasons: first the use of belief and second the use of the passive voice. Here is a re-write of it:
Early man created the concept of God in order to either confuse or simplify the idea of a Divine Intelligence enmeshed throughout the universe. People used the idea of a Divine Intelligence to explain mysteries of nature such as growing flowers, orbiting planets, and the conception of children. The observation of such awe-inspiring phenomena insists in the presence of some operating intelligence. From that understanding, only a small step suggests that rules or Laws govern the operations of the Intelligence; Laws that explain the orderly and consistent manner of creation.
As this is an essay of an opinion, every statement above is a belief. There is no need to preface your arguments by explaining them as possibilities. Doing such only weakens the essay.
A second example of the weakness of the passive voice comes in the second paragraph, “In the beginning was the Word, and the word logically is preceded by thought.” Compare that sentence with a simple re-write, “In the beginning was the Word, therefore the Word logically precedes thought.” Logically remains important in this sentence, however the true message of the second half of the sentence is: “Word precedes thought.” Placing logically inside this only detracts from the message. Therefore, move it out: “Thus, logically, the Word precedes thought.”
In the third paragraph the fourth sentence, remove the comma after ‘mental.’ Also, the last sentence in the paragraph does not yet belong. To make it belong, tie it into the subject discussed in the paragraph. One suggestion is to break the previous sentence into two parts. Speak of leaving the notion of God the dictator in the first sentence. In the second sentence adopt the new definition of God the Divine Source, and include that such a God is both Biblical and scientific.
The fourth paragraph is important to the essay, but very weakly written once more. Organize it such that the reader, on the first read understands the point of the paragraph without work. Simplify the idea into a compact unit easily understood, or the reader will tire and not waste the energy on interpreting the sentence.
Do not re-write the paragraph sentence by sentence, but think over the message to convey to the reader. Organize the entire paragraph, then re-write the paragraph logically and concisely. Without well written paragraphs an essay fails regardless of content.
There are two different organizational patterns in essay writing. First one organizes the essay as a whole by defining the order of the paragraphs and how each flows to the next. Then each paragraph needs organization. This essay shows the first; each paragraph leads to next and leads to the conclusion. However, the essay needs work in the second area. Spend time on each paragraph, each sentence, and each word. Draw the reader down, and make the reader come to the logical conclusion of the essay. A weakly written essay loses all of its ability to persuade.
Another important part of an essay is the thesis. This essay lacks a strong thesis. Writing guides say a strong thesis writes the essay. Make sure in the conclusion to revisit the thesis. The conclusion in this essay is much stronger than the opening paragraph, but both require some work.
Oh, and you have a contraction in your opening paragraph.
As for content… what is there to say. Watch the secret with a strong, logically minded scientist. I understand electricity. Watch the secret with a good psychologist, the mind is so malleable. Watch the secret with a clever magician, the mind so wants to believe.
PS. I’ve not proof-read my comments. I’m no English professor. I have won arguments against English majors that their papers were rubbish. I’m not trying to be overly harsh. I hope this is taken well. If you hate me for it, I’m sorry. If you appreciate this, I’m glad.
-skold
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