Really enjoyed this one because it took me right back to childhood, explained how child-like imagination vanishes, but then returns if one is susceptible. A nice tour de force. This is better than working with the inner child, which is just a shadow of the real child. This encourages the reader to once again be that inner child.
The message here is the strongest part of the poem, which somehow reads lyrically, like a song accompanied by a single guitar. The meaning of the language is what grabs me, not necessarily the palette of expression. Reminiscent of Dylan's "Blowin' in the Wind" perhaps. You certainly have something to say but a few technical changes could make it outstanding. Consider references to real events (Darfur, Africa) to bring it home to the reader.
Musical, rhythmic, accurate, terrific. Highly recommended to anyone reading this review. You express in poetry what cannot be described in prose. Good use of the medium. I wish more poetry were like this.
The writing is very, very good. However, this appears as a fragment of a much longer story. For me to get involved in it I would need a lot more background information. The pacing is excellent. I would add more to the scene with dimensions in time and location. That would help me relate better and get even more drawn into the story and your technique.
Intriguing. You might want to try writing it in the third person and see if the story or descriptions change any. But don't toss out the first person version. But if you like the first-person version better, maybe you could try to give a little more description of the narrator, something we can picture and sympathize with a little more. There's lots of action, but maybe you could use a little more of the backstory? --sisyphus
Thanks for the info. I would be interested hearing more about Thomas Jefferson. Sounds intriguing. How did these people cope with their disorder? What made them different from people who's lives are totally dysfunctional? I guess the questions just go on and on, but it sure makes for interesting reading. --sisyphus
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