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1
1
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi
Kathie Stehr

🌟 In-Depth Critique of "The Tree of Good and Evil"
This narrative presents a profoundly tragic and arresting character study, utilizing the grim, institutional setting of Angola Prison to frame the life and death of Lee Anderson. The strength of this piece lies in its unflinching portrayal of human decline, the devastating grip of addiction, and a commentary on the cruelty inherent in the death penalty.
Character Development and the Arc of Tragedy
The story excels in establishing Lee Anderson as a sympathetic figure despite his monstrous crime. The initial description of his final, tortured hours sets a tone of immediate pity and dread, before the narrative steps back to explore his past.
The deliberate contrast between the "Leave it to Beaver" childhood and the charismatic, talented musician is crucial. Lee’s gentle nature—his preference for solitude, his devotion to his family, and his genuine respect for women—makes his eventual transformation into a switchblade-wielding, paranoid addict all the more heartbreaking. His initial passion for his guitar, "Sugar," which he treated with more care than any human relationship, effectively symbolizes his pure, untainted self. The description of losing his ability to play being more devastating than losing a woman is a beautiful line that encapsulates his early character.
The introduction of drugs marks the true turning point, handled here not as a simple choice but as an escalating, inevitable doom. The "Black Beauties" initially fulfill a need for energy, but quickly morph into a spiritual poison, transforming the gentle man into a "monster." The story vividly tracks the stages of addiction: from a desire for a "pick me up," to erratic behavior, to the loss of his band, to the ultimate, heartbreaking moment he pawns "Sugar." The line, "He was on the road to Hell," is earned through these painful steps. By the time he commits the robbery and murder, his actions are those of a person completely overtaken by a foreign entity—the demon of the drug—lending credence to his later reflection that "it hadn't been him that did the crime, it was the shit he was on."
Setting and Atmosphere
The Louisiana setting and the specific details regarding Angola Prison, or "the Farm," are richly utilized to ground the story in a palpable reality. The descriptions of the humid, hundred-degree heat and the lifers raising crops paint a picture of a brutal yet strangely functional microcosm. This environment reinforces the idea of finality and toil.
The contrast between the prison's working farm environment (coffins being made in the carpentry shop) and the sterile, clinical olive green execution room emphasizes the dehumanizing process of death row. The image of Lee carving his own eternal home, a fine wooden coffin with a tree and a quiet guitar, is a profoundly moving symbol of his final, drug-free state of grace and repentance.
Thematic Resonance
The story explores several major themes:
* The Destructive Cycle of Addiction: This is the central motor of the plot. The narrative is a cautionary tale, illustrating how quickly a good life can be obliterated. The swift descent from buying a guitar to committing murder within a few short years is harrowing and believable in the context of spiraling drug use.
* Redemption and Repentance: Once detoxed in prison, Lee becomes a "model prisoner." He is genuinely sorry, works diligently, and finds solace and purpose in music and carpentry. The act of making his own coffin and dedicating his final life to repentance showcases a powerful, quiet spiritual redemption.
* The Inhumanity of Punishment: The account of the botched execution is the story’s most visceral and impactful section. It moves the narrative beyond a simple crime-and-punishment arc into a searing critique of the death penalty. The descriptions of the jolts, the sizzling nerves, the screams, and the subsequent weeks of agonizing pain and infection are unbearable. This segment succeeds not just in shocking the reader, but in making Lee’s final, desperate desire for the chair to be fixed a terrifying and understandable plea. The refusal of the chair to kill him—the "Devil believed he needed to be punished more"—is a devastating metaphor for the torture inflicted by the system.
Style and Craft
The writing style is direct and leans heavily on vivid sensory details: the sound of grinding teeth, the bloody sirloin making him nauseous, the smell of the infected foot, the spraying jugular, and the weeping, putrid fluid of the burns. These details ensure the reader is fully immersed in Lee’s suffering, whether it's the paranoia of the addict or the agony of the condemned.
The pacing is skillful, employing the immediate, stressful present tense before diving into the detailed past, only to return to a heightened, agonizing present tense for the final act. This structure maximizes the emotional impact.
In conclusion, this is a masterful and disturbing piece of short fiction. It uses a well-constructed character and a distinct, hellish setting to deliver a tragic story about the loss of self to addiction and the agonizing, flawed nature of capital punishment. The blend of deeply moving personal details (the love for the guitar) with the horrific details of his death creates a narrative that is difficult to forget.

sindbad


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2
2
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi
Indale

This is a detailed review of "Burden of the Cursed – Chapter Four."
💜 Overall Impression
Chapter Four serves as a charming, quiet interlude focused heavily on character interaction and world-building, contrasting nicely with the action implied by the mention of the Fighter's Guild. The encounter between Tinnus and Edgar is the heart of the chapter, successfully showcasing a moment of kindness and trust that challenges Tinnus's fear of humans, as established in the final line. The pacing is deliberate, perhaps a little slow, but it achieves its goal of developing Tinnus's internal state and introducing a new, benevolent character, Edgar.
✨ Strengths
* Characterization through Dialogue and Action: The exchange between Tinnus and Edgar is the chapter's best feature. Edgar is immediately likable—absent-minded, frail, but wise and generous. Tinnus's polite, almost hesitant nature and his internal conflict about accepting the gift are clearly conveyed. The scene where he is muffled by the scrolls is a nice touch of physical comedy.
* Thematic Clarity: The central theme of human goodness is explicitly and effectively communicated, culminating in Adam's final explanation: "this is a good example of how humans really are. Good natured, caring and supportive." This makes the chapter feel purposeful within the larger narrative of Tinnus's journey.
* Sense of Place: The descriptions of the city—cobblestone roads, empty streets, the circular courtyard with the statue, and the patrols with burning torches—create a clear, low-fantasy, medieval-esque atmosphere. The world feels real and lived in.
* Pacing and Hook: The chapter ends with a strong, immediate hook—Adam's sudden need to leave the city. This raises the stakes and provides momentum for the next chapter after a relatively peaceful one.
📝 Tips for Improvement
* Dialogue Pacing: While the dialogue is strong, some exchanges, particularly Tinnus's repeated protests about taking the gift, feel slightly protracted. Streamlining these a little could increase the flow without losing the emotional impact.
> Example: Tinnus's four refusals ("I can't take it," "Surely I could purchase it," "I did not expect anything," "I can not. This is yours") could be condensed to two impactful protests to keep the pace moving towards Adam's intervention.
>
* Show, Don't Tell (Internal State): The final paragraph explicitly states Tinnus is "still afraid of humans." While the preceding actions (his hesitation to accept the gift) show this, the final sentence is a little redundant. Since the reader has just watched him struggle with accepting a kind gesture, the fear is already implied. Ending on the image of him accepting the book and the sudden change of plan might be more impactful.
* Minor Word Choice/Clarity: A few phrasing choices could be slightly refined for better clarity or stronger imagery:
* "Their glazes met briefly..." should be "Their gazes met briefly..." (A simple typo).
* "The old man's face screwed up for a moment..." is okay, but "contorted" or "crinkled" might be a more precise visual descriptor for confusion/hesitation.
* "He whispered slightly" could be simply "He whispered," as "slightly" doesn't add much to the action of whispering.
* "Purple Flame" Explanation: Edgar's explanation for his nickname is fun ("unexplainable ability to turn all of the fire... bright purple"). Tinnus's internal reaction—"The answer seemed a little far-fetched in his opinion..."—is a good touch of skepticism. However, if this is a fantasy world, perhaps Tinnus's doubt could be framed less as a judgment on the possibility of magic (since he knows it exists) and more as a judgment on Edgar's storytelling (is he exaggerating?).
✅ Summary
Chapter Four is a successful character-focused piece. It wisely utilizes the trope of the kind, elderly mentor figure to advance Tinnus’s emotional arc and provide him with a valuable plot device (the magic book). The contrast between Tinnus's fear and the human goodness he encounters is well-handled. The immediate shift in objective at the end provides a necessary jolt of excitement to propel the narrative forward. Overall, a solid chapter with strong character work...sindbad


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3
3
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi
Indale

Detailed Review: Burden of the Cursed — Chapter Three
​Chapter Three serves as a pivotal point, transitioning Adam and Tinnus from their immediate struggle for survival into a high-stakes espionage and escort mission. The chapter successfully establishes the setting of Medenral, introduces the mission's central conflict (the cursed girl), and provides a quiet moment for Tinnus to explore independently, setting up a likely cliffhanger or new peril.
​Overall Impression
​The chapter excels at world-building the Fighter’s Guild and establishing the framework for the plot's next major arc. The interaction between Adam and Guild Master Isaac is the driving force, effectively communicating the danger, the political intrigue, and the moral weight of the task. However, the pacing within the Guild Hall dialogue could be tightened, and Tinnus’s brief independent exploration needs to feel more significant to justify the separation.
​Strengths
​Plot Shift and Escalation: The introduction of the 'cursed girl' carrying vital news about an impending war is an excellent plot device. It raises the stakes significantly, connecting Adam’s personal struggle (protecting Tinnus) to a much larger, global conflict. This justifies why an outsider like Adam is needed and immediately makes his journey more dangerous.
​Theme of Prejudice Reinforcement: Adam's internal monologue while listening to Isaac’s heroic tales—contrasting the celebrated heroes with the immediate threat Tinnus faces just for existing—is a powerful and effective moment. It anchors the main theme of intolerance right before Adam accepts a noble mission, creating a poignant moral tension.
​Setting the Stage (Medenral): The initial descriptions of the city—the fountain, the fruit-bearing tree, the winding streets—are engaging and give the city a distinct, welcoming, yet slightly confusing atmosphere, which is important before the action begins.
​The Isaac-Adam Dynamic: Guild Master Isaac provides necessary exposition and establishes himself as a trustworthy, if stressed, authority figure. The scene confirms Adam’s reputation and provides the structural details needed for the mission.
​Suggestions for Improvement
​Pacing and Dialogue in the Guild Hall: The conversation with Guild Master Isaac, particularly his initial recounting of history and the "Scribe" discussion, slows the pacing considerably. While the sentiment is good, it could be condensed. Try to integrate the moral point about Tinnus into the existing mission details rather than pausing the action for a separate internal reflection.
​Example to review: Isaac's initial speech and Adam's subsequent interior monologue could be cut down to focus solely on the mission and the spies.
​Tinnus’s Separation: Tinnus's walk is set up as a significant moment ("He had the whole night"), but the section feels underdeveloped. If he is going to be alone, this needs to feel like either a relief, a true moment of danger, or a source of intrigue. As written, his exit feels like a temporary plot maneuver to keep him out of the mission briefing.
​Suggestion: Show Tinnus actively observing something that makes him nervous, or perhaps overhearing a conversation that ties back to the previous chapter's thugs or the new threat. Make his "walk about" immediately consequential.
​Clarity of the Curse: The description of the curse is slightly confusing: "If she tries to tell us, she is magically forced to stop…she has been cursed in a manner of speaking" and "The curse is indeed quite powerful, defiantly put in place by a Magician of incredible power." Clarifying whether the curse is meant to silence her (protection for a secret) or hurt/kill her (punishment) is important for reader understanding of the stakes. Isaac suggests both, which muddies the objective.
​Minor Word Choice: Similar to the previous chapter, a few words could be tightened (e.g., "perplex problem" could be "complex problem" or "difficult task"). The word "defiantly" is likely intended to be "definitely" or "clearly."
​The Next Step
​Chapter Three provides an excellent launching pad for the story's main action. You have two clear dangers now: the general prejudice against Tinnus and the specific enemies seeking the cursed girl. The next chapter will need to focus on blending Adam's protection of Tinnus with the demands of his new mission, preferably with Tinnus's brief independence leading to a complication..sindbad


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4
4
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi
Indale

Detailed Review: Burden of the Cursed — Chapter Two
​Chapter Two, "Burden of the Cursed," effectively advances the plot by placing Adam and Tinnus directly into the danger hinted at in the first chapter, immediately testing the boundaries of their secrecy. The tension built upon Tinnus’s hidden identity, the prejudice against the Savag, and Adam’s protective facade culminates in a high-stakes confrontation that resolves both the immediate threat and solidifies the central relationship.
​Overall Impression
​This chapter is a successful progression from the atmospheric setup of Chapter One. It expertly uses a simple setting (the Inn) to showcase the world's hostility and the depth of the protagonists' bond. The bar confrontation is quick and impactful, and the subsequent intimate scene provides a necessary, tender release from the tension. The chapter successfully navigates multiple narrative beats—tension, action, resolution, and romance—before setting the pair back on their journey.
​Strengths
​Pacing and Tension Management: The chapter is well-structured. The early nervousness, the friendly interaction with the Barkeeper, and the slow, inevitable creep of the suspicious locals build excellent tension. This payoff is immediate when Adam and the veteran, Erik, finally speak.
​The Barkeeper as a Catalyst: The Innkeeper is a fantastic secondary character. He serves two crucial roles: providing the necessary plot information (the map) and acting as a moral pivot point during the confrontation. His fierce defense of his establishment and his calculated lie ("Savag? Erik you drunken fool, he was as human as you are to me!") is a powerful, surprising moment that saves Adam and Tinnus.
​Character Dynamic and Romantic Development: The intimate scene explicitly confirms the romantic nature of Adam and Tinnus's "growing affection," which was a point of suggestion in the previous chapter. The descriptions—from Tinnus's feline features coming out in comfort to the playful dialogue—are tender and necessary given the high-stress environment they live in. It reinforces what they are risking everything to protect.
​Use of Detail: Tinnus’s physical tells (the wagging tail, the pricked kitten ears) are excellent, visual shorthands for his mood, making him feel truly hybrid and expressive.
​Suggestions for Improvement
​Dialogue Punctuation in the Confrontation: In the rapid-fire dialogue during the clash with Erik's group, ensure consistent punctuation and proper attribution, especially when the Barkeeper intervenes. For example, some dialogue could benefit from being broken up into separate lines for clearer flow during the argument.
​Example to review: "Savag? Erik you drunken fool, he was as human as you are too me!” Adam’s eyes rose for the moment..." The flow is a little confusing here, as Adam's reaction is placed immediately after the Barkeeper's line.
​Varying Dialogue Tags: While the dialogue is engaging, try using tags other than "asked," "said," and "bellowed" to describe the emotional state during the intimate scene, allowing the reader to experience the tenderness through action rather than telling (e.g., "Adam whispered, his voice catching," or "Tinnus groaned softly, leaning into the touch").
​Minor Word Choice: In a few places, simplifying the vocabulary slightly could enhance readability (e.g., "dire and sickening" to describe Erik's breath could be shortened for punchier effect). The grammar and tense usage are mostly solid in this chapter, which is a great improvement.
​Encouragement
​You have effectively paid off the emotional investment from Chapter One by escalating the risk and cementing the romantic connection between Adam and Tinnus. The tension in the bar was exceptionally well-handled, and the final scene of affection provides a beautiful moment of peace before they face the challenges of the road ahead. You have a compelling story here; keep focusing on tightening the action sequences and refining your dialogue tags!
sindbad


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5
5
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi
Indale

Detailed Review: Burden of the Cursed — Chapter One
​"Burden of the Cursed" Chapter One has a potent, atmospheric opening that immediately draws the reader into a tempestuous fantasy world. The writing vividly sets the stage with a bleak, stormy introduction and quickly establishes a sense of urgency and vulnerability in its traveling protagonists. Adam and Tinnus, brought to life through intimate details and emotive backstory, are instantly compelling, especially as the chapter introduces the high stakes of the Savag species and the pervasive themes of prejudice, survival, and profound loyalty.
​Overall Impression
​This chapter successfully establishes a dark, high-stakes fantasy narrative centered on an emotional bond forged in trauma. The atmosphere is excellent, and the core conflict—Tinnus’s need to hide his true nature to survive—is deeply resonant. The author has done strong work creating two protagonists whom the reader is immediately invested in protecting.
​Strengths
​Atmospheric World-Building: The opening description of the "furious storm" and the "vast golden forest" is powerful, establishing a palpable sense of cold, wet danger that mirrors the characters' emotional vulnerability.
​Compelling Character Dynamic: The relationship between Adam and Tinnus is the chapter’s greatest strength. Adam’s fierce, protective compassion, contrasted with Tinnus’s quiet fear and pride, creates a magnetic emotional anchor. The intimate moment shared before entering the Inn reinforces their commitment to each other.
​Effective Backstory Integration: The extensive flashback detailing Tinnus’s rescue is skillfully woven into the present-day tension. It gives necessary context to the "burden" in the title and raises the stakes, explaining precisely why Tinnus must hide.
​Emotional Depth: The chapter handles themes of survival, prejudice, and traumatic escape with sensitivity. The author makes the reader feel the constant threat Tinnus faces, justifying the high tension of a simple act like entering an Inn.
​Suggestions for Improvement
​Pacing and Paragraph Length: Several paragraphs, particularly the one detailing Tinnus’s full backstory and the sequence on the pirate ship, are quite long. Breaking these up into smaller, focused paragraphs would significantly improve readability and flow, allowing the reader to process the heavy emotional information more easily.
​Restraint in Trauma Detail: While the flashback is necessary, the description of Tinnus’s abuse on the pirate ship is very graphic and extended. To maintain the emotional impact without sacrificing pacing, consider implying some of the brutal details or summarizing the sailors' actions slightly more concisely. This is a stylistic choice, but tighter control over the prose in this intense section could enhance its power.
​Clarity of Affection: The affection between the two is implied through Adam's pity, rescue, and the kiss on the forehead. Given the "LGBTQ+" tag, ensuring that the nature of their "growing affection" is clearly established—whether it is parental, fraternal, or romantic—will serve the narrative well.
​Encouragement
​This chapter lays a profoundly emotional foundation for an action/adventure fantasy story. The core relationship and the high stakes of Adam's secret harbor a huge amount of potential. The setting is vivid, the characters are richly drawn, and the premise is immediately engaging. Keep focusing on refining the pacing and flow, as your character work is truly exceptional and makes readers feel deeply invested in the fate of Adam and Tinnus...sindbad


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6
6
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Kathie Stehr

Title: Review of "I Listen for Words no Longer Heard"

General Impressions and Thematic Analysis
This poem presents a profound exploration of the intricate relationship between creativity, love, and heartbreak. It tackles the classic artistic dilemma: is the muse fueled by joy, or is language truly found, as the poem suggests, in the "river of pain"? The piece takes the reader on a distinct narrative journey, beginning with the stagnation of writer’s block, moving through the vibrant restoration of inspiration through love, and concluding with the devastating silence of abandonment.
The title, "I Listen for Words no Longer Heard," is immediately evocative. It sets a tone of longing and absence before the first line is even read. It suggests that the speaker is straining to hear something that has already vanished, positioning the reader in a space of echoes and memory.
The poem is successful in personifying the act of writing. By treating the "Gods of Literature" and the "Muse" as characters within the narrative, the poem transforms the internal struggle of creativity into an external dialogue. This makes the abstract concept of "writer's block" feel tangible and urgent.
Stanza-by-Stanza Critique and Imagery
The Haunting of the White Page (Stanzas 1–2)
The opening imagery is stark and relatable. Describing clean white pages as something that "haunts" rather than invites is a strong choice. It immediately establishes the anxiety of the speaker. The command from the Gods of Literature to "search your beating heart" and the assertion that "Language flows in the river of pain" acts as the thesis statement for the entire piece. It foreshadows the ending—implying that to write well, one must suffer.
The second stanza offers a defense mechanism: blaming the Muse. The description of the Muse as "overworked, abused, sleep deprived" is a clever way to describe the speaker's own mental exhaustion. It adds a layer of psychological depth, showing that the speaker is projecting their inability to write onto an external entity.
The Memory of Fertility (Stanzas 3–4)
There is a lovely nostalgia in the third stanza. The shift to "Once upon a time" signals a fairy-tale past where writing was easy. The metaphor of the "empty canvas" being "fertile" creates a paradox—usually, emptiness implies barrenness, but here it implies potential.
The fourth stanza, mentioning a "festival of metaphors" and a "rainbow of similes," is meta-poetic. The speaker is writing about the tools of writing. This section feels innocent and light, contrasting sharply with the "river of pain" mentioned earlier. It establishes the baseline of happiness that will eventually be lost.
** The Catalyst of Love (Stanzas 5–6)**
When the lover enters the poem, the tone shifts from introspection to observation. The description of the partner sketching with "intense joy" serves as a mirror. The speaker watches the partner create, and that vicarious passion "floods the room."
This leads to the sixth stanza, which contains some of the poem's most fluid imagery. "Ripened fruit to be picked" suggests that the words were always there, just waiting for the right season (love) to harvest them. The "waterfall" of emotions connects back to the earlier "river," linking the water imagery throughout the poem.
The Shift in Tone (Stanza 7)
The seventh stanza introduces a significant shift in diction and imagery. The poem moves from romantic and literary metaphors (gardens, rainbows, waterfalls) to biological and physiological terms ("Egg greet sperm," "Pimples," "gangly limbs," "larva").
While the intent here is clearly to show the inevitable cycle of growth and change—mirroring the lifecycle of a relationship—the vocabulary jars against the established aesthetic of the poem. The sudden introduction of clinical terms interrupts the emotional flow established by the "Gods of Literature" and "Virgins pages." The transition from the spiritual/emotional realm to the biological realm feels abrupt. This stanza stands out as the one area where the metaphor may be working against the overall mood of the piece.
The Shattering (Stanza 8)
The conclusion is powerful. The metaphor "Kaleidoscope breaks" is excellent. A kaleidoscope creates beauty through broken pieces and light; when it shatters, not only is the pattern lost, but the mechanism for seeing beauty is destroyed. This perfectly encapsulates the feeling of a breakup.
The final lines return the speaker to the beginning. The "tunnel of sorrow" echoes the "river of pain." The ending is cyclical—the speaker is left with the word "Fool!" echoing. This implies a harsh realization: perhaps the "Gods of Literature" were right in the first stanza. The pain has returned, and presumably, the ability to write might eventually return with it, born of this new trauma.
Suggestions for Refinement
1. Diction and Consistency:
The primary area for revision lies in the seventh stanza. To maintain the lyrical and somewhat gothic/romantic tone of the rest of the poem, consider replacing the biological references with metaphors that fit the established "nature/art" motif. Instead of "egg and sperm," you might use imagery involving seasons changing, tides turning, or seeds struggling in the soil. This would keep the reader immersed in the emotional landscape without the distraction of clinical terminology.
2. Showing vs. Telling:
In the fifth stanza ("Abundant passion floods the room"), the poem relies on "telling" the reader that passion is present. To make this more visceral, focus on the sensory details of that passion. How does the air feel? Is it heavy? Is it electric? Does the silence vibrate? Describing the effect of the passion is often more powerful than naming the emotion itself.
3. Cliché vs. Originality:
Phrases like "virgin pages," "long winter's nap," and "eternal sunshine" are recognizable idioms. While they communicate the idea clearly, they are familiar territory for the reader. Because the speaker clearly has a "festival of metaphors" at their disposal, challenging these lines to find more unique, specific descriptions could elevate the poem from "good" to "unforgettable." For example, instead of "eternal sunshine," describe the specific quality of the light the lover brings—is it a morning glare, a twilight glow, or a harsh noon light?
Conclusion
"I Listen for Words no Longer Heard" is a moving piece of poetry that successfully articulates the fragile ecosystem of an artist's heart. It captures the tragedy of finding a muse in another person, only to lose both the person and the inspiration when they leave. The circular narrative—starting with a demand for pain and ending with the arrival of pain—gives the poem a strong sense of structural integrity. With some smoothing of the tonal shifts in the later stanzas, this piece has the potential to be deeply resonating for anyone who has ever bled onto a page...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
7
7
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi

Kathie Stehr

This is the second review of your work and I enjoyed it thoroughly.
Review: Blessings of Mother Nature
Overall Impression
This is a heartwarming piece of flash fiction that captures the essence of "making lemonade out of lemons"—or in this case, a winter wonderland out of a spring storm. The story revolves around resilience and the power of love to transcend circumstances. I particularly appreciated the twist of an April snowstorm in South Carolina, which creates an immediate, vivid atmosphere.
What stands out most is the historical context implied here. With a copyright date of 2009, the line "They had waited so long to be legally known as a committed couple" carries significant emotional weight. It transforms this from a simple story about bad weather into a story about endurance and triumph.
What I Liked (Highlights)
* Positive Tone: Raine’s reaction to the snow is infectious. Instead of panicking, she sees it as "serendipity." It establishes her character immediately as an optimist.
* Sensory Details: You did a lovely job appealing to the senses. The "heavenly aroma of coffee," the "vanilla scented cheek," and the "scratching sound" at the window all help ground the reader in the scene.
* The "Snow Women": The detail about the guests making "two snow women with veils" was charming and perfectly visualized the joy of the reception. It showed the community rallying around the couple.
* The Mother’s Reaction: I liked the characterization of Edna. Her crying wasn't out of disapproval of the relationship, but worry that the event was ruined. It was a very human, parental reaction that contrasted well with Raine’s calm.
Suggestions for Improvement
* "Show, Don't Tell":
* Current: "This was a strong ten year relationship that had withstood many attempts to fracture it."
* Suggestion: Instead of telling us the relationship is strong, show us a moment between Raine and Sharon. perhaps a shared look during the chaos, or a squeeze of the hand that conveys, "We've been through worse than snow." This would make the emotional payoff stronger.
* Pacing and Transitions: The story moves very quickly from the kitchen conversation to the wedding being over ("So, in a winter wonderland..."). I would have loved to see just one paragraph describing the ceremony itself. How did the snow look on the flower-filled gazebo? Did their breath mist in the air as they said their vows? Slowing down for that climax would make the ending feel earned.
* Dialogue Punctuation: There is a small technical note on dialogue. When a speech tag follows a quote, use a comma inside the quotation marks.
* Current: "I am getting married, Mom, that is what we will do".
* Correction: "I am getting married, Mom, that is what we will do**," she said.** (Or simply place the period inside the quotes if there is no tag).
Final Thoughts
This is a sweet, romantic snapshot of a specific moment in time. It reminds the reader that the perfection of a wedding isn't in the weather or the plans, but in the people. It leaves the reader with a warm, fuzzy feeling—much like the hot buttered rum mentioned in the end!
Rating: 5 Stars (Very Good)

sindbad


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8
8
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi

Kathie Stehr

Here is a detailed review of "Deserving a Second Chance".
This is a powerful, emotionally heavy piece that effectively uses the "twist ending" technique to recontextualize everything the reader has just read. Below is a breakdown of the story’s elements, highlighting what works well and offering suggestions for refinement.
Overall Impression
The story creates a stark contrast between the innocence of the past (the tree, the quilt, the dreams) and the horrific reality of the present. It is a tragedy about guilt—not just the guilt of surviving, but the crushing weight of believing one is the cause of the tragedy. The ending delivers a visceral punch that explains the narrator's self-loathing in a way the reader doesn't expect.
Strengths
1. The Central Metaphor (The Tree)
The parallel drawn between the narrator and the apple tree is strong.
* Quote: "Now it appears as sad and damaged as I feel."
* Analysis: Using the tree as a mirror for the narrator's soul is a classic literary device, but it works well here. The transition from the tree being a place of "lovers whispering sacred words" to a place where the narrator hallucinates blood ("oozing from under the tree") effectively bridges the gap between the nostalgic opening and the traumatic middle.
2. Sensory Details
The writing excels when describing physical sensations, particularly the unpleasant ones.
* The Crash: The description of the accident is vivid. "Exploding glass," "sinking crash," and specifically the "metallic smell that invades your mouth and stomach" are excellent tactile details.
* The Aftermath: The description of the narrator's injuries—specifically the "heaviness like I have a full diaper between my legs"—is uncomfortably real. It strips away the glamour of "tragedy" and leaves only the gritty, ugly reality of medical recovery.
3. The Twist Ending
The ending is the strongest part of the narrative. Throughout the story, the reader assumes the narrator's despair comes solely from vanity (loss of beauty) or general survivor's guilt.
* The revelation—"Michael, I want a divorce"—immediately followed by the crash transforms the story from a medical drama into a psychological horror. It explains why the narrator feels they "don't deserve to heal." It validates the title in a dark, ironic way (does she deserve a second chance at life after causing a death?).
Constructive Critique & Areas for Improvement
1. The "Horse Fire" Subplot
There is a significant section in the middle regarding a fire that killed two horses (Wind Chaser and Velvet) while the narrator was in college.
* Critique: While tragic, this section feels slightly disconnected from the main narrative arc (The Tree \rightarrow The Accident \rightarrow The Guilt). It slows the pacing down.
* Suggestion: Consider shortening this section or weaving it tighter into the theme. Unless the fire is meant to foreshadow that "bad things happen when I am not paying attention," it distracts slightly from the emotional buildup to the car crash.
2. Narrative Voice and Phrasing
At times, the prose leans slightly into melodrama, which can weaken the impact of the genuine trauma.
* Example: "Secretly, they hoped love would open a girl’s secret garden and let them in before a bayonet destroyed their dreams forever."
* Suggestion: This phrasing is a bit flowery compared to the gritty realism of the hospital scenes. tightening the language in the flashback sections would make the transition to the "horror" of the present day even sharper.
3. The Transition to the Crash
The transition where the narrator falls to the ground and the memory returns ("I fall to the ground. The accident comes back...") is a bit abrupt.
* Suggestion: You might smooth this out by having a physical trigger at the tree spark the memory. For example, perhaps a jagged branch touches her face, mimicking the glass from the windshield, which then triggers the flashback.
Specific Line Edits/Notes
* "Its' leaves are gone..." \rightarrow Grammar correction: This should be "Its leaves" (no apostrophe for the possessive pronoun).
* "People don't just stare, they gawk." \rightarrow This is a good line, but it tells rather than shows. A short sentence describing a child pointing or a cashier looking away would add more emotional weight.
* "They would fulfill their families destiny..." \rightarrow Grammar correction: "families' destiny" (plural possessive) or "family's destiny" (singular possessive).
The Verdict
Rating: 4 out of 5 Stars.
This is a compelling piece of flash fiction. The juxtaposition of the romanticized past against the brutalized present creates a high level of tension. The final sentence serves as a "mic drop" moment that forces the reader to immediately re-read the story with a new perspective on the narrator's self-hatred.
To make this hit harder, you need to ensure the reader doesn't suspect the divorce angle too early. The story currently does this well, but you can tighten the foreshadowing.
​Current: "The creature in the mirror is my punishment."
​Analysis: This is great because it has a double meaning.
​Suggestion: Keep the focus strictly on her physical pain until the very end. The sudden pivot from physical pain to emotional confession is what creates the "shock."
​2. Deep Dive: The "Horse Fire" Section (Structural Critique)
​I previously mentioned this section feels disconnected. Here is a more detailed breakdown of why, and options for fixing it.
​The Problem:
The story follows a specific emotional track: Nostalgia \rightarrow Trauma \rightarrow Guilt.
The story about the horses (Wind Chaser and Velvet) is a "Tragedy Loophole." It is a tragedy that happened to the narrator, not because of her. It is an accident of nature/fate. It distracts from the main conflict, which is the car crash (a tragedy of human error).
​Option A: Cut it.
If you remove paragraphs 7 and 8 (the fire and the rebuilding), the story flows directly from the nostalgia of the tree to the "fractured and broken" reality of the present. This tightens the pacing significantly.
​Option B: Thematic Integration.
If you want to keep it, you must tie it to the ending.
​Current: It’s just a sad story about horses dying.
​Revision Idea: Make the narrator feel guilty about the horses too. Did she leave a lantern on? Did she forget to check the gate? If she has a history of blaming herself for tragedies, the horses fit the pattern. If not, it feels like "filler" tragedy.
​3. Deep Dive: Imagery & Tonal Shift
​The story relies on a sharp contrast between the Romantic Past and the Clinical Present.
​The Romantic Past (The Tree):
The language here is deliberately flowery ("rubies," "sapphire," "secret garden," "lovers' kiss").
​Critique: This works well to show her naive view of the world before the accident. However, be careful not to overdo it. Phrases like "lovers came to whisper sacred words" border on cliché.
​Elaboration: Try to ground the past in specific memories rather than general ones. Instead of general lovers, maybe hint at a specific memory of Michael under that tree when things were good. This makes the ending (divorcing him) even sadder.
​The Clinical Present (The Hospital/Recovery):
This is where the writing is strongest. The description of the recovery is gritty and unglamorous.
​Highlight: "There is a strange feeling of heaviness like I have a full diaper between my legs."
​Why this is brilliant: It is humiliating. Tragedy is often portrayed as noble or dramatic in movies. In real life, it involves catheters, infections, and indignity. This line grounds the horror in reality.
​Elaboration: Lean into this more. The contrast between the "noble" soldiers dying under the tree and her "ignoble" survival (skin grafts, infection) highlights her feeling of unworthiness.
​4. Specific Rewriting Examples
​Here are concrete examples of how to tighten the prose for better impact.
​Example 1: The Transition Scene
​Original: "I fall to the ground. The accident comes back in vivid color. I remember screaming tires..."
​Critique: It feels a bit like a movie scene where the screen gets wavy.
​Proposed Edit: Connect the environment to the memory.
​"I stumble, my hand catching on the rough, dead bark of the tree. The texture scrapes my palm—a sharp, stinging sensation that snaps the present away. Suddenly, it isn't bark scratching me; it's glass. The silence of the pasture shatters into the sound of screaming tires..."
​Example 2: The Face Reveal
​Original: "I will never have a normal face because of the irregular skin surfaces. There are patches and scars and my mouth doesn't close like it should."
​Critique: "Irregular skin surfaces" is very clinical/passive.
​Proposed Edit: Make it visceral.
​"My face is a map of irregular terrain. Patches of donor skin sit like islands on a sea of scar tissue. My mouth, pulled tight by the graft, refuses to close completely, leaving me in a permanent, silent gasp."
​5. Final Polish Checklist
​If you are revising this, check these specific technical points:
​Apostrophe Usage: Check "Its'" (incorrect) vs "Its" (correct). Check "families destiny" vs "families' destiny."
​Tense Consistency: The story mostly stays in the present tense ("I stand," "I remember"), but slips into past tense occasionally. Ensure you stay strictly in the present tense for the "now" scenes to keep the immediacy.
​Dialogue Formatting:
​"Michael, I want a divorce."
​This line is perfect. Do not change it. It should stand alone on its own line for maximum impact...sindbad
​


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9
9
Review of Indigo Girl  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Hyperiongate

I have visited your portfolio and did find this very interesting story in the auto reward section. And the impressing thing about belonging and the nuances as so very well captured here. The sensitivity and maturity both coexist and thrive here.
Here is a detailed review of "Indigo Girl."
Overall Impression
This is a touching, heartwarming story that blends supernatural elements with a classic adoption narrative. You have taken the concept of "Indigo Children"—often described as highly empathetic or psychic—and used it to explain the bond between a mother and daughter.
The story succeeds in creating an emotional arc. We feel sorry for Angela in her isolation, frustrated by the cold bureaucracy of the orphanage, and finally relieved by the connection at the end. The twist—that Samantha is also an "Indigo"—is the perfect way to resolve the conflict. It explains why Samantha felt the "tug" and why Angela wasn't overwhelmed by her presence.
Strengths
1. Sensory Description of Empathy
You did a great job describing what it feels like to be Angela. Instead of just saying "she was psychic," you described the physical toll of it:
* "...her mind became flooded with pictures, voices, sounds and emotions."
* "Breathing became difficult. It felt as if she were drowning..."
This allows the reader to understand why she is non-verbal. She isn't just being difficult; she is protecting herself. This makes her a very sympathetic protagonist.
2. The Antagonist
Ms. Hartman serves as an effective foil to Samantha. Her cold, business-like approach ("She wanted a sale; to move the merchandise") highlights Samantha’s warmth and intuition. While Hartman is a bit of a villain, she provides the necessary conflict to make Samantha’s choice feel rebellious and right.
3. The Ending
The final line—"The two indigo girls, mother and daughter - teacher and pupil"—is a fantastic conclusion. It reframes the entire story. Suddenly, we understand that Samantha isn't just saving Angela; she is the only person equipped to understand her. It turns a simple adoption story into a story about destiny.
Areas for Improvement & Suggestions
1. Point of View (POV) "Head-Hopping"
This is the main technical area to watch. The story shifts perspectives very rapidly, sometimes within the same scene.
* Example: In the office scene, we are in Ms. Hartman’s head ("She wanted this one"), then immediately in Samantha’s head ("Forcing a smile, Samantha reached over...").
* The Fix: Try to stick to one character’s perspective per scene (or use a scene break/asterisks to signal the switch). For instance, keep the office scene entirely from Samantha’s point of view. We can guess Hartman is desperate by her actions; we don't need to hear her inner thoughts to know she is pushy. This creates more tension for the reader.
2. "Show, Don't Tell" in the Intro
The story opens with a dictionary-style definition of Indigo children: "New-Agers believe that children born with an indigo-colored aura..."
* The Fix: Consider cutting the first three paragraphs and starting directly with Ms. Hartman or Angela. You do such a good job describing Angela’s powers later in the story (the noise, the overwhelming feelings) that the reader will figure it out. You could weave the term "Indigo" into the dialogue at the end, or have Samantha think it, rather than explaining it to the reader upfront. It adds a bit more mystery.
3. Mike’s Role
Poor Mike! He is there, holding Samantha's hand, but he has zero dialogue and no input on the decision.
* The Fix: Give Mike a line or two. Does he feel the connection too? Or is he confused? Even if he just asks, "Samantha, are you sure?" it would make him feel like a real participant in the scene.
4. Dialogue Polish
Ms. Hartman’s dialogue is a little "on the nose"—meaning she says exactly what she is thinking without much filter.
* Example: "I am sure you will be very pleased," she said in a way that made Samantha wince.
* Suggestion: Make her sound more like a salesperson trying to hide her desperation. Instead of just saying she wants a sale, have her over-hype the kids. "We have a lovely boy, very quiet, perfect for a young couple." It makes her manipulation more subtle and realistic.

Now I dive deep into the understanding and remedy.


1. The "Indigo" Lore: Integration vs. Exposition
The Issue:
The story opens with a textbook definition: "New-Agers believe that children born with an indigo-colored aura..."
While this ensures the reader understands the premise, it removes the mystery. By telling us immediately that Angela is "Indigo" and what that means, you rob the reader of the joy of discovery.
The Fix:
Imagine if you removed the first three paragraphs entirely. Start with Ms. Hartman looking at the files.
* Why this works better: We would see Angela suffering on the playground—the noise, the overwhelming emotions—and we would wonder, "Is she autistic? Is she telepathic?"
* The Reveal: Save the word "Indigo" for the very end. When Samantha sits down, instead of just saying "I'm going to be your mommy," she could whisper, "I see your colors, Angela. They're the same as mine." This makes the title of the story a payoff at the end, rather than a definition at the start.
2. The Pacing of the Adoption (Suspension of Disbelief)
The Issue:
The ending is emotionally satisfying but logically incredibly fast.
* The Sequence: Samantha looks out the window -> Samantha walks to the playground Samantha says "I am going to be your mommy" -> They walk away hand-in-hand.
* The Reality Gap: Even in fiction, adoptions—especially of "problem children"—involve immense paperwork, background checks, and transition periods. Walking off "into their new world" immediately feels a bit like a dream sequence rather than a narrative resolution.
The Fix:
You can keep the emotional beat without breaking reality.
* Suggestion: Have the connection happen on the playground (the touch, the shared aura). Then, cut to a scene in Ms. Hartman’s office where Samantha is fiercely signing papers while Mike looks bewildered but supportive.
* OR: End the story right at the touch on the playground. End it with the promise of adoption, rather than the act of walking away.
* Drafting Idea: "Samantha looked back at the office window where Ms. Hartman stood watching. She knew the paperwork would be a nightmare. She knew the state would put up a fight. But looking at Angela, she knew the war was already won."
3. The "Invisible Husband" Problem (Mike)
The Issue:

Mike is described as holding hands and walking, but he has zero agency. He is a prop.
* Why this matters: Adopting a special needs child (which is what they think Angela is) requires two yes votes in a marriage. If Samantha decides unilaterally, it makes her look impulsive and potentially unstable, rather than intuitive.
The Deep Fix:
You need to give Mike a reaction to validate Samantha’s choice.
* Scenario: When Samantha runs to the playground, have Mike run after her.
* Dialogue:
* Mike: "Sam, wait, they said she doesn't talk."
* Samantha: "She talks to me, Mike. Can't you feel it?"
* Mike: (Pauses, looks at the girl, sighs, then smiles). "Okay. I trust you."
* Result: This makes the couple a team and makes the ending much stronger.
4. The "Head-Hopping" (POV Analysis)
This is the technical aspect that most needs work. Let's look at the "Playground Scene" specifically.
Current Text:
Angela saw her approach. Understanding broke across her consciousness... (Angela's Head)
Samantha had to circle around the metal wall... (Observation/Samantha)
Samantha reached out... She looked like an angel. (Samantha's Head)
"I know," Angela replied smiling... (Dialogue)

Why it weakens the scene:
By jumping into Angela’s head to say "Understanding broke across her consciousness," you lower the tension. We know she is safe.
Proposed Rewrite (Staying in Samantha’s POV):
If you stay purely in Samantha's head, the tension remains high. She doesn't know if the girl will scream or run.
Samantha approached the metal structure. The little girl stiffened, her eyes wide and terrified. Samantha froze, terrified she had made a mistake. She lowered her mental shields, projecting the only thing she felt: safety. Slowly, the fear drained from the child's face.

See the difference? It feels more active because we aren't being told what Angela is thinking; we have to figure it out alongside Samantha.
5. Line-by-Line Polishing
* Text: "Her safe place was only steps away... A sudden squeal... caused her to glance up briefly - big mistake."
* Critique: "Big mistake" is a bit colloquial/casual for the serious tone of the rest of the story. Consider: "It was a mistake that cost her the silence she craved."
* Text: "Ms. Hartman was well aware of how the month had gone so far."
* Critique: This is "telling." Show us her looking at a quota chart, or sighing at a calendar on her desk.
* Text: "New-Agers believe..."
* Critique: Using the specific term "New-Agers" dates the story and feels a bit clinical. It takes the reader out of the fiction.
Summary of "More" Advice
* Cut the Intro: Let the story be a mystery until the end.
* Empower Mike: Give him a line of dialogue so he isn't just a cardboard cutout.
* Fix the Head-Hopping: Choose one POV per scene (Samantha’s is likely the strongest driver for the plot) to increase emotional tension.
* Ground the Ending: Acknowledge the reality of adoption paperwork, even if just for a sentence, to make the magical connection feel more earned.

Final Thoughts

"Indigo Girl" is a sweet, satisfying short story. The connection between the characters is the heart of the piece, and you nailed that chemistry. The reveal that they share the same gift provides a wonderful sense of closure—Angela isn't just getting a home; she's getting a mentor.
With a little tightening of the POV to stop the "head-hopping," this would be an incredibly polished piece of fiction.
Great job capturing the feeling of finding where you belong..sindbad


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10
10
Review of Ready To Fly  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Joel Cobbs

Here is a detailed review of "Ready To Fly."
Overall Impression
This is a heartwarming and reflective story that touches on themes of humility, the hollowness of fame, and the shared human connection found in simple work. The dynamic between the narrator—an older janitor who has found peace in his station—and Hardy Cole—a superstar who has lost his way—is compelling.
You have written a modern-day parable. It reminds me of stories where a king dresses as a peasant to find out what real life is like. The core message, that mopping a floor can be more spiritually fulfilling than a stadium concert if the heart is in the right place, is very powerful.
Strengths
1. The Narrator’s Voice and Details
The narrator is the strongest part of this piece. You gave him specific, grounding details that made him feel real.
* The details: The wobbly wheel on the mop bucket, the specific struggle with the plumbing heating up, and the tattered copy of Tom Sawyer—these are excellent touches. They ground the story in reality.
* The philosophy: His explanation of why he likes mopping ("Back and forth, back and forth, like the wind blowing a small leaf") was poetic and beautiful. It perfectly explained why Hardy would envy him.
2. The Ending
The image of the two men—one a famous musician, one a janitor—mopping the floor together until sunrise is a fantastic way to end the story. It creates a quiet, shared victory. It implies that Hardy found the peace he was looking for, not on a stage, but in the fellowship hall.
3. The Backstory of the Piano
The scene in Chapter 5 where Hardy discovers his talent in the empty sanctuary is very moving. The transition from playing for himself to being discovered by the music director felt organic and earned.
Areas for Improvement
1. "Show, Don't Tell"
This is the biggest area where the story could be elevated. Currently, the story relies heavily on summary. The narrator tells us what Hardy told him, rather than letting us see the scenes or hear the dialogue directly.
* Current: "He received many beatings... He also received many beatings over girls."
* Suggestion: instead of summarizing years of bullying, describe one specific incident. Let us see the fear in his eyes or hear the taunts.
* Current: "They fought the whole night. He would say something and she would give a retort."
* Suggestion: Give us the actual dialogue. Let us hear the specific nasty thing Camilla said to him. This makes the conflict feel immediate and real.
2. Chapter Structure
The story is divided into ten very short chapters. Because they are so short, it breaks the reader's immersion.
* Suggestion: You could easily combine these into three or four longer sections. For example, merge the childhood backstory into one section, the rise to fame into another, and the present-day conversation into the connecting threads. This would improve the flow.
3. The Agent/Downfall Plot
The section about Camilla and the New York Times article feels a bit rushed and cliché compared to the rest of the story. The jump from "I have a bad agent" to "Everyone hates me because of an article" happens very fast.
* Critique: It feels a bit like a list of bad things that happened, rather than a natural progression of his career.
* Suggestion: You might not need all that detail. The important part is that he became disillusioned with fame. You could simplify this by just saying the industry made him into a product he didn't recognize, rather than getting into the specifics of Hurricane Katrina and specific newspaper articles.
4. Dialogue
Because the narrator is summarizing Hardy's life, we miss out on the chemistry between the two men.
* Suggestion: Use more direct dialogue (quotes). Let them banter a bit more while they are setting up the mop buckets. Let Hardy tell his story in his own words ("You wouldn't believe it, man. I was in a hotel room in Mississippi...") rather than the narrator saying, "He said he was in a hotel room..."
Final Thoughts
You have a beautiful concept here. The idea that a "farewell tour" ends not with a bang, but with a quiet night of cleaning floors, is poetic irony at its best.
If you take some time to expand the scenes—turning the summaries into active moments with dialogue and sensory details—this story will pack a much bigger emotional punch. The heart of the story is already in the right place; it just needs a little more "showing" to let the reader feel it too.
Great job on the ending!

sindbad


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11
11
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi

Ben Simon

Here is a detailed review of "Toadstool and the Dreamer, Chapter 3."
Overall Impression
This chapter captures a very specific, nostalgic, and gritty "boyhood" tone reminiscent of Stephen King’s The Body (or the film Stand By Me). You have successfully established a setting that feels oppressive and real—rural Southern Illinois in the 70s—and the dynamic between the two boys is fraught with the kind of realistic, mean-spirited bickering that happens between friends when they are scared, hot, and exhausted.
The chapter moves the plot forward well: they escape the immediate threat (the bullies), try to solve their problem (the phone), fail spectacularly (the sister and the lie), and end up back at square one. It is a solid structural arc.
Strengths
1. Sensory Details and Atmosphere
You do an excellent job making the heat feel like a third character—an antagonist in its own right. Phrases like "sweating fairly profusely... that gut of his looked like a glazed ham" and "the air behind it was more dead and more humid than it had been before" are visceral. The reader can practically feel the sticky, suffocating humidity. This explains the characters' irritability perfectly.
2. Character Voice
The narrator (The Dreamer/Neal) has a distinct voice. He is cynical, quick-witted, and a bit of a jerk, which feels authentic for a young boy in this era. His ability to lie on the spot ("Our car hit a tree") tells us a lot about his survival instincts compared to Toadstool, who is more passive.
3. The "Sam 'n Ella's" Scene
The humor here works well. The pun in the restaurant name adds local color, and the interaction with the sister ("Pill") is a highlight. It creates a perfect moment of frustration—every reader can relate to the helplessness of needing an adult but being blocked by a sibling who doesn't care. The tension of Sam returning while Neal is arguing with his sister was well-paced.
Areas for Improvement
1. The Digression on Slurs and "Gay Ray"
There is a significant section in the middle of the chapter (four long paragraphs) where the narrator breaks the flow of the story to explain the cultural context of homophobic slurs in the 1970s and tells the story of Gary Rafer and Macy Hammel.
* The Issue: While this adds period context, it completely kills the pacing. The boys are hot, tired, and walking to Guardian. Suddenly, the story stops for a history lesson and an anecdote about characters who are not in this scene.
* The Fix: I recommend cutting this section significantly or moving the anecdote about Gary/Macy to a different chapter where school life is the focus. The dialogue between Toadstool and Neal already shows the reader how they speak; you don't need to pause the story to tell the reader why they speak that way. Trust the reader to understand the era.
2. Repetitive Dialogue
The banter between the boys consists almost entirely of calling each other "gay," "fag," "retard," and commenting on Toadstool’s weight.
* The Issue: While this is historically accurate for 70s bullies/friends, it becomes repetitive to read. It creates a "numbing" effect where the insults lose their punch because they happen every other sentence.
* The Fix: Trim a few of the exchanges. Keep the most creative insults, but allow them to have a few moments of silence or genuine strategy talk. This will make the insults pop more when they do happen and make the characters slightly more sympathetic.
3. The Escape
When Sam returns to the restaurant, Neal bolts, but the text says, "paying no heed to whatever might become of Toadstool."
* The Issue: A moment later, Toadstool appears at the bridge. How did Toadstool get away? Did Sam just yell at him? Given that Toadstool is slow and Sam was angry, it feels like a missing beat.
* The Fix: A line of dialogue from Toadstool under the bridge explaining how he got out (e.g., "He just looked at me and told me to get the hell out") would close that loop. (You actually did include this briefly—"Sam just yelled at me to get out of his place"—but expanding on Toadstool's fear in that moment would add character depth).
Specific Line Notes
* "Sam 'n Ella's Restaurant": Great touch. This feels very real for a small town.
* "I started to pick up the fishing tackle...": The moment where Neal kicks the tackle box is a strong character beat. It shows his frustration and regret without him having to say "I was sad to leave my dead dad's stuff." It’s a good example of "show, don't tell."
* "Toadstool began to unbutton his flannel shirt...": This is a great visual that reinforces the heat and Toadstool's lack of social grace.
Final Thoughts
This is a gritty, realistic slice-of-life chapter. The protagonist is flawed and somewhat unlikable in his treatment of his friend, but that makes him feel real. If you trim the backstory exposition about the high school students and keep the focus on the immediate journey and the heat, the pacing will tighten up considerably.
Rating: 4 Stars (Great atmosphere and voice, slightly bogged down by exposition).

sindbad


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12
12
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Kathie Stehr

This is the second story I am doing a review and posting my observation and great experience I had while going through this story. Here is a detailed review of "Where do I Belong?"
Overall Impression
This is a poignant and emotionally charged story. You have taken a classic holiday trope—unpacking ornaments—and used it effectively as a vehicle to explore complex family dynamics, specifically the difficult relationship between a sensitive son and a "macho" father.
The story carries a heavy emotional weight. The tension in the room when the father enters is palpable; the reader feels Trevor walking on eggshells right alongside him. The transition from the fear of violence to a moment of shared connection is surprising and touching. It highlights the confusing duality of abusive or hard-edged parents—how they can be terrifying one moment and human the next.
Strengths
* The "Framing" Device: Starting with the fragile styrofoam ornament is excellent symbolism. It represents the fragility of memory and the fragility of Trevor’s relationship with his father ("it wouldn't take much to crush it").
* Descriptive Phrasing: You have some very strong, visceral descriptions.
* "Furnace belly" is a fantastic phrase. It conveys the heat, the anger, and the ulcer all in two words.
* "His Pop's face was beet red with sweat running from his hairline..." paints a very clear, intimidating picture.
* The Emotional Core: The internal monologue of Trevor wanting to be "normal" and just wanting his father to love him, rather than fear him, is heartbreaking and very relatable to the genre. The mention of retreating to the room to listen to Michael Jackson grounds this in a specific era and emotional reality.
Areas for Improvement & Suggestions
1. Point of View (POV) Consistency
This is the most critical technical fix for the story. The narrative shifts from Third Person (He/Trevor) to First Person (I/Me) midway through without a transition.
* Beginning: "He remembers making a few..." / "His Pop... exploded..." (Third Person).
* Middle: "Pop walked to the bar... then moved next to me." / "I swear I could smell..." (First Person).
* End: Back to Third Person ("Trevor could almost see...").
* Suggestion: Choose one perspective and stick to it. Given the intimacy of the memory, First Person ("I unpacked the ornaments...") might be more powerful. If you prefer Third Person, ensure you change all the "me" and "I" references to "him" and "Trevor."
2. Pacing of the Resolution
The ending is sweet, but the shift from the father being ready to physically abuse Trevor ("reached out to grab my arms") to laughing about being a duck happens very abruptly.
* Critique: The tension is built so high that the release feels a little too easy. A man in a "beet red" rage usually takes a moment to cool down.
* Suggestion: Add a beat or two of reaction before the father laughs. Show the confusion in his eyes. Show his grip loosening on Trevor's arm before the laugh erupts. Let the reader see the anger draining out of him.
3. Show, Don't Tell
* Example: "Trevor knew he shouldn't push him."
* Suggestion: You could show this through action instead. Trevor took a step back, his eyes fixed on the floor.
* Example: "His lyrics mimicked what I was feeling."
* Suggestion: Mention a specific song title or a specific lyric that resonates with Trevor. This adds sensory detail and nostalgia.
4. Grammar and Mechanics
* "It's just not natural" -> The earlier sentence "like a dog wagging it's tail" should be its (no apostrophe for possession).
* "You going beat the prissy out of me?" -> Needs a "to": "You going to beat..." or write it phonetically if you want it to sound colloquial ("You gonna beat...").
Final Thoughts
The memory of the "Duck" is a wonderful, unique way to resolve the conflict. It shows that even hard men have soft moments, and that Trevor found a way to disarm his father not with force, but with a shared happy memory. With a revision to fix the POV shifts, this will be a very polished and moving piece of flash fiction.
Great job capturing the bittersweet nature of holiday memories...sindbad


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13
13
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Kathie Stehr

Here is a detailed review of "A Celtic Festival and Blessings."
Overall Impression
This is a beautifully atmospheric piece that engages the senses right from the first sentence. You have created a warm, golden snapshot of a harvest festival (reminiscent of Lughnasadh or Lammas) that blends spiritual ritual with the earthy reality of human attraction.
The story reads like a vignette or a page from a diary, capturing a specific cultural moment. You successfully balance the "sacred" (prayers, bonfires, grain gods) with the "profane" (lust, physical attraction, the heat of the day). The narrative voice is distinct—young, hopeful, and focused on the future.
Strengths
* Sensory Imagery: This is the strongest aspect of the piece. You don’t just tell us it’s a festival; you let us smell the "fresh raked hay," feel the "stickiness of [the] dress," and hear the "background music of crickets." The tactile description of passing the bread to Richard ("My fingers feel his warm soft flesh") was particularly effective in conveying intimacy without needing dialogue.
* The Theme of Fertility: You did an excellent job weaving the concept of fertility on two levels: the agricultural (grain, harvest, pine cones) and the personal (marriage, children, "soft fertile nights"). The parallel between the earth yielding fruit and the narrator preparing for marriage creates a cohesive theme throughout the text.
* The Tension with Richard: The chemistry between the narrator and Richard is palpable. The contrast between the holy setting (reciting the Lord's Prayer) and the internal thoughts of lust creates a very human, relatable tension. It grounds the story and makes the narrator feel real rather than just an observer of rituals.
* The Ending: The final paragraph is lovely. The phrase "frosty nights when the sky is velvet" is poetic and paints a cozy, hopeful picture of the future.
Areas for Improvement and Suggestions
* Clarifying the Setting/Time Period: There is a slight mix of terminologies that makes the setting a little ambiguous.
* You mention "Older tribal Celtics" and "Gods/Goddesses," but also the "Lord's Prayer" and "hymns."
* Critique: If this is set in ancient times, the "Lord's Prayer" might feel anachronistic unless it is set specifically during the transition period of Celtic Christianity. If it is a modern Neo-Pagan festival, the phrasing works fine.
* Suggestion: A tiny bit of grounding context might help the reader understand exactly when and where we are.
* Narrative Voice/Phrasing: While the voice is generally strong, a few phrases felt a bit too clinical or modern for a "maiden" in a rural, historical setting.
* Example: "...reminds me of mating rituals."
* Critique: "Mating rituals" sounds scientific or anthropological. A young woman in love might think of it more as "courtship," "passion," or "nature’s way."
* Example: "The older tribal Celtics..."
* Critique: If she is part of the tribe, she would likely just call them "the elders" or "the wise ones" rather than naming her own demographic group.
* Show, Don't Tell: You have some great "showing" moments (the bread scene), but occasionally you slip into "telling."
* Example: "Lust is natural in the waning heat of August..."
* Suggestion: You had already shown us the lust perfectly through their eye contact and the touching of hands. You could cut the explanatory sentence to let the moment speak for itself.
* Flow/Structure: The piece jumps quickly between different aspects of the festival (The bonfire -> The dancing -> The prayer -> The pine cones -> The preserving). It reads a little like a list of events. To make it flow more like a story, you could anchor the reader more firmly in the present moment (sitting next to Richard) and have the other details (the bonfires, the preserving) appear as memories or thoughts she has while sitting there.
Final Thoughts
This is a charming, evocative piece of writing. It transports the reader to a specific place and time, filled with warmth and tradition. The way you captured the anticipation of a young woman on the brink of adulthood is tender and well-executed. With a few tweaks to the phrasing to make the "voice" sound less modern, this would be an even stronger piece of historical or folkloric fiction.
Keep writing! You have a gift for setting a mood..sindbad


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14
14
Review of Carry Me  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi
J. Thayne


Here is a detailed review of the first draft of "Carry Me." This review is as per your instruction.
Overall Impression
This is a compelling start to a drama/romance with strong sci-fi elements. You have done an excellent job establishing Elly’s internal voice; her trauma, cynicism, and vulnerability feel grounded and real. The story effectively utilizes the "hurt/comfort" and "forced proximity" tropes, which are staples of the genre.
The narrative flows well, and the mystery surrounding Gil pulls the reader in. However, because of the power dynamic between a triple-amputee and her mysterious benefactor, there are moments where the tone teeters between "romantic caretaker" and "psychological thriller." Balancing this dynamic is the key to making the romance feel earned rather than forced.
Below is a breakdown of strengths and areas for improvement.
Strengths
1. Elly’s Internal Monologue & Trauma Response
You have captured the psychology of a sudden amputee very well. The descriptions of her waking up in the hospital, the phantom sensations, the "black, malignant pinpoint" of dread, and the oscillation between numbness and rage are written with visceral clarity.
* Highlight: The scene at the airport with the little boy ("I was like G.I. Joe") was a standout moment. It showed Elly’s inherent kindness and resilience despite her situation, making her a very likable protagonist.
2. Descriptive Writing
Your setting descriptions are vivid without being purple. The description of the Colorado house—built into the cliff, the "bark-like shingle roof," and the layout—was immersive. It felt like a sanctuary, which effectively contrasts with the sterile hospital environment.
3. The Technical/Sci-Fi Hook
The reveal of the "dungeon" lab and the 3D printers was great. It shifted Gil from just a "rich eccentric" to a "passionate engineer." The description of the laser scanning process was detailed enough to feel tech-savvy but accessible enough for a general reader.
4. The "Carry Me" Motif
The title is woven well into the narrative. The physical act of Gil carrying Elly creates instant physical intimacy and dependency, which accelerates the emotional bonding. The closing line, "I'd rather be carried," is a strong thematic bookend to the chapter.
Areas for Improvement & Suggestions
1. The "Creepy" Factor vs. Romance
This is the biggest hurdle in the current draft. Gil’s behavior in Chapters 1-3 is objectively predatory. He refuses to give his name, forces a non-disclosure agreement, essentially kidnaps her from a hospital, takes her to a secluded location with no cell service/contact, and refuses to tell her she will be living with him until they arrive.
* The Issue: Elly is a trained soldier. While she is physically vulnerable, her mental surrender to this situation happens very fast. The transition from "You kidnapped me" to "Let's cuddle" happens over the course of about 24 hours.
* Suggestion: You don't need to change Gil’s actions (as they drive the plot), but you need to validate Elly’s fear more.
* Let her stay angry/suspicious for a few more days.
* Have Gil acknowledge how creepy he looks more explicitly.
* Currently, the "Stockholm Syndrome" vibe is strong. To fix this, give Elly a moment of agency where she decides to stay not because she has no choice, but because she sees the tech and makes a calculated decision, distinctly separate from her emotional connection to him.
2. Medical Realism
* Discharge Timeline: Elly is a triple amputee. In the real world, she would be in the hospital for weeks, followed by a rehab facility for months before being discharged to home care. Being discharged to a stranger’s car a week or two after the injury, with stitches still fresh and a catheter being removed just before leaving, stretches believability.
* Pain Management: In the later chapters, she drinks scotch and takes baths, but mentions very little physical pain. Amputation sites are incredibly painful, especially when jostled or subjected to hot water (which you touched on with the scanner, but less so with the bath).
* Suggestion: Perhaps mention that Gil has advanced pain blockers or that a bit more time has passed in the hospital (e.g., a month rather than two weeks).
3. Gil’s Motivation
Why Elly? Why did he choose her specifically?
* Critique: Right now, he seems like a lonely genius who wanted a doll to fix.
* Suggestion: You may be planning to reveal this later, but dropping a hint now would help. Did he read her file? Did he admire her specific unit? Giving him a professional reason for choosing her will help mitigate the "creepy" factor mentioned in point #1.
4. Dialogue and Pacing
* The Shift: Chapter 4 has a massive mood swing. Elly goes from a panic attack/depression to "Let's get drunk then you can cook me supper." It feels like a scene is missing in between—a bridge where they talk calmly before the banter returns.
* Phrasing: There is a line in Chapter 3: "My rescuer cum abductor..." While grammatically correct (Latin 'cum' meaning 'with/also'), in modern internet vernacular (especially in an 18+ rated story), this phrasing can be distracting/unintentionally funny. Consider changing to "My rescuer-turned-abductor."
Specific Line Notes (Proofreading)
* Chapter 1: "As my vision clears, so to does the world..." -> should be too.
* Chapter 1: "One of my feet start to itch..." -> should be starts.
* Chapter 1: "It's black length swaying..." -> should be Its (no apostrophe for possession).
* Chapter 2: "You're the only person I've been willing to share this with." -> This is a heavy line for a stranger. It emphasizes his loneliness but highlights the need for backstory on why he is so isolated.
Verdict
You have a very strong foundation here. The emotional beats of Elly losing her limbs and finding hope are powerful. If you can smooth out the transition from "fear/anger" to "trust/romance" and perhaps extend the timeline slightly to make the relationship development feel more organic, this will be a gripping read.
Keep going! The chemistry between the two characters is palpable, and the tech angle gives it a unique freshness...sindbad.


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15
15
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
lucifer very very very 1st

💎 This is my detailed Review of: your game, your worth.
This poem, "your game, your worth," is a concise and intense exercise in philosophical repetition, utilizing the structure of the game "Truth or Dare" to explore concepts of value, authenticity, and courage.
Overall Impression-

The poem is a striking example of philosophical writing that relies heavily on short, aphoristic lines and rhythmic repetition to create a meditative, almost chant-like effect. It successfully establishes a core theme: that one's "game" (the challenges one accepts, the life one lives) is directly equated to one's "worth," and both are inextricably linked to the pursuit of "truth" and the act of "dare." The lack of capitalization and the author's note about using "middle ages words" contributes to a distinct, almost archaic and ritualistic voice.
Strengths and Analysis
* Philosophical Theme (Worth and Game): The central assertion, "your game is your worth," is established immediately and repeated for emphasis. By equating the game of "Truth or Dare" with a fundamental personal value (worth, gem), the poem suggests that living authentically and facing challenges is the highest form of virtue. The "gem" metaphor successfully elevates the concept beyond mere play.
* Rhythm and Repetition: The poem's power lies in its stark, unrelenting rhythm. The repetition of key words—truth, dare, game, worth, tale, mountain—builds a sense of urgency and inevitability. The structure is almost like a series of logical syllogisms or proofs:
* If A=B, and B=C, then A=C.
* Example: "a gem of a dare is a gem of a truth," leading to "your game is your worth of a gem."
* Sectional Development: The three stanzas successfully develop the initial concept through three different metaphors:
* Stanza 1 (Worth/Gem): Focuses on value and internal reward.
* Stanza 2 (Tale): Focuses on expression, narration, and legacy—the outward sharing of truth. The lines "dare to tell the truth" and "dare to tell a tale" are powerful commands for personal courage.
* Stanza 3 (Mountain): Focuses on scale, immensity, and challenge. Truth is not a small thing; it is a "mountain of truth," requiring immense effort ("dare to tell a mountain") to confront or traverse.
* Unique Voice: The deliberate choice to omit capitalization and the use of the occasional "middle ages" word (like worth and the formality of the structure itself) create a unique, singular voice that is instantly recognizable and consistent with the author's note.
Suggestions for Improvement
* Clarity and Word Choice: While the philosophical repetition is a strength, some lines become so repetitive or abstract that they risk losing clear meaning or impact.
* For example, "mountain is mountain of truth" feels less profound than other lines in the stanza. The author could consider replacing one of the repeating elements with a different, related word to deepen the nuance without sacrificing the rhythm (e.g., using "peak" or "summit").
* Integration of Archaic Language: The author's note mentions using "middle ages words" like gracious or extravaganza, yet these specific words (or others with similar feel) do not appear in the current poem. To fully realize the intended voice, the poet should attempt to integrate one or two more clearly period-specific words that fit the meter (like verily, perchance, esteem, honour) into the existing structure. This would strengthen the claimed "philosophical writing" style.
* Punctuation as Emphasis: Given the avoidance of capitalization, the strategic use of punctuation (like a dash, colon, or period) could add subtle pauses or shifts in emphasis, guiding the reader's breath and interpretation without breaking the stripped-down aesthetic.
Conclusion
"your game, your worth" is a highly disciplined and thought-provoking poem. It succeeds in its goal of equating personal value with the courage required to pursue truth and accept life's challenges. It's a testament to how rhythm and repetition, when used thematically, can generate a powerful sense of philosophical depth and resonance...sindbad


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16
16
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Hrafnar Árgeir


I have done review of your work and did find a creative spark and specially the Spanish post. I am in process to give my observation and insight to this great piece of story. 🐻 My Story Fragment Review: Jacob {Arrival at the Zoo} is as follows-

This fragment, "Jacob {Arrival at the Zoo}," offers a raw, chaotic, and emotionally intense look at the traumatic arrival of a boy named Jacob, misclassified as a "Marsupial," into a zoo enclosure. The writing is highly focused on Jacob's dissociative state and the theme of rejection.
Key Strengths and Observations-
* Emotional Intensity and Trauma: The story effectively plunges the reader into Jacob's traumatized, dissociative state. His "mental jailbreak" and ability to be "comfortably numb" or "phasing off to a pocket outside of time" are powerful images that convey the depth of his coping mechanism against the "hostile, panic-driven, and cruel pack of social animals."
* Sensory Details and Atmosphere: The descriptions create a grim, tangible atmosphere: the "nerve-cringing moan of the hinges," the "dim ankle height orange led-lit concrete halls," the zoo reeking of "sleep," and the gut-wrenching stench of the transport van. The environment is immediately established as cold, crude, and deeply unsettling.
* Character Nicknaming: Jacob's habit of nicknaming people to make them "less frightening" ("Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb," "Muscle-Head") is a brilliant detail. It reveals a specific, relatable coping mechanism—a child's attempt to exert control and minimize fear by stripping the adults of their real identity.
* Symbolism of the Bear Pajama: The filthy bear pajama is the central symbol. It represents Jacob's self-imposed armor, his "safe place," and his desire to hide from human cruelty. The moment he realizes the bear suit no longer fits ("it just didn't fit him anymore"), and his feet appear "oafish," signifies his involuntary aging and the necessary end of that particular coping stage. Time is a "ravenous unescapable poltergeist."
* The Character of Obi: Obi, the proud Nigerian janitor, provides the only clear contrast to the hostility and indifference of the other adults. He is immediately established as a figure of potential solace and genuine recognition, seeing Jacob not as an animal but as a traumatized "child" and giving him the meaningful name translation ("God's Heart").
* The Climax of Grief: The fragment ends with the shockingly abrupt announcement from Yolanda about the mother's death ("Hi! Jake, umm, your Mother's dead. Ok? Em, O.D I suppose."). This is a brutal, cold moment that encapsulates the entire narrative's theme of adult failure and rejection.
Areas for Improvement and Development
* Clarity of Prose and Sentence Structure: The writing style is highly subjective, which works for conveying Jacob's internal state, but it sometimes results in dense, rambling, or grammatically awkward sentences that obscure meaning. For example:
* Phrases like "Jacob began to doubt, was it a door really or another enclosure shielded from the world just as some animals enjoy the perks safe in a pen?" could be clearer.
* The description of the mother's phone call is fractured: "Mother's long distance phone call and pipe burnt fingertips; she promised but, never came back as herself."
* Recommendation: Focusing on stronger verbs and simplifying compound sentences would enhance the impact without sacrificing the emotional depth.
* Overuse of Exclamations and Hyperbole: The use of phrases like "full blown trance like state," "angriest, eyeballs rolled to the back of his skull, convulsing kind," and "chaotic thrashing of keys" can lean toward telling the reader the intensity rather than letting the scene and action carry the weight.
* Showing vs. Telling the Abuse: The flashback trigger is described as "The unpredictable hurt, from a stepfather's leather belt. Shouting so much yelling. Mom becoming cold distant." This is powerful information, but it is delivered as a summary rather than woven into a brief, triggered sensory moment. A little less summary of the trauma and more immediate, sensory flashes of it would be more impactful.
Overall Impression-

This is an emotionally charged and thematically rich fragment that sets up a fascinating, dark, and potentially magical realist narrative. The concept of a traumatized boy hiding in a bear suit and being mistaken for a marsupial at a zoo is highly original and compelling. The character of Jacob, navigating his trauma by dissociating and weaponizing names, is immediately sympathetic. The ending, confirming the mother's death, provides a dark climax that sets the stage for Jacob's inevitable emergence from his "armor" and the development of his relationship with Obi.
The primary suggestion for improvement is to refine the prose for greater clarity and polish. These observations are my private and personal observations so any error here please do overlook, and be rest assured this is a great and balanced work..sindbad


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17
17
Review of The Snake  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi
Tim Chiu

I have reviewed all your poetry, and each one a masterpiece in its domain. Here as well I am reviewing a masterpiece snake with lines like The vile and lengthy marauder feasts
On soon-to-be deceased wildlife and humans,
And possesses a gamely stature
As well as some noted popularity.
They are creative and so well expressed the inner feelings. Great job indeed..sindbad



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18
18
Review of Love Lost  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Lonewolf

This is a nice and unique take on love lost. Though I don't agree on most of your points but as a reader I felt the practical implications and missing void here. As a cancerian I can understand and feel the sensitivity and it's romantic versus boredom tilt or debate happening all the time. Overall I could feel the loss and the great amount of effort you have used to creatively express the same. Great job indeed...sindbad


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19
19
Review of Lie  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Samm

WOW this is nice and short writup. This did leave a fresh unique and rather practical solution expressed in so few a word. The word play about fall, tears and lie and their unique relation in practical world is so very certain and we all fail to see. You did use so few a word to express the obvious and creative. Great job indeed..sindbad



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20
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Review of Resurrection '04  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi
Kåre เลียม Enga

This poem offers a bold, cheeky, and ultimately fond tribute to the University of Kansas Campanile giving full justice to the title.
I find it a clever piece of regional poetry that succeeds in being both a loving description and a witty, adults-only commemoration of an enduring landmark so very difficult to portray in so few a word. It certainly deserves its title as not being brochure-worthy! Great job indeed..sindbad

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21
21
Review of The Beast In Me  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Cappy

This is a wonderful, personal sharing of a recent entertainment experience that succeeds in its conversational purpose. Though I did have some reservations, however in so few a words you did convey genuine excitement and sorry to say its an excellent opening line for a discussion thread that can have positive taste for the first time reader. To transform it into a truly powerful recommendation, you can experiment further by adding a line or two about why the show was so addictive. An encouraging stuff indeed..sindbad

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Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi
Timekeeper Red Alert

This biographical entry provides a rich and complex backstory for the character Tara Friedmann, clearly intended for a fan-fiction or role-playing context within the Harry Potter universe (Auror, European Ministry, Hogwarts, Durmstrang, etc.). As a die hard fan with fetish for such story, I loved warrior,healer and victim balance so very challenging to bring some semblance of interest, you have done a great job here...sindbad

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23
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Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Ironworker

🚂 Detailed Review: The Endless Train Ride
Overall Impression
"The Endless Train Ride" is a tender and nostalgic piece that beautifully captures the magic of childhood routine and the sharp pain of unexpected change. The narrative succeeds in establishing a deep emotional connection between the protagonist, Deja, and the train, the "Silver Flyer." The story is evocative and effectively builds a world around a specific, cherished summer ritual, leading to a poignant moment of loss.
Highlights and Strengths
* Evocative Nostalgia: The strength of this piece lies in its vivid description of Deja's passion for the trains. The details—watching the "sky on the move," spying "cows, and combines," the ritual of dressing in a "Sunday dress," and the comforting, "endless rhythmic sound of the wheels"—create a rich sense of a bygone era and a deeply personal tradition. The train isn't just transportation; it's a symbol of summer, wonder, and constancy for her.
* Sensory Detail: The author engages the senses effectively. We hear the "rhythmic sound of the wheels," the "occasional bells," and feel the "rush of air cool or warm" between the cars. These details make the experience feel immediate and intimate.
* Character Development: Deja is convincingly portrayed as a keen, observant, and dedicated child/teenager. Her depth of knowledge about the trains ("She knew most everything") and her routine of taking notes underscore how meaningful this activity is, making the final revelation all the more devastating.
* Pacing and Emotional Impact: The build-up is gentle, establishing the beloved routine before the sharp climax. The conductor’s revelation—"This is the last run of the Flyer."—acts as a perfect emotional strike. The line, "The words, like falling stones knocked the smile from her face," is a powerful metaphor for the shock. The final image of her tears obscuring the window, meaning she can no longer "see out," is a beautiful and heartbreaking visual metaphor for her world being blurred by grief.
Opportunities for Improvement
* Dialogue Clarity: The conductor’s response to Deja’s question is slightly clunky: "Why, little lady, Now, I thought you knew everything." The addition of "Now" could be confusing or feel overly mannered. A simpler construction might flow better: "Why, little lady, I thought you knew everything."
* The Transition of Time: While the story mentions her aging from a child to sixteen, the narrative voice remains largely focused on her childhood routine. The passage about her growing older ("Sixteen now, she had been a faithful summer passenger for at least the last twelve years") could be strengthened with a more explicit reflection of her changing perspective as a teenager, even if her core love for the train remains. This would deepen the sense of loss—it's not just a childhood tradition ending, but a part of her entry into adulthood being severed.
* Minor Word Choice: The description of the train route ("broad endless countrysides, and quaint tight passageways where trains passed each other, brushed the trees or squeezed by carved out rock") uses several slightly vague phrases. For example, "quaint tight passageways" could be replaced with a stronger, more specific image, perhaps one involving tunnels or cuttings.
Final Recommendation
This is a highly successful short piece that perfectly captures a small, yet profound, emotional moment. It is tenderly written, rich in sensory detail, and ends on a genuinely moving note. The author's control over atmosphere and pacing is commendable. It is a lovely tribute to the joy of tradition and the sorrow of finality...sindbad


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24
Review of The True King  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi
Starmic Suebear

👑 Detailed Review of "The True King"
"The True King" is a narrative fantasy poem that chronicles the perilous journey and escape of a prince—the "True King"—who is fleeing a political or military enemy known as the "Stut." The poem has the feel of an epic ballad condensed into a series of action-packed, mythic vignettes.
📝 Structure and Form
The poem uses a four-line stanza (quatrain) structure with a variety of rhyming schemes, which, along with the varying line lengths, contributes to the feeling of a fast-paced chronicle.
* Rhyme: The rhyming is generally consistent, using AABA, ABCC, or ABCB patterns across the stanzas, often employing slant rhymes (like ship/trip/slip). The final lines of the first two stanzas (lines 4 and 8) provide the most punchy rhymes.
* Pacing and Meter: The poem's chief structural characteristic is its speed. It jumps quickly between dramatic events (fleeing Goldbridge, meeting the elf, meeting Vebaz, fighting the moad). However, like the previous work, the meter is very uneven, which can interrupt the flow of the narrative. For example, the short, clipped lines ("And Dae the lady elf did see") suddenly follow longer lines, creating an abrupt rhythm.
🗺️ Narrative and World-Building
The poem's narrative drive is strong, focusing entirely on the protagonist's flight and survival. The world it implies is rich with classic fantasy elements:
* The Protagonist: The prince is established as both a "Worthy Prince" and one with "clever fear." He is a strategic survivor, preserved by his General while knights died as a diversion.
* The Enemies: The "Stut" are presented as numerous and "very cunning," successfully pursuing the prince and forcing his continuous movement.
* Fantasy Elements: The journey is littered with exciting, imaginative details:
* Escorts of mermen.
* Transportation on a great lizard.
* A battle against the giant moad.
* The presence of a cardinal's castle and the Trade City hints at a complex political and economic landscape.
* Key Encounters: The poem introduces two important supporting characters:
* Dae the lady elf: She is beautiful ("Prettier than anything sung") and "so old and yet so young." The prince's decision to ride away quickly "For love of kind Dae" suggests a conflict between his duty/survival and the distraction of love, implying self-discipline or a necessary sacrifice.
* Vebaz: This character appears as a critical ally who helps save the prince from the giant moad, marking a shift from lonely flight to having companionship.
💖 Thematic Focus
The core theme is the Burden of Royalty and the Cost of Survival.
The prince is a "True King," suggesting legitimacy, but his story is not one of battle and triumph, but of desperate flight and evasion. He must shed his wealth (being "too poor to be" in the Trade City) and even a potential love (fleeing Dae) to fulfill his destiny. The final couplet confirms his ultimate survival and inherent strength, assuring the reader that despite the overwhelming odds ("the Stut are many"), the protagonist remains a force for hope.
✅ Suggestions for Improvement
* Consistent Flow: To fully capture the feeling of an epic chase, strive for a more consistent meter. Even a simple rhythm would make the narrative flow better and lend more weight to the fantastical images. The narrative leaps are exciting, but a stronger rhythm would tie them together more smoothly.
* Clarify Motivation: The line "For love of kind Dae / The prince quickly rode away" is highly intriguing. While it's implied that he leaves her for her safety or his duty, a slightly more explicit phrase could deepen this emotional moment without sacrificing brevity. (e.g., "His cause was too dear," or "He could not risk sweet Dae").
* Strengthen Imagery: While the creatures (mermen, lizard, moad) are fun, a brief descriptive word could make them more vivid. For example, "And rode a scaly, great lizard" or "They saved him from the giant, sluggish moad."
The poem is a great foundation for a fantasy story, successfully capturing the essence of a hero's epic journey in miniature...sindbad


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25
25
Review of Brad's Fort  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi

Starmic Suebear

🏰 Detailed Review of "Brad's Fort"
"Brad's Fort" is a short, narrative poem that utilizes dark, evocative imagery to present a fantasy castle besieged by supernatural decay and inhabited by strange, menacing figures. It reads like a sequence of unsettling scenes or dark prophecies, establishing a distinct and eerie atmosphere.
📝 Structure and Form
The poem consists of six rhyming couplets (AABB CCDD EEFF), giving it a simple, driving rhythm.
* Rhyme and Meter: The couplets maintain a consistent rhyme scheme, such as full/tear and alive/thrive. However, the meter (rhythm) is inconsistent, which often makes the lines feel halting or uneven. For example:
* "Brad’s Fort is a big castle" (Four stresses)
* "Once with knights and soldiers full" (Three stresses)
* The use of common words like "full" and "tear" as rhymes for the opening couplet is a bit weak.
* Length: The extreme brevity limits the development of any single idea or image, making the poem feel more like a list of fragmented concepts than a cohesive narrative.
🖼️ Imagery and Atmosphere
The poem's greatest strength is its dense, unsettling imagery that quickly paints a picture of a fallen, haunted stronghold.
* The Fall of Brad's Fort: The opening couplet establishes the melancholy fate of the castle, which was "conquered... one year" by Damya and is now "like a tear." This sets a tone of sadness and loss before the horror begins.
* Horror Elements: The subsequent lines introduce classic dark fantasy and horror tropes:
* Gargoyles that are "all alive" and powerful.
* A lovely duchess who is a vampire ("Who’ll drink one’s blood neat").
* A shocking scene of dark humor or brutality: "A game of basketball with someone’s head."
* The religious authority is gone: "The priests are all found dead."
* Mystery Inhabitants: The fort is occupied by unique, mysterious characters—a singing woman, a man who "catalogues wrongs," and an unbeatable wrestler guarding the treasure room—suggesting a strange, new hierarchy has taken over following the Damyan conquest.
💡 Thematic Focus
The central theme appears to be Post-Conquest Despair and Supernatural Resistance.
The Fort has fallen to the Damya forces, but the spirit of the place—or perhaps a curse—remains, manifesting as powerful, unsettling residents who are anti-Damyan ("No Damyan can beat," "Against a thousand men they thrive"). The final couplet, with "Winter comes to Brad’s Fort / With not a Damyan in court," suggests that while Damya initially conquered it, the new, sinister inhabitants have effectively driven them out or consumed them, leaving the castle as a monument to its own defeat and subsequent, darker redemption.
✅ Suggestions for Improvement
* Develop Cohesion: The poem reads like a draft list of ideas for a larger story. To improve it as a standalone piece, select one or two core images (e.g., the wrestler and the duchess) and give them more detailed sensory description, rather than listing six separate concepts.
* Refine Meter and Rhyme: Work on achieving a more consistent metrical rhythm to give the poem a stronger flow and impact. Additionally, seek out less common or more descriptive rhyme pairs to elevate the language beyond simple word associations.
* Introduce an Anchor: Consider adding a single, defined viewpoint (perhaps a spy, a lost traveler, or the last remaining knight) to experience one of these strange events. This would anchor the powerful imagery in an emotional context and make the events feel less abstract.
The poem successfully creates a dark and imaginative setting. With some refinement of the form, the compelling atmosphere can be amplified into a truly memorable short work...sindbad


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