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Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Tim Chiu

This poem, "Confidence & Futility: A Lethal Strategy," presents a stark and critical view of nationalistic and imperialistic ambitions, highlighting their destructive consequences. Let's break down its pros and cons, both as a piece of literature and in the ideas it conveys.
Pros of the Poem
* Powerful Imagery and Language: The poem uses strong, evocative language like "usurping environmental goal," "territorial imperialism," "megalithic proportions," and "heretical hegemony." These phrases paint a vivid picture of the scale and nature of the issues being described.
* Clear Thematic Focus: The central theme of the dangers of unchecked national power and the resulting global conflict is consistently and forcefully presented. The poem doesn't shy away from its message.
* Critique of Ideologies: It directly confronts various political and economic ideologies ("communist, socialist, and capitalist parameters," "Marxist and freedom and religious morals"), suggesting that all can be co-opted for destructive ends.
* Emphasis on Human Cost: The lines about "blistering innocent citizens and peace-seeking humans" effectively convey the tragic human toll of these conflicts, contrasting with the grand, abstract ambitions of nations.
* Timely and Relevant: The themes of territorial disputes, historical memory, and the threat of catastrophic conflict (including nuclear means) remain highly relevant in today's global landscape.
Cons of the Poem
* Dense and Abstract: The language, while powerful, can also be quite dense and abstract, making it challenging to fully grasp the nuances of every phrase on a first read. The long, sprawling sentences contribute to this.
* Lack of Specificity: While the broad strokes are clear, the poem doesn't offer specific examples or scenarios, which might make the critique feel less grounded or relatable for some readers. It describes a general state rather than a particular event.
* Slightly Repetitive in Message: The core message of destructive national ambition is reiterated throughout, which, while emphasizing the point, might feel a bit redundant in some sections.
* Pessimistic Tone: The poem maintains an unrelentingly pessimistic tone. While this is likely intentional to underscore the severity of the issues, it offers little in the way of hope or potential solutions, which might leave the reader feeling overwhelmed.
* Ambiguous "Storybook Ethic": The initial phrase "A storybook ethic" is a bit vague. It's unclear if this refers to an idealized, naive view of international relations or a narrative used to justify expansionism. More clarity here could strengthen the opening.
Analysis of the "Lethal Strategy"
The poem effectively articulates a "lethal strategy" born from a mix of confidence (in one's own nation's destiny and right to dominate) and ultimately futility (as this ambition leads to mutual destruction).
It dissects this strategy by highlighting:
* Usurpation of Land: The "settle indigenous people’s lands" points to historical and ongoing colonial practices.
* Forced Recall of History: The "knowing concentration of inhabitants / Who must recall their history" suggests a manipulation or reinterpretation of history to serve current territorial aims.
* Societal Tendencies to Erupt: The idea that societies inherently tend towards international conflict and a desire to be "the leader of the planet" paints a bleak picture of human nature and political systems.
* Military and Economic Dominance: The push for "military and economic engineering and pioneering / Of a regional and global, / Heretical hegemony" clearly outlines the means by which this dominance is sought.
* Exclusion of Charitable Outlook: The poem critiques the way this drive for power overrides any sense of international cooperation or charity, favoring "one type of nation over another."
* Parallel to Ideologies: By running "parallel to Marxist / And freedom and religious morals," the poem implies that even seemingly disparate ideologies can be twisted to justify violent ends.
* The Ultimate Consequence: The most chilling aspect is the reliance on "abominable, deathly agents / Who utilize suicide and nuclear means," leading to the destruction of "innocent citizens and peace-seeking humans." This underscores the ultimate futility of such a strategy, as it consumes even those it claims to protect.
In conclusion, "Confidence & Futility: A Lethal Strategy" is a powerful and unsettling commentary on the darker side of national ambition and ideological conflict. While its density might require careful reading, its impactful language and relevant themes make it a significant piece that forces reflection on the destructive paths humanity often treads...sindbad


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2
2
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi

Tim Chiu

This poem, "Fated Space: Hearts A-Glow In Perpetuity," explores themes of change, particularly within the professional sphere, and the enduring nature of human connection amidst that change.
Detailed Review
The poem opens with a contemplation of sentient purposes being "amorphous," suggesting a fluidity or lack of clear definition in human motivations and existence. This abstract idea quickly connects to a "scarcity based on a movement so monstrous," which could allude to the relentless, often disruptive, forces of societal or economic change. The speaker posits that true science and ethics offer a stable, "forever in verity" measure against this amorphousness and scarcity. This sets up a dichotomy between the chaotic, undefined aspects of life and the grounded principles of truth and morality.
The second stanza introduces the idea of planning as a counterpoint to the "monstrous" movement. "Apropos scarcity - a knowing, clean start" suggests that acknowledging limitations or changes (scarcity) can lead to deliberate, positive beginnings. The focus shifts to "focused decisions toward premised identities," implying that individuals or organizations can consciously shape their future despite external pressures. The line "Cognizant that these kind pools have no rarities" is a bit ambiguous; it might suggest that within supportive, collaborative environments ("kind pools"), true value and talent are not scarce, or that shared human experiences and qualities are universally present.
The third stanza brings the focus to the workplace and professional relationships. "Colleagues engaged in defined rationales" and "Hardworking folks earning checks, guys and gals!" paint a picture of dedicated individuals within structured environments. The phrase "Seeing one’s friends in these cool, joint alliances" emphasizes the positive social aspect of work, portraying workplaces as places of camaraderie and shared purpose. This stanza highlights the personal connections forged through "Endeavors of industry employing those sciences."
The fourth stanza introduces a sense of loss and transition. While celebrating "The greatest coworkers - superior traces," there's a regret that "the business world loses its stasis." This clearly points to the instability and constant change inherent in modern employment, with "layoffs, new places" being direct consequences. Despite these upheavals, the comforting refrain "Same old, fine people - continuing aces" asserts the resilience and enduring quality of human character and relationships, suggesting that even when circumstances change, the essence of good people remains.
The final stanza reflects on the aftermath of change and the enduring legacy of professionals. "The newness is awkward, an empty remembrance" poignantly captures the unsettling feeling of starting over or experiencing the void left by past structures. An "able, new company is now just a semblance" implies that new ventures, while perhaps functional, may lack the soul or established identity of what was lost. The poem concludes with a powerful "toast to those dedicated pros for eternity - Considered to be from the greatest modernity," celebrating the unwavering dedication and quality of individuals who navigate these turbulent times. It acknowledges their contribution not just to their immediate work but as a testament to the best of contemporary human endeavor.
Overall, "Fated Space: Hearts A-Glow In Perpetuity" is a thoughtful exploration of change, particularly in the context of work and career. It beautifully balances the often-disruptive nature of progress and economic shifts with the enduring value of human connection, integrity, and dedication. The poem's strength lies in its ability to evoke both a sense of melancholy for what is lost and an appreciation for the steadfast spirit of individuals who continue to shine ("Hearts A-Glow In Perpetuity") despite external circumstances.

sindbad


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3
3
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi

Tim Chiu

This poem, "A Beautiful Lighting - Rarest of Truths," is a devotional piece that expresses profound faith and gratitude towards a divine figure, clearly identified with Christian theology. Let's break down its key elements:
Themes and Imagery
The central theme is the transformative power of divine intervention and faith, particularly in overcoming adversity and sin. The poem uses several strong images to convey this:
* "The Glowing Lord’s majesty excels / In the darkest of moments": This establishes the Lord as a source of light and hope, especially when things are bleak.
* "His hammer is transformative, / Pinning the nail to the wood / With repeated whacks / Of the hardened tool’s sapient eyes": This is a powerful and somewhat unusual metaphor. The "hammer" suggests strength and decisive action, while the "sapient eyes" imbue the tool with wisdom or divine purpose. The act of "pinning the nail to the wood" could allude to the crucifixion or simply the act of firmly establishing something, perhaps faith or righteousness.
* "The premium claw inserted upon the surface / Lifts the metal object away / From the Devil’s calling": This imagery of a claw lifting something away from evil is a striking representation of salvation and deliverance.
* "The House of Jesus built / Upon the lenient and timeless forms / Of the Earth’s awesome gravity": This suggests a foundation of faith that is as fundamental and pervasive as gravity, yet also "lenient" or merciful.
* "The Tender Son and Lamb / Of exceptional heredity, quality, / And exquisite unity with / The Awesome Spirit’s Grace and Mercy": This clearly refers to Jesus Christ, emphasizing his divine nature, purity, and connection to the Holy Spirit.
* "His magical and magnificent invitation / To The Heavenly and Mighty Saint’s / Cherished abode…": This speaks to the promise of salvation and eternal life in heaven.
Language and Style
The language is elevated and reverential, fitting the spiritual subject matter. You use a good deal of personification ("sapient eyes" of the tool) and metaphor. The poem employs a somewhat formal and archaic tone at times, particularly with words like "sapient," "penitent," and "enjambed."
The use of enjambment (lines running into the next without punctuation, like "The Lord’s enjambed and acclaimed, / Jubilant authority…") creates a flowing rhythm and emphasizes the continuous nature of the divine.
Religious Context
The poem is deeply rooted in Christian theology. Key concepts include:
* The Lord's majesty and transformative power.
* The importance of prayer and penitence.
* The Bible as a source of truth and guidance.
* The Supreme Being/Almighty One and His incalculable forgiveness.
* The Cross and Jesus Christ (the "Tender Son and Lamb") as central to salvation.
* The Holy Spirit's Grace and Mercy.
* The promise of heaven.
Overall Impression
"A Beautiful Lighting - Rarest of Truths" is a heartfelt expression of faith and devotion. It effectively conveys a sense of awe and gratitude towards the divine, emphasizing themes of salvation, redemption, and the enduring power of God's love. The imagery is often vivid and thought-provoking, contributing to the poem's overall impact.
The consistent tone and thematic focus make it a cohesive and meaningful piece for those who share similar spiritual beliefs..sindbad


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4
Review of Precious  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Just Jae

Here's a review of your story snippet, focusing on various aspects:
Overall Impression
This is an engaging start to what feels like a classic fantasy adventure. The characters are quickly established, the mystery is intriguing, and the stakes feel immediate for the protagonists. The dialogue is generally sharp, and the pacing keeps the reader curious.
Strengths
* Intriguing Mystery: The "Precious" reveal, shifting from an object to a person (Aquila) and then back to an object (the ring), is well-handled. It keeps the reader guessing and adds layers to Geordo's character.
* Character Dynamics: Skrie and Malusk have a clear and appealing dynamic. Skrie is pragmatic, observant, and takes the lead in questioning, while Malusk is more reserved but supportive. Their "odd duo" description is effective.
* Pacing: The scene moves at a good clip. The initial exchange in the common room, the walk to the wagon, and the gradual revelations from Geordo are all well-timed.
* Show, Don't Tell (Mostly): You effectively show Geordo's distress and evasiveness through his actions (darting eyes, chewing nails, pacing, mumbling). Skrie's impatience (bouncing leg) is also a nice touch.
* Clear Goal: By the end, the objective is clear: find Aquila and the ring, and get paid.
* Hook: The mysterious vials add a nice touch of magic/intrigue and promise future complications.
Areas for Refinement
* Geordo's Consistency:
* "Precious" Confusion: While the reveal that "Precious" is Aquila and a ring is good, Geordo initially implies "Precious" is solely the item the bandits took. He says, "Those bandits took my Precious," and later "My Precious was gone!" referring to Aquila. This works, but then he immediately shifts back to just the "Precious" being gone without explicitly stating Aquila is also gone until Skrie prompts him. It could be made slightly clearer that both went missing concurrently.
* "We" Explanation: Geordo faltering at "We, who?" feels a bit forced. If Aquila is his niece and they're traveling together, it seems odd for him to act like mentioning her is a slip-up, unless there's a deeper secret about her presence. If he's trying to hide her, the previous "My Precious was gone!" referring to her makes less sense. Consider making his reluctance to mention Aquila more about her specific role or the circumstances of her disappearance, rather than just her existence.
* Minor Dialogue Quibbles:
* Malusk's "I had reached the limit of his ability to help the bloke" is a bit clunky. It could be rephrased for better flow, perhaps something like, "Malusk looked over at Skrie; he'd done all he could to calm the man."
* "I find er, old items at, er, beggar's stalls," Geordo's double "er" here feels slightly overdone. One would probably suffice to show his hesitation.
* Sensory Details: While the scene is functional, adding a few more sensory details could enrich it. What does the common room smell like? What does Geordo's wagon look like beyond just being a wagon? What's the weather like?
* "Tiny" Reference: Skrie's internal thought about Malusk being "almost as big as her friend, Tiny" is a fun detail, but it comes out of nowhere and isn't followed up on. If Tiny isn't going to be relevant, it might be a distraction. If they are, it's a good seed, but it feels a little out of place in Geordo's revelation.
* The Vials: The vials are a great plot device, but Geordo's line "I don't know what they do, but they might be helpful" feels a little too convenient and vague. If he's a "traveling merchant" who deals in "old items," it's slightly odd he wouldn't have some idea, even a guess, about what he's handing over. Perhaps he knows one thing about them, or just that they're magical, but not their specific effect. This could also be a subtle hint that Geordo isn't entirely truthful or is more desperate than he lets on.
Specific Line Edits/Suggestions (Optional)
* Original: "Breathe." Malusk looked over at Skrie; he had reached the limit of his ability to help the bloke.
* Suggestion: "Breathe," Malusk instructed, then looked helplessly at Skrie. He'd done all he could.
* Original: "I find er, old items at, er, beggar's stalls," he said, "Look, Illeyrl was fine when I first hired him and Grubak."
* Suggestion: "I find, er, old items at beggar's stalls," he said, rushing on. "Look, Illeyrl was fine when I first hired him and Grubak."
Conclusion
This is a very promising start. You've set up a clear conflict, introduced engaging characters, and created enough mystery to compel the reader forward. Addressing the minor inconsistencies in Geordo's character and perhaps adding a touch more sensory detail would elevate it further. Keep up the good work!

sindbad


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5
5
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
flyfishercacher

This excerpt, "Allerford Awakens," introduces a compelling narrative about a struggling industrial town and the glimmer of hope offered by a new revitalization project. Here's a detailed review:
Strengths of the Excerpt
* Clear Premise and Setting: The excerpt quickly establishes the core problem: Allerford is a "dying rust belt city" with its industries, like Flywheel Machining, in decline. The setting of a luncheon at the "Allerford Grand Hotel, the only hotel remaining in town, and not so grand anymore," immediately paints a picture of economic hardship.
* Relatable Protagonist: Lars Claussen is a sympathetic character. His internal conflict about selling his company, his concern for his employees, and his desperate search for a solution make him a grounded and relatable figure. His initial skepticism and eventual "I'm in" commitment feel earned.
* Introduction of Key Players: The excerpt effectively introduces several important characters with distinct roles:
* Conley Timmons (Mayor): The political leader spearheading the initiative.
* Dr. Griggs Pierson (Dean, Eastwood Institute): The academic lead, providing intellectual weight.
* Dr. Kumi Okoro (Professor, Eastwood Institute): The "imagination and energy" behind the proposal, and a highly impressive figure whose background and demeanor are well-described.
* Well-Paced Information Delivery: The narrative gradually reveals information about the "Allerford Awakens" project. The initial mystery surrounding the invitation, the contents of the information packet, and then Dr. Okoro's detailed presentation (Parts I, II, and III) unfold logically.
* Show, Don't Tell (Mostly): The decline of Flywheel Machining is shown through concrete numbers ($25 million revenue to $8 million, 70 employees to 13) rather than just stating it's struggling. Similarly, the initial reluctance of the audience is conveyed through the types of questions asked ("How can you guarantee...?", "What happens if...?").
* Building Suspense and Hope: The "last hope" for Allerford, the detailed plan, and Lars's internal struggle create a sense of urgency and cautious optimism. The ending, with Lars's commitment, provides a strong turning point.
* Sensory Details: Small details like the "sweet yellow onion petals" appetizer, the "Blackened Chicken Caesar Salad," and the "plinking of a spoon on a water glass" add to the atmosphere and make the scene more vivid.
* Symbolism of Flywheel Machining: The company's history, its logo (micrometer holding a gear, signifying "complex things with precision"), and Lars's emotional connection to it effectively symbolize the pride and struggles of the old industrial era.
Areas for Refinement
* Dialogue Could Be More Dynamic: While functional, some of the dialogue, especially during the presentations, is a bit formal and serves mainly to convey information. Injecting more distinct voices or naturalistic interruptions could make it more engaging. For example, the questions from the audience are generic.
* Minor Repetition: The idea that Allerford is "dying" or "sinking fast" is stated multiple times. While important for emphasis, a little more variety in phrasing could be beneficial.
* Occasional "Telling": While generally good at showing, there are a few instances where the narrative tells the reader something that could be implied or shown more subtly. For example, "Timmons did not know Claussen but had thoroughly mastered the art of quickly reading name tags, then acting as if they had been buddies for years." This is a direct statement that could potentially be demonstrated through Timmons's actions and Lars's reaction.
* The "Women Present" Detail: The line "The two reporters were the only women present" feels a bit like an abrupt observation without further development or context. If it's meant to highlight a male-dominated industry or gathering, it could be woven in more organically or explored slightly more. Otherwise, it comes across as a somewhat isolated observation.
* Lars's Internal Monologue on Risk: While his realization about his father and grandfather taking risks is good, the phrasing "They never talked about it, but I know from reading the company history that they laid it all on the line more than once" feels slightly clunky. Perhaps a more direct thought about their past sacrifices would be smoother.
* "Johnny Black, rocks": While this adds a bit of character to Lars's moment of reflection, it could be slightly more integrated into his thought process or lead to a deeper internal rumination. As is, it's a brief diversion.
Overall Impression
"Allerford Awakens" is a well-structured and promising start to a story about economic revitalization and personal commitment. The author effectively sets the scene, introduces compelling characters, and lays out a clear conflict and a potential solution. Lars Claussen's journey from despair to hope is at the heart of the narrative, making it a relatable and engaging read. The detailed plan presented by Dr. Okoro provides a concrete framework for the story's future development. With a few minor adjustments to dialogue and subtle narrative choices, this excerpt could be even stronger...sindbad


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6
6
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Detective

I have gone through your writing and did find this story fascinating and here is my detailed review, with best of my abilities.
The story, "The Ghosts of Vienna Gardens," delivers a compelling and atmospheric supernatural mystery.
The author skillfully builds suspense through sensory details, well-paced reveals, and believable character reactions, making for an engaging read.
Here's a breakdown of its strengths and areas for potential refinement:
Strengths
* Atmospheric and Immersive: The author excels at creating a palpable sense of unease. Descriptions like "the lights came on two by two, like marching ants," "shadows creeping around the objects," and "a chill slithered up the maintenance man’s spine" effectively draw the reader into Harvey's experience. The dust and dim lighting of the basement and twelfth floor are particularly well-rendered.
* Gradual Escalation of Supernatural Events: The story starts subtly with the misbehaving elevator and the curious Mrs. Pittman, then moves to the inexplicable billiard balls, and finally to the full-blown paranormal activity on the twelfth floor. This gradual unveiling of strange occurrences is highly effective in building suspense and making the supernatural elements feel more impactful.
* Strong Character Voice (Harvey): Harvey comes across as a grounded and relatable protagonist. His initial dismissal of the strange events as "overtired" or "mind playing tricks" is a realistic human reaction, making his eventual acceptance of the supernatural more impactful. His internal thoughts provide good insight into his growing fear and confusion.
* Effective Use of Dialogue (Rex): Rex serves as an excellent vehicle for delivering the complex's sordid history and local legends. His conversational tone and detailed anecdotes naturally weave in the backstory without feeling like an info-dump. The back-and-forth between Harvey and Rex feels authentic.
* Compelling Mystery: The central mystery surrounding the "ghosts" and their connection to the history of Vienna Gardens is intriguing. The hints of a connection between the actress's death, the party, and elevator six are well-placed.
* Pacing and Tension: The story maintains a good pace, especially once Harvey starts his investigation on the twelfth floor. The chase scene at the end is particularly tense and well-executed, leaving the reader on the edge of their seat.
* Sensory Details: The author effectively uses sensory details beyond just sight, incorporating sounds like "a billiard ball landing on the concert floor and rolling" and "raucous Hollywood parties," and even the feeling of "hair standing on end."
Areas for Potential Refinement
* Repetitive Phrases/Information: Some phrases or explanations are repeated, which can slightly slow the pacing. For example, the description of elevator six being "partially completed" and "left to the next manager" is reiterated. Similarly, the idea that "no one lived on the twelfth floor" is emphasized multiple times. A slight rephrasing or consolidation could make the narrative flow more smoothly.
* Minor Redundancies: In a few instances, information is presented that the reader has already deduced or been told. For example, stating that Harvey "shook himself and thought, get a hold of yourself" after experiencing the silence on the twelfth floor, while effective, could be slightly more succinct given his previous internal reactions to the basement events.
* Clarity in Action/Observation (Minor): While generally clear, there are tiny instances where a slightly more precise verb or description could enhance the visual. For instance, when Harvey first enters the basement and feels for the light switch, "The lights came on two by two, like marching ants" is a good image, but the exact mechanism of them turning on could be a hair clearer (e.g., if he flipped a single switch that activated them sequentially, or if there were multiple switches). This is a very minor point, however.
* "The maintenance man" and "The older man": While not inherently problematic, varying the descriptor used for Harvey and Rex (or using their names more frequently) could add a bit more fluidity to the prose in some sections, preventing slight repetition.
* Grammar/Typos: There are a few minor grammatical errors and typos (e.g., "The debated working" instead of "They debated working," "whose has experienced" instead of "who has experienced," "changing it" instead of "chasing it," "beams sown" instead of "beams down," "had a hand in updating the other elevators on duty that morning so Harvey and Rex pulled them in to help" could be rephrased to avoid a slightly clunky structure). A thorough proofread would polish these.
Overall Impression
"The Ghosts of Vienna Gardens" is a compelling and well-written supernatural story. The author demonstrates a strong grasp of creating atmosphere, developing engaging characters, and building suspense. The core mystery is fascinating, and the historical details provided by Rex are a major highlight, enriching the narrative significantly. With a few minor edits to reduce repetition and refine some phrasing, this story could be even stronger.
The ending leaves a satisfying sense of unresolved mystery and lingering dread, prompting the reader to consider the implications of what Harvey and Rex encountered. It successfully balances the thrill of the supernatural with the mundane realities of a maintenance man's job, making the otherworldly intrusions even more jarring...sindbad


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7
7
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Tom Chiu

This piece, "Noise-Supported—Knowing Ambitions," is a rich tapestry of abstract imagery and political commentary. It uses evocative language to explore themes of public opinion, leadership, and the often-fraught path toward collective goals.
Here's a breakdown of its strengths and possible interpretations:
Strengths
* Vivid Imagery and Metaphor: The poem is packed with striking metaphors. Phrases like "morose path / Toward indemnified rapture," "perilous circuit / Of vocal impudence," and "magical illusion of smoke and mirrors / Crystallizing in the optimal clarity" create a strong, almost dreamlike atmosphere.
* Abstract Yet Pointed Language: While abstract, the language often hints at specific societal or political dynamics. Terms like "party’s granular support," "constituency’s / Lathered squelching," and "plurality or majority / Of knowing, provident, / Witless actors" suggest a critique of political processes and public perception.
* Musicality and Rhythm: There's a subtle rhythm to the lines, especially with the enjambment, which pulls the reader through the verses. The alliteration ("vocal impudence...splays...loose designs") and assonance add to its auditory appeal.
* Exploration of Paradox: The poem frequently presents contrasting ideas, such as "indemnified rapture" (security and intense pleasure) and "witless actors and entrusted saints," highlighting the complexities and contradictions within human endeavors and collective movements.
Possible Interpretations
The poem seems to grapple with the tension between genuine aspiration and the chaotic, often manipulative, nature of public discourse and political maneuvering.
* The "Noise" of Public Opinion: The title itself, "Noise-Supported," suggests that collective ambition is often driven or distorted by the cacophony of public voices, rumors, and political rhetoric. "Nerves are constantly being frayed" underscores the stress and agitation inherent in this environment.
* The Struggle for "Indemnified Rapture": This could represent a collective desire for secure happiness or a promised utopia, which is pursued through a "morose path"—implying that the journey itself is difficult, perhaps even corrupting.
* Political Disillusionment: Lines like "An egalitarian rhetoric / For the patented demise / Of a party’s granular support" suggest that political language, despite sounding democratic ("egalitarian"), can be a pre-packaged means to dismantle genuine grassroots support.
* The Role of Leaders and Constituents: "Insiders struggle with their constituency’s / Lathered squelching" vividly portrays the frustration of leaders dealing with an agitated or unthinking populace. "Salient wisdom percolates" offers a glimmer of hope that genuine insight can emerge despite the turmoil.
* Martyrdom and Illusion: "The amplitude of martyrdom; / A magical illusion of smoke and mirrors" points to how sacrifice, or the idea of sacrifice, can be used as a powerful, yet ultimately deceptive, tool to gain support or justify actions.
* Financing and "Zany Experiments": The "Closing in on additional funds / For the zany, profligate experiment" could be a critique of large-scale, perhaps ill-conceived, projects or political campaigns that consume resources under the guise of public benefit.
* The Collective Delusion: The "miraculous victory" approved by "witless actors and entrusted saints" suggests a collective self-deception or a willingness to believe in narratives, regardless of their truth, especially when endorsed by those perceived as authoritative or saintly.
* The Stifling of Dissent/Progression: "The states precluding additional affirmations / By each solution-oriented side / Of the magnificent spectrum" might refer to rigid political systems or established powers that prevent genuine, diverse solutions from being considered.
Overall Impression
"Noise-Supported—Knowing Ambitions" is a thought-provoking and complex piece. It doesn't offer easy answers but instead invites the reader to ponder the intricate and often messy relationship between individual and collective ambition, public perception, and the nature of power. It has a compelling flow and leaves a lasting impression due to its unique blend of the abstract and the subtly critical.

sindbad


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8
8
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi
Tom Chiu

This is a very interesting and unconventional poem! It seems to be a stream-of-consciousness piece, using vivid and sometimes jarring imagery to create a sense of intimacy, desire, and domesticity.
Here's a review breaking down some of its elements:
Review of "An Easter Egg Splatter"
This poem, "An Easter Egg Splatter," is a fascinating and somewhat enigmatic journey through a landscape of evolving relationships, carnal desire, and everyday comforts. It eschews traditional narrative structure in favor of a series of evocative, often surreal, images that collectively paint a picture of burgeoning intimacy and contentment.
Imagery and Tone
The poem's strength lies in its bold and sometimes confrontational imagery. It opens with striking, almost disorienting lines like "An Easter egg splatter - the sigh-er is thinking - / A woman he knows is veritably shrinking." This immediate plunge into the unusual sets a tone that is both playful and intensely personal. The initial stanzas hint at a raw, almost predatory desire ("his strut’s fervent winking - / Knowledge so carnal, her cavity blinking"), juxtaposed later with more tender and domestic scenes.
The shift in tone is notable. From the initial intense, almost aggressive desire, the poem transitions to moments of shared comfort: "A comfy, old loveseat, sipping some rum…" and "They’re happy together, his gal’s rhythmic drum." This progression suggests a journey from initial attraction to a more settled and joyful relationship.
Word Choice and Structure
The word choices are deliberate and impactful, often using unexpected juxtapositions to create a unique effect. Phrases like "scrumptious drawstring," "cavalry's horses - the clothes off their backs," and "his loins duly mincing" are memorable and contribute to the poem's distinct voice. The use of internal rhyme and a consistent, albeit loose, AABB rhyme scheme gives the poem a musicality, even with its often unconventional subject matter.
The poem's structure, while not adhering to a conventional plot, uses each stanza as a vignette, contributing to a larger, evolving emotional landscape. The repeated "ing" endings in many lines create a continuous, flowing sensation, mimicking the ongoing nature of thoughts and experiences.
Themes
Several themes emerge from the poem's rich tapestry of images:
* Desire and Intimacy: This is a dominant theme, explored through both explicit and subtle imagery. The poem doesn't shy away from the physical aspects of attraction.
* Transformation and Growth: The "shrinking" woman, the "teddy / Barely in triumph," and the journey of the couple suggest a process of change and adaptation within the relationship.
* Domestic Bliss: Later stanzas, with images of "housewarming party," "tables with snacks," "loveseat," and "iced tea," evoke a sense of comfortable, shared life.
* Sensory Experience: The poem is highly sensory, appealing to sight, touch, taste ("smooth marmalade," "iced tea"), and even sound ("gal’s rhythmic drum," "honkers evincing").
Overall Impression
"An Easter Egg Splatter" is a bold, experimental piece that invites multiple interpretations. It’s a poem that demands engagement from the reader, allowing them to connect the dots between its disparate images. While some imagery might be considered jarring or even unsettling by some, it is precisely this unfiltered quality that gives the poem its unique power and makes it a memorable read. It's a raw, honest, and ultimately celebratory exploration of human connection in all its messy, magnificent forms.
I think the title you gave needs to change...lol

sindbad


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9
9
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi
Tim Chiu

This poem, "A Sweetheart’s Love: A Pair of Wings," is a passionate and vivid exploration of love, intimacy, and profound connection. Here's a review of its key aspects:
Overall Impression
The poem is a bold and uninhibited celebration of romantic and sexual love. It moves from ethereal, almost spiritual devotion to intensely physical descriptions, suggesting a love that encompasses both the sublime and the earthly. The imagery is strong, and the progression of the poem effectively builds from anticipation to fulfillment and lasting joy.
Strengths
* Evocative Imagery: The poem is rich with striking images, blending the celestial with the intimate. Phrases like "angelic, swift sword," "pyramid show," and "each constellation’s bough" create a sense of grandeur and timelessness.
* Sensory Detail: The third and fourth stanzas, in particular, are powerful in their use of sensory details, creating a palpable sense of passion and physical connection. "Wet kissing, sweet groans, my banging arose her" is a direct and impactful line.
* Emotional Arc: The poem effectively conveys a journey from admiration and longing to intense physical union and ultimately, a deep and enduring partnership. The transition from abstract concepts of love to concrete, physical manifestations is well-handled.
* Unique Blend of Themes: It successfully weaves together themes of devotion, triumph, ancient wisdom, nature, and explicit sensuality, creating a multifaceted portrayal of love.
* Metaphorical Depth: The recurring motif of "wings" in the title and later in the poem suggests freedom, elevation, and the ability to soar together, adding a beautiful layer to the celebration of partnership. The idea of "parts glow in cement" is also an interesting metaphor for the solidification and strength of their bond through shared intimacy.
Areas for Consideration
* Clarity in Early Stanzas: Some phrases in the first two stanzas, like "My stones sanely wafting" or "My love’s ancient levels, a pyramid show," are quite abstract and could benefit from slightly more grounding to fully connect with the reader on a first pass. While poetic, their exact meaning might be elusive for some.
* Word Choice and Rhyme Scheme: While the AABB rhyme scheme is consistent, a few rhymes feel slightly forced or less impactful, such as "chord" and "reward" feeling a bit conventional, or "compare" and "there" in the final stanza. However, this is subjective and doesn't detract significantly from the poem's overall power.
* Pacing in the Middle: The shift from the more metaphorical language of the first two stanzas to the explicit sensuality in the third is quite sudden. While this shock can be effective, a slightly smoother transition might allow the reader to adjust to the change in tone more gradually.
Conclusion
"A Sweetheart’s Love: A Pair of Wings" is a compelling and daring poem that unashamedly celebrates the multifaceted nature of love, from its spiritual heights to its most intimate physical expressions. It's a testament to a powerful, all-encompassing bond that is both ancient and ever-new. The raw honesty and vibrant imagery make it a memorable read...sindbad


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10
10
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi

flyfishercacher

Here's a review of "Scene 15 Rev B" focusing on its strengths and areas for potential improvement:
Overall Impression
This scene effectively captures a pivotal moment for Torey, highlighting his introduction to a new world of sports and the stark contrast between his family's circumstances and Addo's. The dialogue feels largely natural, and the dynamic between the two friends is well-established. The scene builds to a strong ending with the arrival at Torey's stop.
Strengths
* Character Development (Torey): We see Torey's initial excitement, then his growing concern and bewilderment as he learns more about the requirements and culture of soccer. His realization about "a big hole in his life" is powerful and relatable. His internal monologue at the end solidifies his character and sets up future conflict/growth.
* Character Development (Addo): Addo comes across as a supportive, knowledgeable, and genuinely kind friend. His patience with Torey's ignorance and his subtle attempts to ease Torey's embarrassment are commendable. His brief mention of his dad's background adds depth to his character.
* Natural Dialogue: Much of the conversation flows authentically, especially the back-and-forth about the cleats, Coach Dreyer, and the soccer ball. The casual tone and use of phrases like "Naa" and "Sure" contribute to realism.
* Pacing: The scene's pacing feels appropriate for a bus ride, allowing for a good amount of conversation and reflection.
* Emotional Arc: The scene moves from initial elation (getting the shoes) to growing concern and slight embarrassment (learning about soccer culture/cost), to a moment of deep sadness/realization for Torey, and finally to a lingering sense of apprehension at the end.
* Thematic Introduction: The scene subtly introduces themes of socioeconomic disparity, parental influence, and self-discovery.
* Strong Ending: The "Uh Oh. That's not good" line is a fantastic hook, creating immediate intrigue and foreshadowing conflict. Torey's internal thoughts just before this also add significant depth.
Areas for Potential Improvement
* Show, Don't Tell (Torey's Ignorance): While it's clear Torey is new to sports, some of his questions are a little too basic ("Do other sports do the same thing?"). This can sometimes make him seem a bit naive, even for someone who hasn't been exposed to organized sports. Consider ways to convey his lack of experience more subtly, perhaps through his reactions or observations rather than direct questions about fundamental concepts.
* Pacing of the Financial Revelation: The shift to talking about money feels a little abrupt. While it's important for the plot, the transition from "Do you have all your own soccer gear?" to "Doesn't your Mom or Dad give you any money?" could be smoothed out slightly.
* Addo's Reaction to Torey's Money Situation: Addo's response of "I don't understand. How can your Mom not have any money?" and "Oh?" feels a little too passive given the severity of Torey's revelation about his father controlling all the money. While it's good that Addo senses it's "none of his business," his initial perplexity could be shown with slightly more concern or a clearer internal reaction. He recovers well later by offering to delay repayment.
* Torey's Internal Monologue - Racial Element: Torey's thought, "Why does he have to live in Drullins because he is black?" feels a little out of place in terms of his character's current focus and knowledge. While it's a valid observation, it's a very direct and somewhat heavy statement to drop in his internal monologue without more prior context within the story about racial segregation or specific experiences Torey has had with it. If this is a theme, it needs more groundwork laid before this explicit thought. If not, it might be better to imply socioeconomic differences without directly linking them to race in Torey's mind at this stage, unless he has a clear reason to make that connection.
* Minor Dialogue Refinements:
* "Torey surveyed the other bus passengers, oblivious to disapproving looks from a few. Addo noticed but said nothing." This is an interesting detail, but the "disapproving looks" are never explained or revisited. If it's not going to be relevant, it could be removed to streamline. If it is relevant, perhaps a subtle hint as to why they are disapproving would strengthen it.
* "What?" exclaimed Torey, surprised at this new requirement." - This reaction to needing a ball is good, but his later "Now I have to buy a ball?" feels slightly repetitive given the immediate prior surprise.
Suggestions for Revision (Optional)
* Refining Torey's Ignorance: Instead of directly asking if other sports have feeder teams, Torey could observe something related to another sport and wonder if it's the "same kind of deal" as the soccer feeder team. This would show his learning and curiosity without making him seem completely clueless.
* Transition to Money Talk: Perhaps a moment where Torey mentally calculates the cost of the shoes and the bus fare, leading him to think about his own finances, could naturally segue into the discussion about money.
* Deepening Addo's Reaction: When Torey reveals his dad controls the money, Addo could show a bit more nuanced concern – perhaps a slight furrow of the brow, or a quiet, thoughtful "That sounds tough," before changing the subject or redirecting.
* Revisiting the Racial Element: If the intent is to explore race and geography, consider setting up this thought more explicitly earlier in the story, or rephrasing Torey's internal thought to be more about the differences in their lives and the socioeconomic realities, rather than a direct assumption about race dictating where Addo lives. For instance, "I like Addo. He’s a nice kid. His parents are sure different than mine. Playing sports and going to college never comes up at our house. I wonder why he lives in Drullins and I'm here." This keeps the focus on Torey's perspective of his own limited world.
Conclusion
This is a well-written scene that effectively moves the plot forward and deepens our understanding of Torey and Addo's friendship and their differing backgrounds. The emotional beats land well, and the ending is strong. Addressing the minor points about Torey's direct questions and the racial comment could elevate the scene even further....sindbad


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11
11
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Kathie Stehr

This is a chilling and atmospheric horror story! You've done a fantastic job of building suspense and creating a pervasive sense of dread. Here's a review highlighting its strengths and offering a few suggestions:
Review: "Tragedy Strikes at the Huntley Mansion"
Your story, "Tragedy Strikes at the Huntley Mansion," is a masterclass in slow-burn horror, expertly lulling the reader into a false sense of security before unleashing a truly terrifying ordeal. The descriptive language is a real highlight, immersing the reader in both the picturesque autumnal setting and the escalating terror within the mansion.
Strengths:
* Atmosphere and Setting: You excel at setting the scene. The initial descriptions of the quaint town, the charming country roads, and even the eccentric gas station create a vivid, almost idyllic backdrop. This stark contrast makes the gradual shift into unease and outright horror all the more impactful. The sensory details – the scent of burning leaves, the calliope music, the "greenish-gray liquid" in jars – are fantastic.
* Creeping Dread: The story's pacing is excellent. You introduce subtle hints of strangeness early on, like the unsettling carnival appearing out of nowhere and the lady at the gas station's "feral look" and "yellow eyes." These small moments accumulate, building a palpable sense of creeping dread that culminates in the characters being trapped.
* Character Relatability: Callie and Cole feel like a real couple. Their playful banter, Cole's pragmatic worries contrasted with Callie's whimsical dreams, and their genuine affection for each other make their eventual terror and separation deeply affecting. Callie's artistic eye and Cole's protective nature are well-established, making their reactions believable.
* Effective Use of Foreshadowing: The phrase "Cole knows one day their luck will run out and cops will arrest them for trespassing..." subtly foreshadows the danger they eventually face, though the reality is far more sinister than mere arrest. The description of the house's "fragile weathered door" that then won't budge is also a great touch.
* Terrifying Climax: The trapped sequence is genuinely frightening. The failed attempts to escape, the dead cell phones, and the increasingly disturbing sounds and sensations within the house ("breathing," "thundering heartbeat," feeling like she's "inside a body") are truly unsettling. Cole's sudden disappearance is a shocking and impactful moment that leaves the reader reeling with Callie.
* Ambiguity and Supernatural Elements: You wisely leave the exact nature of the threat ambiguous, which enhances the horror. Is the house alive? Possessed? A dimensional trap? The uncertainty makes it more terrifying than a clearly defined monster. The glass coffin with the woman and roses is a brilliantly macabre detail that adds to the supernatural mystery.
Suggestions for Enhancement:
* Punctuation and Flow: There are a few instances where punctuation (commas, especially) could be adjusted for smoother reading and clearer sentence structure. For example, some longer sentences might benefit from being broken up or having additional commas for natural pauses.
* Show, Don't Tell (Minor Instances): While generally good, a few phrases like "A sense of panic is beginning to overtake Callie" could be strengthened by showing her physical reactions more directly instead of stating the emotion. You do this very well later with "dampness collects under her arms and on her neck" and "tears slipping down her cheeks," so expanding on that earlier would be even stronger.
* The Carnivore Scene: The carnival sequence is unsettling, but its direct relevance to the mansion's malevolence isn't fully clear. While it effectively demonstrates the strange, isolated nature of the area, a subtle connection or payoff (even if indirect) could further tie it into the overall narrative of the house.
* The Quote: The quote at the end is thought-provoking, but its connection to Callie's specific fate could be made slightly more explicit within the narrative or through a concluding thought. While it resonates with the story's grim ending, ensuring it feels fully integrated could enhance its impact.
Overall:
"Tragedy Strikes at the Huntley Mansion" is a compelling and deeply unsettling horror story. You create a powerful sense of isolation and dread, making the reader feel trapped alongside Callie. The ending is particularly brutal and effective, leaving a lasting impression. This piece has strong potential and demonstrates your skill in crafting atmospheric and suspenseful narratives.
What do you think was the most terrifying moment for Callie?

Indeed suspenseful..sindbad


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12
12
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi
Daisan

This is a compelling and well-written piece. You've done an excellent job of creating a vivid setting and distinct characters in a short space.
Narrative Flow and Regional Dialect Critique
Overall, the narrative flows exceptionally well, and the regional dialect is easily understood while adding significant character and authenticity.
Let's break it down:
Narrative Flow
The story moves with a natural, unhurried pace that suits the setting and the characters.
* Pacing: The opening sets a deliberate pace, with Cole's actions and his waiting for customers. This calm immediately contrasts with the arrival of the "hard men," ratcheting up the tension subtly.
* Smooth Transitions: The shifts between Cole's perspective and the men from Macon's discussion at the diner are seamless. The break with the three asterisks (***) is clear and effective for a scene change.
* Rising Tension: The tension builds organically through Cole's internal thoughts ("killers all," "his right hand itched to feel the hard metal"), his guarded responses to the men, and then, crucially, through the conversation at the diner where their intentions become clearer.
* Character Interplay: The dialogue drives the narrative forward. Cole's exchanges with the men from Macon, and later with Emerson, reveal character, provide information, and advance the plot. Similarly, the diner conversation among Talley, Walton, Goggins, and Martin highlights their differing personalities and methods.
* Foreshadowing/Setup: Cole's shiv and his past experiences are introduced early, making his later actions and concerns more impactful. The mention of Darcy's Diner and then the men going there, followed by Martin's conversation with the cook, creates a satisfying narrative loop.
Regional Dialect
The regional dialect is one of the strongest elements of this piece, providing rich characterization and a strong sense of place without hindering comprehension.
* Authenticity: The dialogue, particularly Cole's and Emerson's, feels incredibly authentic to a specific time and place (likely the American South in a historical context, given the mention of "colored" facilities and "colored side of town").
* Readability: You've struck an excellent balance. The phonetic spellings ("Mornin' suh," "er'body," "I'on't," "crackas," "Fo'," "Sho'") are consistent and clear. They enhance the voice without requiring the reader to re-read or struggle to understand. This is crucial for maintaining flow.
* Character Distinction: The dialect immediately distinguishes Cole and Emerson from the more formal (though still regional in subtle ways) speech of the men from Macon. This helps solidify their identities for the reader.
* Subtle Touches: Small phrases like "Can't say from first-hand 'sperience, suh. They don't serve colored but, er'body we send down there come back satisfied. Leastways, that's what they say," convey so much about the social dynamics of the era through Cole's careful, almost deferential, yet subtly informative language.
* Slang/Idiom Use: "Jammed up," "clip one of his group," and "lay the right people down" fit well within the criminal underworld context and contribute to the atmosphere.
Minor Considerations (More praise than critique):
* You could perhaps, if you wanted to lean into it just a hair more, occasionally show a slight southern cadence in the Macon men's dialogue, but their current speech perfectly highlights their professional, more reserved (or calculating) nature in contrast to Cole's more open, local speech. What you have is effective as is.
Overall Impressions
This is a gripping excerpt. Cole is a fantastic character – his quiet observation, his internal fear, and his deep-seated instinct for survival are palpable. The reveal of his past as a "guest of the state of Georgia" and his "shiv" makes him immediately complex and adds gravitas to his assessment of the "hard men." The dynamic between the Macon men is also well-drawn, particularly Talley's strategic thinking vs. Goggins' brute force.
The scene with Emerson is particularly strong. It provides a brief respite from the tension, allows Cole to act on his instincts to warn the Harris family (revealing a deeper code of honor and debt), and reinforces the strong sense of community that exists in contrast to the outsiders. The ending, with Cole seeking solitude and a smoke, is a fitting, understated conclusion that leaves the reader wanting to know what happens next.
Great work! Do you have a specific aspect you'd like to refine or discuss further?
Please do keep me posted...sindbad


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13
13
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
flyfishercacher

Here's a review of your scene, focusing on its effectiveness and areas for potential refinement:
Scene 07 Review: "Introduction to General Science"
This scene effectively introduces key characters and sets up relationships and conflicts for the story. The dialogue is natural, and the classroom setting feels authentic.
What Works Well
* Character Introduction: You smoothly introduce Torey, Addo, Viviana, and Dr. Henderson, giving them distinct initial impressions. Torey's immediate attraction to Viviana is clear and sets up their "soon to be girlfriend" dynamic.
* Realistic Classroom Setting: The description of the room, the equipment, and Henderson's demeanor creates a believable and immersive environment. The detail about the "cheap stuff" in cabinets versus the "expensive equipment" in locked ones is a nice touch.
* Natural Dialogue: The conversations, especially between Torey and Addo, feel very authentic to teenage boys. Henderson's initial monologue about being the "whole science department" provides a bit of humor and character.
* Clear Plot Points: The two "items of business" – the composition and the lab teams – provide clear drivers for the immediate scene and future interactions.
* Pacing: The scene moves at a good pace, balancing description with action and dialogue.
* Foreshadowing/Setup: Addo's comment about girls not being good at science and Viviana's initial complaint about her topic ("Why do we have to write a stupid paper anyway?") are great setups for character development and potential conflicts or growth arcs.
Areas for Refinement
* Show, Don't Tell (Torey's Impression of Viviana): While "Striking to Torey — full figured with a dark complexion. Well dressed, her long wavy black hair fell to her shoulders" gives a good visual, consider more of Torey's internal reaction or a subtle physical manifestation of his interest beyond just his gaze freezing. Perhaps a slight intake of breath, or a feeling in his stomach.
* Example to consider: Instead of "Suddenly his gaze froze. At the front table’s far end sat a girl who caught his eye," you could try something like, "His gaze swept the room, then snagged on a girl at the front table’s far end. She was striking – full-figured with a dark complexion, her long, wavy black hair falling to her shoulders. He felt a jolt, a sudden awareness that made the rest of the room fade."
* "Soon to be girlfriend": This is explicitly stated in the character list, but ensure the narrative shows this progression. The scene sets up the initial interest well, but be mindful of the "soon to be" aspect in subsequent scenes.
* Addo's Realization: Addo's "Okay, I get it," while concise, could benefit from a tiny bit more specificity if you want to emphasize his understanding. "Okay, I get it," Addo said, a wide grin spreading across his face as he looked from Torey to the now-empty doorway Viviana had exited. "Viviana. Right." This is a minor point, but it could subtly enhance the moment.
* Viviana's Reaction to Topic: Her line, "I don’t know anything about that. Why do we have to write a stupid paper anyway?" is good, but you could consider if it's too immediate or if there's a slightly more nuanced way to show her apprehension without making her sound entirely dismissive of learning. It works as is, but it's something to consider for character depth if her future arc involves overcoming this initial resistance.
Overall Impression
The scene is well-crafted and serves its purpose effectively. You've established the setting, introduced the main characters, and laid the groundwork for future interactions. The dialogue is a strong point, making the characters feel real and relatable. The slight tweaks suggested are minor and intended only to elevate an already solid piece of writing.
Keep up the great work! Do you have any specific aspects of the scene you'd like to discuss further?

sindbad


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14
14
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
PastorJuan

This is a powerful and deeply personal testimony. Here's a review, breaking down its strengths and offering a few minor suggestions for refinement:
Review of "If You Can Change Me, You Can Have Me"
This testimony is a compelling and authentic account of a transformative spiritual journey. It's rich with personal detail, vulnerability, and a strong narrative arc that draws the reader in.
Strengths:
* Vulnerability and Honesty: The opening immediately establishes the author's brokenness, addiction, and despair ("I had come to believe that it would be better for everyone around me if I just died."). This raw honesty is incredibly powerful and relatable, even for readers who haven't shared similar experiences. It sets the stage for a dramatic transformation.
* Clear Turning Point: The moment David Wilkerson's statement, "Give God a chance to prove to you that He can do what He says He can do," breaks through the "droning rumble" is a masterful narrative device. It's a clear, pivotal moment where the author's internal monologue shifts.
* The Unconventional Prayer: The prayer itself – "I don’t know if You exist or not, but if you can change me, you can have me. But, if you can’t change me, then don’t mess with me" – is incredibly unique and memorable. It captures the author's desperation, skepticism, and ultimate willingness to surrender, but on his own terms initially. This makes the subsequent transformation even more impactful.
* Relatable Early Church Experience: The apprehension about the singing, dancing, and "noises with their mouths" is very relatable for anyone new to a vibrant church environment. It adds a touch of humor and authenticity to the initial awkwardness.
* Passion for Study: The shift from a reluctant churchgoer to an avid, almost obsessive, Bible student is beautifully conveyed. The details about pre-Google research methods (Strong's, Vine's, Naves, manually sorting verses) truly highlight the depth of the author's commitment and passion for understanding God's Word. This resonates with anyone who has delved deeply into a subject.
* Gradual Transformation: The testimony wisely emphasizes that change wasn't instantaneous but a process of learning, applying, and then seeing the results. "It was what I learned as I studied that changed me. It changed me as I applied those lessons in my personal life." This is a crucial and realistic aspect of spiritual growth.
* Strong Conclusion: The concluding sentence, linking the initial prayer to the ongoing journey of salvation and the purpose of hiding God's Word in the heart, ties everything together effectively.
Minor Suggestions for Refinement:
* Pacing in the Middle: While the detailed description of Bible study methods is a strength, it might feel a touch long for some readers. You could consider slightly condensing or varying the sentence structure in that section to maintain momentum. For instance, rather than listing out every step of the meticulous study process, you could summarize the intensity of the study more concisely.
* Repetition of "I worried to myself" / "I argued within me": While effective once or twice, these phrases appear a few times. You could vary the phrasing slightly, e.g., "I wondered anxiously," "My mind raced," "An internal debate raged."
* Flow of "But God is merciful, and Bible software came on to the scene.": This sentence feels a little abrupt in its transition. Perhaps "Fortunately, God is merciful, and..." or "Then, mercifully, Bible software..." to smooth the flow.
* A "Hook" or "Why this matters": While the opening is strong, a very brief, perhaps one-sentence, introduction before "In 1984..." could set the stage even more powerfully, framing the entire testimony. Something like: "This is the story of how I went from utter despair and addiction to finding a new life, all because of a desperate prayer and a commitment to understanding." This is optional, as the current opening is also very direct.
* Grammar/Punctuation Polish: There are a few minor grammatical points (e.g., "I did not know enough to consider that I could look around and search for another place to go" could be "I didn't know enough to consider looking around for another place to go"). A thorough proofread would catch these small improvements. For example:
* "I mostly spoke English" -> "I primarily spoke English" or "English was my main language."
* "a 45 to a one-hour sermon" -> "a 45-minute to one-hour sermon"
* "what he has said" -> "what he had said"
* "one versus a time" -> "one verse at a time"
* "God in book form" -> "God in written form" or "God in a book."
* "I got save along the way" -> "I got saved along the way"
Overall:
This is a powerful, inspiring, and well-structured testimony. It effectively conveys the profound spiritual journey from despair to salvation, emphasizing the crucial role of dedicated study and the application of God's Word. The author's voice is clear and authentic, making the experience deeply personal and resonant. With a few minor polishes, it will shine even brighter...sindbad


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15
15
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
iKïyå§ama-Yay-Nurses!

This epistolary story, told through diary entries to "Arnie," is a powerful and deeply affecting narrative of a tumultuous relationship marked by love, abuse, and ultimately, loss.

Overall Observation

The story masterfully uses the diary entry format to reveal the protagonist's emotional journey and the escalating dysfunction of their relationship with Lisa. The fragmented nature of the entries, with their gaps in time and abrupt endings, perfectly mirrors the chaotic and unpredictable reality of the protagonist's life. This creates a sense of immediacy and raw honesty, drawing the reader directly into their internal world.

Strengths

* Authentic Voice:

The protagonist's voice feels incredibly real and vulnerable. The use of casual language, direct address to "Arnie," and raw expressions of pain and confusion make them highly relatable and elicit strong empathy.

* Pacing and Revelation:

The story excels in its pacing. Information about the abuse is hinted at subtly at first ("cut on my forehead," "She’s like a drug"), then gradually revealed in increasing detail ("bruises," "shove here, a slap there"). This slow burn of revelation is incredibly effective, creating a sense of growing dread and disbelief.

* Emotional Depth:

The complex emotions of the protagonist are portrayed with nuance. Their love for Lisa, even amidst the abuse, is palpable, making the "How do I quit someone like that?" line particularly poignant.
The internal conflict between their love and the harm they endure is heartbreaking.

* Subtle Foreshadowing:

The mention of Lisa's "little white pills" and the protagonist's growing unease subtly foreshadow the tragic turn of events, adding a layer of tragic irony to the earlier struggles.

* Impactful Ending:

The ending is incredibly powerful. The eulogy, where the protagonist chooses to remember the good despite the immense pain, is a testament to the enduring, complex nature of love and grief. The final lines, "Now the apartment feels colder. The silence is louder. But maybe… maybe I can get used to it. Maybe I can start again. Someday," offer a glimmer of hope amidst profound loss, leaving a lasting impression.

* Addressing Taboo Subjects:

The story bravely tackles the often-overlooked issue of domestic abuse within same-sex relationships, and particularly where the male partner is the victim, which is rarely portrayed in media. This adds a crucial layer of social relevance and impact.
Areas for Consideration (Minor)

* "Same Sex" Apology:

The line "I apologized—for being the same sex—dripping with sarcasm" feels a little on-the-nose in its delivery of the sarcastic apology. While the intent is clear, it slightly breaks the immersive flow of the protagonist's raw internal monologue. Perhaps a slightly more indirect expression of that sarcasm could have maintained the gritty realism.

* Boss's Assumption:

The boss assuming it's a "boyfriend" adds to the irony, but it could be argued that the narrative already established enough about the protagonist's identity and the nature of the relationship for the reader to grasp the irony without explicit mention of the boss's assumption. However, this is a minor point and doesn't detract significantly from the story's overall impact.

Conclusion

This is a profoundly moving and well-crafted piece. The epistolary format is utilized to its full potential, allowing for an intimate and unflinching exploration of a challenging relationship. The character development, emotional honesty, and impactful revelations make it a truly memorable read. It's a testament to the quiet strength of the human spirit in the face of adversity and the enduring complexities of love and loss.


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16
16
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi

flyfishercacher

My Review for, "Breakfast with Nessie"
This scene effectively highlights the strained family dynamics and introduces a new layer of complexity with Brodey's unexpected generosity. Here's a breakdown of its strengths and areas for potential refinement:
Strengths:
* Strong Character Contrast: The scene immediately establishes the stark differences between Nessie and Brodey, particularly in their reactions to the previous night's conflict. Nessie's quiet turmoil and Brodey's calculated avoidance are clear.
* Realistic Dialogue: The conversation between Nessie and Torey feels authentic for a mother and teenage son. Torey's frustration and Nessie's attempts to protect him while also trying to explain Brodey's behavior ring true.
* Sensory Details: The descriptions of the kitchen – the yellow color scheme, the smell of bacon, the sounds of morning – effectively immerse the reader in the setting.
* Subtle Clues and Mystery: The extra twenty-dollar bill is a great touch, adding intrigue and prompting the reader to wonder about Brodey's motives. Nessie's internal debate about it is well-articulated.
* Emotional Depth: Nessie's tearful eyes and Torey's blunt questions about his father's anger convey the emotional weight of their family situation.
* Forward Momentum: Torey's plan to get a job and go shoe shopping provides clear direction for future scenes and gives him agency.
* Show, Don't Tell: Instead of saying Nessie was "proper," the script describes her disheveled hair as "unusual for her," which is a good example of showing rather than telling.
Areas for Potential Refinement:
* Minor Repetition:
* "Coffee's cold" at the very beginning and then "Nessie sipped her cold coffee" could be slightly condensed or varied. Perhaps just one mention of the cold coffee would suffice, or imply it by her actions.
* The detail about the kitchen's yellow decor is repeated slightly when Torey enters. While it reinforces his comfort, a slight rephrasing or less emphasis on the second mention might be smoother.
* Clarity on "Game Face": "put on her game face. That wasn't going to work this morning." This is effective, but perhaps a slight expansion on why it wouldn't work (beyond just her eyes) could deepen the moment. What specific resolve was she trying to muster that failed?
* Mrs. Bernardo: The mention of Mrs. Bernardo at the beginning feels a little disconnected. While it sets a peaceful morning scene, she doesn't re-appear or play any role. If she's not significant, perhaps a brief mention of a neighbor, or simply focusing on Nessie's internal world, would be more streamlined. If she is significant later, then this intro is good.
* Torey's "Highly Polished Black Church Shoes": This is a key visual, but the description "protruding from under the legs of Torey's jeans" could be slightly more active or visually dynamic. Perhaps Torey is already wearing them, or he makes a point of showing them.
* Nessie's Internal Monologue - "He's right, she thought...": This thought is a good internal beat for Nessie, but it comes after a line where Torey says "I can't do it, Mom!" which implies he's talking about school being hard with the family fighting. Nessie's thought here might be slightly more impactful if it directly follows Torey's statement about needing a job, affirming her agreement with his plan.
* The "Stash" Detail: Torey's line, "It must have taken years to stash twenty bucks – nickels and dimes at a time. I shouldn’t take that money… but I need shoes!" is a strong internal thought, but it's presented as dialogue from Torey. While it shows his perception of his mother's sacrifice, consider if this could be an internal thought for Torey, perhaps implied through his pause or a look, rather than explicitly stated. It might amplify the pathos.
* "Love you too." Nessie's "Love you too" might benefit from a slight descriptor to show her continued emotion after Torey leaves, perhaps "she said, her voice still thick with emotion" or something similar, connecting back to her earlier crying.
Overall Impression:
This is a solid scene that effectively moves the plot forward while deepening our understanding of the characters and their struggles. The tension between poverty, pride, and paternal fear is palpable. The introduction of the extra twenty dollars adds a compelling new element that promises further character development. The core emotional beats are strong, and the dialogue is largely natural. Just a few minor tweaks could elevate it further.


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17
17
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
flyfishercacher

This is a very strong and evocative piece of descriptive writing! Here's a review of its strengths and some minor suggestions for consideration:


This scene masterfully paints a vivid and gritty picture of the Drullins neighborhood, effectively establishing Torey's challenging environment. The narrative voice, presumably Jonathan's, is direct, cynical, and observational, drawing the reader into this often-overlooked world.
Strengths:
* Strong Sense of Place: The description of Drullins is incredibly detailed and immersive. From the narrow streets and close-set houses to the lack of parking, postage-stamp backyards, and the unique garbage collection system, every detail contributes to a tangible sense of place. You successfully convey the physical and social realities of an inner-city neighborhood.
* Compelling Narrative Voice: Jonathan's voice is distinct and engaging. His interjections ("While Torey ponders where to buy soccer cleats, I'm going to interrupt...") create an immediate connection with the reader and set a clear, somewhat informal, but authoritative tone. His cynical observations ("Probably not. No reason, unless you know someone and have to go.") add depth and honesty.
* Sensory Details: The scene is rich with sensory details. The sound of neighbors snoring, fighting, and "doing other things" through thin walls; the clang of garbage can lids; the imagined smell in the alley on an August garbage collection day; and the sight of TV sets on windowsills all contribute to a multi-sensory experience for the reader.
* Character and Social Commentary: While primarily descriptive of the setting, the scene subtly reveals aspects of the inhabitants' lives. The reliance on public transportation, the "Haves from Have-Nots" distinguished by air conditioners, the weekend drunks, and the kids hanging out at Kopischke's all paint a picture of the community and its struggles. The description of the garbage man as symbolic proof that the residents are "not the very bottom layer of society" is a particularly poignant and powerful piece of social commentary.
* Effective Use of Institutions: The introduction of Kopischke's Market and Duffy's Tavern as key neighborhood institutions helps to ground the scene and provide focal points for community interaction. The descriptions of their roles and typical patrons add further realism.
* Pacing and Flow: The descriptions are well-paced, moving from general layout to specific details, then to lifestyle features, and finally to key institutions. The transitions are smooth, keeping the reader engaged.
* Clear Contrast: The initial contrast with "chic neighborhoods" like Beacon Hill effectively highlights the stark reality of Drullins and immediately sets the tone for the description to follow.
Minor Suggestions for Consideration:
* Word Choice - "Poor folks": While the intention is to be direct, "poor folks" might feel a little reductive to some readers. Consider if there's another phrase that conveys the same meaning with a slightly different nuance, such as "low-income residents" or simply letting the descriptions of their living conditions speak for themselves without an overt label. However, given Jonathan's cynical voice, it might be entirely intentional and fitting.
* "Counting one side of two of the major streets means a city block will contain 180 homes." This calculation might be slightly confusing or require the reader to do mental math. If a block is 1/10th of a mile on a side, and there are two narrow residential streets within it (with 30 houses on each side of each street), that's 120 houses. Then "counting one side of two of the major streets" feels like an add-on that might not neatly lead to 180 houses on one city block. It might be worth double-checking this number or clarifying the geometry if it's crucial. If the exact number isn't vital, a more general statement about the density might suffice.
* Grammar/Flow - "The lids clang hitting the ground as he removes and drops them." "The lids clang as they hit the ground as he removes and drops them" or "The lids clang, hitting the ground as he removes and drops them" might flow a little more smoothly.
* Repetition of "always black": The phrase "always black" is used twice in quick succession regarding the garbage man. While impactful, you might consider if the second instance could be rephrased slightly to maintain emphasis without direct repetition, or if the initial statement is powerful enough on its own.
Overall:
This scene is a highly effective piece of descriptive writing that firmly establishes the setting and atmosphere of Drullins. It's rich in detail, vivid in its imagery, and presents a compelling, albeit bleak, social commentary. It provides an excellent foundation for Torey's story, clearly outlining the world he inhabits and the limitations he faces. The contrast between this harsh reality and his seemingly mundane quest for soccer cleats sets up a great dynamic for character development...sindbad


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18
18
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
flyfishercacher

A detailed review: “They’re Only Shoes”
This scene effectively introduces the core family dynamic of the Campbells and immediately establishes the tension between Torey and his father, Brodey. The dialogue feels authentic, capturing the nuances of a strained parent-child relationship complicated by financial stress and differing values.
Strengths:
* Strong Character Introductions: Brodey's character is immediately clear. His anger, stinginess, and blue-collar disdain for anything "unnecessary" like sports are palpable. Nessie emerges as the quiet, peace-keeping force, subtly defiant. Torey is well-portrayed as a typical teenager caught between his parents, longing for independence and passion, and slightly intimidated by his father.
* Realistic Dialogue: The back-and-forth about the shoes' age is very believable for a family argument, showcasing the different perspectives and the father's stubbornness. Nessie's interjections are well-placed, showing her attempts to mediate and defend Torey without directly confronting Brodey head-on until the very end.
* Sensory Details: The descriptions of the small, immaculate kitchen, the "aroma of Nessie's cooking," and especially Torey noticing "machine oil on his father's work clothes" and the "yellow Naugahyde kitchen chair" are fantastic. They ground the scene in a specific, tangible reality, hinting at the family's socioeconomic status and Brodey's profession.
* Clear Conflict: The central conflict—Torey needing new shoes for soccer and Brodey's refusal/reluctance to provide them—is immediately clear and drives the scene. It's a relatable struggle for many working-class families.
* Pacing and Tension: The scene builds tension effectively, starting with Torey's trepidation, escalating with Brodey's rage, and then slowly diffusing as Brodey starts to back down. The "storm was over" feeling, quickly followed by the underlying tension between Nessie and Brodey, maintains interest.
* Subtlety in Brodey's Character: While an antagonist, Brodey isn't a caricature. His "hint of surrender" and "sullen grouchiness" instead of sustained rage show some complexity. The line about his physical size potentially leading to more violence if he were larger is a powerful, albeit dark, insight into his character and the family's dynamic.
* Torey's Internal Monologue: Torey's thoughts like "Yep, green work clothes, today must be Wednesday," and his racing questions about money and shoes, provide excellent insight into his anxiety and youthful perspective. His excitement about playing soccer, despite the struggle, is poignant.
Areas for Minor Refinement:
* Dialogue Punctuation/Formatting: A few minor inconsistencies or opportunities for improvement in dialogue formatting. For example:
* "No, Pop. These shoes are over a year old, and I wear them every day." - This is fine, but sometimes separating the "No, Pop" with a dash or em-dash (No, Pop – these shoes...) can emphasize the quick retort.
* "Ya hea me!" could be "Ya hear me!" or "Ya hear me?" depending on desired tone, but "hea" suggests the pronunciation. It's a stylistic choice.
* Redundancy in Money/Value Description: The lines "Torey could have said anything. Brodey had no idea of prices or value; except everything was unnecessary, poorly made, and too expensive" followed by "Torey had no idea about the price of shoes. He was just as bad as Brodey, except that he was only 13 years old" feel slightly redundant. The reader understands Brodey's ignorance of prices from his reaction. You might streamline this.
* "Rainy-day stash, eh?" Repetition: Brodey grumbling "Rainy-day stash, eh?" twice feels a little repetitive given the context. The first time establishes his disapproval; the second might be slightly overkill, though it reinforces his lingering annoyance.
Overall Impression:
This is a very strong scene. It's tightly written, engaging, and effectively establishes the core conflicts and relationships that will likely drive the narrative forward. The characters are distinct and believable, and the dialogue feels authentic. It successfully portrays the domestic battlefield of a small, working-class home where seemingly minor issues can erupt into significant confrontations, underpinned by deeper resentments and differing worldviews. The resolution, while not a complete reconciliation, provides enough immediate relief for Torey to be excited, while still leaving the underlying tensions (especially between Nessie and Brodey, and Torey's continued struggle for independence) simmering for future scenes.
You've captured a very real and resonant family dynamic here. Well done. Great Job...sindbad


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19
19
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
flyfishercacher


This scene effectively introduces the core characters and sets up the central conflict of Torey's desire to play soccer despite his financial limitations. The pacing is generally good, and the dialogue feels natural, especially between Torey and Addo.
Strengths:
* Clear Protagonist and Goal: Torey's desire to play soccer is immediately clear, and his struggle with being unprepared and lacking gear creates a strong, relatable conflict.
* Strong Character Introductions:
* Torey: His internal thoughts ("My God, these guys are in shape. I'm never going to make it," "Does everybody live like this, or just us?") effectively convey his vulnerability, determination, and underlying anxieties. His quick study nature during the scrimmage is a nice touch.
* Addo: He comes across as a supportive and observant best friend. His initial "First time, OK. Next time come prepared" with the suppressed smile, followed by the shared laughter, is a great moment that solidifies their friendship. His "Field Marshall air" on the field juxtaposed with his deference to the coach is a brilliant detail that shows his multifaceted personality.
* Willem Dreyer: He immediately establishes himself as a kind, understanding, and authoritative figure. His "massive hand" and the comforting feeling it gives Torey are strong symbolic details. The "Do you really want to play?" question is a powerful moment that cuts to the core of Torey's dilemma.
* Effective Pacing: The scene moves swiftly from Torey's departure from home to his arrival at the park, the practice itself, and the resolution with Coach Dreyer. The details of the practice (warm-ups, drills, wind sprints, scrimmage) give a good sense of the physical challenge Torey faces.
* Sensory Details: The "screen door clacking," the description of Dreyer's size and hand, and the vivid image of Torey's sneaker tearing off all contribute to a more immersive experience.
* Emotional Arc: Torey goes from excited, to self-conscious, to wiped out, to embarrassed, to hopeful. This clear emotional journey makes him a compelling character.
* Thematically Rich: The scene subtly touches on themes of socio-economic disparity, perseverance, mentorship, and friendship. The nagging question, "Does everybody live like this, or just us?" at the end is a powerful lingering thought.
Areas for Refinement:
* Mother's Reaction: Nessie Campbell's absent-minded reply and not realizing what her son said is a bit abrupt. While it sets up Torey's independent journey, it could be slightly smoother. Perhaps a quick, "Mom, I'm off to Runestone Park for soccer!" and her "Soccer? Oh, okay honey, have fun!" to still show her distraction but acknowledge the activity.
* Minor Repetition: The phrase "Pleased to meet you" is used twice in close succession. Consider varying Torey's reply slightly, perhaps "Nice to meet you too, sir" or "The pleasure's mine."
* "Fluid motion made possible by hundreds of repetitions": While this emphasizes Torey's athleticism, it's a slightly clunky phrase. You could perhaps rephrase it to something like, "All in one fluid motion, a testament to countless practice runs," or simply describe the action and let the fluidity speak for itself.
* "Scornful smile" vs. "rollicking belly laugh": Addo's "scornful smile" immediately before Torey's "rollicking belly laugh" feels a bit contradictory. While Addo might be holding back amusement, "scornful" implies disdain. Perhaps "smug smile," "knowing smile," or "suppressed grin" would better fit the subsequent shared laughter, indicating he's playfully teasing Torey rather than being truly scornful.
Overall Impression:
This is a well-crafted scene that successfully introduces key characters and establishes a compelling problem. The emotional beats land effectively, and the dialogue feels authentic. The ending leaves the reader rooting for Torey and intrigued by how the trio will "make it work." With minor tweaks, this scene will be even stronger.
Do you want to focus on any specific aspect of the scene for further refinement, like dialogue, character development, or pacing?

sindbad


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20
20
Review of A Final Farewell  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Just Jae

This is a poignant and powerful scene, Skrie. The emotion is palpable, and your internal struggle between seeking forgiveness and holding onto resentment is well-crafted. Here's a review with some thoughts on strengths and areas for potential refinement:
Strengths
* Emotional Depth: The raw grief and anger Skrie feels are incredibly vivid. Her internal monologue, the weeping, and her final confrontation with Nic effectively convey her pain and sense of betrayal.
* Character Voice: Skrie's voice is strong and consistent. Her prayers, her interactions with the boy, and her cutting words to Nic all feel authentic to her character.
* Dialogue: The dialogue is natural, especially the boy's innocent questions and Nic's awkward attempts at an apology. The Hin dialect adds a nice touch of authenticity to the world.
* Setting: The description of the empty lot and the previous scavenging effectively establishes the desolate atmosphere and highlights Skrie's emotional state.
* Pacing: The scene builds effectively from Skrie's initial prayer and mourning to the emotional confrontation, culminating in her departure.
* Show, Don't Tell: Instead of telling us Skrie is angry, you show it through her actions and words, especially in the exchange with Nic.
Areas for Refinement
* Initial Exposition: The opening paragraph, while informative, feels a little like exposition rather than the start of a story. Phrases like "The halfling didn't care; she had no use for anything that had been left even though legally, she could have stopped the neighbors from scavenging what remained of her parent's inn" and "She had picked out what keepsakes she'd wanted years before" provide information, but could perhaps be integrated more subtly into Skrie's actions or thoughts as she looks at the empty space. Consider starting with her emotional reaction to the emptiness rather than the practicalities of scavenging.
* "Tymora" Repetition: While her devotion to Tymora is clear, the direct address "Tymora" appears twice quite close together at the beginning. You could vary the phrasing for the second instance, perhaps by having her thoughts reflect her devotion rather than a direct prayer.
* "Small for a Halfling" Detail: The line "She was taller than she. Then again, she was small for a halfling" feels a little abrupt and slightly disrupts the flow of the conversation with the boy. You've already established her small stature indirectly (the boy being taller). You could integrate this detail more smoothly or simply imply it through her interactions.
* Nic's Reaction: Nic's immediate reaction of "How did ya ..." and then the recognition "Ah, the mite tha' survived" is good. However, his subsequent discomfort could be expanded slightly before Skrie cuts him off. A beat or two more of his stammering or looking around nervously would heighten the impact of Skrie's decisive "Don't."
* Skrie's Final Line: "Maybe next time, you won't let your friends burn" is a powerful line, but the preceding thought, "She'd never stood up to anyone like that before. The anger and hurt of being as abandoned as this lot had gotten the better of her," feels a bit like telling. Her actions and the intensity of her dialogue already convey this. You could consider removing that internal thought to allow the power of her words to speak for themselves. The "Forgive me, Tymora," she mutters as she walks away already subtly indicates her feeling about her outburst.
Overall Impression
This is a really strong piece of writing, filled with raw emotion and believable character interactions. The confrontation with Nic is especially well-handled, showcasing Skrie's enduring pain and her defiant spirit. You've done a great job of making the reader feel Skrie's journey, and her final departure carries significant weight.
With a few minor tweaks to smooth out some exposition and tighten the internal thoughts, this scene will shine even brighter. You've created a memorable moment for Skrie's character. Thats a great deed indeed .sindbad


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21
21
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Skurpio

This chapter, "Streets of Gold," immediately immerses the reader in a world of political intrigue and simmering tension. The author does a good job of setting the mood and introducing the key players.
Strengths:
* Atmosphere and Sensory Details: The description of the stone hallway, flickering candles, and stagnant air effectively creates a foreboding and somewhat oppressive atmosphere. The "soft whup, whup sounds" of Gideon's leather soles and the rattling of the lantern add to the sensory experience.
* Character Introduction: We quickly get a sense of Gideon Streets – his professional demeanor mixed with a deeply personal internal conflict. His thoughts about Orianna immediately pique curiosity and add depth to his character. The Baron, Gregory, is also effectively introduced as a character who is both demanding and, ultimately, fearful.
* Dialogue: The dialogue between Gideon and the Baron is sharp and revealing. It clearly establishes their antagonistic relationship and the power struggle between them. Gideon's veiled threats and the Baron's palpable fear are well-portrayed.
* Pacing: The chapter maintains a good pace, starting with Gideon's hurried summons and quickly moving into the tense confrontation with the Baron.
* Intrigue: The "unknown visitor" plot point at the end is a good hook, leaving the reader wanting to know more about this mysterious individual and their significance. The Baron's evasiveness further heightens the mystery.
* Show, Don't Tell: The author generally "shows" rather than "tells." For example, instead of saying Lemuel was scared, we see him "quiver," his lantern "rattling," and "dimples of sweat beading his upper lip." Similarly, Gideon's internal turmoil about Orianna is shown through his thoughts and actions, not just stated.
Areas for Development:
* Internal Monologue - Repetition: While Gideon's internal struggle with his thoughts about Orianna is important, the phrase "He stomped on those thoughts before they could spiral but was not entirely successful...again. He could hear her lilting voice as if she were hanging on his arm" feels a bit repetitive after the initial introduction of his self-chastisement. You could consider varying the phrasing or showing the persistence of these thoughts in a slightly different way.
* Clarity of "Dimples of Sweat": "Dimples of sweat" is an interesting phrase, but "beads of sweat" or "rivulets of sweat" might be more universally understood to convey sweat accumulating on the skin. "Dimples" often implies an indentation, which isn't typically how sweat forms.
* "Fat Prick" vs. "Gregory": Gideon's initial internal thought of "fat prick" is strong and reflects his contempt, but then he immediately thinks "Gregory," which is the Baron's name. This transition is a bit abrupt. While it shows his internal conflict, perhaps a beat or a slightly different phrasing could make the shift smoother. For instance, he could think "the fat prick Gregory" or "that fat prick, Gregory, again."
* Window Description - Minor Redundancy: The description of the windows ("Narrow flat openings sat high in the tall grey stone walls evenly spaced between these light sources. These windows allowed little light even during the day and offered nothing more than a haven for high flying birds and their nests.") is good, but the second sentence largely reiterates the point of the first. You could potentially combine or condense it. For example, "Narrow flat openings sat high in the tall grey stone walls, offering little light even during the day and serving as havens for high-flying birds and their nests."
* "Piled his hands on his desk": The final line about Gregory piling his hands on his desk is a bit awkward. "Resting his hands" or "cupping his hands" might flow more naturally.
Overall Impression:
This is a very strong opening chapter. It sets a compelling stage, introduces intriguing characters with clear motivations, and establishes a palpable sense of conflict. The dialogue is a highlight, effectively revealing character and advancing the plot. With a few minor tweaks to phrasing and flow, this chapter could be even more impactful. The mystery of the "unknown visitor" and the established animosity between Gideon and the Baron leave the reader eager to continue.
What happens next with the "unknown visitor"?

I'm curious to see how Gideon will handle the observation and what secrets this new character brings!

sindbad


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22
22
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Ezekiel Stephens

This is a truly compelling and unsettling story, Derick's journey from contented oblivion to horrifying realization is masterfully crafted. Here's a review breaking down its strengths and a few areas for consideration:
Review of "The Gingerbread Men"
"The Gingerbread Men" is a chilling and thought-provoking dystopian tale that explores themes of enforced happiness, the cost of comfort, and the enduring power of memory. The story effectively builds a world that, on the surface, appears idyllic, only to reveal its dark and gruesome foundations.
Strengths:
* Compelling Protagonist: Derick is a wonderfully complex and relatable character. His initial satisfaction with his isolated, luxurious life, coupled with his quiet discomfort and nagging sense of purpose, immediately draws the reader in. His gradual awakening to the truth, spurred by his unique connection to the outside world, is the emotional core of the story.
* Atmospheric World-Building: The description of the post-Antarctican summer world is vivid and oppressive. The "smog and baked concrete," the "browns and greys everywhere," and the constant heat create a palpable sense of desolation. This stark reality contrasts sharply with the artificial paradise indoors, highlighting the deep irony of their existence.
* Effective Pacing and Tension: The story masterfully builds tension. Derick's small acts of rebellion (cutting his AVC wire, tending his garden) are subtle hints of the underlying unease. Minerva's brief, horrific "memory" spasm is a perfectly timed shock that elevates the narrative from a character study to a mystery. The revelation of the "gingerbread men" is deeply disturbing and incredibly impactful.
* Strong Thematic Exploration: The core conflict between enforced happiness and brutal truth is explored with nuance. The Bureau's utilitarian argument ("How was it wrong if we all agreed it was right?") is a terrifying distillation of a society that has sacrificed morality for comfort. The distinction between Derick's chosen pain of memory and Roger's and Minerva's (pre-awakening) blissful ignorance is powerfully drawn.
* Impactful Imagery: The recurring image of "gingerbread men" is highly effective. It's both childlike and horrifying, perfectly encapsulating the chilling reality of a population culled and then laid out to bake. The contrast of "Nature's gentle caress" with the dust and crumbling bodies is also a strong touch.
* Engaging Dialogue: The conversations, particularly Derick's initial interactions on the AVC, effectively showcase the shallowness of their lives and the superficiality of their "happiness." The final confrontation with the Bureau leader is charged with raw emotion and chilling philosophical debate.
* Satisfying Climax: Derick's ultimate act of violence against the Bureau leader is a cathartic and tragic culmination of his journey. It’s not a triumphant moment, but a desperate and raw expression of his unburdened grief and rage. The ending is both shocking and fitting.
Areas for Consideration (Minor):
* The Bureau's Motivation (Slightly More Detail): While the Bureau leader explains the "overpopulation" and "global warming" rationale, a touch more detail, perhaps in Derick's remembered past, could further solidify the sheer scale of the environmental collapse that led to such extreme measures. This is a very minor point, as the current explanation is sufficient to understand the core premise.
* Minerva's Flashback: The timing of Minerva's "I remember..." moment is perfect, but the swift return to normalcy and Roger's obliviousness stretches credulity just a little. While it serves to highlight the AVC's deception and the pervasive amnesia, a slightly more detailed explanation of how these "glitches" work (or if Minerva actively suppressed it) might add another layer. Again, this is a minor point in an otherwise excellent scene.
Overall:
"The Gingerbread Men" is a powerful and disturbing short story that leaves a lasting impression. Its exploration of uncomfortable truths about humanity's capacity for both cruelty and self-deception is profound. The narrative is well-structured, the characters are compelling, and the world is vividly imagined. It’s a bleak but ultimately moving piece that forces the reader to confront difficult questions about the price of paradise.
What aspects of the story did you find most impactful, or were there any parts that you felt could have been explored more?

Please do let me know...sindbad


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23
23
Review of Return to Suncall  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Just Jae

This is a solid piece of narrative writing! Here's a review covering various aspects:
Overall Impression
The story flows well and maintains a consistent, engaging tone. The dialogue is strong, helping to differentiate characters and move the plot forward. There's a good balance of action, character interaction, and plot development. The world-building feels grounded, and the introduction of new plot threads (the bounty hunter, the wolf messages) keeps the reader interested.
Strengths
* Engaging Dialogue: The conversations feel natural and reveal character personalities effectively. Malusk's unique speech pattern is particularly well-executed and adds a lot of charm. Skrie's wit and Theren's more serious demeanor also come through clearly.
* Clear Pacing: The narrative moves at a good pace. Events unfold logically, and the transitions between scenes are smooth.
* Character Voice: Each character, especially Malusk, Skrie, and the various NPCs (Jorund, Sheriff Varla, Lt. Barnes, Sgt. Stiles, Alton, Filice, Dayne), has a distinct voice, making them memorable.
* Plot Development: The immediate aftermath of the Nemeademore rescue is handled well, and the introduction of the bounty on Malusk's head creates a compelling new conflict. The "wolf messages" also add a layer of mystery.
* Sensory Details: Small details like the "hot breakfast," "hair on Skrie's neck," and the "smirked" sheriff add to the immersion.
* Humor: The banter between the party members, especially Malusk's reactions to disguise ideas and his smugness, provides welcome moments of humor.
* Effective Use of NPCs: The interactions with Lt. Barnes, Sgt. Stiles, and the innkeepers not only advance the plot but also add depth to the world, showing how the party fits into the larger social fabric.
Areas for Minor Improvement (Suggestions, not necessarily "flaws")
* Show, Don't Just Tell Emotions (Minor): While Jorund's emotions are mentioned ("a series of emotions playing out on his face"), a brief description of what those emotions looked like could make the moment more impactful. For example, "Jorund's brow furrowed in thought, then his eyes widened in surprise, before settling into a somber realization."
* Clarify "Wolves Meant Messages": Skrie's thought, "Wolves meant messages. The question was: Who was sending the warning? More importantly, why?" is intriguing. It might be helpful to hint earlier or later at why wolves specifically mean messages in this world, or if it's a specific sign they've encountered before. It’s a good hook, but a tiny bit more context (even a subtle nod to past experience) could make it even stronger.
* Description of the Merchants' Wagon: "They had not seen a merchant's wagon here even when they were in Suncall nearly two weeks ago." This is a good detail, but perhaps a very brief description of the wagon itself (e.g., "a large, covered merchant's wagon," "a dust-caked merchant's wagon") could make its appearance more vivid.
* Gosten's Presence: The introduction of Gosten at the inn is a subtle red flag. You could perhaps emphasize his "watching them" even more to heighten the tension or make it a stronger foreshadowing moment for future conflict.
Conclusion
This is a well-crafted narrative segment. It successfully concludes the immediate aftermath of the previous adventure while introducing compelling new challenges and mysteries for the party. The characters are distinct and enjoyable, and the dialogue is a standout feature. Keep up the great work!

sindbad


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24
24
Review of Letter From Somme  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi
ikiyasama

I have been a fan, of your writing and the unique perspective I get and feel the words. This letter is a powerful and poignant glimpse into the horrors of war. It's clear, effective, and deeply moving. Here's a review:
Overall Impression
This letter is incredibly effective in conveying the brutal reality of a soldier's life during wartime. The tone is somber, reflective, and deeply personal, making the reader truly feel the weight of the protagonist's experiences. The inclusion of specific details from the Battle of the Somme grounds the narrative in a historical context, adding a layer of authenticity and gravity.
Strengths
* Vivid Imagery: The letter paints a stark picture of the battlefield. Phrases like "grimy and caked with mud and blood," "stench of gunpowder and smoke," and "mowed down like rag dolls across no-man’s land" create a powerful and disturbing visual landscape.
* Emotional Depth: The raw honesty of the soldier's struggles—his trembling hands, coughing blood, and the lingering screams of his comrades—evokes strong empathy. The contrast between the horrific reality and his yearning for his love, Meg, is particularly touching.
* Authentic Voice: The language feels appropriate for the era and the character. It's direct, heartfelt, and without unnecessary embellishment, reinforcing the soldier's weary but resilient spirit.
* Pacing and Structure: The letter flows well, moving from personal suffering to battlefield accounts and then to a desperate hope for the future. The promise to Meg at the end provides a poignant closing note.
* Historical Accuracy: Integrating details from the Battle of the Somme, such as the village of Serre, Quadrilateral Redoubt, and the hope for American involvement, lends significant credibility and impact to the letter.
Minor Suggestions for Polish
* "Long are my days and nights": While grammatically correct, this phrasing feels a little formal for an intimate letter. Consider something slightly more direct, such as "My days and nights stretch long" or "These days and nights are endless."
* "Harsh portrayal of my reality": This phrase is a bit telling rather than showing. The grim details that follow already convey the harshness effectively. You could consider rephrasing or omitting it to let the imagery speak for itself.
* "Measly attempts to seize the mine were futile": "Measly attempts" feels slightly less impactful than the rest of the vivid descriptions. Perhaps "Our desperate attempts" or "Our ill-fated attempts" could maintain the intensity.
* "Only thought of their girls back home as I do of you everyday": This is a small point, but "every day" (two words) is typically used as an adverb, while "everyday" (one word) is an adjective. In this context, it's an adverb.
Conclusion
This is an excellent piece of writing that effectively conveys the brutal reality of war and the enduring power of love and hope. It's a testament to the soldier's resilience and a moving tribute to those who fought. Overall it did leave a deep impression. I will pursue other works that has such deep impact...sindbad


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25
25
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Tim Chiu

Like all your poem, this one is hard hitting as well.This poem, "A Day to Remember - Our Military Heroes," is a heartfelt tribute to the sacrifices of military personnel. Here's a review:
Strengths:
* Sincere Emotion: The poem clearly conveys a deep sense of gratitude and respect for fallen heroes. The language is often reverent and somber, appropriate for the subject matter.
* Strong Imagery: Phrases like "surreal and unfolding grit," "prodigious and horrifying encounters," and "spectacular sacrifice" evoke powerful images.
* Patriotic Tone: The poem effectively celebrates American ideals of freedom, democracy, and peace, linking them to the military's efforts.
* Focus on Sacrifice: The central theme of sacrifice is consistently reinforced throughout the poem, emphasizing the ultimate cost paid by service members.
* Remembrance: It serves its purpose as a piece of remembrance, urging readers to recall the contributions of these individuals.
Areas for Consideration/Suggestions:
* Word Choice/Clarity: While some word choices are strong, others occasionally feel a bit abstract or overly formal, potentially hindering immediate comprehension. For example:
* "Intrepid virtues, strident bravery, / And stellar determination" is a good opening, but "strident" can sometimes imply harshness, which might not be the intended nuance here.
* "Surreal and unfolding grit" is interesting, but "unfolding grit" is a slightly unusual pairing.
* "In the innate and awesome purview / Of furtherance and hope" is quite abstract. What specific "furtherance and hope" is being referred to?
* "Dolorously gruesome holiday" is a strong phrase, but "wickedly sad" alongside it might be redundant or slightly less impactful.
* Flow and Rhythm: The poem has a somewhat free verse structure, but at times the line breaks and stanza divisions feel a little arbitrary, disrupting the flow. Consider reading it aloud to identify areas where the rhythm might be smoother.
* Repetition: While reinforcing themes is good, some ideas or phrases are repeated in slightly different ways without significantly adding new meaning. For instance, the concept of sacrifice and heroism is reiterated multiple times.
* Specificity vs. Abstraction: The poem excels at conveying broad patriotic sentiments. However, incorporating a few more concrete details or perhaps a brief, evocative anecdote (even a fictionalized one) could ground the emotions and make the heroes feel even more tangible.
* Punctuation: Consistent punctuation could help guide the reader's interpretation and enhance clarity.
Overall Impression:
This is a moving and earnest poem that honors military heroes. It effectively communicates a profound sense of gratitude and solemn respect. With some refinement in word choice, a focus on consistent flow, and perhaps a touch more concrete imagery, it could become even more impactful and resonant. The core message of remembrance and appreciation is strong and clear. Great job indeed...sindbad


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