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1
1
for entry "Phrygian" Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi
Amethyst SkellyBones Angel

As per your request and the parameters to be explored this is my review of your 12-line poem, "Phrygian," focusing on its overall impression, thematic strength, and literary technique and not the least the impression it have.
Detailed Review: "Phrygian"
Your poem, "Phrygian," is a powerful, densely packed piece that immediately establishes an atmosphere of rebellion, desperation, and transformation. It successfully uses vivid imagery to convey a narrative of escape and the forging of an unexpected alliance against a hostile world.
Overall Impression and Reaction
The poem is striking and leaves the reader with a strong sense of dark energy and grim determination. The immediate reaction is one of curiosity and engagement—the poem hints at a larger story involving prisoners or refugees, political turmoil (symbolized by the Phrygian cap), and a brutal journey into the wilderness. The connection to the Imagine Dragons lyric effectively sets a tone of survival and unwavering commitment, which the poem then develops into a specific, character-driven scenario.
Key Strengths and Analysis
* Imagery and Sensory Detail: The poem is rich with sensory language. Phrases like "freedom's copper flavor" and "Coal smoke shadows, glowing eyes" are highly effective, giving a metallic, tangible sense to the concept of liberty and the danger of the environment. The contrast between the initial "Locked, barred, teardrop showers, dingy gray walls" and the subsequent "swamps, thickets, swinging vines" immediately establishes the high-stakes change in setting.
* Thematic Core (Incongruity and Alliance): The heart of the poem lies in the lines: "Dual forces tearing, uprooting, meeting at crossroads: / Exchange mutual respect, each shouldering other's unfitness." This explores a profound theme of necessary partnership where two disparate entities must rely on each other for survival. The term "Incongruity collides" perfectly captures the jarring yet fated nature of this meeting.
* Symbolism of "Phrygian": The title and the opening line, "Red hoods, Phrygian caps," are historically loaded symbols of freedom and revolutionary struggle (the Phrygian cap was worn by freed Roman slaves and became an emblem of the French Revolution). This grounds the escape narrative in a political or ideological context, making the personal journey part of a larger fight for liberty.
* Pacing and Conclusion: The final lines provide a dynamic, active conclusion: "Wolf darts past, girl presses onward, / Each fate transposed against a world neither wanted." This gives the poem a cinematic quality, leaving the reader with a clear image of two figures—one wild, one human—united by shared adversity.
Tips for Improvement
* Punctuation and Flow: Due to the dense, fragmented nature of the lines, occasionally the meaning feels slightly obscured. The lack of standard punctuation (commas, periods) in a few places can force the reader to pause awkwardly.
* Example: The line "Momentary lapse of judgment becomes stone heartbeat" is powerful, but placing it immediately after the lines about mutual respect creates a sudden shift that might benefit from clearer separation (perhaps a dash or a colon) if it's meant to describe a major, decisive event.
* Word Choice Consistency: The language is mostly strong and active, but the phrase "teardrop showers" is a slight deviation from the hard, sensory language of the surrounding lines ("coal smoke," "copper flavor," "dingy gray walls"). Replacing this with a more visceral image of grief or misery might tighten the poem's gritty feel.
* Suggestion: Consider something like "Locked, barred, silent cries, dingy gray walls."
Final Assessment
"Phrygian" is a highly successful thematic poem. It expertly uses concentrated imagery and symbolism to tell a story of escape, revolutionary spirit, and the desperate, defining bond forged in the crucible of a hostile world. The use of the Imagine Dragons quote provides an excellent launchpad, which the subsequent lines expand upon with impressive originality. It is a memorable and evocative piece. These are my personal observation so please overlook my mistakes..sindbad


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2
2
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
The Phantom

Detailed Review: "Natasha & Naomi: The Slumber Party"
This story is a fun, lighthearted take on the classic "unruly pet/friend meets skeptical acquaintances" trope, layered with a unique supernatural element. It successfully balances the awkwardness of human social dynamics with the chaos of living with an easily bored, sentient blue slime creature.
Overall Impression
The story is a fast-paced, entertaining slice-of-life comedy centered on Naomi's stressful attempt to keep her bizarre living situation a secret from her childhood friends, Ruth and Taylor. The tone is consistently cheerful and casual, fitting the "Rated: 13+" designation. The conflict is primarily humorous and internal (Naomi's anxiety), though it has moments of physical comedy provided by Natasha. The entry is successful as a standalone piece about a difficult slumber party.
Key Strengths
* Character Dynamic (The Friends): The introduction of Ruth and Taylor is excellent. Ruth is the bubbly, supportive one (the "slapper" and "tease"), while Taylor is the blunt, cynical, but loyal friend (the "guilt-tripper"). This familiar, contrasting dynamic immediately makes their banter and interactions feel natural and funny, especially when they tease Naomi about her diner uniform and figure.
* The Natasha Problem: Natasha, the slimy blue entity, is the engine of the plot. Her characterization as an innocent but impulsive and destructive "pet" is consistently amusing. Her obsession with food and her childlike excitement ("Can I meet them?" / "Well, how else am I supposed to know what they taste like?") create high stakes comedy.
* Suspense and Humor: The sequence where Naomi tries to keep Natasha confined is full of great tension and payoff:
* Naomi's over-the-top excuse for the bedroom being "private! F-For my eyes only!" is an immediate highlight.
* Natasha secretly escaping to steal popcorn and leaving "blue stuff" on Taylor is a perfect beat of discovery that is immediately deflected by Taylor's surprising reaction ("tastes like blue raspberry").
* Resolution and Theme: The ending reaffirms the deep bond between Naomi and Natasha. Naomi's apology and declaration, "you’re the best thing that happened to me here," resolves the internal conflict, showing that she truly values Natasha over the need to conform or hide. This reinforces the "Friendship" theme listed in the tags.
Areas for Improvement
* Dialogue Clarity/Flow: While the dialogue is strong for characterization, there are a few moments where it feels slightly unnatural or rushed:
* The transition from the group hug to Ruth's sudden hesitation: "Um… actually… We’re still moving in... We’re having trouble figuring out what goes where." The abrupt shift to the apartment excuse feels a little thin, even for a quick excuse. Since they live in the same building, perhaps a quick line about the noise of moving would be more convincing.
* The dialogue when Natasha is put in the room: "Don’t worry, I’ll leave some food and water in there for you! Just, please…” Naomi begged. “Stay in the bedroom until tomorrow morning and I’ll do whatever you want!”... “All day?”... “Yes, all day! Whatever you want! All day!” The repetition of "all day" feels like an unnecessary pause in the momentum.
* The Midnight Scene (The Vore Element): The description of Natasha temporarily engulfing the friends needs a clearer sense of consequence. The girls only wake up to find themselves covered in "slime" with no memory of the event and no panic (Ruth just says "Eww!"). Given Natasha's earlier comment about eating them alive, this scene feels like a potential moment of horror/suspense that is immediately neutralized.
* Tip: If the goal is comedy, lean into the strangeness: perhaps Taylor finds the "blue stuff" particularly delicious after the engulfment. If the goal is a minor thrill, give the girls a sense of dread or confusion, a lingering feeling that something strange happened, before moving on to breakfast.
Final Verdict and Tips
"Natasha & Naomi: The Slumber Party" is a fun, quirky entry that fully exploits the comedic potential of its unique premise. Naomi's anxiety is relatable, and the friends' banter is highly entertaining.
Tips for Improvement:
* Refine Natasha's Confinement: When Natasha is eating the food stockpile, perhaps have her struggle more with the 5-gallon drum of water. This adds a physical obstacle and makes her eventual escape (and eating the bottle) more of a triumph.
* Punch Up the Morning After: Make the reaction to the slime more specific. Does Ruth realize it smells like blue raspberry, too? Does Taylor get a strange energy from it? This would be a great way to subtly hint at Natasha’s actions without breaking the "secret."
* Strengthen Naomi’s Apology: The final scene is emotionally satisfying. Emphasize the slimy hug more—Naomi trying to "return the hug" while being covered in slime is a sweet, physical representation of accepting Natasha for who she is...sindbad.


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3
3
Review of Natasha & Naomi  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
The Phantom

This was a delightful read! "Natasha & Naomi" takes a very unique fantasy premise and grounds it in a relatable slice-of-life setting, making the bizarre occurrences charming and fun rather than scary. The story works well because of the strong contrast and growing bond between the two main characters.
Overall Impression and Concept
The story is a success because it commits completely to its unique concept: a shy college student adopts an affectionate, growing slime creature with an insatiable appetite. The way you handle the size-change and the central dynamic of consumption (Naomi being eaten) is consistently lighthearted and non-threatening, turning what could be a scary scenario into a source of comfort and humor.
The premise is fresh, and the pacing keeps the reader curious about how Natasha will grow next and what boundaries Naomi will attempt to enforce.
Strengths of the Story
Character Dynamics and Contrast
The relationship between Naomi and Natasha is the heart of the story, and the contrast between them is wonderful:
* Naomi the Nurturer: Naomi’s initial reaction to the blue slime girl is fear, but this quickly shifts to compassion and protectiveness. She is the responsible one—studying hard, cooking, and attempting to set rules—which makes her role as Natasha's new "water bed" incredibly endearing.
* Natasha the Impulse: Natasha is driven entirely by simple, childlike desires: to be big, to be with Naomi, and to eat. Her innocence makes her actions (like eating the notes and the entire fridge inventory) funny rather than malicious. Her simple joy—"You tasted... incredible!"—is a great moment of naive body horror.
Effective Use of the Fantasy Trope
You established a very clear, comforting set of rules for the consumption trope:
* Consensual and Safe: The key reveal that Natasha "can't digest living material" is essential for establishing the low-stakes, high-comfort tone. This immediately eases the tension for the reader (and for Naomi) and allows the relationship to evolve into a fun, regular routine by the epilogue.
* Visual Growth: You effectively tied Natasha's growth directly to consumption. Her progression from a half-height girl to Naomi's size, and the corresponding acquisition of "curves" and "breasts," is a visually appealing manifestation of her success in life.
Engaging Dialogue and Humor
The dialogue is direct and often very funny, especially when Natasha is complaining:
* "But I haaaaaaate waiting!"
* "I get hungry waiting for you to get home!"
* Naomi's internal musing, "The things I do to make her happy…" perfectly encapsulates the resigned acceptance of her new life.
Suggestions for Development
1. Deepening Naomi’s Emotional Reaction
While Naomi’s eventual acceptance is necessary for the plot, her initial fear and disgust could be explored a little more deeply before she gives in.
* When Naomi is first engulfed, her internal reaction is "screaming her head off" and "scared." After Natasha explains that she's safe, Naomi immediately switches to liking it ("kinda liked floating inside the slime girl"). Consider extending her initial resistance and disgust with the slime (the texture, the smell, the sliminess) to make her eventual comfort feel more earned.
2. Pacing the Acceptance
In Part 3, Naomi's forgiveness happens very quickly. Natasha has:
* Eaten all her food (a whole week's worth).
* Eaten the irreplaceable final copy of her essay.
* Completely engulfed her.
Naomi's only reaction is a frustrated sigh and a quick hug ("I can’t stay mad at you..."). If you added a beat where Naomi is momentarily genuinely furious (perhaps sitting outside, hosing the slime off herself, and contemplating what to do with Natasha) before her softer nature takes over, it would give more weight to the chaos that Natasha creates.
3. Teasing Natasha's Origin
The line, "I came out of a tube that was on the road..." is a fascinating detail that is dropped immediately. For a fantasy story, exploring the origin of the slime (was it a science experiment? an accident? an alien life form?) could give the plot an interesting future trajectory beyond just the size-change theme.
Overall, this is a fun, well-written piece that nails the unique atmosphere it's striving for! The Epilogue leaves the reader with a clear picture of a happy, unusual domestic partnership.
Would you like to explore any of these elements, perhaps focusing on how Naomi managed to rewrite her essay so quickly, or what might have been in that "tube"?

sindbad


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4
4
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi
smitch

I really enjoyed reading "The Other Mitchell, Part 2." I have also read and reviewed the part one and part 2 did an excellent sequel and to say the least you have done an excellent job of ramping up the mystery and paranoia immediately after the previous installment's cliffhanger. This chapter is a very strong transition piece, successfully setting the main character on a clear path with high stakes.
​Overall Impression and Strengths
​The primary strength of this chapter is its urgent pacing and the chilling development of the central conspiracy. The whole segment moves quickly—from dealing with the unconscious Ryan Schuler, to the rushed suit-swap, to the tense waiting period—all of which keeps the reader anxious.
​The chapter solidifies the rules of the "suits" in a compelling way:
​They are incredibly realistic, feeling "so real."
​They take over the personality of the person they are replicating, which explains the new "Mitchell's" strange behavior and the effortless replication of Gordon's mannerisms.
​They cause a period of amnesia in the real wearer ("I've got no memories of even wearing one").
​These details turn the disguise from a simple plot device into a deep, psychological threat.
​Plot Progression and Tension
​The Identity Reveal: Using Ryan Schuler, a minor character ("one of the basketball players"), as the person inside the Mitchell suit is brilliant. It immediately expands the conspiracy beyond Mitchell and Gordon and makes the whole operation seem more organized and random.
​The Sigil/Inscription: The discovery of the circular tattoo or inscription on the inside of the suit's forehead is a pivotal moment. This introduces a potential sci-fi/magical element (a "sigil") that suggests these suits are more than just advanced rubber masks. This is the first tangible clue about the source of the operation.
​The Fake's Awakening: The moment Fake-Gordon (Schuler in the suit) jerks awake and mimics the real Gordon’s temper and dialogue is chilling. It confirms how perfect the personality transfer is and dramatically raises the stakes.
​The New Objective: The text message about the "meeting at the usual place" provides a crucial and immediate narrative hook for Part 3. The protagonist now has a destination and a clear, high-risk plan: infiltrate the meeting.
​Character Dynamics and Dialogue
​The chapter excels at highlighting the deepening tension between Sean (as Mitchell) and Danny (Russo).
​Sean's Paranoia: Sean’s growing fear and frustration culminate in the impulsive, aggressive action of slamming Danny to the floor to check for the neck bump. This is a very effective way to show his frayed nerves and the breakdown of their friendship due to the threat.
​Danny's Ambiguity: Danny's actions are highly suspicious: he stutters, avoids eye contact with Sean, and most notably, shakes his head at the newly activated Fake-Gordon. This strongly implies he is either in on the conspiracy or knows much more than he is letting on. The presence of his brother's black balaclava is a masterful piece of subtle foreshadowing, further linking Danny (or his family) to the mysterious group.
​The dialogue between Fake-Gordon and Sean is also well-handled, particularly the subtle exchange about the meeting venue ("Usual place, I guess?" / "Yeah, usual place,") which forces Sean to admit he is completely out of the loop.
​Suggestions for Improvement
​If you're looking to enhance the chapter before moving to the next part, I have two main suggestions for expanding on existing great ideas:
​Slowing Down the Trust Rebuild: After Sean tackles Danny, the resolution is a little too quick ("You fucking idiot, you only had to ask"). Given that Danny also shook his head at Fake-Gordon and is now caught with a black balaclava, Sean's deep distrust should linger. Consider having Sean keep the balaclava or press Danny harder about his brother's activities, sustaining the paranoia that is currently the story's main engine.
​Expanding the Sigil Detail: Since the inscription is the first physical evidence of the conspiracy's nature, spending a sentence or two more on what the "other language" looks like would add flavor and mystery. Is it alien? Ancient? Does it look like circuitry? For example:
​Instead of: "Words in some other language wound around the top."
​Try: "The script above the name wasn't Latin; it looked like glowing, interwoven circuitry or runes from an ancient, forgotten tongue."
​Overall, this is a very strong middle chapter that successfully complicates the mystery and sets the stage for a compelling next scene. You've earned the high-stakes meeting!

sindbad.


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5
5
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
VMac

This story, "Slearch and Scourge and the Enterprise," is a very creative and darkly effective take on Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol, transplanting the classic morality tale into the gritty, desperate world of drug dealing and addiction. It is a powerful piece of writing that succeeds in establishing a unique, compelling atmosphere.
Overall Impression
This is a strong and unique supernatural horror/morality story. The narrative voice is highly engaging, characterized by a dark, cynical humor that perfectly matches the characters' world. The constant repetition and insistence that "Slearch was, in fact, dead" brilliantly builds tension, making the supernatural reveal of his ghost even more shocking. The concept of "shadow souls"—addicts chained to their dealer—is a terrifying and profound fantasy element that provides a powerful metaphor for addiction, co-dependence, and spiritual ruin.
What Works Well
The Narrative Voice and Tone
The immediate, direct address to the reader ("So to begin, the reader must know and fully comprehend...") establishes an almost conspiratorial relationship with the narrator. The voice is cynical, using sharp, dark humor (like Scourge's rationalization for robbing Slearch's corpse: "so that Slearch’s character could not be besmirched by the contents of his pockets"). This tone grounds the story in its sordid reality, making the eventual supernatural elements stand out in stark contrast.
The Reinvention of the Ghost
The introduction of Slearch's ghost is highly original and effective:
* Tech/Supernatural Blend: The sequence of the phone going dead, the unanswerable texts, and the battery-less phone ringing is a masterful use of modern technology to evoke traditional horror. It's truly terrifying because it defies simple explanation.
* The Chains: Slearch's chains are not just metaphorical weight; they are literal links to his customers, the "shadow souls" who eternally whisper, "More, more!" This is a brilliant and impactful interpretation of the ghost's torment, directly tying Slearch's business practices (dealing) to his spiritual damnation.
* The Message: Slearch's goal is not revenge but an urgent, pitiless warning. This maintains the Christmas Carol structure while adapting it to a story about selling addiction rather than financial avarice.
Characterization of Scourge
Scourge is a great anti-hero. He is rational, pragmatic, and utterly self-absorbed. His "compartmentalization" (two residences, varying his route) shows he understands the danger of his world. His first reaction to the ghost is to blame the drugs, and his response to the intervention is to complain that his dope was spilled. This stubborn, transactional focus makes his fear palpable and his conversion (if it comes) all the more earned.
Tips for Improvement
Refining Descriptive Imagery
While the concept of the shadow souls is fantastic, the physical description of them could be slightly expanded to maximize the horror.
* Suggestion: When describing the souls tied to Slearch, give a stronger sensory detail.
* Example: "Tied to Slearch by so many chains were gray figures who had their mouths always opened, yet managed to whisper, 'More, more!' repeatedly..." could be enhanced by: "Tied to Slearch by so many chains were husk-like, gray figures, their mouths perpetually gaping in silent agony, yet managing to whisper, 'More, more!'—a sound like dry paper scraping stone."
Punctuation and Flow
The dialogue and internal thoughts are excellent, but several comma splices and run-on sentences slightly disrupt the flow.
* Example: "The direct route led him past a school and a few churches and was, in truth, only a mile. But he could not go that way." This works, but could be two distinct thoughts.
* Example: "I may have imagined these things. I likely did imagine these things. I am high after all. Yes, yes, that’s it! Why there is more of dope than dopey, old Slearch about you." The punctuation here is a bit dense. It could be smoothed out for easier reading.
Resolving the "Doornail" Analogy
The narrator spends time musing about what makes a person "dead as a doornail" and why Slearch fits, concluding it might be because he was simply "replaced." This is a compelling moment of reflection.
* Suggestion: Bring this analogy back into the final confrontation for a satisfying structural arc. When Slearch's ghost is leaving, Scourge could shout: "You're right, Slearch! You were a doornail! And now you’re a shackled doornail!" This connects the initial abstract thought to the horrific reality of the ghostly chains.
This is a clever and highly engaging story. You have taken a well-known structure and made it feel fresh, terrifying, and relevant to a modern, harsh reality. The final image of the street filled with thousands of chained spirits whispering "More! More!" is a chilling cliffhanger.Ivwill go through more such stories that you have in your portfolio. Such a talented story is not easy to be available, wish you all the best and let creativity flow..sindbad


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6
6
Review of Kinkaid's Heir  Open in new Window.
for entry "Chapter Five:" Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Kitt

This chapter, "Chapter Five: Kinkaid's Heir," is highly successful in escalating the main romantic conflict. It’s an essential bridge chapter that moves past the initial intense attraction and introduces the crucial external barriers that will keep Sarah and Dean apart, even as their attraction deepens. The use of dual perspectives to show their conflicting intentions is particularly effective.
Overall Impression
Chapter Five solidifies the central romantic and psychological conflict. The plot mechanism of Dean's deliberate, yet disguised, pursuit creates the "accidental" meetings that fuel Sarah's anxiety and attraction. By revealing Dean’s reputation and social status through Amy’s gossip, the author immediately establishes why Sarah, who seeks control and anonymity, views him as a "dangerous" choice. The internal monologue is sharp, highlighting Sarah’s hypocrisy regarding her "therapeutic" motives, which adds depth and humor to her struggle.
What Works Well
Dean’s Strategic Pursuit
Dean's conversation with Allen is excellent for defining his character and his intentions.
* Motivation: Dean’s statement, "I think it's because she's different. She's, I don't know, something more," successfully elevates his pursuit beyond simple physical desire. He’s intrigued by her uniqueness and her lack of response, making him a more compelling romantic lead than a mere womanizer.
* The Plan: His decision to "actively persue her in a way he had never done in the past" via "accidental" meetings is a classic and effective romantic device. It justifies the rapid, near-daily encounters that follow and provides immediate external conflict.
* Allen's Role: Allen acts as Dean's wise, cautious conscience, raising valid red flags ("she seems a might skittish"). This adds necessary tension and foreshadows future difficulties.
The Conflicting Information
The chapter expertly uses information asymmetry to drive the conflict:
* Dean's View: He sees Sarah as uniquely compelling and is trying to woo her slowly.
* Sarah's View: She sees Dean as the "Kinkaid heir and a well known womanizer" who views her as "just another good time girl."
This misunderstanding—the reality of Dean vs. his reputation—is a powerful source of external conflict that will demand resolution.
Sarah's Psychological Struggle
Sarah’s internal debate about using Dean for a "therapeutic" sexual encounter is a moment of fantastic character work.
* Hypocrisy and Humor: Her internal argument—"Yeah, so I had thought about using him for sex myself but that was purely for therapeutic reasons. It's completely different!"—is honest, relatable, and slightly humorous, making her vulnerability feel more authentic.
* The Barrier: Her ultimate decision not to pursue him—because he is a "local fixture" and "practically a damn celebrity"—is a perfect reflection of her need for security and control, driven by her secret identity. She needs a disposable relationship, and the Kinkaid heir is anything but. This elevates the stakes of their intimacy.
Tips for Improvement
Pacing and Summary
The transition from Dean's plan to its execution feels abrupt and relies heavily on summarizing the passage of time ("For the next few weeks Sarah could scarcely go anywhere without running into Dean").
* Suggestion: Instead of summarizing the "next few weeks," you could show one or two more specific, short scenes of their "accidental" meetings (e.g., at the pharmacy, at a local diner). This would let the reader experience Sarah's growing annoyance and Dean's calculated charm, making the frustration she feels in the kitchen feel earned and immediate.
Grammar and Style Polish
The chapter contains several small mechanical and phrasing issues that interrupt the flow of the strong narrative:
* Contractions and Possessives: In dialogue, phrases like "promisin' smile" are fine, but in the narrative, "anything more than friendship' attitude" needs correcting.
* Word Choice: "Hippocracy" should be hypocrisy. "Disabuse her of this idea" is the correct phrase, but in Chapter Five, "set against getting involved with anyone" would be better phrased as "set against getting involved" or "adamantly against getting involved."
* Run-On Sentences: The run-on sentence describing Dean's face: "Dean blinked in surprise his features shifting quickly from annoyed to confused." should be separated: "Dean blinked in surprise; his features shifted quickly from annoyed to confused."
A thorough proofread to tighten these mechanical errors would greatly enhance the polished feel of the writing.
The Fantasy Element
To maintain the promise of the title, you may need to subtly link Sarah's feelings or her past trauma to the Kinkaid name.
* Suggestion: When Sarah is frustrated and accidentally breaks the carton of eggs, her feeling of undue force could be a subtle sign of an inherited or repressed strength. She might briefly think, “I put too much force into that. It wasn't just anger, it was a surge. Where did that come from?" This would begin to connect her volatile emotions to a potential fantasy power, rather than just being a result of stress.
Overall, Chapter Five is highly successful in building the core romantic conflict. You have two strong characters with opposing intentions, and the barriers separating them are now clearly defined, setting up a compelling narrative for the next chapter...sindbad


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
7
7
Review of Kinkaid's Heir  Open in new Window.
for entry "Chapter Four:" Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Kitt

This chapter, "Chapter Four: Kinkaid's Heir," takes a sharp narrative turn, pivoting away from Sarah's internal world to solidify the external conflict and reveal key details about Dean's identity and life. It excels at establishing the Dynasty/Heir conflict central to the story's title and adds immediate pressure to Dean's burgeoning interest in Sarah.
Overall Impression
This is an effective setup chapter that provides necessary background on Dean and the Kinkaid family. The dialogue between Dean and his mother, Victoria Kinkaid, is sharp, immediately defining the stakes: the Kinkaid name is a business, and Dean's life choices are corporate decisions. This chapter brilliantly confirms that Dean is the Kinkaid Heir and sets his immediate goal to "settle down" just after his intense meeting with Sarah, creating perfect dramatic irony and a powerful "forbidden love" element.
What Works Well
Victoria Kinkaid and World-Building
Victoria is an instantly memorable, formidable character. Her "commanding tone" and ability to read her son make her a fantastic matriarch. She doesn't just nag; she lays out the cold, hard economic reality of the Kinkaid ranch—it's the town's backbone. This effectively raises the stakes of Dean's personal life, making his romantic choices a civic matter. This conversation is crucial as it:
* Confirms Dean’s Identity: He is Dean Kinkaid, the heir.
* Explains Dean’s Secrecy: He likely hides his identity to avoid the women who "went after him for his family position and money," as alluded to in Chapter Three.
* Introduces the "Lydia Situation": This hints at a messy past, reinforcing Dean's need for control and caution with new relationships.
The Dramatic Irony
The chapter’s strength lies in its timing. Dean is interrupted by his mother's demand that he "settle down, get married," right after meeting the one woman who has made him feel uncontrollable passion. Victoria is actively planning his marriage while Dean is actively focused on finding out more about Sarah. This gap between their plans promises high-stakes conflict.
Dean's Character Depth
Dean is not a simple rebel. He acknowledges his mother is "right," showing his responsibility and respect for his family duty. His frustration is rooted in his desire for a quick shower to pursue Sarah, not a refusal of his role. This makes him a sympathetic hero facing a genuine internal conflict: duty versus immediate, unexpected desire.
Tips for Improvement
Consistency and Clarity in the Conflict
The chapter brings up the "mess with that... woman" that Victoria is "so disappointed" in. While this is clearly about Lydia, the initial phrasing could be temporarily confusing for the reader, as Dean has just been with Sarah.
* Suggestion: Make the subject of the scolding immediately clear. Victoria could start with, "It seems the situation with Lydia is just increasing in severity," or "The way you handled that breakup is the talk of the town." This prevents the reader from momentarily confusing Lydia with Sarah.
Enhancing Dialogue and Narrative Flow
The exchange is dialogue-heavy, which is good for revealing information quickly, but it could use more variety in sentence structure and pacing.
* "I know mom. You are right okay. You're right." This repetition is believable but slows the pace slightly.
* Suggestion: Use action tags to break up the dialogue and emphasize the unspoken emotional exchange. Instead of repeating "Dean, I know," try: "Dean." This time she was gentle in her interruption, her hand squeezing his shoulder once more. "I know you know, but I need you to behave like you do."
Addressing the Genre Tone (Fantasy Integration)
As with previous chapters, this reads purely as a contemporary Western romance/family drama. Given the title and the expectation of a fantasy element:
* Suggestion: If the Kinkaids have a fantasy aspect, Victoria's motivations should reflect it. Is the need to marry the "right girl" about social standing, or is it about maintaining a bloodline or securing a magical alliance? If it's the latter, Victoria might drop a subtle, cryptic hint:
* Revised Line: "You need to marry the right girl. A strong foundation is needed for the generations to come, Dean. We can't afford any more accidents." This adds a sinister, non-economic layer to her worry.
Proofreading and Mechanics
A few mechanical errors affect the reading flow:
* Victoria Kinkaid is sometimes spelled Kincaid.
* Interuption should be interruption.
* Dessert is spelled desert (referring to the food).
A final polish to ensure consistency in names and spelling will significantly elevate the professionalism of this strong chapter. The core relationship and conflict you’ve established are excellent...sindbad


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8
8
Review of Kinkaid's Heir  Open in new Window.
for entry "Chapter Three:" Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Kitt

This chapter, "Chapter Three: Kinkaid's Heir," is a powerful entry that successfully transitions the narrative focus from establishing Sarah's professional life to igniting a major romantic and psychological conflict. The chapter is characterized by intense, immediate sexual tension and a significant advancement of Sarah's internal struggle with her trauma and emotional barriers.
Here is a detailed review of the chapter, with tips for potential improvement.
Overall Impression
This chapter is highly engaging and executes the "fated meeting" trope with skill. It’s an excellent piece of romantic drama. The author uses the physical setting of the ranch and the physical activity of riding to create an environment where Sarah’s control is rapidly stripped away. The introduction of Dean is a masterful stroke; he is instantly magnetic and serves as a powerful catalyst, forcing Sarah to confront her emotional and sexual repression. The internal monologue from both Sarah and Dean effectively builds tension and introduces a secondary layer of mystery regarding Dean's true identity.
What Works Well
Immediate, High-Stakes Conflict
The chapter opens and closes with Sarah battling her nerves and trauma, creating an emotional arc for the scene. The moment she links her fear of riding to her father's promise and the "incident" is deeply moving and provides clear motivation for her anxiety.
The Introduction of Dean
Dean is an immediate and effective romantic lead. The description of him is highly sensual, focusing on his strength and rugged handsomeness. The author brilliantly uses Sarah's internal perspective—her thoughts of him being the "sexiest, most ruggedly handsome man" and her immediate, visceral physical response—to shatter her previous reserve ("She had never experienced real sexual attraction"). This is a huge payoff to the character setup in Chapter Two.
Building Sexual Tension
The chapter excels at demonstrating, not just stating, the attraction.
* The Look: The long moment of mutual staring creates an electrifying atmosphere.
* The Touch: The scene where Dean lifts her onto the horse is fantastic. The accidental closeness, his "unconsciously possessive response," and her "alarm at the feelings that raged through her body" perfectly capture a collision of desire and deep-seated fear. The tension is palpable and drives the latter half of the chapter.
* Mutual Awareness: Allowing Dean a viewpoint section (the change in perspective) is smart, as it confirms the attraction is mutual, raising the stakes and making their interaction feel "fated."
The Dean Mystery
Dean’s decision to hide his identity as a Kinkaid (implied by the setting and the title "Kinkaid's Heir") is a great twist. It’s a deliberate misdirection that separates him from the manipulative people he dislikes and creates an intriguing layer of dramatic irony. The reader knows Sarah’s question about him being a "transitory worker" is based on a false premise, which will make the reveal of his true identity even more impactful.
Tips for Improvement
Controlling Descriptive Repetition
While the sexual tension is a strength, the descriptions of the physical attraction become slightly repetitive, particularly the focus on Sarah’s eyes, Dean’s eyes, and her "china doll" or "angelic doll" face.
* Suggestion: Vary the language used to describe Sarah's features. Instead of frequently repeating "wide teal eyes" or "doll-like face," focus on her expressions (confusion, longing, fear) or other parts of her body that respond to the tension (the trembling, the flush).
Refining Dialogue Tags and Internal Monologue
There are several instances of run-on sentences or internal thoughts being awkwardly merged with dialogue tags.
* Example from the text: "No. It’s perfectly fine. I’m looking forward to the lesson very much.” The way he emphasized the last part in his low husky voice made her insides quiver.
* Suggestion: Ensure proper punctuation and separation for smoother reading. Also, look for opportunities to replace passive descriptions of sound (e.g., "Dean's voice was low and husky") with a verb that shows the effect, as you did well elsewhere (e.g., "His voice rumbled, making her insides quiver").
Integrating the Fantasy Element
As noted in the previous review, this chapter reads entirely as a contemporary romance/mystery. If the story is fantasy, Chapter Three is the perfect place to drop a more explicit hint, given the heightened emotional state.
* Suggestion (Subtle Fantasy Hint): When Sarah is focused on Dean's body, or when they touch, perhaps a small, unexplained phenomenon occurs. For instance, when Dean's hands are on her hips, the Bay Mare, Whisper, might suddenly twitch violently, sensing a jolt of energy or emotion that is more than human. This would raise the stakes and link the magical (if it is magic) to their physical intimacy and Dean's nature.
* The title "Kinkaid's Heir" strongly suggests Dean is the heir. The fact that he is working on the Kinkaid ranch confirms the connection. Now, the story needs to clarify what exactly he inherits that is supernatural.
Grammar and Typo Check
The chapter contains several minor spelling and punctuation errors (e.g., "Dean glaced back at her," "feined surprise," inconsistent use of capitalization for proper nouns like "daddy" or "canter"). A careful proofread for mechanics would polish the excellent content.
This is a fantastic chapter that moves the story forward quickly and emotionally. You have successfully created a powerful romantic setup, and the groundwork for a major conflict involving Dean's secret identity has been laid. Now, the next chapter needs to decide if the secret is mundane (just wealth) or fantastical (magic/heritage)...sindbad


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9
9
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Mark Tiwo

That's wonderful! Taking on a new genre, especially one as broad as fantasy, is exciting. You should be very proud of the solid foundation you've built.
As you mentioned this is your first attempt at fantasy, I want to offer a specific, two-part review: first, an analysis of the story as it currently reads (a strong contemporary mystery/drama), and second, practical advice on how to integrate the fantasy element you intend to introduce.
Overall Impression & Genre Clarification
Based purely on Chapter Two, you have written a highly effective Contemporary Mystery and Character Drama. The elements—a secret identity, professional success masking personal trauma, small-town dynamics, and the looming danger of discovery—are expertly handled within this grounded genre. If you are aiming for a slow-burn fantasy where the magical elements are revealed later, you've succeeded in establishing a compelling reality that the fantasy can disrupt.
The writing is clear, the dialogue is natural, and your main character, Sarah Logan, is immediately empathetic. You have a great handle on setting mood through internal reflection.
🎯 The Fantasy Pivot
The key to your next revision will be justifying the title, "Kinkaid's Heir," and weaving in the fantastical elements without destroying the rich, grounded setting you've created. Right now, the drama centers entirely on the human trauma of a kidnapping. To make this fantasy, the "incident" or the "heir" status must have non-human or supernatural origins or consequences.
What Works Well (As a Grounded Story)
Strong Character Dynamics
* Doc Harold & Sarah: This relationship is the emotional core of the chapter. Harold’s genuine warmth, his protection of her secret, and the shared, unspoken pain (his wife Mattie’s breakdown) tie them together beautifully. This established trust will make any future plot complications involving Harold or Mattie incredibly impactful.
* Amy: She is a great source of natural, light-hearted conflict. Her desire to matchmake gives Sarah a believable, low-stakes problem to balance her high-stakes secret.
Effective Mystery Building
You handle the reveal of Sarah's background skillfully. The information is dripped out naturally through her thoughts and conversations:
* She is Sarah Logan, but was Seraphim Kennedy.
* She was kidnapped eighteen years ago.
* The trauma prevents her from riding horses.
* The trauma caused collateral damage (Mattie’s institutionalization).
This technique of hinting at a dark history keeps the reader engaged and wondering who kidnapped her and why she is hiding now.
Pacing and Structure
The chapter excels at shifting focus. You move smoothly from the clinic’s success (showing her competence) to the personal drama (Amy’s visit, dinner invite) to the deep trauma (Harold’s wife, the horseback riding suggestion). This prevents the chapter from feeling monotonous.
Integrating the Fantasy Element: Tips for Revision
Since you are intending this to be a fantasy story, here are some ways you can start to lay that groundwork in this chapter, ensuring it doesn't just feel like a regular mystery that suddenly turns weird:
1. Introduce a Sensory Detail
Fantasy works best when the strange elements are felt rather than told.
* Suggestion: When Sarah enters the newly renovated clinic or her own home, give her a momentary, unsettling sensory experience that can be explained later.
* Example: When Amy talks about the cords beneath the desk, Sarah notices a single, impossible shadow that seems to coil, like a snake, though no light source could cause it. Or, when she cuddles Rufus, the dog reacts strangely, sensing something in her that others cannot.
2. Connect the Trauma to the Power
Make the "incident" more than just a human crime. If she is the "Heir," she likely inherited something.
* Suggestion: Rephrase the moment Doc Harold suggests riding:
* Original thought: "She had loved riding as a child but that was before."
* Revision: Perhaps the horse riding was a way she controlled or used her power, and the kidnapping severed that link. The fear of riding isn’t just trauma; it’s the fear of reawakening something dangerous or uncontrollable.
3. Change Doc Harold's Warning
Harold is the one holding the secret key. Make his concern more cryptic and less purely emotional.
* Suggestion: When he discourages her from visiting Mattie, make his reasoning sound like a warning about their secret, not just Mattie's mental state.
* Example: Instead of, “She isn’t herself Sarah. She doesn’t recognize anyone and is often…violent,” try: “She isn’t herself, Sarah. The change in her happened when... when it was taken from you. She doesn't recognize anyone, and if she sees you now, it could break the control. You can’t risk exposure, not yet.” This implies a magical transaction or consequence.
4. A Subtle World-Building Detail
Since you’re in Texas, you can use local color to hide a hint of the fantastical.
* Suggestion: When Sarah is admiring the renovation, add a detail about a strange item Doc Harold insisted on leaving behind, perhaps a clock that only ticks backward or a decorative object that glows momentarily when Sarah touches it. This is a visual breadcrumb for the reader.
Keep writing! You have created a compelling character and a great setting. Now, you just need to decide how the magic you envision will break through this reality.
Do you know what the "Kinkaid" inheritance is? If you'd like, we could brainstorm a small, subtle piece of imagery for your opening scene that hints at the fantastic nature of her secret...sindbad


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10
10
Review of Kinkaid's Heir  Open in new Window.
for entry "Chapter Two:" Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Kitt

This chapter, "Chapter Two: Kinkaid's Heir," does a good job of furthering the narrative and deepening the reader's understanding of the main character, Sarah Logan (formerly Seraphim Kennedy). The writing is clear and the pacing is steady, effectively setting the scene for Sarah's new life while keeping the lingering mystery of her past active.
Here is a detailed review of the chapter, with tips for potential improvement.
Overall Impression
This is a strong, character-driven chapter that successfully establishes Sarah's new pediatric practice and introduces her key relationships in town, particularly with her receptionist Amy and the retiring doctor, Doc Harold. The dual narrative thread—Sarah’s success as a doctor and her secret identity as a kidnapping survivor—is handled well, creating a quiet tension that underlies her seemingly successful return home. The conversations feel natural, and the author does an excellent job of showing Sarah's internal life, especially her anxieties about trust, relationships, and the trauma of the past "incident."
What Works Well
Character Development
* Sarah Logan/Seraphim Kennedy: Her character is complex and immediately sympathetic. We see her dedication and competence as a young, fully certified pediatrician, which immediately undercuts the doubts she anticipates from parents. Simultaneously, the internal monologue reveals her vulnerability: her fear of being discovered, her struggle with the lingering effects of the kidnapping, and her emotional reserve regarding personal relationships. The detail about her youthful appearance, which she shares with her mother, is a nice, grounding character touch.
* Amy: Amy is a wonderful foil and support character. She is warm, organized, and genuinely invested in Sarah's happiness, even if it leads to some well-meaning (and amusingly disastrous) matchmaking attempts. She provides a sense of normalcy and grounding for Sarah.
* Doc Harold: He serves as a vital anchor to Sarah’s past and present. His protection of her secret, his endorsement to the community, and his role as a surrogate father/confidant make him a critical and endearing character. His personal tragedy regarding his wife, Mattie, is a poignant addition that deepens his character and connects him to Sarah's own trauma.
Plot and Pacing
* Smooth Transitions: The chapter effectively covers the clinic remodel, the successful first day, and an evening conversation with Doc Harold. The pacing is deliberate, focusing on dialogue and internal thought rather than action, which suits the story’s emphasis on Sarah’s emotional state.
* The Unspoken Past: The details about Sarah’s past—the kidnapping eighteen years ago, the need for secrecy, the mention of her mother, and the trauma surrounding horses—are woven into the narrative organically. They are not delivered in a clumsy information dump but revealed naturally as Sarah reflects on her life and her therapist's advice.
* The Mattie Subplot: The reveal about Doc Harold’s wife, Mattie, and her breakdown after "the incident" is a powerful moment. It not only explains Harold's protectiveness but also suggests that the fallout of Sarah's kidnapping affected more people in the town than just her immediate family, subtly expanding the story's scope and consequences.
Tips for Improvement
Show, Don't Tell (Aesthetic Details)
The description of the clinic is very clear about the intent of the remodel ("Cheerful but clean," "fun colors," "brand new exciting looking toys"), but it could be more visceral.
* Suggestion: Instead of summarizing, try to describe a specific detail. For example, instead of "The interior walls were decorated tastefully but brightly in fun colors," you could try: "A mural of cheerful, oversized jungle animals stretched across the back wall of the waiting room, and the examination rooms were painted a calming, buttery yellow." This makes the atmosphere concrete for the reader.
Dialogue Tags and Mechanics
The dialogue is mostly strong, but a few lines could be tightened to avoid repetition and clarify who is speaking.
* Example from the text: “Thanks Amy.” I have to admit it does look pretty good Sarah admitted to herself.
* Suggestion: Keep the internal thought separate from the dialogue tag for clarity and a smoother read. For example: “Thanks Amy.” Sarah smiled. I have to admit it does look pretty good, she thought.
Pacing and Emphasis
The paragraphs detailing Sarah’s past, her therapist's advice, and her lack of sexual attraction are important for characterization, but they appear in a dense block of internal monologue near the end.
* Suggestion: Consider breaking up this information, perhaps by weaving the therapist's advice earlier or later, or by letting the horseback riding idea prompt the reflection, which could then lead naturally to her relationship struggles. This will prevent the ending from feeling like a summary of her psychological state and will keep the action flowing.
Clarity on "The Incident"
The term "the incident" is used multiple times as a stand-in for the kidnapping trauma. While the author is deliberately vague to maintain the mystery, too many uses can make the prose feel a little guarded.
* Suggestion: Vary the language slightly, perhaps with terms like "that time," "the ordeal," or "the abduction" in Sarah’s internal thoughts to keep the language fresh while still being clearly about the traumatic event.
Overall, this chapter is a successful and insightful continuation of the story, driven by a compelling, well-developed protagonist. The pieces are all in place for the central conflict—Sarah’s secret versus her new life—to begin playing out...sindbad


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11
11
Review of Kinkaid's Heir  Open in new Window.
for entry "Chapter One:" Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Kitt

A Detailed Review of "Kinkaid's Heir: Chapter One"
"Kinkaid's Heir: Chapter One" immediately establishes its central character and conflict, leaning heavily on Drama and Emotional themes within a Romance/Love context. The chapter focuses entirely on a highly antagonistic breakup and the frustration it causes the protagonist.
Plot and Pacing
The plot is extremely focused, revolving around a single, frustrating argument and its immediate aftermath:
* The Confrontation: The chapter opens in media res with Dean Kinkaid confronting Lydia, a woman he has decided to end a brief affair with. The setting is the barn of the ranch, which highlights Dean's working environment and provides a witness, Allen, the foreman.
* Dean's Justification: Through Dean's internal monologue and dialogue, the reader learns his side of the story: he was always clear about their relationship being a "fun fling," and he feels Lydia is being dishonest or manipulative by now claiming love and promises.
* Lydia's Reaction: Lydia reacts hysterically, crying, clinging, and "blubbering incoherently." This confirms Dean's worst fears about her and validates his desire to end the relationship, even as he is unable to detach from her physically.
* Resolution and Frustration: Dean manages to steer Lydia away, drawing a sharp contrast between his aggressive demeanor towards her and his subsequent frustration with his foreman. The chapter concludes with Dean engaging in strenuous physical labor to clear his head, signifying his need to process his frustration.
The pacing is appropriate for a tense, emotional scene, but it risks feeling static because the entire chapter is dedicated to one conversation, repeatedly reinforcing the same points about Dean's honesty and Lydia's clinginess.
Character Development
* Dean Kinkaid: Dean is the clear protagonist and is established as a gruff, brutally honest, and commanding figure, but one who is out of his depth with intense emotion.
* Strengths: His character voice is clear, demonstrating frustration and self-justification. His immediate need for physical labor after the emotional confrontation is a good indicator of his personality—he deals with problems through force or work, not emotional intelligence.
* Weaknesses: Dean’s internal analysis of Lydia is excessively harsh, describing her as "tawdry," "crass and cheap," and "worse than an octopus." While this shows his frustration, the level of disdain makes him somewhat unsympathetic. He critiques her appearance and personality in judgmental terms, which may make the reader question his self-proclaimed honesty about his own mistakes.
* Lydia: She serves as the antagonist of this chapter. She is defined entirely by her hysterical, clinging reaction ("worse than an octopus") and her emotional instability, which makes Dean look for a graceful exit. Her character is a stereotype of the desperate, clingy ex-lover, lacking nuance.
* Allen (The Foreman): Allen is a great secondary character, serving as a silent observer and moral barometer. His calculated wince, shrug, and measured look after Dean dismisses Lydia all communicate Dean’s poor reputation with women and the foreman’s silent judgment.
Themes and Style
* Honesty vs. Miscommunication: Dean’s core conflict is his inability to make his "abruptly and brutally honest" thoughts clear to Lydia. This explores the idea that even the clearest intentions can be misinterpreted when emotions are involved.
* Emotional Incompetence: Dean's response to the crisis is entirely physical and aggressive—first harsh words, then a literal kick, and finally grueling work. He is clearly not an emotionally equipped character, setting up potential future drama.
* Ranch Setting: The brief but effective use of the ranch setting (barn, mare, hay bails) firmly grounds Dean in a masculine, practical world that contrasts with the emotional drama.
Areas for Improvement
* Show, Don't Tell: The author frequently tells the reader about Dean's character traits rather than demonstrating them (e.g., "Dean prided himself on his ability to keep his relationships with women casual and short term"). A more active voice throughout could strengthen the narrative.
* Protagonist Sympathy: The constant, overtly judgmental narration about Lydia's physical appearance and personality ("cheap looking blond," "tawdry") makes Dean seem unnecessarily cruel, even if his core intent was honest. The narrative should focus more on his sense of regret or frustration with the mistake rather than solely on Lydia's flaws to make him more relatable.
* Clarity on the Affair: The text implies the relationship was only one night ("We only spent the one evening together and that was it!"). If the affair was this short, it should be clarified earlier, as the intensity of Lydia's week-long harassment and Dean's self-reflection feels disproportionate to a single evening encounter.
Conclusion
"Kinkaid's Heir: Chapter One" is a functional introduction to a difficult protagonist. It successfully sets up the core conflict of Dean's inability to manage emotional relationships and clearly defines his gruff personality and the ranch setting. The chapter ends with a feeling of unresolved frustration that strongly suggests the drama with Lydia is far from over, opening the door for the main plot of the "Heir" to begin...sindbad


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12
12
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
The Phantom

Here is a detailed review of "Natasha & Naomi: Girl's Night Out"
"Natasha & Naomi: Girl's Night Out" is a lighthearted piece centered around the dynamics of a friend group and a comedic eating challenge. Classified as Fantasy, Friendship, and Other, the story successfully utilizes character contrast and a clear, linear plot to deliver a fun and focused narrative.
Plot and Pacing
The story follows three friends—Ruth, Taylor, and Naomi—during a dinner that Ruth is paying for as a thank you. The plot moves through a clear progression:
* Introduction and Establishing Dynamics: The initial dialogue establishes the generous Ruth, the edgy and pragmatic Taylor, and the shy but ravenous Naomi. Naomi's appetite is immediately highlighted when she is tempted to order both chicken and salmon.
* The Problem of Appetite: After eating her first two meals, Naomi is still hungry, creating a dilemma as Ruth refuses to pay for more food. This sets the stage for the challenge.
* The Big Larry Challenge: Taylor suggests the "Big Larry" eating challenge as a solution to get a free meal. The challenge itself becomes the central conflict, generating tension and drawing in spectators.
* The Climax and Resolution: Naomi struggles but, with the help of Taylor's subtle cheating (eating the fries) and Ruth's encouragement (and a timely "tummy rub" to spur her on), she finishes the giant burger and wins. The story ends on a high note with Naomi's victory, the bill being cleared, and the menu item being renamed "The Big Naomi."
The pacing is excellent. The story is concise and wastes little time, jumping from the initial meal to the challenge, which takes up the majority of the word count.
Character Dynamics
The strongest element of the story is the clear and contrasting characterization, which makes their dialogue and interactions fun:
* Naomi: The protagonist and the shy one, easily embarrassed ("I-I'm sorry! I'll pay for my extras"), yet possessing a surprisingly immense and embarrassing appetite. She is the sympathetic character whose success the reader roots for. Her extreme physical reactions (salivating, trembling, belching, dazed look) are a central focus.
* Ruth: The sensible and generous friend. She is the "straight man" to the others' antics, huffing at Taylor's edge and Naomi's gluttony. Her concern over the cost drives the initial tension, and her ultimate willingness to help Naomi win (even if grudgingly) shows her underlying loyalty.
* Taylor: The edgy, quick-witted instigator. She is pragmatic and solution-oriented, quickly suggesting the challenge and then secretly cheating to ensure Naomi's victory. Her commentary provides much of the story's humorous dialogue ("Yeah, the edgy moocher thing is all mine!").
The three characters create a solid, entertaining dynamic, with Taylor and Ruth acting as a foil to each other as they rally around Naomi.
Themes and Style
* Friendship and Acceptance: The core theme is the strong bond between the friends. Despite Ruth's grumbling, she and Taylor fully support Naomi in her embarrassing moment, ultimately focusing on her success over rules or money. Ruth's reluctant tummy rub and Taylor's cheering are key moments of unconditional support.
* Humor and Focus on the Physical: The story focuses heavily on the comedic physical aspects of gluttony. Naomi's "slightly bulging stomach," "overstuffed belly," and frequent belches are emphasized, along with the detailed description of the burger itself ("huge 8 pound quadruple hamburger"). This indicates a focus on specific, fetishistic aspects of eating.
Areas for Improvement
* Dialogue Tags and Action: While the dialogue is strong in establishing character, the action sometimes relies heavily on dialogue tags for exposition (e.g., "Ruth just looked at Taylor in disdain," "Naomi looked like she was concentrating hard"). Varying the descriptions of action around the dialogue would create a more dynamic scene.
* Naming Consistency: The title includes "Natasha & Naomi," but the character Natasha is never mentioned in the text; only Ruth, Taylor, and Naomi appear. This is a noticeable inconsistency that should be corrected, either by changing the title or adding a character named Natasha.
* Clarity of the "Fantasy" Tag: The story is classified as "Fantasy," but the events are grounded in reality (an eating challenge). Unless Naomi has a supernatural ability to eat vast amounts of food, the "Fantasy" tag seems inappropriate and could be misleading. "Humor" or "Slice of Life" would be better classifications.
Conclusion
"Natasha & Naomi: Girl's Night Out" is a fun, character-driven narrative that successfully executes its premise—a high-stakes eating contest among friends. The well-defined personalities of Ruth, Taylor, and Naomi create an enjoyable, low-conflict dynamic, and the focus on the physical comedy of the challenge makes it entertaining. The story is complete, satisfying, and closes with a fitting sense of achievement and friendship...sindbad


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13
13
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Kåre เลียม Enga

This is a concise and moving tribute poem that uses the language of chemistry to explore a profound student-teacher relationship.
Review of "Arsenic"
The piece is powerful for its sustained use of the periodic table and chemical terminology as a metaphor for the author's internal life and the teacher's positive influence.
Strengths
* Extended Metaphor: The core strength lies in the masterful use of chemistry to express emotion. The author initially identifies with "arsenic," a poison representing their "meekness and fears," and a "rare earth no one needed."
* The Teacher as Catalyst: Mr. Mysliwiec is presented as the chemical agent that stabilized the author's life. He is likened to "lithium," a mood stabilizer, which "pulled me through adolescence." The teacher helps the student embrace the "protons" (core) and understand the "neglected neutrons" (hidden self) of their atom/identity.
* The Arsenic Test: The final act of giving the student arsenic to test is a brilliant metaphor. It signifies the teacher's trust and faith that the student has been sufficiently stabilized (by the "lithium" of their teaching) and matured to handle the "poison" of their former self without succumbing to it.
* Emotional Climax: The poem concludes with a beautiful statement of shared humanity: “It was the chemistry of teacher and student, both suffering through high school... just the same.” This suggests a deep, unspoken understanding that transcended academics.
Suggestion for Improvement
* Pacing and Line Breaks (Poetic Structure): While presented in prose blocks, the piece reads as a free verse poem. For maximum emotional impact, breaking the long sentences into more deliberate, shorter lines could enhance the rhythm and highlight the chemical and emotional keywords. For example, breaking the fifth paragraph:
In the periodic table I was some rare earth no one needed.
I sure wasn't gold,
yet your lithium pulled me through adolescence,
the valences of elements,
the fickle static of electrons,
helped me embrace the core of their protons,
understand the neglected neutrons of atoms.

Overall Impression

"Arsenic" is a highly effective and unique tribute. It skillfully weaves personal anecdotes (the broken wrists, the scholarship exam) with scientific language to create a deeply resonant portrait of mentorship. The piece is both intellectually clever and genuinely heartfelt...sindbad


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14
14
Review of The Sword of Elam  Open in new Window.
for entry "Summons" Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi
Rob Hunston

Detailed Review and Analysis: "Summons"
This chapter, "Summons," is a focused and action-packed continuation of Kedor's character arc, immediately following the revelation of his secret competence in "The Mask." It shifts the narrative from political observation to intense, private training and sets up the next crucial turn in his path to power.
1. Character and Skill Development
The core of the chapter is a training session that validates and escalates the twist from "The Mask."
* Kedor's True Skill: We now see Kedor in action without the restraints of his "fop" persona. He is "thickly thewed," with "thick muscles rippling," confirming his physical prowess. His training is constant and intense, having taken place every morning since age five, explaining his mastery of defense.
* Introduction of Shikha (The Bodyguard): Shikha is the most intriguing new character. She is a powerful, almost supernatural warrior—an amazon with "feline grace," jade eyes split by vertical pupils, and body covered in temporary henna tattoos that seemingly darken with hostility. Her whispered lines ("Rakshana," "Children of the Tiger") suggest a mystical, warrior caste that Kedor has secretly been trained into.
* The Fighting Style: The fighting is fast and evocative. The use of tulwars (curved swords) and the description of the fight as a "dance" that melds "all martial forms, including magic," firmly establishes that Kedor's fighting style is not merely physical, but also involves esoteric elements. This links back to the high-level magic discussed in "Terah am Shem" and the divine conflict of the Prologue.
* The Rakshana Title: Shikha’s declaration that Kedor is now "Rakshana, in all but the ritual tattooing" and is "entitled to wear the crossed talwars" is the chapter's main development. This is a rite of passage, forcing Kedor to choose whether to drop his "Mask" and accept the danger and expectations that come with being an openly formidable heir. The phrase, "Oh, how I’ve waited for this moment!" confirms his long-held ambition.
2. Narrative Structure and Pacing
The chapter is split into three effective acts:
* The Training Scene: A highly visual, dynamic action sequence that establishes Kedor's skill and the mystical nature of his training. The use of light and shadow, combined with Shikha's feline description, creates palpable tension.
* The Internal Debate: Kedor's private deliberation about the consequences of accepting the Rakshana mantle. This maintains the political tension from "The Mask" and clarifies that his fop image was a deliberate defense mechanism.
* The Summons: The arrival of the nervous guardsman introduces the third key figure in Kedor's life: the Mistress of the Household (his grandmother, as revealed by the final line). Her authority is absolute, signaling a new, immediate threat/opportunity that forces Kedor's choice.
3. Relation to Previous Chapters
This chapter focuses on the internal, personal preparation for the war established in the previous two chapters.
* To "The Mask": "Summons" is the fulfillment of the promise made in "The Mask." It shows how Kedor became the secret master of martial arts glimpsed previously, transitioning his competence from a momentary surprise to a central character trait. It explains the "bulk" and "ropy muscles" Kindatu observed.
* To "Terah am Shem": The mention of martial forms "including magic" connects Kedor's private training to the massive magical forces wielded by Terah am Shem and the Gibbor'im Magi. Kedor's destiny is not just to be a political leader, but a magically and martially capable one, placing him as a fitting "weapon" against the formidable Nephil'im and their allies.
* New Players: The introduction of the Mistress of the Household (Grandmother) adds another powerful layer to the House of Shem's hierarchy, revealing that Kindatu is not the sole power-broker. Her summons forces Kedor to leave his training and engage with the inner court politics.
4. Overall Impression and Tips for Improvement
"Summons" is a compelling and well-executed chapter. It successfully deepens the protagonist's background, introduces a fascinating, powerful mentor/bodyguard, and creates immediate forward momentum toward the next significant encounter.
| Aspect | Evaluation | Tip for Improvement |
|---|---|---|
| Characterization | Excellent. Shikha is an exciting addition. Kedor's inner turmoil is realistic and raises the stakes of his decisions. | The exact nature of Rakshana—its origin, its connection to Elam, and the "mystical vein" lessons—should be quickly elaborated upon to fully leverage its significance. |
| Action & Imagery | Very Strong. The language used for Shikha (feline, dappled tawny skin, jade eyes) is vivid, making the training scene memorable and highly visual. | N/A. The flow of the fight is excellent, clearly showing Kedor's defensive strength against Shikha's offensive speed. |
| Pacing | Effective. The chapter ends on a sharp cliffhanger with the grandmother's summons, guaranteeing the reader will want to continue. | The transition from the internal debate to the guard's interruption is sharp and drives the plot forward with urgency. |
The immediate tension is now focused on the coming meeting. Grandmother beckons and all leap to respond—and Kedor must decide whether to face her as the fop or as a newly revealed Rakshana warrior...sindbad


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15
15
Review of The Sword of Elam  Open in new Window.
for entry "Terah am Shem" Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi
Rob Hunston

This is a detailed review of the chapter "Terah am Shem" and I did decipher the relation to the previous chapter, "The Mask."

Detailed Review of "Terah am Shem"
The chapter "Terah am Shem" shifts the narrative focus entirely, introducing the story's geopolitical landscape and its connection to the powerful mythological/political House of Shem, which was introduced in the previous chapter through Kindatu and Bardia am Shem. It serves as a strong point-of-view chapter, utilizing the perspective of the antagonist, Sebu, to reveal the true scale of the power struggles.
1. New Setting and Political Conflict
The chapter opens at a bustling port on the Ufratu River (likely the Euphrates), signaling a move from the splendor of Susa (seen in "The Mask") to a major trade and transit hub, possibly Babel (Babylon) or another city in Shin'ar (Sumer/Mesopotamia).
* The Antagonist's POV: We are introduced to Sebu, the Grand Vizier of Babel, brother to King Nimrod, and Heir to the Throne of Shin'ar. He represents the rival power structure in this world: House Ham.
* The Conflict: Sebu's fury over the Harbormaster's deliberate insult—being denied the private pier and forced to dock with common merchants—establishes a clear, intense political rivalry between House Ham (Sebu/Nimrod/Babel) and House Shem (Terah/Kindatu/Susa). This is not just personal pique; it is an open challenge to the authority and prestige of Babel's ruling family.
2. Mythological and Magical World-Building
The narrative quickly escalates from political squabble to a confrontation involving immense magical power, directly connecting to the overarching mythological themes.
* Sebu's Reaction: Sebu's initial anger immediately turns to deep foreboding and fear upon sensing the incoming presence. This switch is highly effective, transforming a petty political annoyance into a moment of genuine terror.
* The Gibbor'im: Sebu's bodyguards are identified as Gibbor'im, a name often used interchangeably with Nephil'im or "mighty men" in ancient texts. Sebu is also a "Magi of the Gibbor'im Tribe." This is a critical detail: the faction opposing Kindatu's empire is directly linked to the very giants El sought to destroy, confirming the main story's conflict is playing out on the human stage through proxy wars between these two Houses.
* Master Mages: Sebu's internal monologue sets up a hierarchy of magical power by comparing the arriving Terah am Shem to the two most powerful sorcerers he has encountered:
* Anab, patriarch of the Anak'im: A "pure descendant of the Eloh'im" and High Counselor to the Council of the Nephil'im. This confirms that the Nephil'im have a formal, powerful leadership structure and divine ancestry.
* Shem: The founder of House Shem and High Mage of the Chaldean School.
* Terah am Shem: The new arrival whose power is "as immense as the other two," but possessing a "wild, uncontrolled quality." This makes Terah an unpredictable and terrifying new threat.
3. Relation to the Previous Story ("The Mask")
The primary connection lies in the House of Shem and the establishment of the geopolitical battle lines.
* House Shem: Kindatu am Shem (the Shahanshah) from "The Mask" and Terah am Shem from this chapter are members of the same powerful lineage. "The Mask" showed the internal stability and cunning of this empire (represented by Kedor's trickery). "Terah am Shem" now reveals the external threat—a rivalry with House Ham—and introduces a colossal figure of power (Terah) who is clearly central to Kindatu's administration.
* The Stakes: "The Mask" concerned Kedor's fitness to rule the existing empire. "Terah am Shem" raises the stakes by showing that this empire is actively and openly challenged by a rival nation (Shin'ar) led by a family (House Ham) that employs and is allied with the forces of the Gibbor'im/Nephil'im.
In essence:
* "The Mask" (House Shem Internal): Cunning and preparation for war.
* "Terah am Shem" (House Ham External): Confrontation and the raw magical power of the enemy.
4. Overall Impression and Tips for Improvement
The chapter is a success, effectively introducing a new setting, a compelling antagonist (Sebu), and immediately escalating the stakes with the presence of immense magical power.
| Aspect | Evaluation | Tip for Improvement |
|---|---|---|
| Pacing & Action | Excellent. The initial frustration and shouting give way to sudden fear and an ominous description of the approaching fleet and power. | The closing line ("Oblivious, Sebu made his way...") is slightly ambiguous. Since he is staring at the raft, he is not oblivious to the threat; the word may be intended to mean "ignoring the panicked crowd," but this should be clarified. |
| World-Building | Superb. The use of specific names and titles (Nimrod, Shin'ar, Gibbor'im, Anak'im, Eloh'im) builds a rich, ancient mythological setting that feels authentic and deep. | The sheer number of proper nouns introduced in two pages is high. The narrative will need to provide context for these names quickly to prevent reader confusion about who belongs to which House (Shem vs. Ham) and which faction (Human vs. Nephil'im). |
| Character | Effective. Sebu is established as a powerful, arrogant politician who is secretly terrified of true magical power, making him a complex antagonist. | N/A. Sebu's perspective is a fantastic vehicle for exposition. |
The chapter firmly positions the story's conflict as an ancient, mythological war between the descendants of Shem and the forces allied with Ham/the Nephil'im, fought through the grand political structures of their respective empires...sindbad


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16
16
Review of The Sword of Elam  Open in new Window.
for entry "The Mask" Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi
Rob Hunston

I have gone through this intresting and rather intriguing story and did post my review for the set up and the prologue as well. I was hooked up and felt like going through the first 3 chapters as well. So I am posting my review with all the personal opinions, so if there is any fault I do apologize in the begining itself.
Detailed Review and Analysis: The Sword of Elam
1. Overall Concept and Setup
"The Sword of Elam" establishes itself as an epic fantasy rooted deeply in ancient mythology and history (as confirmed by its genre tags).
The core premise is high-stakes and immediately compelling: the return of the formidable Nephil'im, who were once defeated by a flood sent by the deity El. Their goal is to "recapture the past glories of their ancient kingdoms." El's choice of a "different weapon for their destruction"—the titular Sword of Elam—creates a central mystery and promise of grand conflict. The 18+ rating suggests the story will handle mature themes, complex violence, and potentially morally ambiguous situations befitting a battle against mythic foes.
The chapter list, though unusually numbered (with the Prologue at #16 and Chapter 1 entered last), hints at a sprawling narrative focused on ancient power centers and key players, using historical-sounding names like Zimrilim, Marduk, Terah, and Shem.
2. Analysis of the Prologue
The Prologue is a highly effective contextual device, though it is not original narrative. It is a direct excerpt from Chapter 5 of the Book of Jubilees, an ancient religious text.
* Function: It grounds the story in specific ancient scripture. It details the corruption of the earth by the angels/sons of God and the resulting birth of the giants (the Nephil'im), confirming their semi-divine, rebellious origins.
* Foreshadowing: The most crucial line is the command for the giants to be "smitten with the sword." This line directly validates the story's title and central plot element, The Sword of Elam, suggesting it is an instrument of divine judgment pre-ordained since the time of the Flood.
* Tone: The use of archaic, biblical language instantly lends the entire work a formal, epic, and authoritative tone, elevating the stakes from standard fantasy to cosmological conflict.
3. Analysis of the Chapter: "The Mask"
This chapter successfully bridges the epic mythology of the Prologue with the immediate political and character-driven drama of the main story. It is a powerful debut chapter that executes a crucial narrative twist.
World-Building and Setting
The setting is the capital city of Susa, described as a vast, wealthy metropolis defined by key structures like the Kukunum (sacred tower) and the Adapana (fortress of pink marble). The detailed names and titles—Kindatu am Shem (Shahanshah), Bardia am Shem (Shah of Arachosia), and Grand Vizier—immediately establish the world as a huge, historically inspired empire, likely drawing from ancient Mesopotamian and Persian civilizations.
Central Conflict and The Twist
The chapter’s dramatic focus is on Kedor, the heir to the empire, who is being harshly trained by the giant champion Kay while his father, Kindatu, and uncle, Bardia, watch and debate his fitness to rule.
* The Persona (The Mask): Kedor deliberately cultivates the image of a "ridiculous looking figure," a "popinjay" prone to "drunken debauchery." This fulfills the chapter's title.
* The Reality: The truth is revealed in a brilliant climax. Despite the humiliation, Kedor flawlessly resists Kay's furious, expert strikes. Kindatu notes the "thick ropy muscles" underneath the silk, and the chapter ends with Kedor releasing a sigh of relief, followed by a hidden smile.
* The Implication: This twist transforms Kedor from a spoiled brat into a cunning, highly skilled, and underestimated manipulator with a secret agenda. He is purposefully deceiving his court and, perhaps, his father. This makes him the perfect candidate for the "different weapon" El has chosen—one who relies on intellect and deception as much as strength.
Narrative Technique
The chapter uses a compelling technique of interweaving high-stakes dialogue (the political debate on the balcony) with intense action (the training session). The use of onomatopoeia (BOOM, CRASH) maintains a driving pace and highlights the sheer power of the champion Kay, making Kedor's successful defense even more impressive.
Summary and Recommendation
"The Sword of Elam" begins with an exceptionally strong foundation. The concept is epic, the mythological backing is authoritative, and the debut chapter, "The Mask," provides a compelling, cunning protagonist and a vivid imperial setting. The most crucial task for the narrative moving forward will be to maintain the balance between the cosmic struggle of the Nephil'im and the human political maneuvering Kedor must navigate as he prepares to wield his secret power.
Recommendation for the Author: Ensure the intended reading order is clearly communicated to readers, as the current chapter numbering is confusing...sindbad


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17
17
Review of The Sword of Elam  Open in new Window.
for entry "Prologue" Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi
Rob Hunston

This is a review and analysis of the Prologue for "The Sword of Elam."
Detailed Review of "The Sword of Elam": Prologue
The Prologue is not original narrative but a direct excerpt from an ancient religious text, specifically Chapter 5 of the Book of Jubilees, which details the events leading up to the Great Flood.
Analysis of Content and Theme
The Prologue serves a critical function: to establish the mythological foundation and historical context for the entire series.
* Origin of the Conflict: It lays out the biblical and extra-biblical story of the "sons of God" (implied to be angels or watchers) mating with the "daughters of men," resulting in the birth of giants (the Nephil'im, though not named in this specific excerpt, are the implied offspring). This directly ties into the main story's premise: "Once thought destroyed by the flood sent by El, the Nephil'im have risen to power again."
* Thematic Establishment: The passage establishes core themes of the narrative:
* Corruption and Lawlessness: The spread of evil among "all flesh" (men, cattle, beasts) and the universal corruption of "ways and orders."
* Divine Wrath and Judgment: God's (El's) decision to destroy the earth via the flood and his specific commands to bind the rebellious angels and smite their giant offspring with the sword.
* Foreshadowing the Title: The final quoted line is the most important for the story's title: "And against their sons went forth a command from before His face that they should be smitten with the sword..." This directly foreshadows and validates the existence and purpose of the main story's weapon, "The Sword of Elam," suggesting it is the very instrument of divine judgment commanded in this ancient text.
* Tone and Style: By using the direct scriptural language of Jubilees, the author immediately imbues the story with a formal, epic, and authoritative tone. It instantly lends a sense of sacred gravity and ancient history to the fantasy world.
Strengths and Weaknesses
| Aspect | Evaluation | Details |
|---|---|---|
| Strength: Context | Excellent. Clearly and quickly establishes the central conflict (the Nephil'im's origin and original defeat) using recognized source material. | Readers familiar with the myth gain instant grounding; new readers receive a dense, powerful origin story. |
| Strength: Tone | Highly effective. The use of archaic, biblical language elevates the story's scale, making it feel like a genuine ancient epic. | This is much stronger than a typical narrative-style summary. |
| Weakness: Pacing | Abrupt. A prologue's traditional purpose is to ease the reader into the world. Quoting a dense text, while powerful, can be jarring and might alienate readers unfamiliar with the source material. | It assumes the reader will connect this text to the "Nephil'im" mentioned in the blurb. |
| Weakness: Originality | Low. By being a direct quotation, the prologue lacks original narrative voice or stylistic flourish from the author. | While functional, it doesn't give a sample of the author's writing style for the main story. |
Conclusion and Tip for Improvement
The Prologue is a highly functional and thematically powerful tool that acts as a sacred text/historical document to ground the story in a specific mythological tradition. It successfully validates the story's central premise and weapon.
Tip for Improvement:
* Integrate a short, original narrative bridge. The author could consider adding a brief, one-paragraph introduction or conclusion to the excerpt. This would serve as the author's voice, either setting the scene for finding this ancient text (e.g., "The priests of Ur read this on the eve of the invasion...") or directly linking the ancient judgment to the present conflict (e.g., "Now, a thousand years later, the binding has failed, and El seeks his sword again..."). This would maintain the power of the excerpt while showcasing the author's writing style...sindbad


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18
18
Review of The Sword of Elam  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi
Rob Hunston

That's a fascinating request! Based on the image you provided, I can offer a detailed review and analysis of the story, "The Sword of Elam," and its setup.
Detailed Review and Analysis: "The Sword of Elam"
The Story Concept and Premise
The story is a blend of Fantasy, History, and Mythology, which immediately suggests an epic scale and a richly detailed world.
* The Conflict: The core premise is a classic mythological conflict: the return of a defeated, powerful race—the Nephil'im—who seek to "recapture the past glories of their ancient kingdoms." This sets up a high-stakes, world-altering struggle.
* The Antagonists (Nephil'im): Drawing on Judeo-Christian and other ancient mythologies, the Nephil'im are often depicted as giant, powerful, or semi-divine beings. Their survival of a cosmic event (the "flood sent by El") makes them formidable and suggests they possess immense power or cunning. Their motive is clear and compelling: reclaiming their lost empire.
* The Deity (El): "El" is a prominent Semitic name for God, often associated with a high, creator deity. His past action (the flood) and his current strategy ("chosen a different weapon for their destruction") raise the stakes. The new weapon—the Sword of Elam—is an intriguing and mysterious element. Is it a person, a relic, or a force of nature? This uncertainty is a great hook.
* Tone: The opening blurb sets a serious, epic, and apocalyptic tone. The 18+ rating also suggests mature themes, violence, or complex moral dilemmas, fitting for a story of this nature.
The Setup and Structure (The Chapter List)
The setup, as revealed by the chapter list, strongly suggests a serialized work, likely a web novel or long-running fantasy series. The order of the chapters is unusual and immediately raises questions about the intended reading experience.
| Chapter No. (Reading Order?) | Title | ID and Date Entered | Analysis |
|---|---|---|---|
| #16 | Prologue | Feb 10, 2013 | Placing the prologue at the end of the default list is highly unusual. It might indicate the author intended the main action to begin first, or the "Default Order" is actually reverse-chronological by entry date. |
| #15 - #4 | The Mask, Terah am Shem, Marduk Answers, King Zimrilim, Feast at Poleg Palace, Rapha Returns, etc. | Feb 11 - Feb 24, 2013 | These titles are packed with proper nouns (Terah, Shem, Marduk, Zimrilim, Rapha) and locations/events (Poleg Palace, King's Road, The Royal Khanate). This is excellent for world-building, suggesting a rich, ancient historical or mythological setting, likely Sumerian/Babylonian/Canaanite inspired. They suggest political maneuvering, military action, and individual character arcs. |
| #1 | Sebu's Blockade | April 21, 2013 | This chapter was entered last, over two months after the others, yet is listed as #1. This strongly suggests the "Default Order" is meant to be the intended reading order, with chapters being numbered in reverse of when they were written/uploaded. This indicates a non-linear or a heavily revised publishing process. |
The Structural Impression (Potential Reading Order)
If we assume the chapter numbers (#1, #2, #3...) denote the intended reading order, the narrative is structured to:
* Start with Action (#1 Sebu's Blockade): Throws the reader immediately into a military/strategic conflict, a blockade.
* Establish Setting and Stakes (#2 - #5): Introduces the political landscape (The Royal Khanate), character motives (The Plan), a key character's return (Rapha Returns), and a major location (King's Road Arrival, Feast at Poleg Palace).
* The Main Narrative Thread (#6 - #16): The rest of the chapters, like "The Challenge" and "Meeting of the Minds," are likely the core political and military developments leading up to the final reveal of the "Prologue" (if it is meant to be read last, as a wrap-up or post-climax reflection) or the author simply uploaded them out of sequence.
Overall Impression and Tips for Improvement
| Area | Review | Tip for Improvement |
|---|---|---|
| Concept | Excellent. The mythological foundation (Nephil'im, El, the Flood) provides a powerful, ready-made epic conflict. | Focus on the "Sword of Elam." Ensure the nature and power of this weapon are revealed organically to sustain the central mystery and promise of the premise. |
| World-Building | Strong. The use of evocative, historical/mythological names (Zimrilim, Marduk, Shem, Poleg) suggests a deeply researched and mature setting. | Clarify the relationship between the human/mortal characters and the Nephil'im/divine elements. How do ordinary people fight god-like beings? |
| Structure | Confusing. The default chapter list is numbered in a seemingly non-standard order (#16 is Prologue, #1 is the last-entered chapter). This creates a barrier for a first-time reader. | Clearly designate the intended reading order. Use the "Sort list by..." feature (or a note) to ensure "Default Order" aligns with the author's preferred narrative flow. If the Prologue is truly meant to be read first, it should be marked as Chapter 0 or Chapter 1. |
| Hook | Effective. The logline is tight, action-oriented, and immediately establishes the stakes and the unique element (El's "different weapon"). | Maintain the pace established by the chapter titles. Titles like "The Challenge" and "Marduk Answers" promise high drama and swift conflict. |
In conclusion, "The Sword of Elam" has the makings of a compelling, action-packed mythological fantasy. The setup promises an epic narrative rich with ancient history and divine conflict. The main area for improvement is simply making the intended reading order immediately clear to the audience.
Do you have a specific chapter you'd like me to analyze, or are you interested in a general search to learn more about the mythological figures referenced, like the Nephil'im or King Zimrilim?

sindbad


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19
19
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Tim Chiu

This is a beautiful and clearly heartfelt poem, filled with sincere admiration for your girlfriend. It paints a picture of a love that is not just romantic but also supportive, enduring, and deeply respectful.
Overall Impression
"My Angel's Pleasure: A Beautiful Time" is a powerful expression of deep devotion and reverence. Your love for your partner radiates from every line, showcasing appreciation for her inner qualities (her "heart, mind, and soul," "instructive instincts," and "humanistic purpose") as well as her outward grace ("awesome beauty," "fashionable looks," and "sweet aura").
The recurring theme of your partner as an "angel" is established strongly through images like her "blessed wings" and the idea of her being "heaven sent," which elevates your love to a spiritual, almost transcendent level. The poem's greatest strength is the sincerity and comprehensive nature of your admiration, leaving no doubt as to the depth of your bond and commitment to be her "practical, forever partner."
Tips for Improvement
Your poem is strong in feeling, but here are a few structural and word-choice suggestions that could make the imagery and rhythm even more impactful:
1. Focus on Image-Driven Language
Many of your descriptions use abstract nouns and adjectives that are a bit general. For example, lines like "A blessing of triumph, / Support, and evidence of excellence" are a wonderful sentiment, but they don't create a clear image for the reader.
* Try to show, not just tell. Instead of saying "Her excitement sings with emphatic scope," you could try a line that uses a more concrete action, like: "Her excitement, a bright bell chime, rings in every room." This uses a specific image (a bell chime) to show the emphatic scope.
* Similarly, for "Her grace and glamour project / Proven methods / Of productive implementation," you might try to capture that grace with a movement or a visual, such as: "Her grace, a river flowing with purpose, carves new, productive paths."
2. Streamline Adjectives and Phrases
You often pair multiple similar adjectives (e.g., "jovial completeness and jubilation," "romantic and total vigor," "glowing and auspicious, quality change"). While this emphasizes your point, it can sometimes slow down the poem's momentum and make the phrases feel slightly redundant.
* Be ruthless in choosing the single, most perfect word. For instance, instead of "A strong and devoted condition / Of safety and concern," you could try: "Her deep devotion builds a fortress wall / Of safety and true concern." By replacing the multiple adjectives with a stronger, singular verb ("builds") and a metaphor ("fortress wall"), the idea becomes more potent and concise.
3. Review Rhythm and Flow
The poem is written in free verse, which is great, but some line breaks feel a bit arbitrary, interrupting the flow of the sentence or thought.
* Read the poem aloud and listen to where your natural breath pauses. Do the line breaks align with that rhythm?
* For example, the section:
> Her blessed wings exhibit / A capable strength / And extended abilities - / To consider, cope with, and coincide with / Life’s values and controlling limits;
>
This could be revised for a stronger, more fluid reading. Consider grouping the ideas more logically:
> Her blessed wings hold capable strength,
> An extended power to consider,
> To cope and to coincide with
> Life's values and its controlling limits.
>
Overall, this is a moving declaration of love with a beautiful, loyal heart at its center. By focusing on more vivid imagery and streamlining your powerful descriptors, you can make this tribute shine even brighter.
What part of your partner's character was the most important for you to capture in this poem?

sindbad


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20
20
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Samuel E

This is a fantastic start! For a "total newbie," you've clearly got a vivid imagination and a good handle on creating a structured, disciplined environment. That's a huge plus for sci-fi, especially military sci-fi.
Here is an honest review, broken down into what you're doing well and where you can focus on making improvements.
Overall Impression
You've successfully created a high-concept, epic setting and an intensely disciplined, almost dystopian military atmosphere. The script immediately establishes the scope of the Human Planetary Empire—Tier 2 civilization, FTL travel, trillions of humans, and a war against "barbarian hordes." You then quickly zoom in on the main character's experience, which is one of machine-like routine. The contrast between the grand scale and the suffocating rigidity of the training base is a very strong foundation.
Your pacing is deliberate, perfectly conveying the monotony and clockwork nature of the cadets' lives. The ending with Admiral Drox's speech is a classic, rousing finale that leaves the reader pumped up for the next stage of the story.
What You're Doing Well (Strengths)
* World-Building Scope: You jump right into the big picture, hitting key sci-fi elements like Kardashev scale, FTL travel (the "arrays"), and a unified humanity that has moved past old conflicts. This gives the story a sense of immense importance and scale.
* Atmosphere: The training base is instantly memorable. The use of the bells and the 6 minutes and 30 seconds countdown are brilliant details that make the regiment feel oppressive and real. The constant emphasis on silence and precision is a very effective way to show, not just tell, the discipline of the U.P.F.
* Concrete Details: The "colorless and tasteless nutrient paste", the punishment of being sent to a Martian mining operation for five days, and the "deafening bang heard from the deepest ends of the universe" are all great specific details that elevate the writing and keep the reader engaged.
* Purposeful Ending: Admiral Drox's speech successfully shifts the tone from mundane routine to grand purpose. It’s a good rallying cry that provides the emotional payoff for enduring the repetitive morning ritual.
Tips for Improvement (Constructive Criticism)
To better your writing skills, the biggest area to focus on is showing the story through action and scene rather than using long paragraphs of exposition.
1. Reduce the Opening Exposition
The first three paragraphs are all background information. In a script, you want to get into the action as quickly as possible. The information is great, but it slows down the momentum.
* The Problem: We're told all about the empire's size, scale, and history upfront.
* The Fix: Weave this information into the scene. For example:
* Instead of saying they have FTL travel via "arrays," maybe the character walks past a holographic schematic of an array installation on their way to the mess hall.
* Instead of saying "Trillions of humans are part of the empire," have a small detail in the training base: "The nutrient paste packaging, labeled in twelve galactic dialects, listed the ingredients." This is a quick way to imply the massive, diverse, allied empire without an info-dump.
2. Strengthen the Main Character's Voice
The script is written in the second person ("You"), which is a stylistic choice. If you stick with that, you need to make the reader feel like they are that character, and the character needs a stronger internal life.
* The Problem: The character feels more like a camera observing the routine than a person experiencing it. We know they are "hardwired" and "machine-like," but they still have thoughts (the "incredibly rare daydreaming," the "discreet grin"). These moments are great, but they are too brief.
* The Fix: Lean into the internal conflict and observation.
* What does the character think about Admiral Drox's speech? Is it inspiring, or just more programming?
* When he sees his comrades, why are they "brothers and sisters"? Give us a tiny memory or observation about one of them—a scar, a nervous tick, a shared moment of pain during training. This grounds the epic scale with human connection.
* When the CO catches his grin: Instead of "Fear visibly flashes over your face," which is telling, show the physical reaction: "A chill spiked the character's back. He instantly wiped the pride from his lips, his jaw locking back into the practiced, neutral line."
3. Vary Sentence Structure and Imagery
The language used to describe the discipline is very repetitive (which, ironically, works to convey the repetition, but can tire the reader).
* You use the word "bell" 10 times in three paragraphs.
* You use "silence/silent/sound" 9 times in those same paragraphs.
* The Fix: Try to describe the same idea with different language:
* Instead of "The sound of a bell is heard," try: "A sharp chime." or "The hall speaker chirped once." or "A mechanical ding sliced the silence."
* Vary the "silence" with other sensory details: "The only noise the hum of the ventilation." or "The tension was so thick you could taste the metal in the air."
Final Takeaway
You have a strong premise and a firm grasp of atmosphere. The concept of a vast, peaceful empire defended by an intensely drilled, almost inhuman military force is compelling.
Your next steps should be to trim the opening paragraphs and get us into the character's head during the routine. Show us the internal life of the soldier whose entire existence has been sacrificed to the "glory of the human empire." What does he feel when he looks at the giant spaceship, or when he hears that powerful speech?
Keep writing and honing those details—they are your biggest strength!

sindbad


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21
21
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi
Bruce

This is a nice piece and I did notice it in please review section with these parameters written by you - Final chapter. Does this stand alone or is it difficult reading without knowing the previous chapters? Are there any unnoticed typo's or errors?

This chapter, Chapter 43 of "Zing. Cheshire 1966," is a well-structured and emotionally resonant piece of writing. It effectively captures the themes of nostalgia, regret, the passage of time, and the enduring strength of a current relationship.
Detailed Review and Critique
Stand-Alone Readability
This chapter stands alone very well as a snapshot of Brian's life and a moment of crisis regarding his past.
* Strong Characters and Clear Conflict: Brian and Lynn's current situation is immediately clear: they have a successful marriage, grown children, and a loving, established life. The central conflict—Brian's unexpected re-encounter with his former flame, Helen—is introduced and resolved entirely within the chapter.
* Contextual Clarity: While the chapter title and some references (like "The Ship Inn," "Minstrels," and previous friends Badger and George) suggest a history in "Barfield" from the '60s, the narrative provides enough context for the reader to understand the significance of these places and people to Brian without having read the preceding chapters. The mention of George seducing Helen's sister Trish is a self-contained piece of gossip that explains the failure of that past relationship.
* Thematically Complete: The chapter has a clear arc: a chance meeting, a planned clandestine meeting, a moment of moral crisis for Brian, and a reaffirmation of his love for his wife, Lynn, with a parallel resolution from Helen's perspective. A new reader will get a complete and satisfying story from this chapter alone.
Plot and Character Development
The chapter is divided logically into three sections (\text{♂, ♀, and } \text{҉}) which provide a rounded perspective on the events:
* Brian's Perspective (\text{♂}): This section is the longest and most critical. It effectively conveys Brian's internal struggle. The initial excitement of seeing Helen is contrasted with the settled comfort of his life with Lynn. His decision not to go to Helen's house—sitting by the electric clock, watching the minutes pass—is a beautifully tense moment that represents the psychological battle between past fantasy and present reality. His final realization, "I was pleased that she was my wife and realised how lucky I was to be married to her and how I had almost put the wonderful life that I had with her in jeopardy," is a powerful, earned conclusion.
* Lynn's Perspective (\text{♀}): This shorter section provides a critical counterpoint. It shows the genuine, lasting passion in her marriage to Brian. Her playful seduction is not just a scene of intimacy; it acts as an unintentional test and a firm anchor for Brian, reminding the reader and Brian of what he nearly sacrificed. The humorous timing of her parents' arrival prevents the scene from becoming merely a steamy interlude and adds a final, life-affirming (and slightly comedic) touch of reality.
* Helen's Perspective (\text{҉}): This brief, final scene perfectly ties up the loose end of the missed meeting. It shows that her curiosity about "how it would have been" is also purely nostalgic. Her mother's advice to "look forward not back" echoes Brian's own decision, confirming that the past is where it belongs for both of them. Her casual, slightly dismissive reference to her current husband, "Mister Blobby," highlights the contrast with the passionate reunion happening simultaneously in Brian's house, subtly justifying Brian's choice.
Unnoticed Typographical Errors or Errors
The text is generally clean and well-edited, which is a credit to the author. I found only one minor stylistic inconsistency that could be easily addressed:
* Typo/Inconsistency: In the final paragraph of Brian's section, the line "I thought of Lynn. Maybe the four of us could go out together" is immediately followed by, "I realised that wasn't a good idea and knew Lynn would be upset if she knew what I was thinking. How would I feel if she met one of her old boyfriends and asked me to make up a foursome for a drink and a chat?"
* Suggestion: "Foursome" is often written as one word or with a hyphen: four-some. However, the current spelling is not technically incorrect, just less common.
There are no major typographical errors, spelling mistakes, or grammatical errors. The chapter is ready for publication as is.
Overall Impression and Tips for Improvement
* Overall Impression: This is a highly engaging and mature chapter. The voice is authentic, Brian's internal monologue feels real, and the shift in perspectives is effective and intelligent. The author skillfully uses details—like the grey hair, Colin's smoking lines, the false ticking of the electric clock, and Lynn's Aftermath CD—to ground the story firmly in the reality of middle age and the early millennium.
* Tips for Improvement (Minor Polish):
* Focus on Sensory Detail in the Bar: When Brian is in The Ship Inn, the description is mainly about what isn't there ("none of the old crowd," "no young people"). A brief, sharp description of the "major alterations inside"—a specific color of paint, a modern fixture, a scent—could make the sense of loss/change more immediate and visceral for Brian.
* "Unintentional Put-Down": The line, "Two years. I didn't think you'd last that long," is Brian's self-assessment of his comment. This is a very minor point, but removing the self-analysis and simply letting Helen's reaction stand would make the dialogue slightly more natural: Helen ignored my unintentional put-down. (The current text is fine, but this is a chance to show rather than tell.)
The chapter is a success, delivering an honest look at the tension between the past and the present...sindbad


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22
22
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Tim Chiu

This is a lovely, uplifting poem that clearly conveys a message of faith, modesty, and spiritual devotion. The poet, Tim Chiu, uses a consistent structure and a strong thematic focus, making the overall impression positive and encouraging.
Overall Impression
"A Life of Modesty: Love’s Clouds" is a heartfelt piece of devotional poetry. The central theme revolves around living a humble, faithful life ("A gentle flow, that featured progress," "Honor goodness, face the day!") and finding guidance and love in a divine presence ("The Light of Jesus," "The Mighty Father’s grace adores us"). The language is rich with positive, inspiring words like "tender visions," "purest prayers," "Heaven’s glory," and "kindness." The regular quatrain structure (four-line stanzas) with a consistent AABB or ABCB rhyme scheme gives the poem a gentle, predictable, and almost hymn-like rhythm, which suits the inspirational topic well.
Tips for Improvement
While the sentiment is strong, here are a few suggestions to make the poem even more impactful:
1. Focus on Image Consistency and Clarity
Some of the lines are beautifully descriptive, but others use language that is slightly abstract or a bit unclear when paired with the surrounding imagery.
* Review Metaphors and Imagery: In the fourth stanza, lines like "Spirits’ shooting stars gleam fabric" and "Billing calmness, volumes, magic" are highly conceptual. While evocative, try to make the connections between the images more concrete. For example, what specific "fabric" is the spirit's light gleaming on?
* Check for Jarring Shifts: The final stanza moves from "Wondrous scriptures, hymns of worship" and "Yuletide’s blessings, choirs - a chorus!" to the line "Santa Claus - a radar’s blip." This inclusion of Santa Claus, and the sudden technological metaphor of a "radar's blip," creates an abrupt and slightly disruptive shift in tone and image from the preceding lines focused on scriptural and spiritual worship. Consider if a different image would sustain the focus on the divine grace mentioned in the final line.
2. Sharpen the Word Choices
There are a few instances where a word choice feels slightly forced or awkward to fit the meter or rhyme scheme:
* "Hearts fete egress" (Stanza 1): While "egress" means an exit or a way out, the phrase feels a bit stiff and perhaps overly formal compared to the rest of the poem. Consider a phrase that more clearly expresses what the tender visions are leading the hearts toward.
* "Forthright’s deathly - strife’s curricular" (Stanza 2): This line is challenging to parse. Is "Forthright's deathly" meant to mean that straightforwardness is fatal, or that a death is straightforward? "Strife’s curricular" is a very unusual and abstract compound phrase. Clarifying the idea here would greatly strengthen the message of the stanza.
3. Vary the Meter and Rhythm
The rhythm is very consistent, which provides a soothing quality, but it also becomes a little predictable.
* Experiment with Stress: Try to vary the placement of stressed syllables slightly within the lines. A few lines feel like the rhythm is a bit labored to maintain the structure. Giving the reader a few rhythmic surprises can enhance the emotional power and keep the reader's ear engaged.
A Note of Encouragement
This poem is clearly written from a place of deep sincerity and conviction, which is its greatest strength. The lines "Value first’s - the plan He proffers… / Honor goodness, face the day! / Trust in Him, and never stray" offer a powerful and practical message of faith. It's a testament to the poet's commitment to sharing an uplifting, inspirational message with the reader.
Do you have a favorite stanza in the poem, or were you aiming for a specific emotional effect with any of the stanzas?
Please do give an update..sindbad


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23
23
Review of Kidnapped  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Just Jae

This chapter, titled "Kidnapped," is a tightly packed action sequence that successfully resolves the cliffhanger from the previous section while immediately setting up a new mystery. It showcases the party's various skills and effectively moves the core plot forward. So I have focused on some positive take that I will utilise for drafting a review and some challenges though they don't effect the story of the plot, but it's an effective means to improve on the writing or drafting skills, nowadays so many different tools are available a writer or an author can show subsequent restrains.
Detailed Review
Synopsis
The chapter begins the morning after the group's arrival at the inn, with Skrie (the halfling cleric) gathering information. She observes locals, merchants, and the suspicious movements of Sergeant Goston and the merchant guards. After a brief ruse, Skrie discovers her friend, Malusk, has been charmed and kidnapped by the half-elf woman, Reisha, and the wagon is gone.
The party—Skrie, Garrick, and Theren—pursue Reisha, Malusk, and the bandits. They ride into an ambush, which Skrie handles expertly by diving for cover and quickly eliminating a crossbowman. Theren's spellcasting and Malusk's charmed state are showcased during the confusing fight. After freeing Malusk from Reisha’s charm (thanks to Skrie's lucky shot), they discover the wagon was carrying heavy weaponry, wine, and ale.
They take the wagon to Fort Bridale where they deliver the arms and expose Reisha's abandoned guards and the possibly corrupt Sergeant Goston. The goods are confiscated, Goston is arrested, and the party is left to ponder the motive behind the kidnapping and the stolen supplies, setting the stage for the next phase of their adventure.
Areas of Strength 💪
* Effective Use of Skills in Combat: The ambush scene is fast-paced and well-executed, highlighting the unique talents of the party:
* Skrie's quick thinking: Diving from a moving horse and instantly targeting the threat (the crossbowman in the tree) establishes her as a pragmatic, capable leader.
* Theren's spellcasting: The spell that creates a sudden darkness to blind the ambushers is clever and tactical, showing magic used for strategic defense rather than just brute force.
* Malusk's raw strength: Even while charmed, his immense power is weaponized ("pop you like a pimple"), emphasizing the danger of his condition.
* Mystery and Intrigue: The resolution of the Malusk kidnapping immediately pivots into the Goston mystery. The goods stolen weren't gold or jewels, but military supplies (crossbows, helms) and alcohol. This raises the central question: Did Goston plan to sell the goods to the Lieutenant, or does he have an unseen, larger buyer? This keeps the reader engaged and looking forward to the next steps.
* Economy of Dialogue (Dayne): The barman Dayne is quickly established as a kind, loyal, and helpful ally. His anger over Malusk's betrayal is believable, and his willingness to immediately offer his own horse and help the party saddle up is a great example of a supportive secondary character.
* Skrie’s Disguise and Observation: The opening sequence effectively establishes Skrie as an intelligent investigator. Her observations about the inn's construction, the town's activities, and the quiet surveillance of the key players (Goston, bounty hunter) build tension and prove her competence before the action begins.
Areas for Opportunity (Weaknesses) 🤔
* Malusk's Emotional State: Malusk's abrupt transition from "fuming," "whining," and "cooped up" to being easily charmed and driving a wagon for a stranger is too sudden and lacking in internal conflict. Since he is a huge, powerful character, the charm must feel immediately irresistible. The narrative needs to convey the charm's power more forcefully—perhaps a line about his eyes glazing over or his movements becoming slow and robotic—to make his compliance plausible.
* The Ambush Resolution: While the fight is exciting, the half-elf's motivation for casting the second spell to free Malusk, only to have him walk "across the road and through the forest" before she leaped into the brush, is unclear. Did she accidentally free him, or was she trying to disorient the party? Clarifying her intent would strengthen the scene.
* Repetitive Exposition: The conversation with the two merchant guards at Fort Bridale involves too many reiterations of the same information: they were hired, Reisha took off, she didn't pay them, and they need coin. This information could be condensed into a single, punchier summary by Sergeant Stiles or the guards themselves.
* Pacing in the Pursuit: The description of the party’s chase after Malusk is very descriptive of the physical obstacles (the exploding earth, turning trees), but less descriptive of the urgency and personal connection to their friend. Adding a brief thought from Skrie or Garrick about their fear for Malusk’s life or mind would enhance the emotional stakes during the chase...sindbad


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24
24
Review of A Clown's Tears  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Redtowrite

This is a deeply emotional and well-structured story about a father's love, sacrifice, and eventual redemption. It tackles heavy themes like addiction, loss, disability, and the power of unconditional love.
Here is a detailed review of the story, covering its strengths and offering a few tips for improvement.
Overall Impression
"A Clown's Tears" is a moving and impactful narrative. The author successfully crafts a character in Auguste who embodies profound sacrifice and inner conflict. The story's progression from a horrific tragedy to a journey of physical and emotional healing is compelling. The central theme—that true beauty and love lie beyond superficial appearances—is powerfully delivered, primarily through the innocent, yet wise, perspective of his daughter, Angela. The final scenes between father and daughter are deeply satisfying and provide a beautiful resolution to years of separation and pain.
Strengths of the Story
1. Powerful Emotional Core
The love between Auguste and Angela is the story's anchor. The opening paragraph immediately establishes his devotion to his "princess," making his self-blame after the fire poignant and understandable. The scene where Angela finally finds him is the emotional climax and is executed brilliantly.
2. Strong Characterization
* Auguste: He is a complex protagonist. His flaws (his persistent "sickness" of loving his ex-wife, Angelina, and his misguided decision to hide his injuries from Angela) make him human. His eventual transformation into "the Clown of the Circus" is a wonderful metaphor for his healing and finding a new purpose.
* Helene: She is a necessary and well-drawn supporting character. She provides a realistic, practical perspective on the tragedy and serves as the unwavering caretaker for Angela, providing the stability Auguste was unable to give.
3. Effective Pacing and Structure
The story moves logically through several distinct phases:
* Tragedy: The fire and immediate aftermath.
* The Struggle: Auguste's critical condition, his decision to disappear from Angela's life, and his initial recovery.
* Redemption & Purpose: His time at "A Home for Supermen," his bond with Terry, finding his clowning passion, and preparing a home for Angela.
* Resolution: The reunion with Angela and their shared path to healing others.
This structure keeps the reader engaged, showing the long, difficult path to recovery.
4. Compelling Symbolism
The author uses powerful symbols effectively:
* The Clown: It represents Auguste's ability to create a "mask" to feel whole, yet his tear-streaked face at the reunion shows the true man underneath. It is his new self, a source of joy and healing, born from his pain.
* Angela's Insight: Her quote, "Those burns are badges of love and courage, Papa," is the story's most resonant line. It immediately reframes his injuries from a source of shame to a symbol of his heroic sacrifice.
Tips for Improvement
1. Clarify the 'Cocoa Bean' Reference
The repeated mention of the "cocoa bean" as a drug term is confusing. While the context implies it is a street drug (cocaine, perhaps?), the phrase itself is not a common or universally understood slang term. This ambiguity detracts from the severity of Angelina's addiction.
* Suggestion: Use a clearer, more recognized euphemism or term for the drug, or specify that it is a local or made-up term that Auguste uses if you wish to keep the mystery.
2. Tighten the Technical/Medical Descriptions
The long sections describing Auguste's medical complications, though accurate, slow the narrative flow. While they effectively illustrate his suffering, some of the very specific medical terms and lists of complications (sepsis, metabolic problems, pulmonary embolus, etc.) could be streamlined or described in more emotional, visceral terms rather than clinical ones.
* Suggestion: Focus less on listing every possible complication and more on a few key, terrifying details (like the smell of dead tissue or the screaming in the whirlpool) to convey the sheer magnitude of his ordeal.
3. Refine Dialogue Tag Placement
The dialogue is strong, especially in the final scenes, but sometimes the tags and descriptions are fragmented, particularly in the initial fire scene. For example:
> "Help us.... fire at Seventeen Treetop Lane... we' re trapped. 6th floor bedroom. I can get to a bathroom window. Another door is really hot.... people are crying!"
>
* Suggestion: Ensure that the speaker is always clearly identified and the rhythm of the emergency conversation is kept tight.
4. Review Minor Word Choices and Consistency
There are a few instances of typos or minor grammatical issues that distract slightly from the polished feel of the piece:
* "Angela, seven years old, was a asthmatic" (should be "an asthmatic")
* "...Helene had rquested that he be transported..." (should be "requested")
* "He could not let her go and that is why she and her unemployed, useless boyfriend were living in his apartment." (The logic here is slightly strained—it was his continuing love, not the inability to "let her go," that was the reason he kept them, as clarified later.)
These are minor clean-up points, however, and do not damage the integrity of the story.
Conclusion
"A Clown's Tears" is a beautifully tragic and ultimately uplifting story of a father's enduring love. The author succeeds in making the reader root for Auguste and deeply appreciate the wisdom of Angela. The payoff of their reunion is well-earned and emotionally cathartic. It is a powerful story that leaves a lasting impression about courage, forgiveness, and the true meaning of a "normal family."

sindbad


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25
25
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Tim Chiu

That is a heartfelt poem expressing deep Christian faith and devotion! You've captured a strong sense of reverence, hope, and commitment to spiritual life. I have reviewed a lot of your poem and writing, one thing always glues me to them is the deep understanding and signature that one can associate with their heart is very well captured.
Here is a detailed review with suggested areas for improvement to strengthen the poem's rhythm, imagery, and word choice.
Detailed Review and Areas for Improvement
1. Rhyme and Rhythm (Meter)

You consistently use an AABB rhyme scheme (couplets), which gives the poem a steady, march-like rhythm. However, some lines feel clunky or have an inconsistent number of syllables, disrupting the flow.
* Inconsistent Meter:
* Stanza 1: "Hearts and spirits zoom, recaptured;" (A bit awkward, 'zoom' is very informal and modern against the solemn tone).
* Stanza 2: "The leading cause for His spans visions!" (This line is difficult to parse grammatically and rhythmically. "His spans visions" is confusing.)
* Stanza 4: "Serve The Glory - stand, be ready -" (This line is shorter and more choppy than the others.)
* Suggested Improvement: Read the poem aloud, focusing on making sure each line in a stanza has a similar number of syllables and a natural-sounding stress pattern (e.g., eight syllables per line is common for this type of rhyming verse).
2. Diction and Imagery
The poem is very abstract, relying on broad concepts like "faith," "grace," "glory," and "power." To make the poem more vivid and impactful, try to use concrete imagery—words that appeal to the five senses.
* Vague or Informal Word Choices:
* "Hearts and spirits zoom, recaptured;" ("Zoom" is jarringly out of place. Consider words like soar, ascend, or are renewed.)
* "Inspiring strength and modern leanings." (The phrase "modern leanings" is unclear. Does it refer to modern life, or a tendency? It pulls the poem into a contemporary space that might not fit the ancient feel of the faith.)
* "Heaven’s spires, healthy meanings!" (While "healthy" is positive, it's a weak adjective for a profound concept like God's purpose. Consider sacred truths, deepest truths, or holy doctrine.)
* Repetitive or Cliché Imagery: Phrases like "Preaching kindness, warmth, and love" are beautiful but common.
* Suggested Improvement: Replace abstract nouns with strong verbs and tangible imagery. For example, instead of "Preaching kindness, warmth, and love," you might write: Like morning sun, His Word imparts / A gentle warmth to seeking hearts.
3. Syntax and Grammar (Clarity)
A few lines are grammatically confusing, which obscures the meaning.
* Stanza 2, Line 1: "The leading cause for His spans visions!"
* Analysis: This line seems to say that the leading cause is visions that God spans, but the syntax is scrambled. If you mean that God's comprehensive visions are the leading cause of something (perhaps of being amazed and blessed), rewrite it to be clearer.
* Rewrite Option: The leading source of His wide visions, (Focuses on God being the source.)
* Stanza 5, Line 3: "A sweet decision, fateful hour…"
* Analysis: This line is an incomplete thought or fragment. While poetic license allows this, in this context, it breaks the continuity of the preceding lines about Heaven's aim and victory.
* Suggested Improvement: Ensure that each line or couplet can stand as a clear, complete thought or image.
4. Use of Punctuation
You use hyphens, commas, and ellipses, but they are not used consistently to guide the reader through the pauses and rhythm.
* Inconsistent Commas/Hyphens:
* "Serve The Glory - stand, be ready -" (The use of two hyphens here makes the line feel broken apart.)
* Consider using more exclamation points to enhance the sense of awe and praise, as befits the subject matter.
Summary of Key Actions
| Area | Suggested Action | Example of Fix (Stanza 2) |
|---|---|---|
| Rhythm/Meter | Ensure an equal number of syllables in rhyming lines for a smoother flow. | His leading light unfolds our visions; |
| Diction/Clarity | Replace abstract, vague, or informal words (e.g., 'zoom', 'healthy meanings', 'modern leanings'). | Amazed and blessed by Love’s decisions, |
| Imagery | Introduce concrete nouns and strong verbs to make the descriptions more vivid. | He strengthens souls and guides our leanings; |
| Syntax | Correct grammatically confusing lines like "The leading cause for His spans visions!" | We hail His truths, His holy meanings! |
Overall, you have a beautiful foundation built on powerful religious sentiment. Focusing on clarifying the imagery and smoothing the meter will elevate the poem from a heartfelt prayer to a truly impactful piece of devotional verse. Keep writing!

sindbad


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