First off thank you for allowing us to read your work. This is deep, really deep. It's point blank but still promotes imagery. You can easily see physical abuse, heartache and break and emotional turmoil presented in this piece. You did a fabulous job!
This piece I rather enjoyed it made me think about all those little things I do in my day to day life that really are unimportant in the scheme of things. I think I was past due for a reality check. So thank you and keep up the great work!
WRITE ON!!!
Simplyme3113
I will be taking the time to read through the rest of your stories. I found this one to be most entertaining. This piece gave the reader (that's me ) the option of really trying to figure out the clues of the poem on my own then also explained them. Therefore, I was not left frustrated wondering if I had been close. Wonderful work! Some of the best written work I have come across.
K.U.T.G.W
I thought this was great I could almost smell the cigarette smoke. Below I have some comments, questions, and suggestions hopefully you are not offended by anything I put it is just intended as ideas and to be helpful.
Suggestion: you have "handing the slip back to a space two feet away from me" personally I think if you went a little further something like "thrusting the slip back, her disinterest showing as the held slip hovered two feet away from me"
Suggestion: you have "A door opens and then shuts heavily downstairs. A long scratch glares at me from the toes of my now-dulled boots: a souvenir from my earlier pouting." I suggest switching the lines so the next sentence flows better with the story??
Suggestion: when you talk about the feet landing on the stairs possibly add "heavy feet" it helps the imagination to envision the thunk, thunk.
Question: Did you mean to capitalize certain words such as tobacco and "watch My palm"
Question: I believe am not certain but believe it should just be aircraft with no s unless you are referring to a specific aircraft.
My favorite part: I look down and my father is looking back up at me with wide eyes. “Please, I don’t want to die,” he wheezes, squeezing my hand with all his might. I lean down and put my mouth next to his ear so he would be sure hear me and I tell him, “this is your responsibility; this is the required pain and suffering.”
Kara
Amen. A few of your contrasts read like a page from my Diary I am naturally drawn to poetry when it comes to reviewing but your piece pulled me in and kept me there entirely start to finish. It is amazing to see some of the ironies of life put into word form. Keep up the good work I hope to see more of it. ~Have a great day!
I could picture the gentle yet occasionally frantic dance of a candles flame while reading this. I personally found this to be a bit soothing kind of like meditation for the mind I can not wait to see what else you have or come up with. Keep up the great work!!!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/simplyme3113
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 12:46am on Dec 27, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
) the option of really trying to figure out the clues of the poem on my own then also explained them. Therefore, I was not left frustrated wondering if I had been close. Wonderful work! Some of the best written work I have come across.