Hello: Ben Crawford. I've read Unbound Words, Chapter 1 for your ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** and here are my thoughts.
First Impression: Not a real fan of the weirdly worded world of fantasy, I found this piece, written in real English, interesting and refreshing. While the characters had odd names, they weren't over the top and I found I could pronounce them in my head. (This ability is important to me as I do not want to be bogged down attempting to pronounce them ... it impacts the flow of the story for me. It a preoccupation I don't like.)
While I know I'm not in Kansas anymore, yet you ensure that I'm comfortable in the place I'm visiting. I recognize carriages and pens. There are things you say are real, like magic and magi. I know they don't exist but your writing is gently matter-of-fact and I find myself believing all of it. Very well done!
Kenton, I like, though his full belief of an unsigned and anonymous letter was a bit of a surprise. I enjoyed it however as it was a good introduction to a variety of characters.
Your story flowed very well and as I said earlier, I liked it, was comfortable joining in on this journey you are taking us on and found it was quite well written.
I found a few little things and they are noted below.
Consider This!
"How am I going to get any work done if the carriage hits every single hole in the road?" he said to himself.
The italics tell the reader something is different, you do not need to add, he said to himself. Your reader will get it.
Dear Quin, This meant they must be on final approach to the capital city of Sayrune.
I'm afraid I don't understand what the above means. Why does, Dear Quin, mean they are on the final approach?
Use of the word seamless is repetitive. Here: and the roads changed from a cobble stone to a smooth seamless stone road.
And in the next paragraph: The streets of the capital city are quite amazing, the seamless stone running through
Consider using flawless in the second: The streets of the capital city are quite amazing, the flawless stone running through
This does not make sense. The shops could not guess what they sold?
Kenton saw Bookbinders, apothecary's, sweet shops and many more shops that could not even guess at what they sold.
Consider: ... and many more shops. Kenton could not even guess at what they sold.
"This must be the new seal of the Magi council; the old seal had five stars for the five headship schools, but now my school makes six," thought Kenton.
We know Kenton is alone in the carriage, again the italics let us know he's thinking, not speaking.
The word classy seemed out of place. IMO it should be removed, as well the sentence is a bit awkward:
She was slender and wore a classy red dress that had a high neck and it flowed long to the floor. Kenton thought her clothing looked to be in the Shenala style, very modest but with a little dramatic flair.
Consider: She was slender and her high necked red dress flowed gracefully to the floor. Kenton thought her clothing to be in the Shenala style, very modest but with a little dramatic flair.
It has been a while; how's your sister, " he replied.
It has been a while. How's your sister?" (During a two-way conversation it is not necessary, nor desired, that you say 'he said', he replied' each time someone speaks.
The word, Kid, seems out of place: "Kid, you do know that you can vote now, right?" said Torin.
I feel that even the irreverent Torin would not speak to Kenton like this. As well, your language is almost formal throughout this story and Kid, does not seem appropriate. I would simply remove it or think of an alternate word for 'kid'. Something that Kenton would understand and make notice of it. For example:
Chermim, you know you can ..., whispered Torin.
Kenton, taken aback by the reference to his youth, sat straighter.
Final Thoughts:
This is a well written, interesting and well thought-out story. I am interested in the characters and enjoyed learning about Kenton and his world.
I look forward to more.
Thanks for sharing. Keep on Writing!
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