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93 Public Reviews Given
100 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I will give the kind of review that I wish people gave me: rather detailed with emphasis on areas that need growth and areas that are pretty good already. And I'll review pretty much anything, whether a poem or an entire novel or anything in between. Admittedly, though, I do tend to be absent-minded, so it does happen that you might have to resend me the review request, but I promise I'll get around to it eventually.
Alternatively, if you ask, I can give you a scathing review with no fluff, if that is what you desire. However, in general, I'll give a polite, padded review.
If you're looking for a reviewer for your novel, I am open to doing chapter by chapter reviews. If that's what you want, please email me.
I'm good at...
editing Fantasy books. I've read more fantasy books than pretty much anybody, and I'm willing to read longer books including novels.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Sci-fi, Non-fiction
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica
Favorite Item Types
Novel, Novella, Book
Least Favorite Item Types
Interactive Stories
I will not review...
anything with graphic descriptions of sex/war and retain discretion to not review books that fall too far outside my moral standards.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Enchantment  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
You follow the form well, weaving something into a bare framework that honestly seems very hard to work with.
It took me a bit to figure it out, perhaps that was intentional, perhaps I should have read the subtitle first. Not sure.
Can't say I liked the feeling of this poem as much as some I've read, but I think that's more the style of the poem than the poem's fault, it doesn't really resound with me. To each their own.
You seem to work the style well. I don't have much suggestion on what to improve, it's grammatically clean to the extent that any critiques can only be subjective, so, nicely done and keep writing!

This is a "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. review.
2
2
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Seeing as I've already reviewed you, I can be a bit more blunt here, so less sandwiching.
Flashbacks: I love them. Flashbacks are a great touch, good for giving background, useful for basing the reader, just flat-out good. However, always italicize your flashbacks. Always. Not only does it give the reader something to go off of, knowing it's a flashback, it's also a lot easier to read and cleaner to edit. It's a nice flashback, by the way, just italicize it. With the new editor (I can show you how to get to it if you don't know how), it's just ctrl+i, same as a google doc or word doc or whatever you use.
Some clever work in here, a lot of dialogue, but very basic dialogue. Maybe I'm just reading it too late at night. I'm sure this work would read a lot better aloud than just on the paper. I can envision some of these lines reading it again having been said in a dramatic tone of voice, but it didn't really come across the first time I read it. Again, maybe i'm reading it too late at night.
Your work is very explanatory. I'm wondering if it will go anywhere. There is something to be said about the ineffectiveness of chapters which can be summed up in just a sentence... it's just too summarizable by "Inspector comes and wants to shut the school down. Perturbing." More detail! Intrigue! Something exciting! Inner-teacher drama! Your school is too prim and proper. Give some teacher strife, something to show it's falling apart, conflict, I don't know. There's just nothing there. (I'm being a bit scathing, but you get the general idea).
But again, I could read it, I got ahold of it, the characters made sense, all that, clean, neat, yeah. Legibility is nice.

This is not as dainty of a "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. review.
3
3
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
A nice chapter, which I was able to follow easily (that's massive, if a reader can't follow it you'd be in big trouble, and I've read a lot that I couldn't), and that made sense, laying a foundation for what's to come. What you'd want in a Chapter 1.
Imma say it, though - the chapter was boring. Nothing really happened, we're just in a serene school, no sense of panic, no worry, no real stakes, just... exposition. Exposition is nice and all, but I could use some motivation to read the rest of the book. Now, as I'm saying this, there is one part that really did draw me in - this line - "And perhaps, just perhaps, she was about to discover that being a small, quiet, mediocre witch on a deprived estate was exactly what The Dollhouse needed to survive." Now that's stakes, that's laying something down, that's interesting! Potential! The rest of it was just words that made sense.
You also use a lot of present tense. Don't. It's as simple as that.
I like your bolding. I don't really like your font. You could probably use italics for thoughts and/or other things, could make it stand out. I get it's hard to have action with just one person, but try showing, not telling - rather than going off and saying "the school is short on money, in ruins, oof" you could have Shirley talking to a candidate saying "we're short on funds, do you realize this?" That would get the same point across in a more interesting matter. Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈 Author IconMail Icon has a bunch of stuff on that subject, he might be slightly crazed about it, to be perfectly honest, but if you're looking for advice, he's always happy to give it.
But you made sense! I can't tell you how many fantasy novels (assuming that's where you're going, given witches) that didn't make sense in the first chapter, and that you have that going for you is splendid. I'll be checking out in the next few days where this story goes, and I hope you stick around and keep writing!

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4
4
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
This is a sad snippet with a nice sentiment at the end, something that could be woven into something larger.
However, it is not.
I think you know your grammar and mechanics could use some work. In the dropnote, I have included what would have been correct grammar, without changing any words. It's a lot easier to read with proper punctuation.
Grammar ▶︎
 Apart from the mechanics and grammar mistakes that make it hard to read, even when it's fixed I'm not sure I understand the point of this work. What does the moral have to do with the story? It's a sad story, yeah, but what holding on is there? How am I supposed to get that out of this?
I mean, it's a sad story... I feel like you could have done so much more with it. Perhaps you could try expanding the story, adding some dialogue? One of the benefits of writing short is the addition of suspense and hitting hard, but neither is really done by this story, it seems like you mostly just rambled a paragraph about something that happened, which you could have done a lot more out of. What happens after? What happens during? What led to it? What could we know about these people? Why should this apply to me? What is the point?
This story, or snippet, I should say, is a start, which is more than most people have, but I can't honestly say it's much more than one. Perhaps you're new to writing. Perhaps this is just a first draft. Perhaps I'm just not reading it right. But from what I can tell, it seems you spent a couple of minutes writing this, figured it was good enough, and then posted it on here, and the state it's in, I can't really say much positive about it, unfortunately. But if you're looking for writing advice from somebody who's really good at writing, you could check out Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈 Author IconMail Icon, he has a lot of good advice on the subject. Maybe he can help you out. Either way, I hope you keep writing, practice makes perfect!

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5
5
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Your poem is very thoughtful, reminiscent, what it intends to be. It's a nice poem through and through.
Some suggestions:
First, your line scheme is in the middle of the line. While it rhymes, it seems like it'd be more intuitive to split it into two lines, the rhyming word ending each line. It would make it easier to read and understand, rather than the big lines.
Second, in your second line (first set), your rhyme scheme isn't the same as the rest of the work, you do "AABA" rather than your rest of the poem "AABB" scheme. Unintentional, I'm sure.
Third, I feel like you could have used some rhythm to this. Surely it wouldn't be that hard, it's not as though you used your thesaurus heavily in this one. As it is, the lack of rhythm is the biggest thing holding it back.
But your poem does come across as both tired and hopeful, old and young, which is exactly what you were going for. Nice job.
Thanks for sharing and keep writing!

This is another late "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. review.
6
6
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I know how you feel, being forced to put on a show like you're ok when everything is falling apart, hiding who you really are - I do it on a regular basis. Sometimes all you can do is wait it out and hope college comes sooner, where you can finally be yourself (or at least that's the hope. reality is often different). Sometimes it feels like they aren't even trying to look at all.
I noticed you have three copies of this in your portfolio. Is this intentional? I suppose it might generate more views, but I'm not sure if that's quite the principle of the matter. Is it a matter of not being able to find how to edit an item? I could help with that if you want.
On to the poem - it really does feel like you're talking into it, not really form, not really reason, just... desperation. Accurate desperation (odd how that works, when you write desperate sentences, the poem sounds desperate), but perhaps could have been spiced up a bit more, to use the term? A little more striking repetition, more hopelessness, more despair? I guess that'd be less accurate, but it could add to the flair of the poem. Perhaps flair isn't what you're going for, perhaps you want validation, understanding? I mean, I know how that feels... it's rough. I do hope it gets better for you somehow. I hope you find a friend. I hope writing can stay an outlet for everything you need to say, and I hope you find this site to be the encouraging community you need. Thanks for sharing.

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7
7
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
You prove your point nicely, leading along a logical pathway to many faceted endings. It made sense and was easy to read, and I do agree with it also.
In your first paragraph, I think the adage is "form follows function". A quibble, perhaps, but nevertheless a quibble.
I think, however, your indisputable points miss the main bulk of the prompt - I think it was more wondering music in general rather than worship music. For example, you miss pop music entirely. Is pop music good or bad? That would be a far more opinionated issue, which I think the prompt-maker intended more.
Your points are indisputable, though, and quite true, and backed up well with verses (citations are not my strength, personally). It is a very technically clean and neat work, legible, nice... just misses the point.
Thanks for sharing, good luck, and keep writing!

This is a slightly overly-pessimistic "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. review.
8
8
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
What a last line. Really brought the whole work under a new perspective, a little humor to brighten up what could be a dark poem, a snicker in a faded world.
Your "No." is another nice touch, cutting off the poem abruptly. Another line that stuck out to me was "deep dark blue blares", nice alliteration was fun to read.
The allegory is a bit hard to understand, although some of that could be accredited to the late hour of which I am writing this, and some poetry is intended to be confusing.
It's kinda nice picturesque language, though albeit I've seen better, with more potent corrolaries.
Yeah, the last line really adds hope to the work, which is really nice.
You use repetition well as well.
Where your work also could use some work - emotion doesn't come out as much as it could. More desperation, perhaps? More impending doom, perhaps? I don't know for sure, nor am I good enough at poetry to explain how such a thing would be done.
I do hope your days brighten up later, thanks for sharing, and keep writing!

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9
9
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Well, horror isn't quite my genre, but this is a crisp work, easy to read and making a lot of sense.
Now that that's over with, what you really want is feedback. Let's start with...

Formatting
I'm sure you can tell from a cursory glance that your first paragraph is a different font than the others. Both make sense, but I do think I actually prefer the second, more basic font as far more legible than the fancy one. Regardless, it is your story and you can pick whatever font you want.
I thought it was an interesting choice how much space you use in your line breaks. It did aid legibility significantly, true, but when it came to dialogue, it didn't really make much sense. A simple one line spacing should work better than your current, which appears to be about four or five lines.
Is it just me or does the font change randomly in other places too? I don't know for sure.

Grammar
In general, your grammar seems pretty sound. A couple of things:
"vicegenarian" - in your first sentence - I have a pretty large vocabulary, but first, google says it should be "vicenarian", but I've also never heard of that. Generally, it's good to use terms your readers know, and while octogenarian might be in people's vocabulary, the "vice-" suffix is not.
""Come out," I said, "You're only prolonging the inevitable."" Something about this sentence seems wrong. I'm not sure what.

Content
I don't think you really needed an 18+ rating on this, but I understand the unsureness.
Well. It comes across as kinda adventurous, kinda suspenseful, but lacking the adventure and suspense, the thrill of the chase. It comes across as the narrator would have said it - bland, boring, just how it is.
The side characters are pretty realistic, which is good. Genuine reactions.

Other
I think... you could have used more description, more creativity in your dialogue, more suspense. Maybe that's not what you were going for, though. It didn't really scare me, it seemed like happy horror.
And I don't know your religion, but that would have been a perfect opportunity, near the end, to show what you believe, to stick up for it. But it is understandable that you don't.

Overall
Overall, this is a neat, crisp work, but one that could use some personality and flavor. It seems, overall, to lack a point. But never the less, all writing is writing, and practice makes perfect. Thanks for sharing and keep writing!

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10
10
Review of An Odd Duck  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a really nice work. I came across it far earlier in the day, and couldn't get the cliffhanger out of my mind, and so I figured I might as well go back and tell you about it. I hadn't ever thought of taking a story like this from the perspective of somebody who isn't the perpetrator, and it was a great idea.
I read it in the first place because I saw "duck" in the title and I love ducks. Sadly, no ducks involved, but still well-written.
I don't know, she makes sense to me. Maybe because I'm an odd duck myself...
"Then, one afternoon, ..." rather than "Then one afternoon, ...", this isn't a journal entry, it seems, as all other grammar and punctuation is perfect, something nobody does on accident.
As I said, amazing cliffhanger, love how there isn't even anything after it, and a nice read overall. Thanks for sharing and keep writing!

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11
11
Review of Winter Fire  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This poem flows really well. I'm always a fan of ellipses (...) and they do seem to add quite a bit to the read-aloud-ability of this poem. The rhythm is simple enough, and the rise and fall of the verses and how it should be read was clear to me, which was really nice.
As for meaning, (although I'm not an expert on meaning, I take things too literally), it was a bit confusing, but I feel as if it would have made a lot of sense had I been able to get my head around what "distant pains we should retire" was referring to. I could get your analogies (impressive, uncommon), but couldn't quite piece it all together. Your simple subtitle did help.
I liked your title, just making sure you intended to repeat the first paragraph in the fourth paragraph, but it did make sense there, the half-as-long verse in the middle a nice touch, and oh, yeah, it was really good how your lines were almost all the same length.
The emotion could have come through a little more, but I'm not sure how I'd do that in your shoes.
All in all, I liked reading this poem (honestly did, most poems are boring to read), and I hope to see more of your work in the future. Thanks for finding your way here, however you did, and keep writing!

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12
12
Review of Life is Good  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well, relieving that this is fiction, not real, otherwise that would have been quite a travesty. One moth causing a disaster for weeks is something the world could indeed use less of.
Your humor at the start and end of the work is a nice touch and far improved what would otherwise have been a rather boring work. The talking seemed real, which was nice, if assumed as a journal entry, which it seems to be.
Some of the grammar isn't perfect, but that just makes it feel more realistic, as most people don't think in complete sentences all the time.
For the sake of a suggestion, unless you want the writer to sound bouncy and hyper, you could use some ellipses (...) or other trails to make it seems less butterfly-y, flitting from one thought to another, rambling. For example, one could be used before the third sentence - "How can two small children do so much damage to the cleanliness of a house in such a short time? ...ok, two small and one huge." Just a suggestion.
This was a nice read from top to bottom. Thanks for sharing and keep writing!

This is a "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. review.
13
13
Review of nonsense  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is some quite nice free verse, reads nicely (unlike a lot of poetry I've come across), interesting enough to keep me reading to the end, and perplexing enough to make me read it through a second time just to make sure I got what it meant.
I will say, your color choice makes it nearly illegible, the light blue only barely showing up on the white background. I know it adds ambiance and atmosphere and does fit the work, but, well, it's almost illegible, especially for some of the older users on here.
In addition, I know the title of the work is "nonsense", so it's not supposed to make sense, but I wasn't sure whether the writer was still in love or not in love at all with the other person. Perhaps that could be a little bit clearer.
However, I did like reading this work, and I do hope to see more of your work in the future. Keep writing!

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14
14
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is indeed a nice essay, as it intends to be, with insightful insights (as all insights ought to be) that I really should apply more and that do seem to make sense.
Alas, though, the loss of time to sleep! 24 hours is never 24, merely 16, 15, 20 if one is unwise... but always lost.
I do wonder what happened to the fourth chapter. Was it simply not memorable? Not applicable? Or lost?
I also really like how you formatted this. It makes it quite easy to read, unlike most things on here, which is a quite pleasant surprise.
Do you often find it easy to track time? Usually I find that my 24 hours, so to speak, don't flow straight, or I can only really take advantage of a couple of them and the rest simply are useless. Maybe that's just me, I see things differently than most people.
I suppose there is only one true suggestion: you do seem to be missing an "are" in your subtitle, it goes straight from "here" to "a" which isn't quite right. Nothing wrong about the work itself.
Thanks for sharing this work, true to your handlebar, and keep writing!

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15
15
Review of Sophia's Library  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This was a remarkably creative work, one I never would have thought of. Turning the initial picture, which seemed to be life growing out of books, and shaping it into apocalyptic and then romantic work in such a short work is quite remarkable. It really did seem like a full story in a short snapshot.
Another nice facet was how you really did seem to know what you were talking about during the work, which really added to the 'realism' (all work should be somewhat realistic, even sci-fi/apocalyptic works), which was great for comprehension.
The whole story flows like it's storytelling in and of itself, which is really nice.
I don't have many suggestions on how to improve the work. There isn't really a necessary element of suspense, which is pretty much the only thing it's missing, but it wouldn't really fit the work. Maybe a bit more showing rather than telling?
Thanks for sharing this nice work, and I hope to see more like it in the future. Keep writing!

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16
16
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I've chessed every so often, but I'd imagine it's more majestic with better players. I really enjoy your backdrop for your story, how you put it in a park with chess. It provides a really nice place for your plot to work. I've seen far too many works with too much philosophy and thinking and they forgot the action. Granted, we don't see the chess moves much (keeps it from getting repetitive, a nice touch), but the reader still feels in it.
A few suggestions: he drifts in and out of the game: good. He's pretty good at chess: good. It makes sense: rare and excellent. However, I am wondering how the subtitle of your work fits in. He doesn't seem particularly rueful. Distracted, certainly, lost, perhaps, but none of the reminiscing is wondering how things could have been or how they went wrong, apart from at the end where he wonders how he lost (a common feeling while playing a good opponent...).
I am wondering how the guy is off work for an entire afternoon on a Tuesday. I guess that's not an important plot point, though.
I did like reading this work, it's one of the better ones I've came across. With a little more purpose to the drifting, it could be one of the best works I've seen on here. Thanks for sharing and keep writing!

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17
17
Review of my cabin  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
I'll be going through your sections in order, by chapter. I tend to be really critical for the main bulk of my reviews, but if you stick around till the end, there's positivity there.

First:
Prelude
"Give two, cross." I sure hope this is supposed to bring confusion, because that's what it did for me. Why? What? How is this important?
First paragraph: nice imagery, but confusing. Maybe it'll get clearer.
Rest of the paragraphs: what is going on?
Too much is implied in this section. I get the whole "unreliable narrator", blah blah, bloo, bloo, but the reader has to be able to make sense of something. Currently, I cannot.
Legibility: 1.4/5 (impressively low) . . . . . . Writing: 3?/5 (hard to tell, would be more accurate if I could understand the work)
Overall: tell the reader a bit more. I know show, not tell is very popular, but please, tell the reader something. Well, that is if the point of the section isn't to make extreme confusion in your reader. In that case, you're doing spectacularly.

Chapter One
Love the chapter title.
note for your first paragraph: remember with dialogue by different characters to split it up. Going with only what you've written, it should be:
"I really don't like you."
That was the third time today I'd heard that. "Well if you don't like me, then you can just complain over there!" My hand waved violently at the nearest thicket of dry vines. The wind howled above, punctuating my remark.
He looked slightly upset. "I was joking! I'd never say I didn't like anyone!" He held up his arms, palms facing me in an attempt to appear innocent.

Some minor grammatical/punctuational issues were also cleaned up in there.
You appear to be missing an explanatory sentence between your first paragraph and second paragraph, saying that Tom offered the MC his jacket.
Fourth paragraph: who is talking?
It's an interesting choice to not say why they're where they are. While I like works that throw you right into the middle of the story (I do the same myself, leaving much implied), your writing style could use a bit more bluntness.
Last sentence: since when can he see the sky?
Check a bit of spelling.
Bill
Why does this exist?
"Dorlin girl"?
Legibility: improved to 2.3/5 . . . . . . Writing: technical wise, not great. descriptive wise, passable.
Overall: a bit more explanation, a bit more cleaning up, definitely reads like a first draft.

Chapter Two
Another good chapter title.
The lack of dialogue in this chapter interestingly coincides with a great increase in legibility and correct grammar. Funny how that works.
Still not sure why he's there. Could we perchance be thrown out of the action?
Sudden ending is nice and abrupt. Well done.
But why in the world is he (presuming it's a he) there? How did they get lost out here? At least have some explanatory dialogue in one of these early chapters.
Legibility: 4/5 . . . . . . Writing: 3.4/5
Overall: reads better than the prior chapter, but I wouldn't read on.

Chapter Three
You used your thesaurus too much.
How can he tell these birds apart without glasses?
Ok, I tracked what went on in this chapter.
He's mostly crazy, chased by something, and miraculously survives. Right?
Your suspense isn't the best I've seen. Perhaps a few choppier sentences could convey panic better.
Legibility: 3.8/5 . . . . . Writing: 3/5
Overall: as a first work, not bad.
Why is there another section?

Ok. I don't feel like I'm saying anything new at this point.

Overall:
It reads like a first draft.
There's a bunch of words, some making sense, most not. I couldn't tell what was going on.
You need more bluntness in your writing. Not everything can be setting and flowery and big words. People don't think in big words all the time. Use simpler, choppier, more sensical words.
I knew what everything said, but I still had no idea what was going on. Is this adventure? horror? the genre is fantasy, how so?
What's the plot? How is he suddenly not freezing?
I wish I could have more to say about this, but it's hard to review a work that doesn't make any sense. Maybe you should go into poetry :)
You do convey creepiness and confusion... but not much else.
You have some action... but not enough emotion to make it feel real.
You have a start... but it needs another draft.
But still, you have a start. Anything is better to work off of than nothing.
I just wish I could have known what was going on.

Thanks for sharing, I hope to see more of your work in the future, and just because my reviewing wasn't positive doesn't mean you're doomed as a writer. You just have room to grow.
(hint: my work isn't very good either. Especially not my first one. It had no plot whatsoever, terrible characters, and its only strong suit was that it was kinda funny just because I rambled a bunch in it. Practice makes perfect. And that I'm certainly not at yet.)
And if you have suggestions to improve my review quality, I'd appreciate it... I feel like I didn't say much helpful in this review.

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18
18
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like this work. It got a smile out of me (not a particularly common event), and even had a nice moral at the end. Made me wonder what type of robots these are if they'd fit in a noose... and why does he just know how to make one?
The sci-fi element lets you make a few convenient odd setting choices, so it doesn't make sense to question it. It is what it is. But I do wonder why they took such a bad job...
They do overlook how ineffective hanging robots would be, you can't exactly snap their neck... (another thing that made me smile...)
I see it was for a prompt, but the clues are cleverly disguised and in the subplot. None are integral to the plot, which is impressive. Usually when I see them, they jump to the front of my mind, but you've fanagled them into the background.
Grammar isn't perfect, but I doubt you minded while making it. It's legible, and that's what matters.
I enjoyed reading this work, and I hope to see more like it in the future. Keep writing!

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Review of Friendship  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a nice poem with a great message. I've lived with and without friends, and I'd certainly agree with this poem that friends are good to have. It's a simple message in a simple poem, and is nice.
On the other hand, it has things that could be improved. The rhymes really seem forced. I read the poem aloud to myself and I had trouble figuring out how it could be read in a way that actually went off the tongue right, and the best I could find was mediocre. I've read poetry that you could tell how it should be read, even without a rhyme scheme, but this one seems like it was trying to have rhyme and rhythm and just doesn't, especially with the formatting.
Then again, I notice this is from over 10 years ago. Assumedly, you've improved your craft since then, 10 years is far longer than I've been writing. Like as not, this poem simply missed the second draft. I don't really have a comparison.
As a work from a newer writer, it would have been pretty good. Message is hard to convey through poetry, and this does it well.
Regardless, thanks for sharing and keep writing!

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Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Half a heart is heart enough.
One of the things I've found out is that the weakest people are oftentimes the best people, the disadvantaged often the best people to be friends with, and those that struggle often the best people to be around, the best people to know how to help.
So maybe, even though it might make his life hard, if he can make it through, or if he has, I'm not sure how old this work is, it'll make him a better person, one who can really shine.
Well, I like the poem. It has nice rhyme scheme, flows off the tongue nicely. There are some times where it seems a bit out of order, the emphasized syllables not lining up quite right, but for the most part, it fits well.
Good conveyance of emotion.
One opportunity I think it could have used - sometimes, especially with poems like this, where each line has two halves to it, I've seen poets get a really cool effect by rhyming the middles too. Just a suggestion.
Thanks for sharing this nice work, and keep writing!

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Review of The Critics  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Well.
I read a poem on here about chaos, and I have to say, regardless of how truly chaotic that one was, this one is more confusing. Yes, there's rhyme and rhythm, but huh?
I liked reading it...
It's a hard poem to write anything meaningful about reviewing since it, well, yes, the third line puts it, "nonsense syllables". Sometimes those are the most fun to write of any.
Okay, finally, after reading it over a fourth time (man, read and review...), it finally seems to make sense. Cats. I don't have any, maybe that's why it took me so long to get it. And those are names! Ah.
I feel morally obligated to criticize something (if no improvement, what's the point?), so here's the most nerdiest thing to criticize (well, apart from their/there) - In the seventh line, the one starting "Jazzy," you have a "whose"... I mean, reading it again, that could make sense, but "who's" would make more sense... but then again...
Maybe I shouldn't try to review this, but it was fun to read and I liked it, even though I'm not a cat person.
Hope to see more like this, thanks for sharing, and keep writing!

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Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
I'm assuming as you're writing this for a contest, you want me to be as scathing as possible, to help you tune it to perfection. So if this review seems a bit harsh, a bit down, don't take it as "this work is terrible", please take it as suggestions for improvement and chances are, they'll likely be a lot of little things. Anxious stuttering, eh?
I'll go through in order, with overarching things at the end.

The Drift
Your first 4 sentences: great mood, love it. Great descriptive language. However, I think the first three could be strung together into a paragraph to make it easier to read and to give the fourth sentence (mmm) a bit more punch to it.
I'm always a fan of a good em-dash - perhaps one could be used to connect the fourth and fifth sentences? I know having the fourth sentence only three words long has an effect, but then the fifth sentence (technically fragment) doesn't make sense.
Your spacing is too wide for the "poetry" effect you're trying to give at the start. When every sentence hits, each hits less hard. Let your narrative voice trail in and out, not every line the emblem of perfection. The reader can only be amazed for so long.
"Inside her, something mirrored the maze, dim-lit corridors, rooms she hadn’t dared open." Something is gravely grammatically incorrect here, but I can't put my finger on what... maybe you can figure it out.
You have five lines in a row without double spacing - it's amazing how much easier that makes your work to read. This is a part where the fact that it's not paragraphs adds to the work rather than just makes it hard to read and here I would keep it that way.
I've already said it, but the last three lines should be a paragraph three sentences long.

Overall for this section: Great world painting, minor formatting and grammatical issues holding it back from its full potential.
Writing: 4.8/5 . . . . Legibility: 2/5 . . . . Would I read on?: If properly formatted, yes.



The Encounter
I like your chapter titles.
Your work continues to read like poetry, very sustained free verse. It's a nice touch, I think, and certainly not what I'm used to. It's also still very hard to read. I'm going to contradict myself here, but maybe you don't need paragraphs - but you should really cut the double spacing. It makes it very hard to read.
Some of your lines don't make sense, but artistic license, I guess.

Overall: ...the dreamy state worked better for the world building than it does for the main body, or so it seems. Nevertheless, not bad.
Writing: 4/5 . . . . . Legibility: 3/5 . . . . . Would I read on? Not as motivated to, but probably, yes. More just not my style.



The Spark
Mmm... foreshadowing... good touch.
One does not simply climb a water tower. Inaccuracy.
Is she a witch? More foreshadowing, nice.
Thunderstorm on a water tower. Gotta love terrible ideas.
"A spark catches fire." Wrong tense?

Overall: a tad confusing. Left me like "...huh?" On the other hand, it was more legible.
Writing: 3.7/5 . . . . . Legibility: 3.7/5 . . . . . Would I read on? Well, yes, but I'd be kinda bored...



The Earthmother Moment
A very weird chapter name, especially compared to the others.
Is she a witch? Is she not a witch? I'm probably just impatient, but it seems it has been dragged a while. Are we in the real world?
"Her ego loosened..." What ego? She seemed ripped apart, what ego?
Your last three lines are a nice effect.
That Leon guy... never mind.

Overall: I got what was going on. I did not get why or how.
Writing: 3/5 . . . . . Legibility: 4.5/5 . . . . . . Would I read on? Too close to the end of the book to stop.
Interesting how when it gets more readable, I like it less...



The Shattering Wholeness
Once again, I don't really like the title. Too long.
You say there's a transformation. Maybe lean into it more? I'm not really getting what it is. Again, is she a witch?
I like the way you've referenced love indirectly so many times. Nicely done.
You seem to have a flair for the dramatic. Not sure if it fits, but it does allow you to close up your "chapters".

Overall: rather confused as to what in the world is going on. Nice imagery, but what?
Writing: 3.3/5 . . . . . Legibility: 4/5 . . . . . Would I read on? Maybe not...



The Awakening
There, nice chapter title.
How does she have an apartment when she so clearly has no job?
So she is a witch? Confusion!
Mmm, clay and stardust. Good old-fashioned confusing analogy that makes sense
You're missing your last sentence, a three word trailoff like you do with every other "chapter". Feels... off.

Overall: Seemed kinda pointless, really. Why and what is happening?
Writing: 4/5 . . . . . Legibility: 2.6/5 . . . . . Would I read on? Solely because it's almost the end.



The Becoming
Good title.
For whatever reason, it seems you already said this chapter earlier. It doesn't feel new. Maybe you don't need it?
HOWEVER, this is an amazing contrast to your start. It feels like sandwiching, having the same thing at the start and at the end, which is a really nice effect. Granted, the whole book is like that, but still, great.
We lost Leon. Bring him back. Like actually. He's necessary.
You mention the guy once. Once! He's a main character! How much does he really mean to her if she doesn't even really remember him much?
mmm... fluorescent lights...

Overall: a nice ending. Enjoyed.
Writing: 4.6/5 . . . . . Legibility: 4/5 . . . . . Best part yet.




To Summarize

Nice title and subtitle, no complaints there.
It is a long enough work that you could use a word count at the top... or maybe it just looks like that. Impossible to tell cuz every sentence is a new line.
You could use italics for your "chapter" titles to differentiate them.
Nice poetry.
More Leon!
Get rid of double spacing.

But those are basic things. All in all, this would be a nice contest entry, I would say. Easily earns the 4.5 rating even in its unedited state.

Thanks for sharing, I hope to see more like it, and keep writing!

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Review of Seasonal Thoughts  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
This looks like a really hard poetry style to write in, but I like it a lot. I'm a big fan of rhyming and rhythmic poetry, and this form is a nice example of the potential it has. The words itself in the poem are rather simple, albeit, but within the form they go together rather nicely and I do like this poem more than most I've found.
I can't say I quite agree with the theme, per SE, I like snow and am not much for sun, but that's personal opinion. :)
No suggestions as for how to improve this poem, I feel it has reached its highest potential (which is pretty high).
I hope to see more poetry like this in the future, it's a great work. Keep writing!

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Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
I enjoy the way you've ignored what poetry "should" be like here, without rhyme or rhythm, because nature is something that doesn't have to make sense in our terms. It portrays the outdoors, or at least a side of it, as outdoors can be nearly everything, in such a nice, cheerful light.
I'm slightly confused as to why there are 5 lines in the 4th set while the other four sets all have 4 lines. Was that purposeful?
I find it a bit hard to read aloud to myself, but that's likely personal preference, I prefer rhythmic poetry, but certainly, not everybody does. Arrythmatic poetry has its proper place as well.
I hope you write more like this, and I hope you keep writing in general!

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Review of Midnight Letters  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This work is, clearly, unfinished, and thus I shouldn't be reviewing it, in theory, but there are flashes of heavy potential that I didn't feel like moving on before commending you on. The prince is a spectacular character. Now, yes, it's just the first paragraphs, but already in such a short time, just from that one character you've weaved an impressive backstory. While I've found my characters to be inconsistent, you've laid a great foundation for the rest of the work, however small or large it will be.
Your dialogue is also impressive and seems realistic. That's rather hard to come by, especially with some of the eccentric word choices but they fit.
Just one thing - at the current point, it reads rather like a romance between the jester and the prince. That'll likely get fixed as the work grows, but if that's the point, I think there's a tag for that you could add to your "Romance/Love" and "Short Story" tags, as 3 tags are allowed.
Nice beginning, and I hope it has a suitably nice ending. Keep writing!

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