I found that your poem captured the feelings of the person watching his house burn down perfectly.
The person's helplessness to help or to look away is heartbreaking.
For a short poem, the first part seems a bit wasted, because it doesn't even describe the actual fire, only the weather outside. While it does help add to the overall atmosphere of the poem, I think perhaps you should consider putting in something about the actual burning house, the things that were inside it, etc.
I really liked the last part and the sentence about the "Hot tears washed the soot from my cheeks."
I think this story needs a lot of work.
The grammar was weak and you made quite a few mistakes which made it annoying to read. You should try going over and editing the story a few times after you finish it.
Also, the tight formatting made it hard for me to keep my place. Try spacing between lines and paragraphs to make it easier to read.
The story itself was hard to follow too. It doesn't flow and doesn't get anywhere special.
You put in a lot of descriptions that had nothing to do with the plot.
The part in the beginning about the raid doesn't seem to have much to do with the middle, which in turn doesn't seem to have much to do with the end.
Perhaps i didn't understand it properly, but the whole part at the end with the Thief Lord followed by the burning camp confused me.
You didn't explain where the burning comes from or who the girl really is. These are the kind of questions that a reader expects to get an answer to.
I can see how this might turn into an interesting story if you put a little more effort into it :)
Keep writing!
VERY cute story :)
I really enjoyed reading this.
While the story itself was kind of pointless, it was a fun kind of pointless to read and enjoy.
I really liked the jibs at modern day "stars" and the personalities you developed for each character.
My only question is why you used all the holiday icons instead of regular fairy tale characters? I think i would have enjoyed the story better if you had used some more typical characters, but what you did worked for you story so i cant really complain.
I also liked how the different characters interacted with each other and the feeling that they never actually got anything done :)
in short, a very entertaining read.
good job!
Very original, shot, flowing and to the point.
You managed to get across the feelings the Egyptians might have had at the two different stages very nicely.
What I didn't understand was the 'five times'.
weren't there ten plagues? or were you referring to something else?
I liked the realization in the second paragraph that they had let their servants go which made them change their minds and chase them :)
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