Before you begin to read my review, please take into consideration my inept ability at changing colors at will. If some of this looks displaced, forgive me. I've done the best job I can with my God given abilities and if I must say so He was very stingy when he came to me.
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Sometimes when we write in the flame of pain it's hard to cut the wordy words. I know. I've written a novel with a bleeding heart. It was over one-hundred thousand words in the beginning - when I read it last month and several years later, I condensed it to 2,000 words.
If I could make a few 'take it or leave it' suggestions, it would be the following. I know this is your baby, so take what you will and ignore what doesn't fit your way of thinking or feeling.
got the call today.
He managed to take more out of me.
Using my own daughter to say,
Or do things that will destroy me.
All that I am now,
And all that I will ever be come,what if you eliminated the first word And and closed the space between be and come to read become.
I don’t know how
I can ever be more than just numb. what if you eliminated the word 'just'?
In the following traumatic stanza, WHAT IF you eliminated these words (please take them with three grains of salt and a glass of Merlot: 
do, And, But, that?
Sorry if these words do offend,
And I am sorry if my tears are permanent,
But I felt my heart quit and my life just end,
When I heard the tales that he had sent.
And turned their mother’sSince you have begun this poem in the present tense and first person POV (point of view) may I suggest an alternative line? heart to stone.
Turning this mother's heart into stone.
I hear them playing as I write,
And my tears just keep flowing. What if this line simply read?:My tears keep flowing,
This may be my last night. Do you wish the reader to see this as a clue that the writer is contemplating ending her life?
But they will keep growing. Is it possible to eliminate the 'But' and replace it with 'I know'?
In the following stanza, there is a mix of Points of View. What if (I say that a lot, take it or you know...)...
Yes, he said that my girl Do you feel comfortable deleting 'that'? I would. FWIW: Whenever I can, I do, see how it tightens and strengthens your writing. You have tremendous = (GREAT) possibilities or I wouldn't be taking so much of your time.
Was hurt while in her mother’s care,OKAY, yes it hurts and you can't say 'I' ---get over it, you must say 'I' - Me or 'MY'..so, my humble suggestion is for it to read this way, and keeping a consistent POV:
Was hurt while in my care,
I would suggest the deletion of the first word in the following sentence.
And now I have nothing left in this world.
I can’t fight, and I am so very scared.
Well he has won the battle (or even the war)
I just can’t see me winning. Can you bring it into your heart to delete the word 'just'? ---please do.
Right now I can not see breathing any more
I can not see anything worth defending.
So who can stand by my side?
Who really knows my pain?
I have lost everything even though I tried.
I have nothing else to gain.
His sister said that the proof was in,Can you eliminate the word 'that' and the first word 'And' in the next sentence?
And there is no denying.
I know that is just a story from him,
But still I am still crying.
So if you pray day or night,
I think I need your prayers now.
Because God is the only one to make this right,
But I just don’t know how.
This is the not a tale told.<<I don't know what this means. Perhaps it could say, "It's not a tall tale told."
This is my world to day. today
Please ask God to help me to be bold,
And look to him and pray.
For God, I know can see,
But I stand in the shadow.
I know he is watching over me
But why is life so hard to swallow?
Thank everyone that can feel
My pain and my grief.
And that what I am writing is real,Can you eliminate the first two words?: And that.
If I could just have believed.
Right now my faith is small,
And so maybe I will rely on you.This is a whoops, who is YOU in this line? God? The reader? I don't think so. Regardless, the first two words - And so - I would eliminate them.
Then God will heal it all,
And make a happy life a new. I feel you copped out on your last line, you flung in whatever would fit.
It has little to do with your dilemma, the suffering, the anguish, the loss of your daughter. It DEMANDS more courage on your part to explain the feelings you have demonstrated in the early part of this work of art.
You've built the reader to a crescendo. Tell it like it is.
OnWords & UpWords
Don't Shoot the Messenger...
Shirl, ReJoyce..whatever
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Forgive the colors if they come out crooked...My fingers are faster than my mentality....
If I didn't care, I wouldn't be here...
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