I think this is sensational! Whyever do y'all need to be in a Dialogue Class with so much talent? You've applied all the 'Quick Tips' and avoided all the 'Common Mistakes'. It's a good thing I'm not the instructor, I'd ship you to the highest class.
As well as demonstrating a great writing technique, the story was fun, believable and left me wanting more.
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Shirl, ReJoyce...whatever
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I love anything with the word 'pebbles' in it. God knows why? And I really enjoyed this eulogy...guess I'm now motivated to write my own. One words baffles me, I'm sure it was meant to be glistened...but, what do I know? Glinstered in the sun sounds kind of interesting.
Good Job Maria!
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Shirl
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Again, you amaze me with your perspective. What is sweeter than cracking the spine on a brand new journal? Perhaps, re-reading the dog-eared one it replaced...yah?
Love the phrase - pre-owner slumber.
Love it...Shirl
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Another enchanting cocktail of gossamer wings and fairy taled chatter. I loved it!
My favorite sentence..> Wood folk are forever to festivals drawn
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Shirl
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PS: Using SPELLCHECK would correct the spelling of dediccated...or maybe that's how it's spelled in Pixieville. smile. smile. Just a humble suggestion.
AHA! You slipped into WDC like a Christmas mouse and left a little present for us. What have you done with all the intelligence you absorbed at the Conference? This sweet treat fits my mood today and the chill of December. I can almost smell the oak burning in the distant fireplace. YOU are missed!
Hugs a bunch,
Shirl
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Wow...that was quite a story! Once I began reading, I couldn't stop.
I love reading NEW words, such as 'mellifluous' - Thank you for a great one.
But what I especially like in conjunction with the way you have written this fine piece of work is the ending. It's fantastic and saying so little really causes the reader to think.
Terrific Job...carry on.
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Shirl, ReJoyce..whatever
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This is really a great tale that is so timely right about now. Your grammar was perfect, darn..you left me nothing to correct. The only little nit is that I had to really concentrate on the timelines of Dan's thoughts and actions - what was happening now and what was the past. But I got it.
You do the 'soldier stuff' like you've been there.
The reddish brown puppy was a zinger of a description.
I loved your opening line, Small towns are boring...
Carry on..soldier.
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Shirl, ReJoyce...whatever
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A very interesting take on a very traumatic event. May I offer my 'take it or leave it' advice?
What do you think about deleting these few words: was, just, even - in the first two lines? Try it, see what you think, it's your baby.
In the sixth line, what if you eliminated the word 'there' and described the cloud? Angry? Soaring? Or a better two-syllable adjective?
In line seven you may wish to insert an apostrophe in the word its (s/be it's).
The reader wonders by the last two lines - what could possibly be different about coming back? The world could be different. But how would you be different? Physically, mentally, spiritually? You haven't given us enough information to fully understand why or how your prayer has meaning. It would make more sense if your prayer was to come back someday to a world opposite of the one you left. Please do not take my words the wrong way, this is simply how this reader interprets your work of art.
My favorite line - I would save the world if I knew how.
The wonderful piece makes us stop to think, to ponder and you've done an excellent job.
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Shirl, ReJoyce..whatever
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Yes, this is a WOW. So much emotion and feeling, one cannot help but feel a range of emotions - anger, sadness, hate, helplessness, empathy. How can one rid the world of THAT kind of person? But then...it's just a poem, isn't it?
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Shirl, ReJoyce..whatever
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The simplicity of this poem is the charm of it. The picture it paints is pure and sad. I hope there is a sequel, one that is opposite and shows that the little girl has found the happiness she deserves.
Nicely written. The only wee constructive suggestion is to rework the last few lines.. The use of the words 'I' and 'my' changes the Point of View and the tone of how the poem progresses toward the end.
Hi Haley,
I think you've done a terrific job on this lesson. This really could lead to a very interesting story. If I was/were the teacher I'd give you an A+.
I love reading this style of dialogue.
See you in class.
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Shirl, ReJoyce...whatever
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I'm pleased to hear your opinions on Points of View. At last, I've found someone who is not afraid of mixing them under the right conditions and for the right reasons.
The omniscient POV is also my favorite - it's the best way to allow the reader to get inside the head of each of the characters. From a writing standpoint it also requires the author to really know his sardines from his cheddar.
Thank you for an enlightening essay.
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Shirl
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I enjoyed reading this short excerpt for the class. It looks like it will become an interesting story. There are a couple of typos you may wish to change with your magic fingers:
goes my<<by Mac;
It’s not you Mac. I just miss his<<him so much sometime. I wish he was here to meat you tonight
looping her are<<arm through his
I look forward to reading more.
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Shirl, ReJoyce!
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I so enjoyed the trip of fantasy. I was moved right along from the first sentence. I started to choose a favorite sentence then realized I would have rewritten most of the story. Totally enchanting.
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Shirl, ReJoyce!
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This is so dear. I love it, especially the phrase 'in an old wife's yarn'. Also the penning of the possibility (somewhat pessimistic and clever) that being Soulmates would be dutiful - very insightful, realistic, showing deep thought and that you are not looking at the world through rose-colored glasses. I sense a deep thinker here. I hope everything turns out the way you want it.
Thank you for sharing. Don't stop now.
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Shirl, ReJoyce!..whatever
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How PRICELESS!! I couldn't stop reading it. Youthful and so sincere. I loved it. Just correct those little misspelled words with your magic touch and it will be perfecto.
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Shirl, ReJoyce! whatever...
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What a GREAT story. I understand you are thirteen, but in my book, you're thirteen going on thirty. An amazing job. I predict wonderful things in your future and I hope writing plays a part in it.
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Shirl, ReJoyce...whatever
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