Hi, Benny  !
I have just read your short story "The Theme Park". The overall impression I got was of a surreal down-the-rabbit-hole kind of story. It seems like a fun story and I am intrigued by the character of the mouse.
However, here are some of my opinions on your piece and some advice, meant in the spirit of helping a fellow writer!
The plot was very straightforward - so much so that it's in the description of the story! All well and good, and maybe it's because it's such a short piece but there are no stakes involved here. What happens if she doesn't get home? What if she's not able to meet with the witch? Is there a time limit? And what about what the mouse said, about people being teleported to the park because they're running away from something? You haven't explored the story much and I feel like there is a lot you can do with it.
It's a brilliant setting - you mentioned there were other animals like the mouse dressed up and wandering about and people are wearing odd clothing. It would have been nice to see more descriptions of it as opposed to being told that there were some brightly-coloured streets and people in odd clothing. You lessen what could have been a very grand effect by telling us about the things Rose saw as opposed to showing them to us.
For example, instead of:
"Many weird looking houses and a few castles were here and there. There were lots of rides to go on, but Rose had to stop herself from getting on one. The rides looked magnificent and very enjoyable to go on."
You could have put something like:
"She saw a few castles, their pointed towers reaching for the sky. Strange houses with colourful roofs could be seen here and there. Roller-coasters swept this way and that, taking passengers upside-down and around in loops, and they screamed in delight. Queues stretched out from many other exciting rides, and Rose was tempted to join but restrained herself."
At this point, I'd like to ask why Rose didn't join in the fun. She's a child and she has entered this magnificent theme park. Why is she not joining in? Did the mouse perhaps tell her that she had to get home? If so, don't forget to mention it! It lends an air of urgency to her mission if the mouse keeps insisting, or even if she herself keeps telling herself that she has no time for fun.
Your characters, particularly the mouse like I said before, have the potential to be quite interesting. However, I feel like you've skimmed over the story, telling only the bits that move the plot forward. But characterisation is important too, even for a short story. If you flesh out your characters, they make the story more memorable and enjoyable. As I also mentioned before, you left out Rose's backstory, and I feel that you could have done a remarkable job in fleshing her out if you'd delved into her reason for being at the park.
Some suggestions for you:
Cut down on repetition. Every time Rose does something, her name is mentioned. It gets very repetitive and makes the narrative quite jittery. You want the narrative to be smooth so make use of other identifiers, like "she" or "the little girl". If there are only two characters and they're both female and there is a part of the story where the focus switches rapidly between them (for example, in dialogue), then using names might be all right, but even so, other identifiers can help break up the repetition and sometimes you don't even need to mention who's talking - the readers can figure it out.
Also, cut down on adjectives. For example, "brightly coloured purple ovals sparkling delightfully" - this could be simplified to "sparkling bright purple ovals". Adjectives are not challenging for you as a writer. They're kind of lazy, in fact. The less you use them, the better.
Similarly, try to avoid words like "very, very". Like adjectives, these kinds of words are indicative of poor or lazy writing. And there's just no need to use the same one twice in one go!
The ending: It could have been left as a cliff-hanger. In that case, you shouldn't have gone back to the mouse wondering what to do. You should have just left it with the main character falling into the darkness. If you detract from that by adding in a line about another character, it takes away the sense of horror and the tension that the story would have ended on.
I enjoyed reading your story and I hope you can have fun with exploring where you can take it from here! You've got a good plot and I feel certain that it could surprise even you! Enjoy yourself and challenge yourself and your writing will flourish!
Happy writing!
Shiki |
| (3.5)
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