What I liked most about this story was the way that I was drawn in. The order of events were nicely sequenced. I noticed no grammatical errors to deter my reading.
There was a nice building of suspense right up until the end.
The story was not far-fetched and was relatable. I could remember being a kid and getting into situations that I never should have been in to begin with.
Good job!
I found your story through the Random Read option.
The story reminded me of an incident in my own life when my husband caused a terrible accident. As a result, he nearly died and our family was torn apart. It is a sad memory.
My favorite part was in the very beginning when the sheet was described an animal, which had caught Lacy in its teeth.
My least favorite part was the ending. It seemed to end too abruptly. (for my tastes anyway)
I did notice an error. The spelling of Suzy's name changed, mid paragraph.
~~She pushed Susy out. Suzy was crying so hard she couldn't breath. She was afraid and couldn't hear Lacy trying to reassure her. Lacy popped the side of Susie' face
The poet describes the feeling of wanting to ignore the truth so that the flames of passion are left undisturbed. It reminded me of my adolescent years, when the truth could only have spoiled the one I adored.
My favorite lines were:
Lie if you must.
Keep the ugly to a hush.
My least favorite line was at the end:
You have now persuaded me into my false sanity.
The wording just did not seem to fit in with the rest of the poem. (It wasn't terrible just my least favorite:)
I thought you did a good job describing a feeling that is often felt in a one sided relationship.
Wow, that was disturbingly well written! The ending was definitely unexpected. I thought there was some originality to the story and the scenes were vividly described.
I wondered how the girl was able to get the musician to her basement, but once I read on, it wasn't that big of an issue. I enjoyed it and thought you did a good job.
The image and poem came together to create a story that is familiar to all writers: The dreaded writer's block. When you can find nothing else to right about, right about writer's block! I thought it was pretty smart, really!
I enjoyed it very much! Write on!
I thought this was a very nice example of your writing ability. The poem was a beautiful tribute to a lady who has gracefully aged; a shining example to all those around her. My favorite line was:
A ripe old lady, still beautiful and bright
and an incredible challenge for the young
It is not often that a person associates the words old lady, beautiful and bright together, but it painted a beautiful image in my mind. Very nice job!
I enjoyed the poem very much. It speaks to coming to terms with what others may think of you; good bad or indifferent. In the end, the poem teaches a lesson, basically stating that others can call you what they will without dictating who you are.
Two stanzas stood out in terms of being my favorites. They were stanzas two and three.
They struck a chord of familiar feelings in that I will never be truly understood, no matter what they think.
Write on!
I was looking at my old family home a few days ago. As I noticed the condition of the house, I thought it closely resembled the condition of my family. It is changed. It is weathered and worn. It is showing all the stress of simply being in existence; just as we all are. It is just not the same.
I thought you did a great job with the poem. Write on!
The beginning of the story was reminscent of several different movies I have watched. City of Angels was the first one that came to mind. I couldn't even begin to name all of the other movies where the spirit is present at their own funeral. It did not seem like an original piece of work until the end.
I think it is well written. The potential for the story, I think, is based solely on where things go from here.
In short, I liked it, but it was a little too familiar.
The poem was about a person looking back on their life as an abused child. Although the abuse has now passed, the scars remain. This was a vividly painted picture of the child's suffering; past and present.
The only suggestion I have for improvement would be in the rhythm of the poem. With a little work, it could be greatly improved. The following stanza seemed the most problematic for me. The last line seemed forced. I think that the word "invisible" throws the whole thing off.
I am a wreck, I am a mess
But I need to live, I deserve no less
None of this was my mistake
But they pierced my heart with an invisible stake
Maybe if you replace the words "an invisible"
with "a pointy", things would flow better.
I would revisit this, focusing on editing for the sake of rhythm.
Overall, very good job. Write on!
My interpretation of this poem: They were not strangers. Maybe this was a first encounter, or one of the first encounters, between the couple. It seems to me that her heart hopes for commitment and love while her mind knows better. She clings to the thought of "maybe". In the end, she finds herself alone.
My favorite line was:
The angel's lies are so beautiful I dream of maybes
It only takes a few well written lines to make a huge statement. You did exactly that within only a few lines. My favorite line was, "If I must forgive him in order to live, I am already dead."
I thought it was very powerful and a great expression of feeling.
Write on!
Your characters were developed in a way that came across naturally, yet effectively. There weren't a lot of descriptions used, but the characters personalities came across well as the story played out. The entire piece had a natural flow, making it a very easy read; which means a lot when I am reading a story. I really have no suggestions on improving this in any way. I thought it was great! Write on!
While looking around on the Shameless plug page, I read the words, "You never know who is thinking of you in the calm of night, miles and years between, worlds apart yet so close...". The plug captured me, so I decided to give it a read. Only at the end did I realize you are the same Michael I reviewed before.
It is apparent that you are a skilled writer who fully understands how to lure a reader into your world. For several reasons, reading anything more than a few paragraphs long is generally a tough job for me. I find that the problem is almost non-existent when reading your work.
One error I did notice was here:
“Henry, god damn-it! You're scarring me". She yells. "You're talking gibberish - come lie down before you wake the neighbors."
You hit the R twice, spelling "scarring" instead of "scaring".
Other than that, I have nothing to offer.
Your story was unique and interesting from start to finish.
Another great example of writing from you. Again, the flow is consistent and the rhymes are good. The story accurately describes the nature of an envious heart in that it can never be satisfied.
My favorite stanza was the last, stating:
Beware the curse of the empty eye
and try to rise above it.
For envy's cup cannot be filled
No matter what you covet.
The beauty of this piece is inspirational. The flow is impeccable from beginning to end. Your lines did not lack quality for the sake of the rhyme. Just beautiful.
My favorite lines were:
"Amid this exceptional mystery I dwell
Debating the origin of heaven and hell".
By illustrating yourself as having such a small place in the universe, it served to further exemplify the massiveness of it all.
I can offer no criticism or tips for improvement as this was executed nicely. Write on!
You have effectively relayed a message through this piece. Both men and women mask their evil behind the cloak of "love". Most of them never even realizing it. I thought this was well written and unique. It should also be relatable to all who have been led down the wrong path by "love". That should be nearly all of us! Good job!
Oh my God! I am very glad that I decided to visit your portfolio and I am loving that I came across this. If this is your true story, it definitely holds its own! Even if it was complete fiction, I would love it all the same. Throughout the reading, this story had the opportunity to take several different paths, but the ending was much better than I anticipated. Great descriptive writing allowed me to be in your shoes, so to speak, throughout the entire ordeal. I could feel the fabric of the dresses brushing against my own skin and I could envision the man's little sausage fingers. My favorite part of course was the ending. The ending made me glad that I battled the flu long enough to read it!
Loved it! As I watch tv, the plastic surgeries, augmentations, plumping, rejuvenations, skin abrasions.. well, you get the idea.. are everywhere you look. Many of these people have passed the point of improvement and look down right scary. I myself would never have thought to call them "Frankenstein brides", but I am impressed with the fact that you did. I love the line, "False youth in a zombie parade, a society of Frankenstein brides, marching to the beat of easy money on reality TV". That says it all! Now, if I could only figure out how to be one of them.... haha.
I loved the rhyme and easy flow. You just so happened to write about giving, which I truly believe in! I thought it this was a very well written piece. My favorite part was the twist at the end. When you give, you always receive, but usually it's not such an obvious reward.
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