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Review by ShawnK Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Below are some suggestions. I like your passage, just thought you might enjoy a different take on it. Of course, my way isn't better than your way.


CHAPTER ONE

Chloe stepped into the dark house, groping around for the foyer light. Mike's van was parked in the driveway. (This tells he's home) Why was he hanging around in the dark? There wasn't the faintest trace of daylight when she came home during this part of the year, but Mike usually had the house lit up like a runway for her . (I don't know if this makes sense to your story, if she's thinking about the house being dark, it seems like that must be in contrast to what she's used to, otherwise, why make note of it? maybe drop the time and month detail, unless you need it for something else though) Taking off her hat and shaking out her hair, she found the hallway lamp. Light poured out onto the floor, highlighting the crimson rose petals scattered lovingly across it. (You could say 'lovingly' if you feel like Mike is genuinely in love with Chloe and really did it with care) She wanted to shout out to him, but couldn't get the sound past the lump in her throat. (Having your heart leap up indicates absolute joy and thrill. Based on the rest of the passage, I thought she was feeling nervous instead)

Chloe followed the path of petals and the sound of her favorite Brian Adam's song, 'I'm Ready' down the hall. (moved the song info up, so it didn't distract from the moment of seeing Mike) Coming around the corner, she found the living room converted into a sanctuary of candle light. The mantle, the library table, the bookshelf - every spot glowed with the tiny flicker of flames. (this is a good chance to add some description of the environment and play up the effect of the candlelight) Surrounded by the flames like an offering on bended knee, was Mike.

At first, it looked like he had caught a little piece of fire in his fingers, holding it up as a gift. Stepping closer, she could see the resplendent solitaire diamond reflecting the candlelight on its platinum band. Any woman would be mesmerized by such a scene, but Chole couldn't help but be distracted from the moment by a memory - a memory of another ring, a plain, inexpensive ring. One that glowed more brilliantly than any other stone, not because of its size, or shape, or color. But because of Ben. (I think the reader would get Ben was someone who was engaged to her before and that she was still hung up on without explaining it out quite so much)

Chloe was drawn out of the past by Mike’s nervous voice.

“Well then, will you?”

She looked down at his flushed cheeks and his shaking hands, seeing the reflection of another man's face in his features. (if his hand is shaking, the reader can figure out from the context that it's from nerves)

"Of course I will,” she said, extending her hand. Mike reached up and tenderly slipped the ring on her finger,

“Of course,” she repeated, for Mike's benefit as much her own.
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Review of Starry Eyed  Open in new Window.
Review by ShawnK Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Best loved line:

Her strands of long and tragic hair
Are puppets to the will of air,

Gave a wonderful image of her lifeless body still being manipulated by nature.

I took a shot at revising some lines, just for fun. I find I'm a bit of slave to the rhythm of the words. I know some of the alterations may change the meaning of the poem. I hope you'll have fun with it, as I did reading your poem.

My lady gazes at the skies
As moonlight swims upon her eyes,
Yet in those treasured orbs of soul
A stillness sits as dark as coal.

Her strands of long and tragic hair
Are puppets to the will of air,
And graceful fingers on the ground
Will hence forever there be bound.

Oh! Misfortune had her say,
Destroying our most joyful day,
The day is lost and now is gone.
Oh! How her dress adorns the lawn.

The nighttime sky she loved the most
Sits still and quiet as a ghost--
Like me it mourns the cruelest part--
To dance no more in beating heart.
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