this is a very interesting piece...i loved how you kept referring back to how it would be done cinematically. it seems like you have this magnificent idea... if you could somehow get inside the not boy, not man's head during the story, perhaps go a little more in depth, it would provide it with the step more that it needs. i would also work a little more with sentence structure and syntax, as many of the sentences seem to be built similarly... split up your paragraphs a little more, shake things up a bit. i see so much potential within this story.
i especially enjoyed the "shiny people," it gives such fabulous mental imagery, especially contrasted with the fellow in black-and-gray.
this poem reminds me of going into shock, numbly just watching yourself bleed to death. an objective look at fact, rather than subjective glimpses into emotion. it's like you've detached yourself from the pain, from the pathos, from the empathy. and i liked the way you spaced out "She's left...in my chest." it only added to the anti-emtotional concavity that emerges here.
I loved the imagery in this poem, and i especially felt the lines:
<i>"Hell's harlot, steal my lips away
My hands entangled in the stars
Cradle my tears on you[r] cheeks"</i>
It is a beautiful piece, but there are just a few places it could be tweaked.
I'm not entirely certain what you mean by "I censured your slave" because "censured" means chastised, but it seems like the speaker is the metaphorical slave... it's a little confusing.
"Inferal" I think should be "infernal".
"persision" I don't think is a word... perhaps you meant "precision"?
and "breath" should be "breathe" to convey that it is the verb form and not being used as a noun.
Brilliant ideas and lovely form, though. Please keep up the great work!
that's completely adorabibble. i have only a few bits of constructive criticism to offer...
"usually this is the part [that] I start explaining some excruciating details of where you can shove certain parts of your phone." the [that] should be a [where].
in Brenda's paragraph, "Seriously, I feel beyond at ease with you..." she becomes a little cliche and the conversation reaches a really unrealistic note... it doesn't seem like something she would say, based on the rest of the conversation.
but so much of this was just amazing. i love dell. if i found one of him in real life, he wouldn't have a chance to meet a cheating wife or become a telemarketer and meet Brenda. nope, he would be all mine.
lol, sorry for rambling, you did an excellent job.
~evangeline
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/shatterglass
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 6:02am on Nov 05, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
