Great poem! I felt like I was pondering the fate of chips in my pantry while reading your poem, wondering if I should eat the dratted things or try something else to make myself feel better. I would encourage you to write another such poem about a more tormented soul - perhaps a bulimic? - who actually indulges in the food then seeks 'redemption' by throwing it all up. I would also suggest taking the emoticon down - although it reflects well the feelings evoked by the poem, you shouldn't need it at all - we should 'see' that face just be reading the poem, you know? After all, it's writing.com, not emoticonwriting.com! Keep writing, you're great.
I like the point that you are making, but I don't quite like the way that you are making it. You make it sound like a casual conversation rather than a serious piece. While I can understand that you are trying to relate to your reader, it takes the seriousness out of the piece. Starting with "You know" makes this sound like a conversation in a mall instead of a deep, thorough, thoughtful piece.
Maybe start with something like: There is no worse feeling that that of one's heart’s which has just been broken. Very much like placing one's heard in a vice and turning it until it explodes, it leaves behind an empty feeling closely resembling a boat with no sails in the middle of a huge body of water with no land in sight. A feeling worse than that is hard to come by."
This story is so lovely, and I think maybe because I work in the medical field, it's all the more poignant. You write really well, and the flow of your story is great - I read it right through without stopping once or rereading anything. Great job.
However, I do feel that this piece could be more poignant and powerful if you would use a more "mature" voice. What I mean to say is that when I read this, I can hear an eloquent young person talking, someone that hasn't necessarily grown from the experience of losing her best friend and the love of her life. I would suggest a rewrite in the voice of an 18 year old who is still young at heart, but mature beyond her years - more complex sentence structures, a more diverse vocabulary, things like that.
Hope this helps!
Amazing piece. First of all it is very well written and flows beautifully. Second of all, you make an excellent point - we have been given everything that we need to live really well, every single one of us. Often, poems praising God only make mention of big metaphorical issues, but you mentioned even the smaller things, which we often forget to thank Him for. I will refrain from going into a huge monologue - suffice to say that this poem made me happy. Thank you!
I think that you write really well. The story flowed really well. Second of all, I think that you should take out the F*** You, because it ruins the entire thing. Although it does make the statement quite clear, I find it's usually a cheap and easy way to make a point, you know? And you clearly have the writing skills to come up with something else ;) The other thing I would change is the description of the story - it's more of an ironic story than an evil story. So although your story is really well written, it kind of leaves the reader a bit disappointed, you know?
And sorry, I am not as eloquent today as I usually am :) Hope this helps!
Oh no! You stopped right before she told him what she needed to tell him! That's a devilishly smart yet evil thing to do :) Seriously though, WHAT HAPPENS?
And I think this shows that first of all, your writing is great since I read the whole thing, and your story is so engaging that I am a little bit annoyed that you stopped where you did! I honestly have nothing to say, it really is a great piece, it's polished and wonderful, it reads like a dream, there are no hiccups whatsoever, and I want to know what happens so pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease post Chapter 2! And pleeeeeeeeeease email me to let me know it's up :)
First of all I think you write really well. It all flows beautifully, there are no hiccups or painful transitions. I read the entire thing through, even ignoring the phone :) The story was really interesting, and the beginning was written in a way that made me want to hug the poor child.
However I do have to admit that the second half isn’t as good as the first half. It feels like you knew where the story was going before the middle, but after if feels a little half hazard. The fact that even then, the story is still interesting is a testament to your writing skills, but I think that if you could organise the second half as well as the first half, you’d go from having a great story to an amazing story.
The only paragraph in the first half that was a little off – a little less “flow-y” than the rest of the story is this one: “The timer rang and Mom went back to her cookies and I retreated to my homework. I complete the editing of my book report on East of Eden having related to the story like none of the other students in my class. My brother was the Wunderkind while I was always the disappointment no matter what I did or how hard I tried to please. With that out of the way, History was next. I knew why it was important for us to learn about events of the past, 'if you don't remember you are doomed to repeat them,' but the importance of knowing all the dates on which those events happened eluded me. I loved seeing how events directly triggered other equally momentous developments. I knew the order in which they happened, but the exact dates? When would I ever need to know them? I had no desire to be a contestant on Jeopardy.”. To be honest, I found that it didn’t do the rest of the story justice. Maybe a small rewrite?
The other thing that stood out was the swear word in the following paragraph: “Eight days and nights until she finally opened her eyes. I was relieved, though that was short lived. Her first words to me when she was able to focus her eyes were, "Why the f*** did you save me?"”. If I am not mistaken, you were trying to emphasize the mother’s anguish by putting in a word so foreign to what the reader had, up to now, associated with her. While this is a good tactic, I do have to admit that I am of the opinion that using such a tactic isn’t classy, and in the case of your story, I find that it’s another small detail that doesn’t do the rest of your story justice. Maybe describing how the daughter’s teary-eyed relief – how surprised was she to discover that maybe, just maybe, she did love her mother – was dashed away with the mother’s greeting: “Why did you save me? You couldn’t even let me die right.” The mother sighs. “Not even this you could do right.”
There was only one thing I would change in the actual plot. The woman is the biological daughter, so the father needs to or be more involved, or have an excellent reason that is clearly described and maintained throughout the story for not being more present in his daughter’s life, especially after she leaves the house.
I would give a hint earlier on that the main character is a girl; it throws the reader off a little when you realize it a couple of paragraphs in.
A small mistake: "The only time that flicker shoed through was when she was berating and tormenting me" = typo with the word "showed"
All in all, a great story that I do not regret reading, and that I find has potential to become a best-seller!
I like what you are doing - it's the quiet conversations that we all have at one point or another, the looks that tell it all, and you put them all together. ery good beginning! But it was a little hard to read. Maybe you could start by formatting it a little differently, as if it was a real conversation instead of writing it into your paragraph. I don't have any other ideas for now, but if I do I will definitely let you know.
Your poem vibrates with true feelings that everyone experiences. one thing that bothered me and that I find brings your piece down - of course, it could just be personal preference - is when you but the sentences in the middle of a line (I don't know the correct vocavulary in english, I studied poetry in french! sorry!). I think there would be more power and emotion in your poem if you'd work around these breaks and make each line a sentence or a part of a sentence, not breaking it in the middle and thus breaking the flow of the poem. The first paragraph's flow is amazing, I think you should model the rest of it on that. I hope this helps!
Hi! Amazing rhymes! The only one that was a little bumpy to read was "As you pass over, peace descends, A new better life for you begins.". I'd suggest working with those two to make it perfect. Another thing to make the flow go better is to manipulate your sentences with little words, "and", "but", etc, to make all your sentences, but esepcially the rhyming ones, have the same number of syllables.
Keep writing!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/shari
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 5:17pm on Nov 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
