Well I'm back for another review  I like the story line of this series so I plan on reading and reviewing all of it. I know for now you only have the first few chapters up but I'd love it if you posted more.
My thoughts:
"Time seemed to stand still during the lectures of the flame instructor" feels strangely worded. Try, time seemed to stand still during the flame instructor's lecture.
"and one of the yougest" and he was one. Only use a comma between two independent clauses, because they have to be sentences that could work on their own. Like what I just said see?
"He addressed his classroom now through a long gray beard and wisps of hair that hung over his eyes." Now, he addressed his class through a long gray beard and wisps of hair that hung over his eyes. I think it would sound better this way.
"His head leaned back and his eyes scanned over the same familiar section of ceiling, where each and every imperfection was already burned into his memory." His head leaned back and his eyes scannded over the same familiar section of ceiling--each and every imperfection already burned into his memory.
"from his left, slowly rolling his head" from his left, and he slowly rolled his head.
"forward, with long silver hair that nearly hid half his face." forward, and his long, silver hair nearly hid half his face. Or, forward--his long, silver hair nearly hid half his face.
"picture had exaggerated" You got two spaces in there 
"stifle his laughter as Zek" stifle his laughter, as Zek. Not sure if you would have to change it but usually a comma needs a conjunction unless a parts not really part of the sentence. Like it's just details or something.
"leaned back his chair." leaned back in his chair
"chair; he crossed his arms behind his head and his grin slowly faded as he began to again stare ahead at the old Magus." Okay I have nothing against semicolons but apparently the dash -- is starting to replace them in a lot of things. I didn't know that until like a week or so ago, but I still use them sometimes out of habit. Not sure if it would be important to change it, but I thought I'd let you know. Anyway, 'he crossed his arms behind his head, and his grin sloly faded as he turned back to the old Magus.' Two sentences that can stand on their need a comma at a conjunction. Really easy to write out a sentence and not even notice you missed it though
"him, his soft brown sleeves forming a comfortable pillow as he rested his head upon them" him, and his soft, brown sleeves formed a comfortable pillow to rest his head upon.
"His eyes flicked around the classroom as he rested on the desk, until he again noticed Zek had his eyes closed and appeared to have nearly gone to sleep." I don't really have any suggestions for how to rewrite this, but I don't think until is a conjunction. I'm not entirely sure so you might want to check it out, but 'until he again noticed Zek had his eyes closed and appeared to have gone to sleep.' could use some work. Until he noticed that Zek, once again, had his eyes closed appeared to nearly be asleep. Sounds better but you would need find a way to connect it.
"Quietly, he pulled his arm back onto the desk, where his head still lay; He flicked the coin towards Zek, which landed flat against his jaw" This could be two seperate sentences. 'Quietly, he pulled his arm back onto the desk--where his head still lay. He flicked the coin towards Zek, and it landed flat against his jaw.' I'd change 'landed flat against his jaw' though. He was just leaning back, but this makes it seem like he's lying down. Then in the next sentence the beginning makes it sound that way too, but in the end he lands and the front legs of the chair hit the ground. It's not a major problem but it could be smoother so the reader won't notice. Some people might not notice just reading through; I mean I'm reviewing I have to read closely but still you don't need to risk confusing anyone.
"Zek quickly sat up, the front legs of his chair hitting the hard floor with a loud thud as he landed." , Zek quickly sat up, and the front legs of his chair hit the hard floor with a loud thud when he landed.
"playful angry glance while Mason struggled to keep from laughing out loud. All eyes lay on Zek Cain in his black robe, with metal stitches that formed patterns throughout it to match his silver hair." Playful angry glance doesn't sound right. Try something like 'mock, angry glance'. 'glance, and Mason struggled to keep from laughing out loud.' 'robe, metal stitches forming patterns throughout to match his silver hair'. Nice description on the robe but try to come up with a design for the patterns to tell about here. Not extremely important but extra detail never hurts. Plus I'm curious about what you could come up with
“Sorry.” Zek said" "Sorry," Zek said,. Tags, he said, after dialogue use a comma unless you use another punctuation. Question mark, exclamation point. Also, if you don't use a proper name don't capitalize; even after a question mark or exclamation point. Beats, any action you use to show the speaker, don't use a comma at the end of the dialogue and do capitalize. Just learned all that recently too
"Come to the front of the class please.” Magus Grey said, in his wavering ancient voice." Same as before, except put a comma after wavering.
"away in an instant, the last" Split into a new sentence at the comma.
"Mason looked out over the room, taking note of familiar faces looking back at him, some already had smiles in anticipation of what was to come." 'room, and took note of the...him. Some already...'
"command over magic." command magic. "abilities to no avail" abilities but to no avail. "word was spread and he was" word was spread, and he was. "and mockery" double space again "He was used to those eyes now, the eyes that looked through him as if he wasn't there, sometimes he found himself to prefer those eyes over the eyes of hate and contempt." there, and sometimes, he found himself to prefer those over the eyes of hate and contempt. Eyes is understood so you could remove the first one. With it still there it sounds repetitive.
"them, the look he gave" them, and the look. "pattern of flames was" pattern of flames, was tied..., and was long enough.
"attention.” Magus" "attention," Magus... almost missed that
“Magus I--” "Magus, I--" When singling out a person you have to use commas around it. 'Go get me a sandwich, Bob, and hurry up.' "Zek started to protest, once again" Zek started to say. Once again,... Like I said in the last review you should really just stick with the 'say' tags. Protest is still simple but it might distract someone from the actual story. Just found this out but apparently using more vocabulary than just the 'say' words for tags is considered amateurish. Who would have guessed that? That's not what they teach in school
“Pay attention Zek Cain! No more interruptions!” The old mage belted back, and his fingertips pointed toward the sphere as his eyes began to glow with a red tinge." "Pay attention, Zek Cain!....." The old mage pointed his fingertips toward the sphere and his eyes began to glow with a red tinge." Goes back to the comma around the person you're singling out thing, and back to the tags and beats thing. You used belted back, which, if it wasn't for the fact that it's apparently amateurish, would be fine. Instead of using said, which I didn't think would work here, I used a beat.
"orb, drastically becoming" drop the comma and change becoming to become.
"on, Mason" on, and Mason... "felt the orb began" felt the orb begin
"toward his hands he saw the black" his hands, he saw... "orange color, it flickered with an internal fire as the old Magus focused on it." Period after color.
"slightly above and Mason saw" above, an Mason...
"The old Magus was too focused on his task that he had forgotten to stop, and both Mason and Zek knew that this would not end well." too focused on his task to remember to stop,... The original part sounds weird.
"Again Mason looked" Again,... This sentence is really long so if you can try to split it.
I know it's past Monday but here's what I have for now. I'm not done but well I figured you would like to at least get some of it I'll keep working on reviewing but you can start editing if you want. |
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| (4.5)
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It's original in the sense that most love poems are about these perfect stories and that's just not how life works. This one is real and written in a way where you feel the pain.