\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/shaolin
Review Requests: OFF
2 Public Reviews Given
22 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Donovan Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
So, reading this I found myself having two major problems. One, I don't really know exaclty what's going on. Now, that's not entirely a bad thing, but the way this is written it sort of feels...rushed I guess. Like you're trying to reign in everything in your head and just pour it out. It makes it seem scattered, disjointed. Second, it's really hard to tell exactly what time frame we're talking setting wise. It sounds like you have medevial (the closets full of buckets and brooms), victorian (the use of monocles), and present (the steak knife and teddy bears, as teddy bears were only really popular after teddy roosevelt).

My suggestions, slow it down just a bit. You jump into the action which is good, but it's just too much too quick and makes things feel disjointed. That being said, not a bad thing at all. I did like it, and would want to read more once it's a bit more concise.
1 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/shaolin