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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/shanelle
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25 Public Reviews Given
247 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
Review of Worst Date EVER  Open in new Window.
Review by shanelle Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I soooo needed this laugh today. This was awesome!
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2
Review of The Train Whistle  Open in new Window.
Review by shanelle Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)


For some reason, to me this sentence would read
better if you said- a note, instead of my note"

He would find only my note telling him not to try and find me.


This sentence needs a bit of revision
There was a mother with a small child, and elderly man in a black wool coat and a derby hat holding onto a cane.

You meant to say "an" (not and) elderly man in a black wool coat and a derby hat(comma), holding onto a cane.

dressed in my best Sunday dress semi-covered by a brown wool coat that was too small.

I think you may need a comma after the word dress.

A hand grabbed me under my chin and snapped my head up.

Tell me something about your chin. A hand grabbed me under my "fragile chin, pale chin, clefted chin, double chin, delicate chin, trembling chin... this is a great place to add description.


I looked into the face of Joseph and I began to tremble and cry

No need to say- I began- just say "and began to tremble and cry.

I enjoyed this story and it has lots of potential with a bit of revision. I found it well written, but a bit predictable. Not that that's a bad thing, I just kind of figured that Joseph was gonna show up at that train station. Perhaps if she'd made it to where she was going before he'd shown up, that'd make it more suspensful. At any rate, it was a pleasure to read and a story like this could definitly change someones' life. Please take my suggestions as compliments- use what you'd like and dicard the rest.

Thanks
Shanelle-


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Review by shanelle Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
WOW- That was good! I have this thing about just typing words into the WDC search system and today typed in racial. I was drawn to this entry and read it and loved it! It was powerful and at first I was stunned to read this took place in 1983,but then asked myself why was I stunned, and kept reading. It was a great story and the chess teachers statement of being white and not always knowing it but being black and always knowing is so true. I loved this story!
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Review by shanelle Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
WOW! This was awesome! I don't even know what to say- this is so relative to this day and time; one of the best peices I've read here on this site!
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Review by shanelle Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I loved it. I like the way it was written: felt like I was reading something written from a child. Straight to the point. Because of that this one line bothered me He was much older but he made me laugh and played games with my sister and I. The fact that you ended the sentence saying my sister and I. I know that's correct language, but from the way she speaks in the rest of the chapter, it stood out to me as being too formal. I think it would better fit with her character as saying my sister and me. But other than that, I loved it and would read more. I have to admit when I first started reading I was like, I am not going to like this, cuz of all the adverbs and it seemed like poor writing, but I quickly caught on that it was supposed to be that way and it was good. I enjoyed.

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Review by shanelle Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I'm curious to know, if you take advantage of the "perks" of these crazy holidays.. Like taking off work for instance.
and do you exchange/accept gifts on Christmas?
Just curious.

P.S This was written well, hence the good score
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Review by shanelle Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
wow, that was great!
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Review by shanelle Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
wow, I think this is powerful. Unique to see something like this written from a white person's veiw. As a black woman I can speak for most black people, but of course not all. I was taught to love everyone and not judge a person by their skin color, however at the same time I learned by listening and observing my family, that white people aren't to be trusted. Sure they'll act like your friends, but when it comes down to the get down, they're going to protect their own. My grandfather would tell me, don't you marry no white man. I had a crush on a white guy at my school.I said granddaddy that's wrong... He said, baby I'm just telling you the truth.You can't trust em. He took me around and showed me parts of the city that used to be all white and all black, he showed me how far he had to walk to school when there was one for white people just down the street. He would tell me how even when segregation took place the school would go on trips and the white kids could get as much soda as they wanted, while the blacks were instructed not to ask for anymore. As an adult, I know that people only know what they are taught and what they have been through. How can I expect my grandfather to trust white people when he lived through an era when his friends were killed just for having sex with a white woman? I agree that with some people you can look at them and tell so much about them. Kinda like when my husband drives to the store and as he's getting out the car, the white woman in the parking lot locks her doors. She's been taught- that black man will rob you. It's all stero types. All black people like fried chicken, white people don't season their food. White people let their kids run around like crazy with no discipline. All black men are thugs. I think the way this country started is to blame. It's hard to change creatures of habit. It's not right but its' true. I notice the way white men approach me, almost as if it's a secret, they look over their shoulders like they don't want to get caught talking to the black woman. The way each race acts is something we've all gotten used to . And I am familiar with that look you speak of. I'm sure you don't mean it this way, but when I see that look on a white person, I feel the urge to start acting "black" just to urk with him. It comes off like a dry, you're dirty, don't touch me nigger kind of look.
Anyway, I know this essay you wrote is old, and I don't mean to bore you with these thoughts, but I found this so interesting, honest and well written. As a black woman I know that it seems to be OK for black people to voice their opinion on your race, but not vice versa. Even though I meant everything I said, I can say that when a white person initiates conversation, or a smile, or anything warm, we laugh and talk and color melts away. Black people are on guard and usually let the white person show what kind of person they are first, then everything runs smoothly. We don't want to feel stupid or embarrassed. Its a shame in today's time this still exsists. But its true. With some people I meet, race isn't an issue, but if I even sense that look.. that's when I get on guard.
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Review by shanelle Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
wow- you go girl
makes me proud to be a black woman
keep in mind everybody isn't ready to go that deep
some might not understand
just a few grammer problems- but I still couldn't knock the grades for these- thought about it and changed my mind

Humanity owes a debt to be I'm sure you meant me

See I hate to boost
but the world seem to be confused

did you mean to say boast?
and you should say seems instead of seem

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10
Review by shanelle Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
If you want my very honest opinoin- I think you are a talented writer, but I think that you are trying to make your writing good instead of just believing in yourself and letting it flow. You had so many how can I say it BIG WORDS that it took all of my brain to interpret everything instead of just enjoy the read. Kind of like in English class where the teacher asks you - What is the meaning of the tree in Chapter 2 and you're like damn maybe it was just a tree. Do you follow me? I know you are an excellent writer. I can tell that by the intellect of the story. However don't try to impress. Write, then go back read over and try to improve but dont' make it so that only college nerds will want to read your work for a challenge.
But this is only my opinion

besides her brother Jesse.- think you should get rid of her and say besides brother Jesse.

Regan lives breathes and operates in silence. need comma after lives

My silence was louder than his noise, and I had a notion he would get the hint. use a semi colon here and get rid of the and. louder than his noise; I had a notion...


Light skinned with dark and blonde hair,
maybe a typeo but dark and blonde hair kind of breaks the flow for me I am confused by this sentence.


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Review by shanelle Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I thouught this was really great. It was very touching
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