Love it love it love it. This is one of my favorite themes, the "femme fatale," and you certainly do her justice in this piece. Beautiful imagery and I like the way it climaxes. My favorite stanza has to be, "Hearts pounding in chests/Desire leads the way/On curves of her breasts/Soft raven locks lay." I like the way it conveys an emotion (the heart pounding) with a beautiful image (the raven locks on the curve of a breast), I love the way this piece kind of scares you and sensitizes you at the same time throughout, seducing you, the reader, almost in the same manner "Death's Mistress" herself does, so that when those bones break at the end it's harsh and pretty at the same time and you feel connected to her victim.
I think this is perfect the way it is, and I don't always say that or feel that way after reading a poem. I loved how you capitalized certain concepts(Convention, Current, Time, etc.) to add emphasis to them, almost anthropomorphising them into characters (Gods maybe?), and it captures a kind of helplessness I think we all feel and experience from time to time. Lovely flow, also.
Haunting and evocative and there's something kind of lonely about this piece, the imagery was beautiful and the flow was perfect, each line connects to the next as easily and naturally as tributaries of a stream connect and flow into one another. My favorite line or image was, "The sunlight filtering/Almost magically/Through the branches." It's simple and maybe that's what makes it work so well.
Erotica written in 2nd-person is always a little more hot than erotica written in any other perspective, to me, because it leaves the reader with the impression that everything that's happening to the main character is happening to him (or her? :-X) and, given all that the main character in this story experiences... I like that sensation a lot. I mean, who wouldn't want to find themselves in a situation like this? My only criticism is that the dialogue is a little cheesy. But so is the scenario, but that's what makes it hot I guess. Those erotic cliches are cliches for a reason.
Wow, the honesty in this is intense, almost too intense for me in parts, it really throws you into someone's vividly intimate moment, since suicidal thoughts are so personal. This really reminds me of my more angsty adolescent years, in middle school, in the way that the protagonist is viewing life and death. At 13 I really felt my existence was contingent upon any number of external influences being in place the way they should, and I didn't feel they were, so I experienced suicidal convictions, but I've since learned we're not living for anyone but ourselves and you and only you can take responsibility for your life and the quality of your life. Others may be responsible for the tormentation of your soul, but you're responsible for activating the first steps neccesary to heal yourself. I sincerely hope you're past this experience and writing in retrospect, because I look forward to reading more of your writing.
Writing is a good way to channel these feelings your having into something productive and proactive, instead of keeping them inside where they will only grow and grow like tumors. I'm 22 and experienced everything you're experiencing now and, you know, believe it or not I have remained close with the people I was close to as a sophomore in high school. One of the girls who was my best friend at the time is studying abroad in Egypt now, so there's been some great distance, but we keep in touch and I just received a postcard from her, and before she left I saw her pretty regularly for dinners or coffee. The other girl I got close to moved to California, but I can't seem to shake her off either cuz she's always driving up to visit me for weekends. There's all this hype in high school with regard to relationships and how ephemeral they are there, but in my opinion they'll only be as ephemeral as you want them to be. If you want to lose somebody after high school, lose 'em. If you want to keep them, work hard to keep them. Friendship does become work, as you grow older, but all the best things in life take effort. Keep your chin up and keep writing!
Oh my, I absolutely love this. It's so whimsical and clever and then deep and abysmal but ends on a perfect note after all its different movements, like an orchestral piece. I love how it opens with some unsolicited advice that repeatedly gets pressed on you throughout the first few paragraphs that create a bit of fun foreshadowing that isn't so much ominious as exciting. I love that it's in 2nd-person, ultimately. What a perfect fairy tale with such a deep and lovely metaphor running beneath it like an underwater stream.
I love the stream-of-consciousness flow this piece has. It reads like it should be coming out of your mouth at an open mic night. I like your use of symbols to stamp words in the reader's mind within an intended context (fat cat$), and the rhyme scheme rarely feels forced. Though this is clearly a political poem, there's a lot of passion in this, and that's what I respect and enjoy about it the most, raw feeling.
I love the opening line, "Two philandering seeds of deviance/happen off guard to each other." It immediately caught my attention and related me to the piece. This is incredibly romantic and sensual, maybe even a little sexual, and I wish it was written about me.
I like the way you pull the reader into your thought flow. It spits you out dissatisfied and without any answers at a frustration pinnacle, spent, but I think that was your intent. I like the period at the end of "I'm done" that separates that line from "Typing furiously" and leaves you wondering just how done the author actually is... Because it leads me to believe you aren't done "typing furiously," and may never be, just... done with this stream of consciousness.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/shai
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 6:21am on Nov 25, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
There's all this hype in high school with regard to relationships and how ephemeral they are there, but in my opinion they'll only be as ephemeral as you want them to be. If you want to lose somebody after high school, lose 'em. If you want to keep them, work hard to keep them. Friendship does become work, as you grow older, but all the best things in life take effort. Keep your chin up and keep writing!