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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/shabd
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15 Public Reviews Given
19 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by shabd Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wonderful job! Not only in terms of writing it, but also in the theme and the way you brought the emotions out. I really liked this piece. *Smile*

Suggestions

*Note1* Her handshakes as it weakly grasps the tube of lipstick, holding it between her fingers like a precious diamond. Her hand still unsteady, she lifts it up to her lips and smears a thin but even layer over her thin lips.

I believe you meant "hand shakes". Also, in the second sentence, you could probably write it like this: "She unsteadily lifts it up to her lips..." This way, you combine the two parts, and also manage to avoid repeating yourself.

*Note1* I watch her, mesmerized, at her pale skin and prominent bones.

You can remove the first "her" and the comma after "mesmerized": "I watch, mesmerized at her pale..."

*Note1* All I can do is gape at her, taking her in; as if this is the first time I've ever seen her.

After "taking her in", there should be a comma, no semi-colon.

*Note1* Her skin used to be tan.

Her skin used to be tanned.

*Note1* I cringe at the remembrance of her once slender, curvy, figure, now reduced to a pile of skin and bones.

There should be no comma after "curvy".

*Note1* My hands easy close over hers.

My hands easily close over hers.

*Note1* Now, the only place her name would be printed would be the obituary.

You're repeating "would be" twice in this sentence. Instead, you can use "was" the second time. Your sentence would then be: "...name would be printed was the obituary."

Comments

As I mentioned, I loved the whole story. It's quite short, but it's a complete story in itself, which is commendable. I really have no comments to give, apart from telling you to watch those small grammatical mistakes. Often, they're because of typos or because we type too fast to process. The only suggestion I can give is to proof read your articles carefully before posting them online.

Also, watch your spacing. Often, the presentation and look of the page is a factor in sustaining the interest of a reader. There should be adequate spacing between your paragraphs.

Best of luck for your future writings. *Thumbsup*
2
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Review by shabd Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wonderful! You've certainly done a commendable job...I simply couldn't take my eyes away from the screen! I loved your story.

Suggestions

*Note1* I used to dream wonderful things and wake up with ideas teeming, playing like tiny movies just behind my eyelids.

I think it would be better if it was: "I used to dream about wonderful things..."

*Note1* I roll out of bed and sway across the cold floor to the bathroom.

Can you 'sway' across the floor, in this context? Perhaps a word like 'stumbled' would be better...

*Note1* It’s already almost ten in the morning.

You can remove the 'already' from this sentence. It's unnecessary.

Comments

Like I mentioned, I loved it. Your grammar is wonderful, your vocabularly is good, your plot is original and well-rounded; I really can't find much to criticize. *Smile*

Best of luck for your future writings! *Thumbsup*
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Review by shabd Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very nice! I loved the whole light, easy atmosphere that you built...it is really commendable.

Suggestions

*Note1* She tried to concentrate on the screen of her laptop computer in front of her, but inspiration was slow to come today.

Laptop and computer mean the same thing. I would suggest removing "computer" from this sentence.

*Note1* “Do you come her often,” he asked.

Typo, I presume. It should be "here".

*Note1* But, he was trying not to be noticed but to go unnoticed.

They mean the same thing. You can remove the second part, and keep it simply: "But he was trying not to be noticed." I also removed the comma, because I felt it was unnecessary.

*Note1* His audience had already snapped their pictures, though and were quickly gathering the belongings, intending, no doubt, to approach him.

Quickly gathering their belongings. Another typo, I think. *Smile*

*Note1* She was pretty, not exquisite, but not plain.

I think you should add "either" at the end, and instead of the first comma, add a semi-colon. Make it: "She was pretty; not exquisite, but not plain either."

Comments

In terms of grammar, you need to take care of your commas. There are many places where you've skipped them. Also, remember to proofread your articles very carefully before posting them online -- your typos can be avoided that way.

In terms of plot, well, I won't say that it's very original, but it is still very interesting. I really enjoyed reading it.

Why did you choose this format, though? First the girl's perspective, then the boy's. It gets boring later, because I'm reading something which I've already read. Most of the sentences also remain the same, so it gets repetitive. That's the only thing I did not like.

Best of luck, continuing this thing. Do let me know when you've written something else, or you've edited this piece -- I would love to read it again. *Thumbsup*
4
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Review of The Verdict  Open in new Window.
Review by shabd Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very nice! Your story made for a pleasant read, and was very light and easy, unlike the sad, angsty story I was expecting.

Suggestions

*Note1* Abdul swayed his arms above his head and cast his net into the seas one more time.

Swayed? Can you sway your arms above your head? Perhaps it can be: "Abdul swung his arms..."

*Note1* And He could not wait for his baby boy to grow up a bit so he could take him along and train him, just as his father had trained him when he was only a little child.

Why is "He" capitalized? Also, you should remove "a bit" in the middle...it's unnecessary. You can also remove "only" at the end...it's not needed either. Your sentence would then be: "And he could not wait for his baby boy to grow up, so he could take him along and train him, just as his father had trained him when was a little child."

*Note1* She would cook a good meal and also put some savings into her small wooden box she kept hidden in an iron chest under their bed.

Grammatically, there are some errors in this sentence. It should be: "...meal and also put some savings into her small wooden box, which she kept hidden..."

Or, you could remove "her" and say "the" instead. Then your sentence would be: "...mean and also put some savings into the small wooden box she kept hidden..."

*Note1* It was early morning still as Abdul rowed the boat back to the beach.

"Still" should come before "early morning". It should be: "It was still early morning as..."

*Note1* It is a piece of cotton cloth draped around the waist and Abdul had folded it above his knees.

Change of tense here. Your entire story is in the past tense; why have you used "is" here then? It should be: "It was a piece..."

*Note1* It glistened with his sweat as the early rays of sun fell upon his well toned muscles.

It should be "...early rays of the sun..." Also, it should be "well-toned".

*Note1* Officials of the “Naidu Fishing Company” or NFC as it was popularly known were swarming on the beach.

You've missed a comma here. After "popularly known", there should be a comma. Also, you can remove the "and" at the beginning of the next sentence.

*Note1* NFC had offered employment to every fisherman as a compensation for their loss in livelihood.

It should be "...loss of livelihood."

*Note1* Abdul remembered fondly that night as it was also his wedding night. He narrated with great pride about their court victory to his wife.

Perhaps writing it this way would be better: "Abdul remember that night fondly, as it was also his wedding night. He had narrated their court victory to his wife with great pride."

*Note1* That was before 3 years, and the fishermen were confident that they would win this time as well.

"That was 3 years before..." I've exchanged the words slightly, and put "before" after "3 years".

*Note1* Abdul tied his boat to wooden post dug deep into the beach.

You missed a "the" before "wooden".

Comments
Like I've mentioned, it was a pleasant and light reading. The only mistakes I could find were all grammatical ones, so if you concentrate on proofreading your writing before posting it online, I'm sure you'll fix those as well.

Regarding your title, I feel that you could have done a better job choosing a more catchy one. While "The Verdict" is not bad, it's also nothing very interesting. I must admit that it was only your summary that made me open and read this story.

But now that I've done so, I'm glad, for I really enjoyed it. Do ensure that you pick up on those small errors while reading through your finished work. Work on your sentence structuring, and don't forget those commas!

Best of luck for your future writings! *Thumbsup*
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Review by shabd Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Wow, you've certainly painted a vivid portrait of the beggars in India! Not only the content, but also the style of writing -- it's extremely powerful.

Suggestions
*Note1* I noticed that you've made the mistake of writing "it's" instead of "its" at many places. It's a common mistake that people make, without even realizing it. Perhaps some of them might even be typos...in any case, you should make sure that you proofread your writing very carefully once you're done. Some of the sentences which had this error are:

1984 with it's dulled edges and crackened, blackened crevices.

Everything is in it's colourful puzzle-piece place.

*Note1* When the wrist flicks the coins in the old tin can. (1st para)

Grammatically, it's wrong. It should be: "When the wrist flicks, the coin's in the old tin can."

*Note1* It's this beggar's corner of sidewalk. (2nd para)

There should be a "the" before "sidewalk". The sentence would then be: "It's this beggar's corner of the sidewalk."

Even better, however, would be if you wrote the sentence like this: "This was his corner of the sidewalk."

*Note1* Repetition and life submission-the samesame day after day.

Life submission? What does that mean? And if you're saying "repetition" at the beginning, then you're only repeating yourself by saying "the same day after day" at the end. They both mean the same thing.

This must probably be a typo, but it should be "...the same day after day".

*Note1* The date on the rupees that might be dropped are the only variation. 1984 with it's dulled edges and crackened, blackened crevices. 2008 gleams optimistically into the future.

Just a suggestion, but I think you should combine these sentences. Something along the lines of this: "The date on the rupees that were dropped are the only variation: 1984, with its dulled edges and crackened, blackened crevices; 2008, gleaming optimistically into the future."

I also changed "might be" to "were" in my example above; I think it might be better that way.

*Note1* A paise is dropped: forgotten in the vaulting economy - it's more insult than alms.

Instead of ":", you should just put a comma...I think it would be more suitable. Also, it should be "...it's more insulting than alms."

*Note1* The cracked red leather chappals stop at the shrine every day at 8 o'clock. The cracked burping toenails of elephant density rub against red rotting leather.

You've used the word "cracked" twice. In the first sentence, perhaps you could change it to "torn" or something...

Comments
As I mentioned before, you've painted a vivid picture of the beggars. However, I also feel that your writing is leaning toward the material aspect of their lives, and nothing else. What about them as people? What about their feelings, emotions? The lone tear trickling down his face when he thinks nobody is looking; or the wince he tries to hide, as his naked feet are burned on the hot sidewalk? What about the look of absolute helplessness, or even the look of simple happiness as they count their day's earnings?

Even if it were just an account of what a passerby might see, when he sees these beggars, I feel that it can only be well-rounded if you include all aspects of it.

Leaving that aside, I must admit that I was slightly confused while reading about the second character, Limbless Man. I had to go through it twice, to make sure that I fully understood it. If you could somehow clarify it, or write it in more simple language, I feel it would be much more enjoyable. While it is good to have some depth and complexity in your writing, it is not good if the reader doesn't understand what you've written at all.

These are just my comments and suggestions. Feel free to disregard them if you disagree. It is, after all, your piece of work. But honestly, I did enjoy reading it, and I hope you continue writing such detailed descriptions...best of luck!
6
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Review of Letters  Open in new Window.
Review by shabd Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very nice! You have a very strong writing style; your writing comes across as very forceful. I really liked your story.

Suggestions
Just a few suggestions I had...feel free to disregard any if you disagree. It is, after all, your story.

*Note1* “To hell with it,” he said, sitting up in hurried anger.

"Hurried anger" doesn't sound as though it fits in the flow...if you could change it to "sudden anger", I feel it would be more suitable.

*Note1* A single, dried, red rose, depleted of most of its petals, lay in the bottom. The fallen petals had been placed into a Ziploc bag and tucked under the withered stem.

Instead of "lay in the bottom", you can say "lay at the bottom. Also, the fallen petals had been placed in a Ziploc bag, not "into".

*Note1* Another deep breath brought a tear, which ebbed slowly and trickled down his left cheek to his chin.

You can get rid of the "ebbed slowly" and instead say "...tear, which slowly trickled down his left cheek to his chin."

*Note1* They had gone to dinner and Jack surprised Emily with a diamond ring he’d bought in the hope that she would someday agree to be his wife.

Jack had surprised Emily. You could also put it this way: "They had gone to dinner, where Jack had surprised Emily with a diamond ring, which he'd bought in the hope that she would someday agree to be his wife."

*Note1* Both of them had been in relationships where the word “love” was batted back and forth, like a birdie in a badminton game - one person always trying to score with it by landing a well-placed shot.

You can remove the words "with it" at the end...they're not needed. Then your sentence would be: "...one person always trying to score by landing a well-placed shot."

Comments
Like I've mentioned before, your writing style is extremely forceful. Perhaps the one area where I found fault was with the loose ends in the story. In the middle, Emily mentions something about a child, and the mother...but just as suddenly as they were mentioned, they're forgotten. What child was she talking about? What happens to the child when Jack is arrested?

Apart from that, I really didn't find anything else to pick on. Wonderful job!
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Review by shabd Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Yes, you have certainly made some changes; it does seem better now. *Smile*

I really like your style of writing...it's very straight-forward. No fancy stuff, no softening the effect; it has a very direct impact on the reader. Especially at the end. *Thumbsup*

Just a few more suggestions I had, while reading it a second time:

*Right* It was deep enough to break the skin surface, a permanent reminder of abuse and a ruined "normal" life.
*Note4* Nothing wrong, but just a suggestion: instead of "a ruined "normal" life", if you could say " a "normal" life ruined", I think it would sound better.

*Right* It wasn't talked about in polite circles where her parents belonged.
*Note4* There should be a "the" before polite. The sentence would then be: "It wasn't talked about in the polite circles where her parents belonged."

*Right* The rest of the weekend she stayed on the sofa under a quilt trying to read. Actually she was reliving the scene over and over.
*Note4* I think you should combine the two sentences, and make it: "The rest of the weekend she stayed on the sofa, under a quilt, trying to read; but in reality, she was reliving the scene over and over."
*Note4* Even if you don't combine them, and leave it as it is, you should include commas after 'sofa' and 'quilt' (like I've done in the sample sentence above).

I had a few more suggestions too, but I accidentally deleted my post, so I lost the entire review I had previously written. But it was certainly a pleasure re-reading your story. I liked it the first time, and I've only liked it even more after the second. Best of luck for your future writings!
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Review of Remembering Him  Open in new Window.
Review by shabd Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Initial Impressions
When I first opened this page, I must admit that I was slightly put-off...not because of the poem itself, which is truly a very sweet and meaningful one, but because of it's presentation. In my opinion, punctuations are seriously underrated. Not only do they help the reader understand better, but they also make the poem look good. And while you have included them at some random places, I feel that your poem would only have been benefitted by having them.

What I Liked
I really liked the last four lines of your poem...in my opinion, they're the most catchy, and they also sum up the entire thing and bring your point across very well.

Your rhyme scheme is also pretty impressive...you've managed to somehow keep it steady all throughout the poem. In the beginning, though, it does get off-track slightly, but after that, it's all smooth sailing!

Suggestions
*Right* to salvation He bought
Perhaps you should include "the" and write it thus: to the salvation He bought
It's just a suggestion, though, and you are free to disregard it if you disagree.
*Question* I did find myself wondering, though...why would He buy salvation?

Do keep in mind the importance of punctuation. Other than that, I found it to be a truly touching poem, with a wonderful message. *Smile*
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