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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sgibbs
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2 Public Reviews Given
3 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by te_arai Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Kathie,
I liked your story, specifically the subject matter, its brief timeframe and the way you tried to build tension into it.

I did enjoy the way you brought the mothers' rushing thoughts into play. It must be the most scariest thing in real life.

The pace was good and I have seen other stories where the pace has been presented by combining a series of actions/events in a longer sentence broken with commas and semi-colons. Sort of gives the paragraph a racy feel.

Regarding improvement, I did feel that the story was a bit "tell" rather than "show".

For example you wrote:

Nathan's room was straight across the hall. She was fighting panic, her heart was racing and she couldn't breathe. She was praying out loud, "God, give me strength". Then she heard the cheap windows popping just like fire crackers.

When something like this may have worked:

Fighting back panic, she crawled across the hall to Nathan's room, heart racing as she fought for breath, praying out loud, "God, give me strength." The cheap windows began popping around her like fire crackers.

Having said that, that is just my own opinion.

Good work.

Stewart
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Review of Victims Anonymous  Open in new Window.
Review by te_arai Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi there,
What a wonderful short, short story. I really enjoyed it.
I have to say though, that I felt the first half was much more powerful that the second half of the story. The tension as your character move toward and into the building was very good and I liked the way you made the victims voice stand out.
Then, i just felt it rushed a bit. Not that I didn't like that, it just seemed to take off and I was looking forward to more......
Ha ha.
Anyway, I thought it was great and I love the use of language and the chilling way you use the, such as "cheap bitches, he thought while sharpening his scalpel to begin his work" makes you wonder what he actually does to these poor women.
Regards Stewart
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