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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sgambill72
Review Requests: OFF
1,288 Public Reviews Given
2,164 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I review from the viewpoint of a reader not an editor; focusing on overall content and characterization. I do point out grammar and spelling errors, but that is not the main focus of my review.
I'm good at...
Pointing out questions that a reader may have after finishing a story and identifying areas that contradict information previously given.
Least Favorite Genres
Fanfiction
Favorite Item Types
short stories, books, essays and non-fiction
Least Favorite Item Types
Intensely personal items where an author might take offense at suggestions offered.
Public Reviews
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Review of Requiem  Open in new Window.
Review by Diane Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
The poem conveys a since of sadness and makes me think of a life alone. Yet knowing it's from a headstone I can imagine a different life for her. One filled with friendship and creativity or perhaps travel. The message, or lack thereof, on the stone allows the reader to imagine the life they wish for this goodhearted woman.

Thanks for sharing this poem.
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Review of Silent Dolls  Open in new Window.
Review by Diane Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
My grandmother collected dolls and had them arranged around her house on shelves close to the ceiling. These lines describe them perfectly:

Vibrant, coloured eyes,

Soulless and enchanting.

The comparison of dolls for display to social media is wonderful and the poem exposes the dark underside of what and how people choose to share. The only discrepancy, which isn't addressed in this poem, is the division of society due to the selective display.

Overall a nice poem that made me think. Well done.
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Review by Diane Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
As requested, I have reviewed "The Birthing Ceremony" Open in new Window.. Please let me know if you have questions about anything below.

Overall Impression

It was a somber scene and you lay it out in detailed descriptions. I didn't find much connection with the characters as the scene unfolded. There were hints of Andreas' personality with the thoughts of his mate and reaction to the human girl. The strength of Calliope is evident in her silence during the birth, but otherwise I don't get a feel for her character.

Suggested Changes

There are areas where sentence structure changes could improve the flow of the story. I point out a few below, but encourage you to read through and look for additional areas where these principles could be applied.

*Bullet*Nestled almost out of sight, deep in the narrow valley of Pleistos, beneath the Phaedriades[add comma] high on the lower slopes of Parnassos[add comma] rests a Tholos temple.

*Bullet*A ring of stones sits atop the columns leaving the temple open to the heavens above, nine figures cloaked in darkness, followed by one dressed in white [add comma] move through the night [add comma] their steps bathed by the light of the moon. Break this into smaller sentences by adding a period after "heavens above"

*Bullet* Moonlight bathing her in an ethereal glow and her Mate Andreas, a tall, dark-haired, blue-eyed Vampire whose sole attention was riveted by the woman who carried his child. This sentence is awkward. Perhaps breaking it up by ending after glow and focusing on Andreas in the next sentence would improve the flow.

Conclusion

This reads more like a scene from a story rather than a complete tale. What is written is very descriptive and I can picture the scene clearly. I think more character development is needed to understand the scene fully. You introduce a lot of characters, but the reader doesn't get to know how they fit into the tale. You have piqued my curiosity and I hope you work on this one more as it is very different and has potential.
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Review of One Way  Open in new Window.
Review by Diane Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
I love the idea of traveling somewhere seeking treasure only to be trapped. I admire you taking up the challenge of writing flash fiction along with the inclusion of specific words. There are areas that can be streamlined to save on the word count that would also increase the impact such as the following:

Once they got in inside, they became were trapped like with the rest of us.

Eliminating extra words will allow you to add more explanation so that the tale doesn't come to an abrupt end and leave questions for the reader.

Good luck in the contest. Write On!
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Review by Diane Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I enjoyed the story. You have a knack for descriptive phrases that pull the reader into the moment. The tale was rushed in a few places, which left questions for the reader.

What was the relationship between the king and his niece? They seem cordial, but were they close? He didn't seem to confide in her or really respond to her visions. Perhaps these details were left out due to word count limits for the contest, but as a reader I hope you go back and fill in some of the gaps.

Another question I had was related to the relationship between the king and Alessia. He seemed distraught, but left regardless. In the beginning of the story she seemed important and he was distraught, but I don't feel her impact otherwise in the tale.

The relationship with the count was another area where more detail would be welcome. In one scene they appeared close and then she left with no further mention of him.

The missing crown rushed past and I don't see the connection to the rest of the tale. Perhaps this was part of the prompt and on a rewrite could be further integrated or removed if not necessary to the story.

Overall it was a lovely introduction to the characters and I enjoyed your skill with descriptions. I hope you go back and revise to flesh out some of the weaker areas. Write On!
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Review of magpies  Open in new Window.
Review by Diane Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
The story has a feeling of menace that grows as the plot progresses. I enjoyed the image of the magpie as foretelling of a death. I expected that something was in the area of the garden and so I wasn't surprised at the ending. The mention of the superstition reinforced by her father was a nice addition that gives the reader a glimpse into the main character's mind. I would love to see this story expanded to give it a bit more depth.

The first sentence could be shortened to remove the reference to vermin. The magpies clustering are enough to form a mental picture for the reader without comparing them to vermin. Perhaps adding some typical reference to magpie behavior would enhance the imagery.

The thought of a bare toe touching the soft "something" in the grass was very creepy. Nice job.

Thanks for sharing your writing with the members of Writing.Com. Write On!
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Review by Diane Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like the playful tone of the poem. It starts out strong and then struggles a bit before getting the the final lines to reveal her motivation for eating candy corn. Still, for writing this in under 24 hours you have expressed a clear message to the reader in an enjoyable fashion. Thanks for the fun read and good luck in
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The Writer's Cramp Open in new Window. (13+)
Write the best poem or story in 24 hours or less and win 10K GPS!
#333655 by Sophy New Year Author IconMail Icon
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Review by Diane Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I liked the format of this poem. The repetition drove home the sense of exhaustion and sadness that she must have felt. There were a couple of areas where I thought you might have an extra comma and a typo, but overall it was an enjoyable read.

Suggestions

*Bullet* You don't need the comma after "as if"
*Bullet* I believe you meant baskets in the second line
*Bullet* In the last stanza, second line, did you mean clothes instead of cloths?

The final stanza was a bit confusing as I thought she only had one plastic basket. Perhaps you were referring to all three, including the two already removed, but that was unclear.

Thanks for sharing this poem. I love how an ordinary situation can say so much. Well done.
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Review of A Bridge to You  Open in new Window.
Review by Diane Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window..

The love he has for his son is palpable. I feel his pain as the story progresses. I was surprised to find it had been five years as the pain seems fresh. The guilt explains the lack of progress in his life, but the reason for the loss, and his role in it is a bit obscure. Some additional details about why his wife blamed him would allow the reader to understand their distance and his continued punishment.

I couldn't get a good feel for what he did prior to the loss, but his current occupation is evident and I love the idea that he is building a bridge between them.

Thank you for entering "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window., winners will be announced shortly.
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Review of The mill.  Open in new Window.
Review by Diane Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!

Overall

I enjoyed the progression of the story. You do a nice job building tension as the tale moves forward. Your descriptions were such that I could follow the story without being overwhelmed with detail. The ending felt rushed and either needs to be expanded when the contest winners are announced or cut down elsewhere to make the climax of the tale more powerful.

Questions

*Bullet* Who was Haji? You mention him teaching bomb-making without more information as to when, how or why he was involved in Milo's life.

*Bullet* The ending seems to bring a separate motivation to light other than that already established by his father dying of lung cancer, his mother's depression and the lack of opportunity in the town. I don't think anything else is needed and distracts from the plot you've already established.

Conclusion

Milo has plenty of motivation to be upset with the factory. I don't think the religious angle that you hint at in the end is necessary. Many acts are motivated simply by a personal feeling of inequity without needing more. His expertise is established and his flashbacks hint that he isn't thinking as clearly as he might so you could leave it at that without introducing the other layer. Milo is a complex and interesting character.

I enjoyed the story, but I'd suggest adding some spacing between lines as a huge chunk of text can be overwhelming when read online and many potential readers will close the story and move on to another.

Thank you for entering "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window., winners will be announced shortly.
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Review by Diane Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window..

I like the approach you took to the prompt. Having a cat as the main character was interesting as you could show the reader many sides of the story in areas where a human might not be able to go.

The emotion didn't come through to me as a reader since the cat just accepted whatever happened and moved along in search of food. While true to life, it would have been more powerful had he connected with one of his caretakers on a deeper level and you were able to show the loss though his eyes.

Thank you for entering "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window., winners will be announced shortly.
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Review by Diane Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!

The story is powerful and leaves the reader with a dramatic image of what could be. I found myself immediately drawn into the tale and could picture the scene and the action as the story progressed. I enjoyed the build up of tension and the interaction between Brian and MAC. The ending was unexpected and I have some question over whether he could pilot the shuttle so quickly after such a devastating event.

Thank you for entering "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window., winners will be announced shortly.
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Review by Diane Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!

I enjoyed that you took a different approach to the prompt. However, this story reads more like a historical accounting rather than a short story. I think that you were so intent on conveying the historical "facts" that you neglected the plot. The character isn't introduced until the end of the tale so I wasn't invested as a reader.

There is a clear correlation to the picture prompt and the details surrounding the historical deviations were interesting and well told. I think this would work better as a much longer piece where you could weave the history into the tale in pieces while developing the character and forwarding the plot.

Thank you for entering "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window., winners will be announced shortly.
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Review by Diane Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!

Overall

This story was touching. I could feel the confusion from Jim and his forgetfulness is evident as was his apologetic nature.

Response to Prompt: What is a typical day in the life of your character?

You manage to show the despair, yet sprinkle that with moments of clarity and joy as you share Jim's day with the reader.

Conclusion

My father in law had Alzheimer's disease so I'm familiar with the confusion and the constant questioning. The one thing that didn't come through was the frustration felt by those afflicted as well as those around them. Eventually for many that turns to anger and ugly outbursts, but I don't think Jim was there yet or perhaps his personality just didn't go in that direction. You do a nice job giving the reader a glimpse into the day of this character.
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Review of THE NEWBIE  Open in new Window.
Review by Diane Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!

Overall

You do a nice job drawing the reader into the tale and introducing them to Derrald. His interactions with his coworkers were uncomfortable and you made the reader feel his confusion as the day went on.

Response to Prompt: What is a typical day in the life of your character?

The peculiarities of the character come through clearly and the reader gets a feel for the discomfort Derrald must feel in what would for others be ordinary encounters. He was an interesting character and made the reader take a fresh viewpoint at a day at work. Nicely done.


Suggestions

*Bullet* Typo: As his eyes focussed focused


Conclusion

I enjoyed your take on the prompt and the introduction to a unique character.
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Review of Weeping Island  Open in new Window.
Review by Diane Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!

Overall

I enjoyed the story and getting to know Willard. His compassion was clear and his sadness was evident.

Response to Prompt: What is a typical day in the life of your character?

You did a good job introducing the character to the reader. His actions clearly showed his core values.

Conclusion

This was an enjoyable tale and despite the sadness it had a hopeful ending. There were some questions left such as why he was alone and who he called on the phone. Answering those questions would strengthen the story for the reader and allow them to know him better.
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Review of Elgor e'Thrumm  Open in new Window.
Review by Diane Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!

Overall

I love the idea of schlompf worker living below ground and keeping everything running smoothly. I wasn't certain of their relationship to the Dwellers. Do they know of each other? I don't believe they do, but I wasn't certain.

Response to Prompt: What is a typical day in the life of your character?

This clearly outlines a day in the life of this worker. The ending was a nice twist and showed a facet of the character that was unexpected. His dedication to his job and the reputation of his family was clear to the reader.


Suggestions

*Bullet* Typo: a mystery to them than theres theirs is to me


Conclusion

I enjoyed your take on the prompt and am intrigued by this character and his story.
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Review of Walter Engrid  Open in new Window.
Review by Diane Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!

Overall

While I didn't get a clear picture of the character, this tale did give a glimpse into the life and motivation of this person.

Response to Prompt: What is a typical day in the life of your character?

You tell the reader about a typical day in the life of this character. Sections such as the discussion of why he lost the job serving gave the reader insight into the personality of the character. I enjoyed the introspection in the end about how predictable to one person is preferable to another.


Suggestions

*Bullet* Typo: I’ve already managed to


Conclusion

I liked the dry humor in the story and the hard line moral positions presented by the character. A bit more detail on what the character does during the day other than the commute would add some interest and give the reader a bit more understanding of his personality.
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Review of A Day In The Life  Open in new Window.
Review by Diane Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!

Response to Prompt: What is a typical day in the life of your character?

You do a good job of showing the reader a day in the life of Kathleen. The focus is on family and I can feel her love for them as they come in and out of her life. There does seem to be a longing for something different occasionally, but overall she seems happy with her life.

Despite the detailed description of her day, I didn't get a deep feeling for what brought her joy or sadness. The emotions weren't present in the story. I think this is why I got the feeling that something was missing in her life.


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Review of A Day in Time  Open in new Window.
Review by Diane Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!

Response to Prompt: What is a typical day in the life of your character?

You go through a day in the life of a mailman. While the detail was there, you tell the reader everything rather than showing the day as it unfolds. This keeps the reader distant from the action.


Suggestions

*Bullet* There are a few sentences with words missing, which pulls the reader out of the story. For example:

A little secret about me that no one knows, but my mom is the love I have for sweeping.

*Bullet* There are words that need to be capitalized in dialog tags as well as some proper nouns.


Conclusion

A thorough edit would clear up many of the issues with the story. Changing the story to show the reader the scene through the characters eyes will add depth and interest.
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Review of Dear Me - 2015  Open in new Window.
Review by Diane Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am reviewing this letter as a judge for "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window..

I enjoyed the comical chiding tone of your letter. Your realistic approach to the problem of limited time and multiple commitments is evident. I'm hoping you get the hydra under control and enjoy each of your pursuits without feeling pressured to focus more or less on any one.

I love the idea of a writing bucket list and may borrow the idea to create my own. I checked yours out and found that you already completed three on the list. That's not bad for the end of February!

Thank you for entering and good luck achieving all of your goals in 2015!
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Review by Diane Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
I am reviewing this letter as a judge for "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window..

Overall Impression

I enjoyed the easy going tone of the letter. It was clear where you wanted to go in 2015 and that you are determined to make a path to those goals. You give goals in every section of your life and reasons for selecting those goals. It's obvious that these are well thought out, which should help you commit and achieve them in 2015.


Suggested Edits

*Bullet*  sooths should be soothes

Conclusion

Thank you for entering and good luck achieving all of your goals in 2015!
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Review of Dear Me 2015  Open in new Window.
Review by Diane Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I am reviewing this letter as a judge for "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window..

Reviewing where you were in 2014 in the beginning of the letter sets you up to plan where you are going in 2015. The only goals mentioned in the letter are to journal and read more, which both are laudable goals. I know I am not complete when I don't read books and hope you can find the time to sit and enjoy a novel or two yourself.

Thank you for entering and good luck achieving all of your goals in 2015!
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Review of The Visitor  Open in new Window.
Review by Diane Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Overall Impression

There are quite a few similes in the story. Some are well placed and others didn't seem to have as much purpose in advancing the tale such as "like crushing an egg carton."

I feel bad for Bob. He was just trying to brush his teeth and get started on his day when attacked by the blob. The size of the blob doesn't fit with the actions after the landing unless Bob's house was rather large. Sure furniture would be pushed out of the way, but more striking would be walls buckling and ceilings falling as a small bus pushed its way through the structure. (I retreat to logic for protection when reading horror, can you tell?)

Suggested Corrections

*Bullet*rushed in like and evil I think there is a word missing here.

Conclusion

I had to laugh at the ending. I can completely picture someone grabbing the egg timer and holding it, then wondering why in the last moments. The overall idea of the alien absorbing a man in his home after interrupting his morning routine is horrific, but the execution (no pun intended) didn't terrorize me as it could have done.

Thank you for entering "The Writer's Cramp" Open in new Window., winners will be announced shortly.
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Review by Diane Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
The "monster" in your poem was certainly not "unknown" to any writer as we have all had our writing rejected in one form or another. I can't say that I've ever envisioned a judge having a "tiny little brain [that] was made of puke" for not selecting my entry, but I'm sure I have been disappointed by a criticism received. That being said, you do have some nice imagery in the last stanza that allows the reader to picture the monster as you have described her.

It is difficult to take criticism and certainly to lose a round of a contest and vilifying a judge in effigy, by portraying her as a monster, while it certainly might make a writer feel better, hardly resolves the issue if posted as an entry to the contest. I agreed with the judges evaluation of whether your entry met the prompt yesterday. She checked to be sure that she was not missing something prior to posting the results. Judging is difficult and we walk the line between being too harsh and being fair to all entrants to a contest by ensuring that they met the goal of the posted prompt. I'm sorry you felt that your talent was being overlooked and even sorrier that you chose to respond with a personal attack.

Today your entry meets the requirements posted in the prompt. In the future, please focus on your talent and learn to take reviews and judgments less personally. And if you need to vent about a judgement, as we all do at times, perhaps you might consider that posting it as a public response isn't the best path forward.
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