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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/severinr
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8 Public Reviews Given
8 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by SeverinR Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Score 15 shows
1 No note 2.show 3.tell 4.show 5.show
6.show 7. Show 8.show 9.show 10 show
11 show, 12 show ,13 tell, 14 show, 15 show ,
16 tell ,17 tell ,18 show, 19 show 20 tell
21 tell, 22 tell 23 tell 24 tell 25 show.

The story kept my interest,

One question I had when she saw the lizard man; she took a half step and then a full step back, but did not run into anyone, but this might reinforce it being in her imagination.

I copy to MS word and no punctuation, spelling errors, one fragment sentence but might fit in the situation:
--“Hel-lo!”
Still nothing. No movement at all. Ruby may as well have been yelling at herself.--"
Still nothing is a fragment, if linked with comas, to the two following sentences they all work.

"Still nothing, no movement at all, Ruby might as well have been talking to herself."

Personally I think it would work as you wrote it, but would a publisher agree?

I am still new to show not tell, but I think I understand it, applying it in my stories...I will have to see.

Keep writing, to me this is the hardest way to write, using someone elses prompts, and you kept it interesting.
2
2
Review of Young Love  Open in new Window.
Review by SeverinR Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
The story is good, the dialog believable.

There is a few problems:

“You disgust me,” laughs Josh. “You love me,” a smirk paints Calvin’s freckle face. “Obviously,” says Josh."

Each person speaking is a new paragraph. It should be:

"You digust me," Laughs Josh.

"You love me" A smirk paints Calvin's freckle(d) face.

"Obviously" says josh.

The next set of dialog you did it right, maybe it changed when you submitted it.

I think it people have told me the statement should go before the action;
Katie smiles" How's it going?"

Reversing it doesn't change the statement:
"How's it going?" Katie smiles.

The one line that seems out of place:

“Okay, I can’t be late for class again, Mrs. Polini will totally flip. I guess we’ll talk later, you can teach me this Wednesday.”

She just arranged to have him teach her guitar, and she tells him when he will do it?
I think it should be a question, and have him agree. She doesn't seem demanding in other dialog, but in this statement she does.

Character description:
MC; Josh; has long hair(at least long enough to get in his eyes) tattered jeans he bites his nails.

Calvin: he eats fries for breakfast? He likes to annoy Josh and has freckles
Katie:rosey cheeks with dimples

This is a short story, so major descriptions of the people is limited, but maybe a little more description.
Josh has long hair, does he keep it neat? His clothes are they a fasion statement or a financial statement?
Calvin: secondary character, I think could have a little more description.
Katie: This is the main characters love interest. I think describing more about her in what he notices about her would demonstrate his love for her, and provide the reader with a description.
Flowing long blond hair, crystal blue eyes.
Maybe some reference to her size and dimensions. This doesn't have to be vulgar(although for some, especially this age people it would be)
Just things that people notice when they are interested in someone.

I like it, and it really doesn't need much change to it to be a good incident description.
(ie:Short short story.)


I submit things to be reviewed, I hope this helps.
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