I like it, but there were several things I couldn't miss. The plot was good, but there are a few things I'd like to point out:
First, it was an interesting way to do it, but it's really short and things happen to quickly for the reader to feel anything. It could be extended so that the reader gets an idea of the area, characters and the tension you intended on.
Second, grammar and vocab:
"pillar..." What pillar?
"His man were all gone..." Misspell
"He hopped over the large piece of ..." A large piece of what?
"Where to now?" should be in italics or brackets to imply that it's a thought, not an action.
"Suddenly" should probably start a new paragraph.
"Glint" is something you see, like a "glint of light." You might consider "Out of the corner of his eye."
"All point a gun at him..." You might consider "All pointing guns all him," because its three guns, not one.
"Rob crippled to the ground and cursed." "Crippling" is causing someone not to be able to move. "Crumpling" is the action of falling to the ground.
"*beep*" You sorta swore. That isn't considered "e" material.
I'm brutal in my reveiwing at times, so don't take it to heart if I'm too hard on somebody. I make a lot of mistakes in my writing, as well. Great work, though!
Write on!
~Sethorion~
Yes, very nicely done! I liked it a lot, thought, as every novel does, this could use a little polishing. There were some things that confused me a little.
When you switched to Aleyne, it started with something that you did not explain. It was two sentences: " 'Let's just say I'm calling in your debts,' the man said grimly, thrusting his silver blade into her father's body."
For this, if see is waking up from a dream or something, you might want to make it a little longer, perhaps elaborate. There was no defining place between this and the rest of the story. I went on for a couple paragraphs befre I realized that there was a difference in the story. It occurred to me that it might have been a dream, but I am still unsure.
Also, when you switched from Aleyne back to "you" I thought that it was still Aleyne for a minute. You might try adding something about the setting that will make it clear that there was a switch in characters. Justa suggestion.
Another things was the very beginning. "Forever would be my 'cause' " doesn't sound quite right. I would change it to "fault" or "because of me". This is an incorrect usage of the word "cause".
I only noticed those three things and for something this large, that's pretty good. I really liked it, it was exciting, it made me want to read more and it captured my attention. Great work!
Write on!
~Sethorion~
The first stanza sounds a little odd. The Rhythm is 11, 10, 10, 11. That's pretty good, but the wording is strange. You might contrasting the types of bruises in another way, like giving examples of ho we get them. "Bruises from a body knock" does that, but, as I said, the wording is a little strange. Just a personal preference. I am a writer that does his best to be very precise, so I might be a little hysterical in that area, so ignore this paragraph if you disagree.
"Things go wrong in life leave a bruise" might be changed to "Things in life go wrong and leave a bruise." The second stanza had really odd rhythm. You might want to change that. However, it does give a good image of what you're trying to say and the Rhyming isn't broken. Good Work!
About the third stanza, you might want to try rearranging the words and removing a syllable from each line. That would help the rhythm a little.
The fourth stanza is good. I like it.
The fifth stanza reiterates what was said in the previous stanza, but the message is unclear. I give this poem a 3.5 because it could use some work, but it is still good none the less. Beleive me, I wouldn't go through the trouble of writing a reveiw this long unless the piece had potential. Good work and good luck!
Write on!
~Sethorion~
This was very well written. I give you a vivid image of a person trapped where the is no escape. Was there anything specific that this was getting at? Was it getting at addictions of any kind? Whatever it was, most people can look at it and see themselves somewhere inside of that poem, thus making it really drive home for most of them.
However, I was not sure what the "Eye of the Window" was reffering to. Could you clarify, maybe?
Great work and Write on!
~Sethorion~
Wow! I really liked it! It was little confusing to me, but most songs are. I also liked the similes that you used. They really do add a lot when writing lyrics or any other kind of writing. But, I think that some of it could use some polishing, as can any piece of writing;
"Turn back time's trickling sand" give a good picture, but it sounds strange and a little out of place. I might suggest changing that part. The seond stanza is also a little short. If it is a Chorus then you might want to make that clear.
Great piece of literature!
Write on!
~Sethorion~
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