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In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there!

Interesting poem. My initial interpretation as I began reading was completely altered to a different interpretation by the end. lol. My favorite part IS the end, btw. I love how the whole piece is like dipping your day in sensual thoughts, and the last lines kind of pull you back to reality. I sort of picture a guy standing there with a champagne bottle half tipped, ready to fill the glasses, but staring off into space as his thoughts wander to what the night may bring.

My two suggestions:

I would replace the word "factual." I think it kind of hinders the flow, because the rest is more sensual, whereas factual is is a little more blunt. Maybe use something like intellectual? Depending on context, of course.

I would change "marks" to "mark."

Well, thanks for the read! Write on! :))


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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Very interesting story! :) That was a nice plot to play around with, as it is the first story I've read with this entire idea, and it plays out nicely for a short piece.

My Favorite: "It looks like you're tied to the earth because of your heart, but you're tired of roaming, right?"


Suggestions:

*Star*"Steve liked it because he was ready to be alive again, and in denial he died. Or simply could not figure out if this was the place for him, or should move on.

I would re-word this paragraph somehow. My first suggestion is to change "and in denial he died" to "and he was still in denial that he had died." At minimum I suggest changing it to "and in denial that he had died."

It seems to me that the last sentence goes with the last half of the first sentence, so my ultimate suggestion would be to end the first sentence at "again" and word the second one as or similar to "He was in denial that he had died, and simply could not figure out if this was the place for him, or if he should move on."

----------------------------------------------------

*Star*"Move on" might mean hell, so he chose the hell he lived in already, and just wanted burned cottage back, and all the animals."

I would try to get away from starting the sentence with the quoted phrase by changing it to "To 'move on' might mean hell" or by removing them all together as "Moving on might mean hell."

I also suggest ending the sentence at "already" and changing the last half to or similar to "He just wanted his now burned cottage back, and all of the animals."


Hope this helps! *Smile* Write on!


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Rated: E | (4.0)
I couldn't agree more! I understand the liability issue a lot of workplaces have with these types of interference's, however I think the whole thing needs to be revamped. It's just ridiculous. What should have to worry about? Losing my job that feeds my family, or saving a life? I'm not sure what planet these people live on where they expect someone to sit there and watch someone die just so they don't get fired. I really hope we can resolve this issue someday. Glad someone wanted a say! Write on!

(I would re-read your piece, though. I think there is some re-wording that would help others follow it better.)


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Review of The Performance  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Loved your poem and the personification of nature! I love mingling nature with the human art, through poetry, and even deeper within, personification. The first stanza was my favorite. "The sun brightly moves in its lonely dance
over the sea; the wind’s hand on its waist." What beautiful imagery it invokes! Write on!


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Rated: E | (3.5)
A wonderful piece for your mother. :) I was recently reading my mother poem the other day, and I wish I would have dug it out for this mother's day. "You give so much to everyone. . ." as a mother should, and what she reaps the benefits of down the road, from that garden of love she cared for. Write on!


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Review of back to basements  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a rather cryptic poem, and I feel a lot of deep meaning here.

Some improvements I would make:

I would work on ironing out the grammatical errors, specifically Stanza 1, Line 3. "What's there is beyond you". I have no suggestion as far as a reformat, as it depends on what your personal meaning is behind the sentence, but I would get rid of the contracted word. Hope that helps! :)

My favorite part is the last line. I love when poems wrap up nicely at the end, as I feel the last sentence is one of the most important parts of a poem. It leaves you with something to think about. I think yours was particularly powerful. Write on!


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Review of Garden Escape  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Interesting poem you have here. :) It definitely induces emotions of different kinds. I did not see the middle two stanzas coming after the first one, lol. It takes you to a beautiful, peaceful place, and then takes you to a place of anger and resentment. It shows how easily wonderful thoughts can be ruined by someone's negativity and insecurities. Great piece. :) Write on!


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Review of The Cage  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This holds a very nice idea to it for part of this to become part of a bigger story. :)

The only thing I would change is the third to last line. I would remove the 4th "oh" to cut back on how many are in that paragraph, because it just feels a bit overused there, and that sentence could be restructured to sound better without it and put emphasis on the previous similar statements.

Great story. :) It has the potential to turn into a bigger plot. For the short though, I love the twist at the end! The pen truly is a mighty object! Write on!


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Review of Closer To Meaning  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Four Seasons Activities  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for sharing this piece. Not to go off on a tale of myself, but I haven't been able to write much over the last 2 years. A subconscious block? I wrote something a couple months ago about the help I've received with my account from family, friends, and members here, and how much it meant as it was keeping that little flame in me alive still. I haven't even reviewed much. This is the first time I've picked a piece to read in and review in quite a while. At least almost a year? (*thinks to self* 'Wow, has it really been that long?') Well probably since before I was pregnant, and now my child is 3 months old. :p Time does move to fast, doesn't it?

Anyways. . lol. Wow, I didn't mean to blab there. I couldn't have picked a better first piece to read. I'm very inspired after reading your poem. *Smile* There is so much in me that has been dying to come out that I feel I have become listless. I don't understand how I was ever able to put the pen down. I feel blessed that you have posted this at such a time that my heart and mind probably really needed it. And for that I Thank You.

It was very well written and flowed well in a deep meaning tone within my mind.
Some of my favorite parts:

Ten thousand poems
And I still have
Everything left to say
I will never tire
Of the pen and the page

This is not about an audience
This is about something deeper
A universal understanding

Upon the page will spill
All that I have come to know
And much of what I don’t…

I'm only sad that I have become one of the "Impossible for some" over time. Thank you again. I really needed a read like this. (Adding to favorites for future inspiration when my hands are feeling crippled. *Smile*
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In affiliation with Four Seasons Activities  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello! Thank you for your entry in "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. I apologize for the long extended wait for the results. I was waiting until after the end of the month to review all entries, and in doing so forgot that my account needed upgrading in that period. After allowing myself some recovery time after the holidays I made sure this was taken care of. I thank you for your patience and assure that a winner will still be awarded, and that all entries receive some kind of recognition for their efforts.


Imagery/Scenery:
Good imagery and wintry description. It gave me a sense of nostalgia from when I was a kid.



Parts that could improve:
"the icicles with frosty glows" seems to hinder the flow a bit. However, I'm not sure there is any way to rewrite it without taking away from the sentence itself and it's meaning, which I really like.


My favorite part:
The evergreens were dressed alike
with ornaments of gold.
The berries of the frozen shrubs
were dancing in the cold.

With rosy cheeks, the children played
and tumbled in the snow.
As cameras flashed at darling dears,
the wind began to blow.

I like the personification in the first stanza and the use of "darling dears" in the second. They both give a really good sense of imagery too. *Smile* I also like how the poem ended.
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Review of Old Trees  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Four Seasons Activities  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Love the imagery here. = ) As a nature enthusiast/poet I couldn't imagine doing anything better than what is described in this poem. It's as if I already feel the leafy carpets beneath my bare feet. Not to mention I'm definitely a tree-hugger. Not a crazy one..lol! I just think they are so beautiful, especially the old ones. I also really love old homes, so I love the bit about crank windows and a cozy porch.

Suggestions:

None really here. *Smile* If there were I surely didn't notice as I was too busy being pulled into the real existence of this perfect place.
Oh, I forgot to mention about the part of the rope swing as well. It really brought back memories from when I was a kid. We had a rope swing with a flat wooden seat that used to hang from an old oak in the back yard of my grandparents. I think of it from time to time. Write on!



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#1596168 by Not Available.
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Review of CHARLIE HEART  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Loving it. Though I'm a little worried for Bruce now. . .lol. Well, there is much to find out, and I'm itching to keep reading. So. . .until next chapter. = ) Hehe. .



He leans on the counter to say something when he notices Cindy siting in the waiting room.
(Just had a small typo and missed your second T in 'sitting'.)


Then she rubs her ugly hands together like she is deciding which one of us to devour first. At that moment I can’t tell, which out of the three of them, I hate the most.[/u}
(This was just a part I liked a lot..lol. = )


I look at Bruce; he is a push over. He looks at me for help but I raise my eyebrows and look away.
(I think you should just start a new sentence where the semicolon is.)


She throws up her hands then actually pulls out a list. A typed up list, puts on her reading glasses and begins to read them off.
(You should put a period after 'list' and start a new sentence with 'She puts'.)


I begin to feel that little devil rising from inside my gut. I am starting to feel like this is my marriage, like this is my wife. She’s a jet engine pointed straight in our direction. A butcher swinging her blade at the entire chicken coop. I now know why Bruce wanted me here, Misery is best experienced with someone else.
(This was just another favorite part of mine. ^_^ )


I instantly break out in a fire work show of sweat. Before I could do anything. Bruce is on his feet, reaching for his gun, then Bruce's life changes.
(I believe you meant to put a comma between 'anything' and 'Bruce'. I also think you should change 'could' to 'can', as your characters thought at this particular moment is in the present.)




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Review of CHARLIE HEART  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Not much to say at this point, just enjoying the read. .lol = )



I say, “Anything?”
(I think you should remove 'I say' and just leave that dialog line as 'Anything?')



She gives me a look that’s a mixture of angry to the brim, and desperation.
(I think you meant anger instead of angry)


She sits on my leather couch and lights up a cigarette, I take it from her mouth and toss it out the window.[/u}
(I think this should be two separate sentences.)


No, no, I laugh.
(It seems like the first part of this is supposed to be dialog?)


She stares at me like she is in trouble. Like Im a toaster and she is determined to not flinch when the toast pops out, even though she knows she will.
(I just really liked this part of the chapter. . . =) lol. Though I did just notice your missing an apostrophe in 'Im'. )



“Plus, all their death payout goes to their greedy families that want them dead anyway, tax free; They are the sick ones, not me.
(I think this particular part would sound better if the semicolon was taken out and the part after becomes a new sentence altogether.)


“So here is the thing, I own a couple rental properties, you do this you cant stay in one for free. Do we have a deal?”
(You accidentally put 'can't' instead of 'can'.)




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Review of CHARLIE HEART  Open in new Window.
for entry "CHAPTER THREE: BRUCE" Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey there. = ) You know, I really like the way you write. I think it's because it's not simple, yet it's not crammed with detail (which is a problem I tend to have. . lol. Sometimes it's a good thing, but sometimes it's too much. ) I also love being in the mind of your main character and knowing his thoughts on everything. His sick little humors, annoyances, loving thoughts, and yet his disdain for parts of his life.
Below, most of the suggestions are these --> ( ; ), semicolons. You can see in my reviews how they are starting to accumulate A lot. If there are places where you absolutely feel it's necessary then keep them, otherwise I would remove all. I see in your preference you like to use these so if you must than I would at least limit it to about one every 3 three chapters, as most novels have them even less, while some writers do not use them at all. For most of them another form of punctuation could be used in it's place. However, this could just be preference, and some may find semicolons more appealing. Though I would at least try and use them not so much one after another. Again, these are suggestions. use them or leave them as you see fit. : )



I look at Bruce, I can’t tell if he is laughing at me, or at Cassie, but I don’t care.
(I would replace the comma after 'bruce' with a period, and start a new sentence after.)


Bruce sets up his club and swings; the tiny white ball soars.
(Although it works well here, I would remove the semicolon. Add 'and' or start a new sentence altogether after 'swings'.)


Let me tell you the short sad story about Bruce: He was raped by two wrestlers our freshman year of college.
(I would remove the colon, and start a new sentence at that point.)


I hate that song now. No, actually, I just hate Queen all around now.
(I would remove the second 'now', as they are too close together, and it has more meaning in the first part of the sentence.)


I ask, “so how’s work?”
(I believe 'so' should be capitalized here.)


[b}“Well, ya know, it’s the same; got the badge, got the gun, go out on the town, put some punks in jail, then hang with you.”[/u}
(I would replace the semicolon with a period and start a new sentence with 'I've')


“People don’t mess around; it’s a power symbol, Charlie.”
(I would put a period in place of the semicolon, starting a new sentence.)



It wasn’t technically legally approved in the building codes for anyone to be up here. But It’s the best place for golfing and a lot of other things.
(I am not one of those people who have a problem starting sentences with But. I like doing it myself as I think it sounds better in many circumstances. However, I believe for this particular sentence it might sound better to put a comma after 'here' and combine the two sentences into one.)



Bruce makes a growling motion towards him; the kid flinches.
(I would remove the semicolon and use 'and'. Of course it works well with it too. Do what you think is best on further examination.)



“I’m not like you, Charlie; I can’t squeeze millions out of dying old saps and their families, I have to work.”
(I would remove the semicolon and start a new sentence.)



“That's what you do, Charlie; you squeeze that green, I swear I should throw you in jail for it.”
(I would remove the semicolon and make it into three different sentences. One ending after 'charlie', the other ending after 'green', and the third starting after. Or, you your prefer to keep the semicolon, I would start a new sentence after 'green'.)



“You know, you're a great friend, Charlie, but you’re are horrible person, and a little gay sometimes.”
(I would remove the comma between 'friend' and 'charlie', to get rid of so many comma's within the sentence.)



“You should come with me to the nursing home tomorrow; I’ll show you how to get someone interested in signing a policy over.”
(I would replace the semicolon with 'and', or make it into two completely separate sentences at that point.)


“You never know, Bruce, you put a few more zeros on the end of that bank account, maybe Cindy will take you back.”
(It might sound good to replace the comma after 'Bruce' with a period and start a whole new sentence, beginning with 'If'.)


He says, “you mean the ‘Be a Man program for Men?’” {/u]
(I believe 'you' should be capitalized here.)


“Remember? It was the first time Cindy kicked you out of the house, you come barging into my apartment, drunk as an irish school girl, flailing your gun and badge and telling me that you’ll shoot both of my thighs unless I go with you.”
(I would replace the comma after 'house' with a period, to start a whole new sentence after.)


“The fact is I went with you to your little thing, If anything in is this world was gay that crying fest was.
(I would start a whole new sentence after 'thing', rather than keeping it all one sentence.)


Well, hope I wasn't being too long or bothersome with my review. I was just giving suggestions from my individual view, how I see things as I read. I really enjoy your writing. = ) Write on!!



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Review of CHARLIE HEART  Open in new Window.
for entry "CHAPTER TWO: CASSIE" Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)

Hello again. = ) I have to say you story so far is unique in some way I can't seem to put my finger on. Maybe because there are so many different emotions coming through at different times, although I hardly think I can just narrow it to just that one aspect. I think you really let people into the mind of your main character, where we start to feel we are living the story, and his life. Though after the two chapters it is lacking a physical picture of him. Which can be interpreted by the reader, so isn't such a bad thing. Plus it also seems like your working up to it maybe, really letting the reader into his head, then slowly building up his physical identity, such as he may be scarred or tough due to his fighting's, and he was wearing the armani suit jacket, but that's as much detail as the reader has gotten so far. Since the reader is allowed to interpret for the first two chapters, the lack of physical character can turn out to be either a bad or a good thing, as people won't want to change their thought of the character they have built and become comfortable with if a description of the character pops up later in the story. Just something to keep in mind. However, I love the story so far, and the amount of freedom into the characters mind has more than made up for a lack of physical appearance. : )



I’m not sure if it’s my blood or the gentlemen from the parking garage, I don’t really care.
(gentlemen should have an 's' afterward as your talking about his blood. OR, you could put 'from' between 'or' and 'the', then change 'from' after 'gentlemen' to 'in', to read as "I'm not sure if it's my blood or from the gentlemen in the parking garage".)


I creep down the hall to get a closer look; of course, it’s coming from my bedroom.
(At ( ; ) I would put a period and start a new sentence. However, I've always been uncomfortable with this punctuation and it may work best here. Although if your reading a novel these only pop up very few times through-out, if at all. You've used these many times in just the first two chapters.)


They both look at me blankly, I couldn't help but smile; how heart breaking for me.
(Same here, I would remove ( ; ) and start a new sentence.)


For a second my mind goes back to where we first met; at a bar, which was probably my first mistake. She laughed at my jokes then she started a bar fight with a guy that wore shades and a handle bar mustache like he owned the copyright.
( Again I would take out the ( ; ), however it could work nicely here I think, so you may want to keep it. Whatever you think would be best on further examination. Though I would make some kind of adjustment to the next sentence. I can't really place my finger on it. . lol. Maybe remove 'she', or add an 'and', or, the one I think would work best would be to change 'started' to 'picked' : )


She is kind of girl that you blast into a relationship with because it feels hot.
(You forgot 'the' between 'is' and 'kind' : )


The sun is setting, the city lights are turning on, The weather is warm, with just a little cold chill to make you feel alive.
(I would make the third 'the' lowercase' and place an 'and' before it. Or, remove the comma between 'setting' and 'the and replace it with 'and. Then put a period after 'on' the make two completely separate sentences, which would sound really good too.)


I step back into my apartment and look around, I feel cold.{/u]
(I would make 'I feel cold' it's own sentence.)


When I’m done with the red eyes and pouring my deep dark hidden feelings into the T.V. I get a call from Bruce, Bruce says he feels like golfing. That means that Bruce needs to cry too, either that, or he wants something, or he just killed someone again.
(I would make 'Bruce says he feels like golfing' a new sentence, and remove Bruce to say 'He says he feels like golfing'.)


Well, Write on!! Can't wait to read the next Chapter. = ) I'm interested to know where this is going..lol




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Review of CHARLIE HEART  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello. = ) Enjoying your book so far. The first chapter really leaves me wondering and wanting to read the next. Usually I'd expect to find a lot more grammar, spelling, or typo errors in a Chapter, but it was nicely written. = ) The rest is just really suggestions to help enhance the reading a bit. The only side comment I have pertaining to writing as a whole is that there wasn't much of a physical description of any of the characters in the chapter, but you do give other descriptions that build them well. It's not really necessary to have one for each, or to have too much of a description of any one that does, as I already like the chapter and feel I have good familiar sense of each character already. However this might be something someone else points out as well, so it's just something to keep in mind. I think the best person to do this with is the little boy right in the beginning. Maybe mention a ratty or messy hair (slipping a color in), when your mentioning his ugly face poking through. You may choose not to do anything, which wouldn't make much of a difference of your story to me. = ) I didn't even think about it or wonder until after I was done reading and I wouldn't want you to make any changes that would ruin the way it's put together so far. If you know a good way to make a small change concerning this then go ahead, but your the writer so go with how you feel. = )


If they had it their way, I'd be full of bullets and my body tossed behind the shed for one of their pit bulls to tear through.
(I think the comma would better suit being after 'bullets' instead of 'way'. It really wouldn't make too much of a difference and it may be just preference, but it's something to think about I guess..lol)


They don’t have the money to pay the doctors, and even if they did, deep down, they wouldn’t.
(Mostly the rest of my suggestions are just to get rid of some of the commas through-out the chapter, as there is a lot. I tend to have this problem when I'm writing and it's something I've tried to work on. Not that most of them don't work where they are, but it may hinder the read if there are too many. A lot of times commas signify a stop in the thought, so it's more of the readers preference on how their character is thinking. Which I can see exactly how that would taking place here. However I would take the comma out from between 'down' and 'they'. I'm just picking the easiest commas to get rid of without taking away from the writing so that you can downsize on them.)


Because if Grandma dies soon, money gets handed out, lots of money. If Grandma doesn’t, well she isn’t worth much to anyone then, now is she.
(I would take the comma out from between 'soon' and 'money'.)


Cancer is like karma: sometimes it takes, sometimes it gives.
{I would take the ( : ) out and either put a period or comma. Even though if you put a period the second sentence wouldn't be grammatically correct, I think that is ok to overlook in a novel sometimes. Though that is just my opinion.)



So, he sneaks back to me, three, four, five times; Mom and Dad seem busy anyways, until they realize he’s gone; then it’s all hands and loud words again.
(Still under the note of downsizing the first comma can be removed. I would also remove the ( ; ) and start a new sentence at 'Mom'. I would also remove the second ; and replace it with a comma or period.)


You know how it goes, curiosity turns into defiance, and defiance leads to attention, and somewhere inside the messed up wiring of your brain, you think that any form of attention, subconsciously equals love. You know, you’ve done it, you’ve been there, you’ve felt it.
(Again, I also have a comma problem when writing, because in most cases it's the thought process of your character in the story. However these are the best places to get rid of them, even if they work, to help get rid of so many commas in the chapter. I would remove the comma between 'brain' and 'you', I would also remove the comma between 'attention' and 'subconsciously'. Then to get rid of one more I would start the last sentence off with "You because you've done it".)


Let me tell you about love: later in life, love hits a fork-in-the-road, and you either choose the ‘crazy’ road, or ‘the pretend you’re not’ route.
(I think you can remove ( : ) and put a period there.)


They said you are an snake, Charlie. Are you a evil snake, Charlie?
(I think you meant to put 'a' instead of 'an' before snake.)


“I love your attitude, Granny Jones, it’s inspiring.”
(I would remove the comma between 'attitude' and 'granny'.)


It says that in the event that you die before, in your case, age sixty five, your life insurance face amount will be paid to me in full, instead of your beneficiaries, in exchange to pay your medical bills.”
(I think you could remove 'in your case' because the paragraph itself implies that she is under sixty-five. It also comes up a couple paragraphs further as her birthday is mentioned.)


She would let me read books to her offer to share her morphine with me.
(I would put a comma after the first 'her' followed by an 'and', as I'm sure this was more of typo anyways and you had meant to one or the other. : )


Call it what you want -- a service, a robbery -- I don’t care, I’ve heard it all.
I was going to mention something about the dashes, but I'm scratching it. I've decided I'm found of them, although this may not be the case with other reviewers of course..heh ^_^)


There are red-spray painted words, that say hilariously potent things, doused on the side of it.
(I would take the dash out from between 'red' and 'spray' and put it between 'spray' and 'painted'. I would also re-arrange this sentence to read as "There are red spray-painted words doused on the side of it, that say hilariously potent things.")

Well I hope my review wasn't too much. : ) These are suggestions you may use or discard. Write on!!



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In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really enjoyed this. : ) It's as if your following a specific form and count, but most certainly are not that I can see. It had good flow, and I loved the idea behind. It stirred within me emotion as you found the butterfly, and yet again when you observed the spider after.

Grief grabbed my heart
when I saw they had snagged,
a butterfly bright,
and proud, like a flag.

There was nothing wrong at all with this poem. The butterfly is bright and proud like a flag. : ) I had stopped at first to ponder this, as I had read it wrong..lol, in reference to the spider rather than the butterfly. But afterward made me think that it would have sounded neat as "hung proud, like a flag" too. hehe. That's not a suggestion, just a statement of a thought that ran through my head that I had to share. You can use it if you want though, but it's fine as is. : ) Great poem! I also wanted to ask, as I seen in another review I gave you, about "Bottle in the River". Is this your book? Also, if you don't mind me asking, how is your poetry written within the parameters of the theory of "Multivalence". I just thought it was interesting and wanted to know more. : ) Write on! I enjoy reading your works.
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Review of Yea Plunge  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I loved the way this poem starts off.


bobbing roughly on the surface
with a purposeless purpose.

One stanza before this also uses the word purpose, then twice in this sentence. It was just too close to the first time it appeared. It could probably be over looked, but the sentence is also a bit short or not in rhythm to the one above it I think, and kind of brings to surface the multiple use of the word as you try and figure out why it wasn't in rhythm. Loved the sentence above it, so maybe a revision of the "with a purposeless purpose" sentence. Maybe re-arrange it or add in another word to bring back flow, and I don't think repetitive wording really matters once its back in rhythm.


Where it’s going, I don’t know.
It’s just following the flow.

Again, the flow is hindered a bit in the length of the second sentence. Perhaps adding in another word, like "It's just going with the flow". I know the first sentence uses the word "going" as well, but it's not so much repeated as it would be restated, or being restated in the answer to the question. It's usually a big tick of mine to repeat words so closely, but I think it could possibly work here, I think..lol, but maybe not. Though the lengthening of the sentence really brings back the little bit of flow that was lost. So you could maybe do that or add another word of your own? But then again the more I read over something the less I notice these things. I just try and make note from my very first read.


But anyways, rest of the poem went really well. : ) I especially loved the ending. And, I'll admit, I couldn't refrain from laughter. But it put a smile on my face. : ) hehe. Every other part flowed really well and I really enjoyed reading your poem. The things I said were just suggestions, and perhaps don't even make the difference I think they would at first read. It doesn't change the fact that your piece was an enjoyable read, and took me to another place, beside a river. Write on!! ^_^
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Review of Lesson of Nature  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
I really, really enjoyed your poem. Your idea behind it is unique and one I have yet to read until now. Most of it flowed very smoothly but some parts I think could use some adjustment.

and when I am born I will feed you with life,
my colours will make you smile, make you feel your alive,

Throughout most of the poem you stuck to a rhyme scheme, except for this line and one other. Because of the rhythm and beat the rest of the poem gives you through the rhyme scheme I would recommend sticking with it. I would also perhaps shorten the last part. . maybe something like "help banish your strife", instead of "make you feel your alive" (even though I like the thought of the plant making me feel more alive..hehe). Not much shorter, but it does have one less word and one less syllable, and the previous length swayed the poem while I was reading as the rhythm changed.


but plant me again, recreate me, give me life
feed me water, a blessing when in sight

This again left your rhyme scheme. Although I think this should be re-written completely. The first sentence hinders the flow a bit because you already have another sentence ending in "life". In the second sentence "a blessing when in sight", the way it is written seems a bit bland or forced. Maybe something like "a blessing in sight" or "a blessing at sight" would have worked better, but then it would have been too short probably. I think re-wording these two sentences altogether while still keeping the same idea within them would help the piece.

my life maybe short but i will not lose my power
I am strong, i will come back, I am flower.

The last part I think should be added to. The last statement seems too short. Perhaps "I am a flower" or "I am your flower". It seems like maybe you had meant to write it that way and left out a word.

These are just suggestions, as I really enjoyed reading this piece and can only imagine how much more I would love it if the entire poem flowed together better. I got really excited as I first started reading. It's something I would love to hang on my fridge and read every morning. : ) But those couple parts really throw off the rhythm you had set around them. This has been added to my favorites. : ) As I'm sure while working in my garden or watering my plants I will be reciting it in the back of my head..lol. And Here are some of my favorite parts:

nurture me, care for me and make me your own,
I will show you how beautiful life can be grown,

my purpose well served I will sleep through the cold,
i will lose all my colour, i will look sad and old.

Write on! Let nature be heard!
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I really liked this a lot for some reason. Just had to keep reading...lol. Even might have wanted it to keep going. Awesome work. Write On!


Suggestions:

The whirring growl of a fusor cell coming spinning up filled the troop bay.

(This doesn't necessarily need to be changed, but something about coming and spinning next to each other kind of hinders the flow of the read in this sentence. Perhaps "coming up spinning" or some other restructuring of it might produce a better flow.)



"What's the goddamn holdup here?!" He demanded, leaning in towards Baumgartner's exposed face as I backed away as softly as I could while carrying two tons of death. I'm gonna assume you just didn't hear me the first time, Baumgartner!" continued Sarge,

(You forgot the quotations in front of 'I'm')



There was an loud clang as Sarge's cannon chambered a round. “This is your last fucking chance, you cowardly piece of shit! POWER UP NOW!"

("an" should be "a")
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Review of Autumn's Command  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Four Seasons Activities  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Love the olden days!..hehe. Can't wait for the renaissance festival! Loved your poem, not just for it's older tongue, but also bcuz it relates metaphorically to fall....which I love!! Beautiful. =] You used alot of good older words and phrasing to pull it together nicely, and it being of love, really made it relatable. I quite enjoyed this piece. : ) I've been wanting to get into writing pieces like this, since I have a love for the renaissance period. I currently write mostly nature poetry, though I did start a piece last week that was kind of worded like such, since Ive been writing some love pieces lately. It seems the two go hand in hand. *Smile* The only suggestion I have for you would be in the third quatrain. In the fourth line, it might sound better if "thou" was changed to "thy" or "thine". They are possesive, and represent "your", while "thou" is used to address someone, more as "you". The difference between "thy" and "thine" is much like "a" and "an". "Thine" is used usually before something that starts with a vowel or sounds like it starts with a vowel. However I think the use of either one would work before the word "love"...hehe. Loved your sonnet! Write on!
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Review of Deer hunter  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Four Seasons Activities  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)

Good short piece. I love how it ended. Well, at least I assumed at first it was a video game by the end, but I guess it could mean something else, like camera or something, since you mentioned photo afterwards.. It would have been pretty funny though if it ended as a video game. Either way it's a good piece. Good detail and description.
Write on!




 My Poetry Open in new Window. (E)
Nature is my Muse.
#1576161 by Self-Asylum (Nichole Sauve) Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Very good piece. It's ok if you wrote it at a bad time, no need to judge. =) That is usually when we write our best pieces, because the emotion is over-whelming. We can literally free write, no block to hold you back. Where as when we are writing more for perfection and order, or even fun, we might tend to deny an idea, which then creates a wall to the rest behind it. My favorite part: "I am happy here, where no one can
see me, where love and it's hurtful means cannot tread. My heart is dead."

Suggestions: The first sentence might sound better if there was a comma after darkness. I also think you might have meant "if" to be "it". There could also be a period after "Here I am home." But it works with the comma too, doesn't really take anything from the piece. The comma in the first sentence though would probably add alot of emotional impact. Anyways, Great Poem! *Smile*



Feel the strength of the river, Stand beside the vast ocean, Walk through the tallest forest, Dance in the thunderstorms that drive them all.

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Review of Wintertime  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Like the color and style. It has no particular rhythm, but you included some good season fun. Reading this makes me want to bake some cookies, curl up a blancket w/ my book, drink some hot chocolate, and have a good view out a window into a winter scene. Nice acrostic.
Write On!
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In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very nice unrhyming piece. It's from the heart and emotional side, which is how these types, well almost all poetry, but especially free ones should be written. You really had me feeling like I was sitting next to a fireplace pondering about winter, but am outside at the same time connecting with the "little" things it has to offer, in this case snowflakes. =) I also like how you wrote the third section, each section going farther to the right, however I think the section afterwards should go back to being left aligned, with an exception of the last sentence, which looks good where it is, matching up to the last sentence from the third section. I also personally like alot of detail and emotion explained in open poems, but that is just how I write mine. This one was missing fine detail but still pulled it together nicely in a simplistic form. But that is kind of the the feel behind your poem, enjoying the simplicity of something so amazing and complicated. I like it because yours kind of leaves alot of room to do your own thinking, remembering the times we ourselves have pondered at the amazement of nature, rekindling thoughts or feeelings we had at that time.

Suggestions: first sentence, first section/stanza....I think you may have meant "frost the ground" instead of "forst the groung"...lol
Also, the third sentence of the second section was another typo of "when". Last but not least, in the last section, first sentence, "I" needs to be capitalized, and there are 2 spaces between "to" and "days". I didn't really pay too much matter to grammar and punctuation, cuz I was enjoying your poem, plus I don't neccesarily always believe in them for certain pieces anyways. There is some punctuation that could be put in here for sure, but too much could ruin it, but thats just my writers opinion. Not so much of it just helps add to the feel and simplicity of certain poems. Anways thank for a nice read, I love outdoors/nature poetry. Also, sorry for such a long review, just got my account back up and running. Sure missed WDC. And Welcome to an awesome site! I've been hooked since May, my first time visiting





Feel the strength of the river, Stand beside the vast ocean, Walk through the tallest forest, Dance in the thunderstorms that drive them all.

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