Hi, I'm not going to rate this as is because I think something has gone wrong when you copied it in - paragraps in the middles of sentences etc. When fixed let me know and will review again
Thanks for the read. It's a nice approachable story with good descriptions, a clear beginning, middle and end.
I have one big problem with it though - the large number of times you say Zaireth and Werewolf.
That may sound odd but basically your writing from a third person perspective fixed on Zaireth, so once mentioned a couple of times it can be replaced with 'He' or simply skipped. E.g. 'Zaireth climbed' becomes 'He climbed', or 'Clambering up the slick slope, he...'
Hope that helps? Anyway I'm no pro but thanks for the story.
Snark
I'll start with the good: Strong overall concept, well written (though I'm no grammar god). You fleshed out tge characters very well and their relationship with each other.
The not so much: The two massive paragraphs in the middle made my eyes go funny... maybe split it up some? And the ending wasn't really an ending, there was no air of finality to it. It seemed more an intro or a recap if that makes sense?
Just my tuppence! If this was of any use please feel free to review (honestly) my new story below!
I liked it, but I didn't when I started reading it. Basically I think my problem was the conversation between the two of them and the scene setting didn't seem to flow, it seemed a bit awkward.
But once you got into the old soldiers speech it realky picked uo, and I very much liked that.
Maybe start with a more description, and cut the part of the younger one right down?
The opening descriptions were great, the first two paragraphs especially really setting the apocalyptic scene and mood well. The third paragraph again good but it's worth noting I had to do a double take to realise that the Warriors were a faction, not just fighters. You perhaps need to be more explicit on the sides in the conflict before the demon intervenes because it was briefly confusing?
Possibly it's that the flow was broken but I noticed other things like 'tri-staff' (what's one of those?). Maybe could have used a physical description of his power when he wields it as a direct weapon?
It's possibly a taste thing, or the nature of the demon but the combat lacks emotion - I.e. in place of "Quickly I regained my feet and turned to face the man who had opened a slash..." you could have "I turned in fury to meet the downwards thrust, my contempt surging as I tore his throat from him. I savoured his blood in that moment..." Does that make sense?
I like the ending, it fits the tone well. But again, if you'd built the character more through stating his emotional responses and views earlier it would have been stronger.
So in summary:
I like it
Great descriptions
Watch the flow of the piece
Build the character more through describing how he feels. If it helps really imagine the demon telling this story - how would he tell you it?
A very good story, characters well written, setting great and not overdone. Grammar great. In fact its inspired me to do my own story lol
I only didn't give it a 5 because it ends abruptly, and there's no clear continuance. Every chapter should be self contained with a strong dramatic ending.
I like the idea, I don't get the feeling I've read this before. I like the ending especially, nice take on it!
That said if I read the word Spencer one more time my brain will explode :) His name is over used, once 3rd person Point of View is established on him, feel free to use 'he', and adverb like 'walking on' etc more often.
Also I got no real feeling for Spencers personality - you didn't go into his emotions at any point in the story (just re-read), to create a character you need to show how they feel about things.
I think you have the foundation of a good story here but there it needs meat on the bones (pardon the pun). Make Spencer a person, give him fear, love. Describe his impressions as well as the factual account. Take it from a blow-by-blow to a full story.
Thanks for the read and hope this helps,
Seekthesnark
Really sorry but could you put more paragraphs in before I properly review? Sorry to sound off but really finding it difficult to read or fairly review.
Aw, I was enjoying this then it ended a bit unsatisfactorily for me.
It's hard to explain but your last sentence doesn't seem to match the rest of the poem. Maybe something like 'I will fly free.' Or 'freedom shall be my wings'? Also maybe cut usage of '-'
That said I like the imagery and its a fun piece to read so keep at it!
I'll start by saying I'm no expert and this is only my opinion! It was well and interestingly written, but I was a bit lost on the point it was driving towards, the story it was trying to tell?
What killed truth and why? What was the truth that was killed?
On the whole I liked it and the metaphors used, so keep at it though!
I like its thoughtfullness, but I'm not sure about its clarity of message. It starts by saying don't judge lest Ye be judged, but ends with a moral on truth and lies. As such I'm not quite sure what it's telling me to do (or not do).
Maybe it could use a common word in each paragraph like "Truth" is used in the last two?
I do like it's use of word play though, and the imagery is great.
This is all just my opinion but hope it's helpful?
Thanks,
Snark
The only reason it's not getting a 5* review is that I didn't get a strong sense of the narrator-boy from the story. He expresses views that push the story on - girl is odd, history based views on cyborgs, fear of the unknown etc. All these views could have been from anyone in the colony.
Also I had to re-read the ending of the story to see his relevance to the plot. He seemed more an observer than part of the story.
That said the other characters were all very well formed, in an imaginative and well described setting. I cannot compliment the writing style enough, a very good example of first person storytelling.
All this is only my opinion, but thanks for the story!
Thanks,
Snark
Well done, the story plays with us stimulating sympathy and empathy then turning it into a revenge ending. Well written and suitably chilling. The only reason I gave it a four because from the very mention of 'bully' it seemed going an obvious direction.
I like the 'everyone dies happily ever after' ending. the only reason I didn't give it a 5 is that I felt it ended a little abruptly. What happened when his corpse was discovered?
Could have used a paragraph from the guard commander at the end, saying how glad he was to be rid of him and worshiping the queens wisdom in allowing him to choose the successor...
I really enjoyed that, well thought out premise, well described end result. Entertaining! Not sure if it's technologically ever going to be viable but what's sci-fi if you can't play about a bit. A bit too much terminology for my taste but overall very good.
I like it, its simple but too the point, with a nice central dilemma. That said it has a lot of paragraphs and short sentences and as such never really gets into a flow. Maybe if you put in a few more descriptions and merge a few of the paragraphs (maybe half as many) it would go from good to great?
Just my thoughts, feel free to ignore!
Thanks for the story and if you get a chance any reviews you can offer back greatly appreciated.
It's a good concept, historical romance with an interesting setting. Not so sure about enjoying a sexual assault as a foundation for a relationship, but overall sound concept and beginning middle and end.
However there was too much description however detracting from the action. It took a lot of text to get to the first meaningful meeting and no dialogue to push it on. That said those descriptions are good.
I hope this is of some use, and thanks again,
Snark
Good stuff, its got a lot in common with other fiction I've read re: parasitic organisms in the past, but the circular element at the end was nicely original.
My only real criticism is that I didn't emotionally connect to it. The Aki were by nature uniform, there was no narrator and thus no personalities in it. It also presented no moral questions or relation to the modern development of technology.
That said it was interesting and well written so congratulations.
Thanks for the read,
Seekthesnark
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/seekthesnark
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 4:16am on Nov 08, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
