Most of us adults have gone through the throes of breakup, which makes the subject such a popular topic. Overall, I thought the imagery and word choice were excellent. I could relate to the heartache on many levels. Unfortunately, there are a number of spelling and tense issues that distracted me from the poem. I'm listing them so you can edit and turn this piece into the jewel it can be.
1) Second stanze line 1, Words should be lower case "w"
2) Same line endearment should be plural "endearments"
3) Fourth stanza second line natures should have an apostrophe at the end natures'
4) Fifth stanza first line "cole" should be spelled "coal"
5) Same line, perhaps "makes" would flow better if it were changed to "turns"
6) Sixth stanza does not flow smoothly. Perhaps, "We once had the kind of love others yearned to emulate in their own lives."
Please know that I enjoy your work and that is why I am offering these simple suggestions. I would love to read an edited version, if you decide to rework the piece. I look forward to reading more of your poetry. Keep writing. Sincerely...your fan....Edward
I only want to read this once but I knew I had to read it. I applaude your honesty and internal pain in the writing of this piece. My only observation is. ..." dressed in simmering unicorn-flesh, " it would seem that simmering should be shimmering. Thank you for your courage in writing what should be read by many. Sincerely...Edward
The sentiment of this piece rings true and pure. In line 10, I believe your should be you're. A small item but it acts like a speed bump when reading the piece. A good read and I applaud your vulnerability. Sincerely...Edward
I can almost smell that precious baby smell. Your love certainly is pervasive throughout this piece. There were some changes in "tense" from present to past and back that derailed me and detracted from the smoothness of the lines for me. I also have difficulty in pieces without punctuation, but I realize that is my personal preference. The descriptive phrases and word choices worked for me most of the time. God Bless her pure heart. Sincerely...Edward
I can appreciate the sentiment of this piece and the inequity of the feelings. This appears to be a good first draft. The line breaks, spelling errors and grammatical errors forced me to get lost in the editor mode and detracted from my enjoyment of the piece. I would encourage you to edit this poem and resubmit. It would be my pleasure to re-review your efforts should you wish the input. Please keep posting. Sincerely...Edward
For your second poem I would say you definately have talent and should continue to pursue your writing. If you are like most of us you couldn't not write anyway. Their are quite a few mispellings and areas in which your word choices could use some rethinking. Overall a poem with great potential. Keep reading the poetry of others, it will help you with the areas I mentioned. Keep writing...Edward
This is a morass without road signs, directions or hope of being found. I've wandered in your space and now have done so with a companion as I read on and on and on. You have captured the darkness without touch, smell, speech or promise. Well written, painful but honest. Great read....Sincerely...Edward
The emotional impact of this poem jarred me deeply. The only difficulty I had was the use or non-use of upper case letters at the beginning of some sentences. That caused me to break the mood and think of form, which I did not want to do. A fine piece of work, truly. Thank you for sharing with us....Edward
It is too bad we do not have a 10 Rating! Of course, I had the exact same scenario and that is why it rang so true to me. The descriptives were spot on and the nod to Sherlock Holmes ( the 7% solution) was brilliant. Or was that the 10% solution? Anyway, it all worked for me. Mine was over 40 years ago and it will still bring me to my knees if I dwell on it. Bravo!! ...Edward
I know a man like this. He strolls through the park across the street from me daily. His gait is halting and painful to watch, the product of a stroke in his younger years. Yet, he lights up when I say, "Hi David." We talk briefly on each revolution he makes through the park. I would miss him if he was no longer able to pass through. Your words seem a homage to his valiant efforts to spread joy in my favorite park. Bravo! Sincerely...Edward
What an honest and unflinching look at youirself. Bravo! "If they want to break free of internal boundaries." What an insightful and powerful thought. It has taken me years and years to do that, so it resonated when I read your line. There is no doubt many will read and gain freedom from knowing there are so many of us like you.This is a major work and I hope it is duplicated and read by millions. You have the gift!! Let it shine.
Your story touched me on many levels.. As a Vietnam Vet I could relate to your experiences and feelings about coming home. Thank you for a wonderful story and please keep writing. God Bless you and thank you for your service to your country.
Great dialogue. If you are not an alcoholic then you must have lived with one because your desriptions of both the physical, emotional and spiritual battles raging within this woman are impeccable. I have experienced this scene from both sides and thought you must have been reading my mail, when I read and reread this piece. You are truly gifted and I applaud your craft and say, "bravo" to your courage for portraying life as it is for some of us. Thank you for making your words available to us. I enjoyed it although I must admit to having difficulties reading with hot tears burning my eyes.
I'm looking down at my fingers for telltale flecks of mustard
or possibly pizza grease. Nope, your review should be free
of food matter.
This poem works for me. Your descriptions put me there to the point of feeling the sultry air, although not mentioned by name in the piece. The PJ's comment slices both ways for me. I remember feeling all fresh and clean in my great smelling PJ's after a summer bath. While simultaneously remembering two toe-headed boys on my lap and loving the smell of their golden curls. (They are in their 30's now.)
Like a long tall glass of lemonade with sweat dripping down the glass. Cheers to your fine job!
Seems like a familiar refrain, trying to live up to another's expectations. The premise has a common theme that resonates with the majority of artists I have met. If this is the first time you have visited this malady of the spirit then I would be inclined to up the rating to a 4 for your courage. I would recommend writing more on this subject I believe you have more and probably deeper revelations in your future. I am looking forward to reading more of your work. Good work...keep writing...please.
Wow! This one completely caught me off guard. Talk about a switch on the switch. Brilliant is the only word that comes to mind. I have spent many years in the food and beverage industry and was intimately aware of the preparation rituals of a commercial kitchen. So much so, that I admit to skimming along Fang Hui's story with workman-like abandon. Then BAM! I look forward to reading more of your works. Thank you for this fine piece.
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