This was REALLY good! I thoroughly enjoyed reading your short story.
As a writer, I noticed that you used descriptions and terminology('crop dusting bi-plane') that Rene would specifically know, and substituted them with descriptors ("like the kind you might see on a ship") when she would not know them. Though short, this was also a very emotional piece. As a parent of a child Sara's age, I found the actions and reactions of both characters very believable.
This is very interesting! I like your use of description, especially the tie-ins between words of pain and synonyms for the color red. It's very visual, but also vague enough to spark interest as well as imagination (which I'm assuming was the point).
All-in-all, I enjoyed this piece. It might have been nice to get a little more insight into what was going on, but I think between the title, description, and the text itself, there might be enough said.
This was very interesting! I found it to be both descriptive and suspenseful - over all, I really enjoyed it.
A few suggestions:
I noticed at some points you were really good about commas to string the reader along and help build the suspense; allow me to suggest a few more places where you might find them pertinent: (1) after 'work' and before 'and' in line two. (2) after 'by' and before 'he' in line eight. (3) consider removing the comma after 'pain' in line eleven. (4) and finally, maybe a semicolon after 'doing' and before the line break in line four and again after 'her' and before the line break in six.
Again, I really did enjoy this piece and would be interested in reading any follow ups have or will have to this short tale, especially regarding where Lucile's brother was sent and exactly why/how.
Write on!
Sean J
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