I'm glad you reviewed MY piece so I could get a chance to wander over and look at a few of yours. Emotion seems to drip from every word of this entire story, backed up by some excellent descriptive work and a few lines that I have to say were wonderful. In particular I really liked:
"They also tell me what secret events have transpired during the brief history of the night that has just silently crawled under her white bed sheet of dawn to slumber, as day rises to the helm to steer the ship of time safely through the next watch. "
The word-usage in this line is phenomenal. Period.
I'll outright say I enjoyed Broom Service a little bit more, as I was hoping for the same kind of twist at the end of this one. Obviously they're incomparable REALLY, as they're entirely different styles, but for what this one is it's great.
I'd say keep it up, but I think that goes without saying.
I started reading this without really knowing what to expect. That was fantastic though. Short, to the point, and just subtle enough that it doesn't seem gimmicky. I had to re-read the last few lines 2 or 3 times before realizing what had happened.
A great use of first-person and appropriate diction for, what I assume to be, an adult with a mental handicap. I feel for him, and given this story is only a page or two long, that's impressive.
I feel like I could learn something from this piece.
As a 4th year Psych student I can appreciate the intent of this story, or at least what I think the intent of the story is. It's a very cool concept and there's some interesting stuff in there.
Unfortunately, I had a hard time reading it. Parts of it read exactly like a text book and (for me at least) it killed the impact of the ideas contained in the story itself. I'm reminded a little of Philosophical dialogues used by classical (and some modern) philosophers in order to get a point across via. two characters interacting. I'm just not sure if that style translates well to explanations of neurological phenomenon.
Personally I think it'd flow a lot better if the dialogue wasn't so focused purely on the ideas you're trying to convey. Maybe tone down the vocabulary and give the characters more of a personality so they can be related to. From what I'm gathering you're attempting to explain innate affects (at least in parts of the story) by relating it to less complicated aspects of our personality... Sasi's smile for example. To relate to the concepts though it'd help if the characters themselves can be related to, and I just didn't feel any real connection to any of them simply due to nobody IRL really talking like they're talking.
Awesome thoughts, good insights and an absolutely astounding vocabulary. Just be careful it doesn't get so hung up on educating people that it forgets to draw them in and make them want to keep reading it.
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