I struggled through this a bit because your phrasing and word choice distracted me. Your overuse of "quite" for example. It's in Part 1 a dozen times, some of them used in an awkward way. And "very" appears nearly 30 times. You should strike that word from your vocabulary.
Then there are other phrases that loose me, such as, "Life just did not seem exactly that usual." You're describing a surreal moment, so I wouldn't think of that as usual. Am I missing a subtlety of meaning here?
Having said that, I want you to know that I didn't stop reading here, but went through all of Part 2 as well. I did so because you had me hooked on the story. I wanted to know why Curtis had been shot, who the pursuers were, why they kept Joe alive, where they had taken him... In short, I like the story you're trying to tell. You had me intrigued enough to ignore the wordiness and the weak descriptives. I think you just need to get those out of the way of your story.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/scrivener227
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 4:04am on Nov 25, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
