Hello again! Well as I promised--at least I think I did--to look at another of your stories, so here I am, ready to read and ramble.
This time around I think I'll go over a few things I see grammar-wise. Just glossing over the story, before reading it in full, I knew the subject matter was possibly a heavy one, so with that in mind, I felt batting away with "story ideas & direction" would be unnecessary. From what I've read it seems you already have a firm idea of the story, and its direction, so I don't need to start in like a caffeine induced penguin prattling on about fish. Of course penguins have nothing to do with anything, but I like penguins, and this is my review, so there.
Anyway....
Let's get to the heart of the matter, which is your uses of grammar. What I will do is go line by line through the story and offer ideas or corrections where I feel it is necessary. Again, any and all corrections or suggestions I offer are purely opinion, and you may use them or discard them as you see fit. (I always work in that clause, mainly because I detest the idea of someone imposing their opinion as some sort of blatant fact.)
So here we go!
**As a rule of thumb, anything in brackets [ ] signify corrections, additions, alterations, etc., of whatever you've written. This way you know what is your original work and what is my suggestive work.**
No one was home. Good. I hurried to the bathroom and waited anxiously. 'please no, please no,' I prayed silently.
[No one was home. Good.
I hurried to the bathroom and waited anxiously. Sitting on the rim of the bathtub, I prayed silently to myself, "Please no, please no."]
Sometimes, if not all the time, giving a sentence its own line offers more power to the sentence, or at the very least, gives it a due amount of attention. Also, when there is a switch in action it is often a good idea to start a new sentence.
Example: When I got home I was more than hungry, I was famished. Walking into the kitchen I was startled to see a dead rat in the middle of the floor, my cat, Mr. Perkins, standing over him with a look of pride and triumph.
In this example, the act of the character seeing the dead rat underneath her cat is somewhat lost in the two sentences. It gets attention, but give me your opinion if by separating the sentences, the effect is stronger?
[When I got home I was more than hungry, I was famished.
Walking into the kitchen I was startled to see a dead rat in the middle of the floor, my cat, Mr. Perkins, standing over him with a look of pride and triumph.]
When a reader sees that there is a new line beginning, it means something has changed, in this case the setting. Granted we know the character is entering their house, but we don't know what room. By starting a new sentence the reader puts aside the mental image of a house and immediately sees the kitchen. I could be wrong, but that's how my mind tends to illustrate things when I read. By starting a new line you give the reader a break, a brain breath, as it were, before continuing on with the story.
**What do you think?**
Five minutes was up. I looked.
My stomache dropped. My vision blurred. My head spun. <-- Separate sentences, which adds more to the effect! Very nice.
This isnt happening, I thought. <-- Capitalize the first 'T', and remove the quotations. If you're telling me that the character is thinking something, you generally don't need these --> ' '
Also, if there aren't any other characters in the scene, you sometimes don't even need to add "I thought" to the sentence. The reader is smart enough to know that what they're reading is the character's thoughts.
Example: She dropped the plate and cringed when she heard it shatter. Damn it all, she thought.
If she is the only character, then lets take out the 'she thought' and replace it with an exclamation.
Redo: She dropped the plate and cringed when she heard it shatter. Damn it all!
If you want to add emphasis, make it a separate line.
Final Redo:
She dropped the plate and cringed when she heard it shatter.
Damn it all!
**As you can see, depending on where a sentence goes, or how you organize it, dramatically alters the emphasis of feeling. While this works well some of the time, I wouldn't suggest over doing it. Too many sentences with high emphasis will bog the reader, and make your writing come across as overly dramatic. It's a balancing act, but with practice, it is becomes natural and fun to play with. Remember, you are directly effecting the reader's emotions based on how you organize your words and sentences.**
It read: positive.
When my mom returned home from who knows where, she passed our old, stained couch, where I had been laying for hours, sobbing until I couldn't cry any more tears. <-- Very strong. Good imagery and direction.
"Are you gonna cook dinner tonight, Zoey, or are we not eating?" mom asked, still completely oblivious to the fact that I had tears streaming slowly down my bright red face.
**When it comes to using the word 'asked, asking, or ask' I tend not to use when the dialogue is clearly identified as a question by the use of a question mark.
Example: Where are they going? he asked. <-- We know he is asking something because of the ?. We don't really need asked. Instead use said, or if there needs to be emphasis, use other verbs, like: shout, scream, holler, demand, etc.
Examples:
"Where are they going?" he said. <-- We know he's asking a question, but now we know what tempo it is asked in. But we can change this.
"Where are they going?" he shouted.
"Where are they going?" he whispered.
Unless you are specifying tone, just use said. There's nothing wrong with said. In fact, maybe you've noticed that when you read dialogue your eyes seem to gloss right over it, almost as if the word said wasn't even there. I bet if you look at any number of books, and actually take a moment to count all the times said is used, you would think, "Wow, they really use that word a LOT." That's because your eyes and mind tend to accept the word without much consideration. In fact, said is a great word that tidily strings two parts of dialogue together.
Example: "There is nothing wrong with him. You just can't accept the fact that maybe he's half man and half goat!"
Now break the dialogue up with said.
"There is nothing wrong with him," she said. "You just can't accept the fact that maybe he's half man and half goat!"
**You probably read right over 'she said' without giving it much thought. If anything, it probably made you imagine the character taking a moment to think about what they were going to say next, which is what people do in conversations. They say something then think about what to say next. It creates a flow.**
"Zoey? Do you hear me talkin' to you?" she barked. <-- Nice!
I breathed in slowly. "Sorry mom. Be right there." <-- I think adding the red faced description would work better here.
Example: I breathed in slowly, wiping the tears from my reddened face. "Sorry mom. Be right there."
**To me this makes more of an impact, and doesn't bog dialogue with too much detail.**
So we have this:
"Are you gonna cook dinner tonight, Zoey, or are we not eating?" mom asked, still completely oblivious to the fact that I had tears streaming slowly down my bright red face.
"Zoey? Do you hear me talkin' to you?" she barked.
I breathed in slowly. "Sorry mom. Be right there."
Does this sound better or different?:
"Are you gonna cook dinner tonight, Zoey, or are we not eating?" mom said sharply.
I breathed in slowly, wiping the tears from my reddened face. "Sorry mom. Be right there."
**You don't have to state that her mom didn't notice her tears because she hasn't bothered to ask what is wrong with her daughter. Why is she crying? By adding tone to the mothers voice, and the physical response of wiping away the tears, and replying obediently, we see the harsh relationship between mother and daughter. Or maybe I have had too much lemonade this afternoon and still on a sugar high...I don't know.**
Stumbling into the kitchen, I searched for anything that looked somewhat appetizing. The cupboard had been emptied the previous day, aside of some noodles, so I guess I had no other option.
As I waited for the water to boil, I honestly wasn't focused on dinner.
Is the test right? I kept wondering. I was only 15 [fifteen]. I knew that it's still possible, but when it happens to you it seems, well, impossible. <-- Good character thoughts!
**If it is a small number, like 15, you can go ahead and spell it out. But if it's a big number, like 198, or a year, use numbers.**
Suddenly, the boiling water began to leak out of the pot, like lava pouring out of a volcano. <-- Good imagery!
"Dammit! Zoey! What the hell is your problem?" mom screamed, her eyes like daggers. <-- I like it! You create the mother's venom purely through dialogue, which is sometimes difficult to do.
"I'm sorry, mom, I'm just a little stressed, and it's been a hard day---"
" You don't think I've had a hard day?" she hissed(.) "You know what Zoey, just go. Go to your room, I don't wanna see you anymore."
Fury boiled inside me. I wanted to scream what I had been holding back for years, but I also felt powerless. Powerless to talk back or go against her.
Leaving the pot of water(,) still boiling(,) on the stove, I stormed into my cramped bedroom and locked the door. <-- You can get rid of these commas.
"What am I going to do?" I whispered, leaning my back against the door. Terror surrounded me; held me captive in it's clutches. There was a bad feeling in my stomache. It was like that awful feeling that's present when you tell your first lie, or when you accidentally break your new friend's favorite doll in 2nd grade. <-- Breaking a best friend's doll is as terrifying as getting pregnant? Wow. Dolls are serious business!
How was I supposed to handle this? How was I supposed to get through my sophomore year if I was pregnant? Or my high school career with a baby?
I couldn't, I knew. I could barely take care of myself. My mother had been an alcoholic since I was 5 (five). Adoption was an option, but I would still have to miss most of the school year. Keeping it wouldn't be terrible; I had always wanted kids...(a)lthough, being 15 (fifteen), it would make everything very difficult. <-- Everything from here up to my last comment is great! Good showing of her concerns and fears through thoughts.
So the only other alternative... <-- Dramatic pause!
Chills, like electricity, coursed through my veins and crawled up my spine. The thought caused my heart to beat faster, to pound against my
chest. <-- What is it!!
No, I told myself. I couldn't. <-- Do what?!! *Suspense*
There was nothing I had against abortions; it was personal issues more than anything. I wouldn't have been able to make myself do it. <-- Ah!
I squeezed my tired eyes shut and filled my lungs with a deep, shaky breath (of air). My eyelids... My entire body, really, seemed to weigh a thousand pounds. I had lost many nights of sleep since August. <-- I would leave out 'of air'. I would assume she is breathing air, unless she's not human. The main reason is that it is a little distracting.
Example:
I squeezed my tired eyes shut and filled my lungs with a deep, shaky breath of air.
Redo:
I squeezed my tired eyes shut and filled my lungs with a deep, shaky breath.
Now you can redo this again by adding another comma.
Final Redo:
I squeezed my tired eyes shut, and filled my lungs with a deep, shaky breath.
The first comma break, after shut, separates the action of her closing her eyes, so the reader goes, 'eyes close' then a deep....shaky breath.
This night will be no different, I thought grimly.
My mom was still sleeping when I left the apartment the next morning.
A crisp autumn wind met me as soon as I stepped out of the building.
Go inside, it whispered, but I trudged on. <-- Who whispered? Her thoughts? I think that's it. Okay, I got it now.
The heavy fog hung low, just above the grass, as if someone had sprinkled dust in the air.
Cricket chirps (that) rang in my ears(,) and the soft swish of grass under my feet were the only sounds I heard as the rest of the world slowly (began to awaken) awakened. I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket once I arrived at the corner to wait for the bus. <-- Delete 'that'. I also replaced 'began to awaken' with 'awakened'. Aaand I added a comma. I also added a giant pink teddy bear, but only I can see him! His name...is Tim.
With trembling hands, I typed: 'I have 2 talk 2 u'.
Half a minute later, my phone (sang out) [rang] a happy ringtone I wasn't in the mood for. On the cracked screen, it read:
Txt message from: Ben.
His only response was a casual 'kk'.
"Hey, Zoey!"
I glanced up and shoved my phone in my bag. Skipping towards me, brighteyed and beaming with too much happiness for a Tuesday morning, was Silvia Goodcoin. Trailing behind her was her brother, Travis, who, unlike his sister, wore a scowl on his face.
I did my best to fake a smile, but even without seeing it, I knew it was weak. "Hey, Silvia."
Fifteen minutes of listening to Silvia 'OMG' this, and 'LOL' that, it was clear to me why Travis was in such a foul mood. <-- I feel Travis's pain.
She didn't really talk to me(...) She (mainly) talked at me. <-- Two things here; see below ---\/
**When using ellipsis, keep it mostly to dialogue. You can use it in non-dialogue sentences, but use it too often and it gets distracting. Also, avoid using adverbs in short sentences, unless it is really necessary.**
Original:
She didn't really talk to me(...) She (mainly) talked at me.
Redo:
She didn't really talk to me. She talked at me.
If you want, you can italicize 'at' in the second sentence to give it emphasis, if that is what you want.
Final redo:
She didn't really talk to me. She talked at me.
Finally, the bus drove around the corner and slowed to a stop, wheels shrieking with the movement. <-- **I think squeaking, or squealing might work better. Shrieking makes me picture the bus slamming to a stop. If so, that driver needs help.** The doors opened and Silvia rushed in front of both Travis and (me) [I]. I let Travis ahead of me and hiked up the steep steps.
Paying little attention to Silvia and her best friend Ruby, I sat alone in the back, staring out the window the rest of the ride.
When the school was in sight, I was practically in hysterics. My stomach was doing somersaults, and it only felt weaker as the bus turned into the parking lot. My head screamed at me to stop, to just turn around and go home. But I had to tell Ben. I was determined.
(and I was on the bus, so what could I do?)
Taking a deep breath, I stepped off the bus and headed towards the other side of the parking lot, where I was sure I would find him.
I spotted Ben waiting by his car. Once his deep, chestnut brown eyes met mine, he smiled and beckoned for me to come over to him. Unwillingly, I forced myself to keep walking. <-- **Deep, chestnut brown eyes? Hmm. I would just say 'eyes.' Deep chestnut brown eyes seems out of place here. It's okay to have it, but it is somewhat distracting. I want to know her thoughts, what will she say? What will she do? I don't care what color his eyes are. You can slip it in later, but here, at a crucial moment in the story, I would leave it out. For now.**
"Hey, Zo!" (h)e greeted me, leaning in for a kiss, but I dodged it, eyes filling with tears. I looked down. <-- I have suggestions!
How about this:
"Hey, Zo!" (h)e greeted me, leaning in for a kiss.
I dodged it, my eyes filled with tears. I looked down.
**Now we cut to his dialogue**
"What's wrong? You're not breaking up with me, are you?"
"No... It's just..." I choked on my words. Tears spilled, and sobs shook my body. <-- Ellipsis! They're everywhere!
"Oh, Zoey. It's going to be okay," Ben murmured, wrapping his arms around me. I pressed myself closer to him. In a tiny voice, I managed to say, "I'm pregnant." <-- Nicely done.
He pushed back, his face froze[n] (into) [in] an expression I couldn't read. Anxiety was butterflies in my stomach.
After what felt like forever, he sputtered, "[T]hat's not...that's not p-possible!" <-- New line. Note below --\/
**Ellipsis. You like them. A lot. And that's okay, but here are some things to remember about them:
When using ellipsis make sure you connect the sentence or dialogue, and don't make caps.
Example:
"What... That can't be right!"
Remove the space between the ellipsis and the 'T'.
"What...That can't be right!"
Lowercase 'T'.
"What...that can't be right!"
**Now you've got it! This rule applies for non-dialogue as well.**
"But it is, Ben. I really am pregnant!" I (spoke) softly, careful not to be heard. <-- I would replace 'spoke' with 'said'. And remove 'careful not to be heard.' She's speaking softly, so it's obvious she doesn't want to be heard. I also adjusted the comma in the dialogue. Also, if she is speaking softly, remove the exclamation mark.
Redo: "But it is, Ben. I really am pregnant," I said softly.
I stepped closer to him, needing his warm embrace, his gentle whisper reassuring me everything would be okay.
"Stop," he hissed, pushing me away, as if it was completely my fault.
"I'm sorry..."
"You're getting an abortion," he said dryly.
"No!"
"Abortion or we're over!"
"Ben, please just listen!" I pleaded helplessly, though I could already feel a blanket [of] hopelessness drape over me.
"What?"
I tried to choke out what I wanted to say, but truthfully, I didn't know how... Or what, to say. <-- Ellipsis! Curse you ellipsis!
Redo: I tried to choke out what I wanted to say, but truthfully, I didn't know how...or what, to say.
I sank to the ground, my mind trying to process everything, but I couldn't comprehend any of it.
"Let me know when you figure things out," he growled, and left me on my own. Warm, salty tears slid down my face as I sat, ignoring the stares of my peers. How could he leave me in a time like this? I knew it was (alot) to tell someone, especially considering he was the father. But how else was I supposed to tell him? <-- alot should always be 'a lot'. Always two separate words. Other than that, this is excellently done.
Oh, s***.
My stomache twisted with the sudden realization. My mother. I had to tell her. <-- Stomache should be stomach. I'm not sure what a stomache is, but it sounds like an organ with manscape.
"Mom?" I slowly made my way into the apartment as every bone in my body yearned to turn back, as every molecule screamed warnings,
cautioning me not to tell her my secret.
"Zoey Alice March!" mom stumbled out of her bedroom, slurring her words. <-- This is a bit choppy.
Redo: "Zoey Alice March!" mom slurred as she stumbled out of her bedroom.
It was too late to turn back.
"I have to tell you something," I began, but she cut me off before I could say anything else.
"Who says I wanna listen? You think I wanna listen to you? Ha! I--"
"Mom, I'm pregnant!" I cried, fighting my tears.
**Good strong dialogue! Simple, but realistic.**
The nasty smirk escaped her face as she glared at me, her face [s]crunched into an expression of rage, her eyes [icy] [cold]. She walked over to me, standing so close, I could smell the alcohol in her breath. We stared at each other for a moment, and then without warning, she grabbed my arm and twisted [it] hard.
I let out a cry, [but was] cut short by her other hand hitting me once.
Twice.
Three times.
My face burned and tingled.
**For her eyes, either have them icy or cold. Icy and cold mean pretty much the same thing. Like hot and warm. Granted they are varying degrees of heat, but in this case just pick one.**
**Also you might notice I gave the slapping separate lines. To me, I think it draws out the slapping, and shows how heartless her mother is. The act of abuse is singled out, so the reader cannot escape it, just like Alice.**
"You are not my daughter! I don't ever want to see you again! Get out and never come back!" she shrieked, slapping my arms, back, anything
she could as I ran to escape her hostility.
**I redid some parts to this part. You can look back at the original to see what it was, but essentially I just removed the ellipsis. Again, ellipsis are fine, but I'm starting too see a bit too much of it.**
I rushed out the door, down the hall, and heard the door slam. <-- Very nice. Sharp, direct, to the point action.
When I was outside, in safety, I halted, gasping, tears racing down my face, stinging my cheeks that had been hit so hard.
My mother had hit me many times before, calling me horrible names that I had [learned] to ignore. But as I stood outside, I knew I had never been abused like that before. Because the things she said and done...I could tell she really meant them. And that hurt me more than any slap to the face.
**Just did a little trim work on the sentences. Other than that the story is flowing very well. I like it! Oh yes. One more thing. ELLIPSIS!!!**
Before anything else could go wrong, I scurried away.
Where would I go?
The question remained unanswered for only a moment. I knew who would take me in without question, who would care about me no matter what: My father[']s sisters, Aunt Norah and Aunt Kristy.
After walking from the bus stop for a mile or so, I spotted their house. I trudged across their lawn. I was no longer sobbing, but my green eyes were now pink and puffy. My dark blonde hair hung uselessly to frame my color drained face. <-- Change 'color drained' to 'pale.'
Redo: After walking a mile or so from the bus stop, I spotted their house. I trudged across the front lawn, and by the time I reached the door I wasn't sobbing anymore, though my green eyes were pink and puffy. My dark blonde hair framed my pale face as I wiped the lines of dry tears.
**This is a somewhat complete redo of what you wrote, but I wanted to give you an idea of how to play with words. Sometimes adding more atmosphere, or more detail to certain aspects of the character can bring greater emotion. Or just make the world more vivid.**
"Zoey! What are ya doin' here, hun?" Aunt Norah stepped out of the house, her long brown hair thrown in a messy bun, her pajamas still on.
** I love the description of Aunt Norah **
I once again began to sob, and ran into her arms.
"Oh, Zoey. You're okay, baby! Everything's gonna be okay," she crooned.
After a moment I backed up, glanced into her green eyes, and (nearly) whispered, "I'm pregnant." <-- Delete 'nearly.'
**Nearly whispered? Hmm. I'd say get rid of 'nearly.' Based on the Aunt's reaction, I'd say she did whisper it. If you mean she said it softly enough as to be close to a whisper, then use 'said softly.'**
"Zoey!"
"I know. I know it's so, so wrong. But I'm probably about a month pregnant, and I told my mom and she kicked me out---"
"She kicked you out?"
I nodded.
Aunt Norah stood frozen, arms crossed, scrutinizing me with worried eyes. Finally she sighed. "Let's get you out of this cold. You can stay in your old room."
I hadn't realized how cold I was until she mentioned it. I trailed behind her up the driveway and into the house. A warm cinnamon smell wrapped me up like a blanket and invited me to step further inside. <-- Beautiful description! Also, the word further relates to a metaphysical degree, whereas farther relates to distance. In this case we will use farther.
"Kristy, you'll never guess who's here!" Aunt Norah called.
"Who is it, Norah?" I heard Aunt Kristy's voice from the kitchen.
"Well come out here and see!"
"I'm coming!" [T]he kitchen door swung open, and as soon as Aunt Kristy saw me, her eyes brightened and she threw her plump arms around me.
**Aunts rock.**
"Zoey! I haven't seen ya since Easter! How are ya, darlin'?"
"I could be better," I whimpered.
"What's wrong, pumpkin?" she asked, backing up to see me, but she still held me in her grasp.
"She needs a place to stay. Katrina kicked her out of the house--"
"What?! Why?"
"She's pregnant," Aunt Norah explained.
Her face held an aghast and horrified expression. I didn't know if it was a reaction to me being pregnant or my mom kicking me out of the house.
Or both.
"Oh, my goodness! Yes, dear! Of course you can stay! Why don't ya stay in your old room? It's nice and cozy in there. Ya look tired, anyway," she said gently.
"[T]hank you both," I breathed, and shuffled my feet down the hall to my new-- an old--- room.
**For this part I would not use breathed to define how she spoke. I see it quite often and it sounds a bit off.**
Speaking Exercise:
As you read this I would like you to sit up straight.
Now breath the following sentence: "I would thank to thank everyone who came to the show."
Do you feel close to hyperventilating? That's because you can't really 'breathe' words. You breathe air, yes, but not words. You also cannot sigh, gasp, or snort a sentence. Not if you want to be taken seriously, or not have people think you have breathing problems.
Instead try:
I breathed in. "This won't work!"
Or
"This won't work!" I breathed in. <-- Breathed in is not what the character is doing while they speak, but afterward.
Example:
"This won't end well," he sighed. "Just cross your fingers." <-- Sighing sentences sounds odd, especially if you try in real life.
Try:
"This won't end well." He sighed. "Just cross your fingers."
In this example the sigh is between the dialogue. Like a person sighing between comments. But not many people actually sigh a comment, not a long one, anyhow.
Well, I think that about covers everything. Overall I like the story. The characters are strong, the dialogue is solid, and there's a sense of direction in the story. There's a concise beginning, middle, and end. I was curious to know what happens next, and that's the mark of a good story; when the reader want's to know and see more.
I hope this review helped, and I do hope you continue writing, because you've got a talent at it. All you have to do with it is define and refine, and in time, you will find yourself sitting down one day at age 25, reading over the material of someone much younger, and saying, "Oh dear, now that has to go..."
And I just noticed something.... <-- ELLIPSIS!!!! |
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