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21 Public Reviews Given
21 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Stars part 1  Open in new Window.
Review by scottdaniel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
I am not sure if you wrote this as the 11 year-old kid or not, but this thing is riddled with grammar errors. The story is a cool concept, but the lack of proper sentence structure, along with the...

Wait. You did this on purpose, didn't you? I get it now!

Nice.

But just in case you didn't, I recommend you use grammerly.com to help you out.

Thanks for sharing!


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2
2
Review of Dream  Open in new Window.
Review by scottdaniel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Every once in a while, there comes a poem that makes zero sense until you read the title. This is one of those poems. Without this title, this poem has no substance to hold on to. It would be vapor slipping through the fingers of the reader's mind. Knowing it is a dream gives it the flesh necessary to make it solid in the mind. Well done!

SD


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3
3
Review of My Best Friend  Open in new Window.
Review by scottdaniel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Nice! Thank you for sharing something so personal! Were these your wedding vows?

Free form poetry is actually my favorite. It gives me an opportunity to create a rhythm for it in my head as I read. As a trumpet player, I often find myself writing a melody to a poem as I read it. I hear a very soulful, romantic melody in yours. Great job!

BS


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4
Review by scottdaniel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
As a huge baseball fan, I found this poem to represent the career of a player from start to finish. While some of the lines felt forced in order to fit in the style, It read well, and I found myself getting that fever! I Feel that this poem would have more of an impact if the stanzas were more deliberate in what they each are trying to say. As they are, each stanza seems to have multiple messages, rather than a single message per stanza. If feels a bit out of order, if you get my meaning. Besides all that, I really liked this poem! Thanks for sharing!

BS


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5
5
Review by scottdaniel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Not a lot to say about this one. I am sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing!

BS


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6
6
Review of Sinless Ocean  Open in new Window.
Review by scottdaniel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
The ocean is pretty amazing. I grew up near it, and any time I feel stressed or down, the ocean has a way of making things right. Thanks for sharing!


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7
7
Review of The letter  Open in new Window.
Review by scottdaniel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
We all have monsters inside. Some people can keep it in its cage, locked away, deep down inside. Others... Well, other people have very strong monsters, and no cage can keep them forever. Not without help, anyway. I loved this. Thank you for sharing!

BS


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8
8
Review of "Waiting"  Open in new Window.
Review by scottdaniel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
I had to read this three times before it hit me. I believe you are talking of Jesus. Very nice concept. I think the execution could have been made much clearer with better sentence structure and grammar, but perhaps this could also be seen a pure thought. The process of having thoughts can be jumbled and confusing, and we pull from them what we feel and understand. Anyway... nicely done!

BS


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9
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Review of The School  Open in new Window.
Review by scottdaniel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
So much backstory in such a small sample. Well done!


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10
10
Review of Targets (2013)  Open in new Window.
Review by scottdaniel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
I don't know if you have gotten feedback from other screenwriters on this or not, but as a screenwriter, I would love to give you a full treatment on this. For now, I will touch on the major points.

Formatting:
There are a lot of formatting issues going on, and I would start by suggesting you get your hands on "The Screenwriter's Bible" to help you get your bearings. I would also suggest "Dr. Format Tells All" by the same author, Dave Trottier. These are both must haves for both the novice and professional screenwriters alike. Here are a couple of tips:

When introducing new characters, you need to put their name in ALL CAPPS. It is also the time to add a short description. For example:

DANIEL, 32, in jeans and leather jacket, leans against the bridge's railing and watches the river meander by.

When a character picks up a phone, it is definitely not necessary to use a parenthetical describing what we already know. Parenthetical should be used sparingly, if at all.

One of the most important things in screenwriting, especially when you are starting out, is to show, not tell, what is happening. Keep us out of the character's mind. Do not tell us what the character is thinking or feeling. We don't, as the viewer, know what is in the character's mind, so it is wasting real estate to put it in action lines.

Lastly, break up your dialogues with action. Long monologues can get boring to read when they are all in a single block. Nobody stands still while going on for ten lines. They pace, take off their glasses to clean them, wave the bottle of poison in their victim's face, etc. Make it more visual. When this comes across a reader's desk at a studio, if they see large blocks of dialogue or action, they may feel like the action is getting bogged down and get bored or frustrated. That usually sends your script to the reject pile. The more white space in your script, the better.

That is all I will say for now, but if you would like to get full notes and recommendations, I would be more than happy to help you out. You have a cool story here, and with good formatting and some adjustments to plot structure, you could have a cool flick on your hands!

I hope this helps!

BS


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11
11
Review of The Escape  Open in new Window.
Review by scottdaniel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Ah, the ocean! I am never more at peace than when I am wiggling my toes in the sand as waves wash my worries away. Thank you for posting this! It almost made me feel as if I was there. Almost...


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
12
12
Review of Love's a Racket  Open in new Window.
Review by scottdaniel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
That final line gave this the push it needed to become a five. It didn't have to be a huge push, as the whole thing was very well written and paced. It reminded me of a song I heard... but can no longer remember. It is always good when something takes the place of something else in the mind. It moves it over, down the line, where it belongs, and sits on the throne. Thank you for sharing this!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
13
13
Review by scottdaniel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I dig it! I love the deep hopelessness you have created in these lines. It makes me wonder if this is pulled from your own life, or is it a perspective piece about the world in general. Nice job! My only tip would be to use punctuation. I see this is free-form, but punctuation doesn't know that. Ha!
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