Very nice story. I never fail to be amazed by the depths of peoples imagination. A nicely written piece, the characters are strong, the dialog is crisp and lively, and it flows well and drew me in, making me want to see where it was going. Nice job.
I like this story a lot ! There were several places in the dialog where both people are speaking in the same sentence "Thank you so much Ms. Alexander ... um, do I owe you something?" "Oh no dear, just consider it my gift." I don't know if this is in fact incorrect but I have always seen it as;
"Thank you so much Ms Alexander ... um, do I owe you something", she asked.
"Oh no dear, just consider it my gift", she replied.
I know the She saids, and he asked, get to be a pain and sometimes seem to ruin the flow of the conversation, especially in a long dialog, but I have been advised that they need to be there most of the time. I notice there is a word count and keeping a piece below 1000 words and getting your point across can be very chalenging and realize this may be the cause of these omitions.
Only a couple of more small things. You need a , after the word worm in the 1st sen.
The 2nd sen. reads "She had run straight through her new Peter Jackson collection of books pretty quickly" Less is more "She had run through her new Peter Jackson collection of books pretty quickly" or "She had run straight through her new Peter Jackson collection of books" and since you go on to say that her father had bought her the 5 book collection in the next sen. you could eliminate the word collection and just say "She had run through her new Peter Jackson books pretty quickly".
Again "She quickly began to walk through the store at a brisk pace....." you only need "quickly" or "at a brisk pace" I'm no pro, I post very few facts, these are just my opinions. write on
I liked this story, it reminded me of fishing with my dad as a kid. The wriring wasn't bad but I think you might want to work on the punctuation a little. Too many short choppy sentences that break up the flow of the story. Normaly I find that people, including myself, tend to use too many comas but in this case I think the story would benefit from changing a couple of periods to comas. The way a story reads is important to how well it is enjoyed. Over all a good read. Keep up the good work.
Wow, did I ever enjoy this. A real treat after having been away from writing for some time.
The only place I saw that might use some improvement was at the very begining. One of the best pieces of advice I have ever received in a review was "Say as much as possible with as few words as you can".
The second line in the first paragraph reads "forget all about entirely" Would it read better without either the "all" or the "entirely"? And the third line in the second "he read every single issue" very minor, but do you need the "single"?
I thought I would find these all through the story but I was glad to find I was wrong. After that it read very well and pulled me through the story with ever mounting interest.
I loved the begining of the second sentence of the third paragraph "He fell into the pages"
Keep up the good work.
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