First let me say, I really enjoy fables—new, old, any topic, any culture. Although, would you consider this an apologue rather than a fable? Regardless, what I like about fables and fairy tales is simplicity, the ability to capture a very abstract concept and give it life and imagery.
Your description touches on those abstract concepts (existence, eternal life, happiness) as well as the illustrative tool (a little bit of elf). I liked that your magic elements were simple (water of life and little green man). However I think I would have enjoyed it more if your human elements were a bit more developed. I don’t mean add a bunch of words, but be specific with the words you choose. Many times fables use exaggerations (most beautiful, whitest skin, laziest, etc). If your character Kevin was just ordinary, maybe you could describe him as excessively ordinary. Also, I was confused why you were “calling him” Kevin. Why would you need an alias in this type of story? If there is a specific purpose, and you need to keep that aspect I would suggest you might drop his name from the dialog (when the elf said his name it brought me right back to that question, which (for me at least) distracts from the simplicity of the story. I liked your title—just the right amount of mystery.
Now for a few specifics. In the first paragraph, maybe there is a way to rephrase that last line so you don’t have to repeat the word stumbling. In the second paragraph, one of the “bushes” could be replaced with bramble or something similar to emphasize the thorniness. In the last paragraph, you could try to leave off “else on the planet”. It may be just me, but for some reason the word “planet” takes away from the timelessness and I don’t think it adds anything. I also don’t think you need “as we all should do” at the very end. Because it’s structured like a fable/parable it’s teaching by nature. I feel you don’t need to remind the reader to apply the lesson to his/her life even if the whole illustration is for that purpose. Again, these are all just opinions and based on me thinking your going with a pretty traditional story type. I enjoyed “Eau de Vie” and hope that you’ve found some helpful nugget above.
One quick disclaimer: this is my first review on this site. I’ve read all the writing.com articles on reviews and participated in writing critique groups for years, but if I’ve still managed to muck this up with faux pas, please know it was unintentional. In other words, excuse my newbie-ism!
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