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Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Schezar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Section 8

*Bullet* Misty felt a brief sharp chill as she passed through the pillars. In its wake, she felt vividly alert and alive again. As she was again lowered to the floor
Nothing major, I just noticed two ‘agains’ in close proximity.

*Bullet* "Time for us to do our duty, Mistral.
The Baron’s wife knows who Misty is? That came as a bit of a surprise to me, since Misty wasn’t terribly well-to-do, didn’t have any living family, and hadn’t been the Archmage’s apprentice for terribly long.

*Bullet* You may address me as Lord Aroostook, human woman." He sniffed disdainfully.
Pompous ass. I had a strong enough reaction to this; I would have liked to see how Misty’s doing. My last impression of her is simply following on Lady Halleigh’s heels. How does she feel approaching a blue blooded mage for the first time, especially this mage? Her progression to the point where she blurts out and interrupts Lord Aroostook might have been satisfying to witness, especially because I would have wanted to do the same.

*Bullet* In fact, I demand that you remove yourself and these other creatures immediately from these premises.[“]

*Bullet* "The Archmage! He is well then? Oh, I hope he will he be returning soon! But why would he purchase a human servant?"
Interesting… such enthusiasm from a servant girl. And then she keeps calling him “Kai“… *starts thinking all sorts of things*

*Bullet* Although Misty could tell that she was longing to ask more question[s]

*Bullet* "I had to light it from Lady Halleigh's candle. I really have very little power myself. Most of us halfies don't."

"I'll be back soon with your baths and food."

Is this the same person talking?

*Bullet* "Well, someone had to make up for Aroostook's rudeness! If only Kai had returned with you--things are bad for all of us when that snotty, inbred fullblood is busy playing Lord of the Citadel."
I’m surprised she’d be so vocal about her displeasure- wouldn’t she be worried about listening ears, magic or otherwise?

*Bullet* Misty peeled of[f] the blood and mud spattered gown, and tossed it aside.

*Bullet* She sank into the warm water and ducked under, scrubbing fiercely at her dirt encrusted hair. When that was clean, she attacked her face and body, rubbing with the harsh soap until her skin was nearly raw.
By your description, she seemed to be cleaning quite vehemently, not bent on relaxing and enjoying the warm water, even though she‘s tired. Why? Does it bother her to be dirty, or disturb her to have blood on her? What’s on her mind?

*Bullet* "Sleep well, Misty. Good luck dealing with those old windbags in the council tomorrow." She quietly left the room.
To me, ‘quietly’ doesn’t seem to fit the outspoken Lani, especially if she’s uttering parting words as she’s leaving.

*Bullet* Lani's words whispered though her mind. "those with the power warm th[ei]r rooms..." Almost unconsciously she touched the flames within her. A pocket of warmth formed around her as she drifted off to sleep.
I’m much happier with this use of magic. Perhaps it’s because I imagine she’s too tired to think much about what she’s doing. She just wants warmth, and wants it now.

I don’t have any overall plot comments to make yet, except that slowly but surely I’m moving through your chapters and enjoying the ride. *Bigsmile* So see ya next time around.

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2
2
Review by Schezar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Seciton 7

I figured you’d draw out the anticipation of the Scourge a little more, as many writers do in such instances. But it came suddenly, and is advancing quickly, and I really like that.

*Bullet* Would you leave so many innocents to die out of spite at one old warlord's angry words?"
And now I like the Baron. He knows when to be humble.

*Bullet* Be very grateful that I[t] I[s] I who am here, and not one of the full blood brethren.

*Bullet* Kai touched the [?] "Get as many to the Portal now as you can, Baron!
An unfinished thought?

*Bullet* He picked his way through the stretchers until he reached the far end of the chamber, where two towering white pillars framed a mass of roiling dark clouds (…) It cleared instantly, revealing a scene of a vast white marble hall lined with hundreds of pillars framing cloud-filled doorways.
Nice visual. *Smile*

*Bullet* The women and children milled about uncertainly, obviously terrified of passing through the Between Ways.
What does Misty know about the Between Ways?

*Bullet* "Kai!" Misty cried out as she and her bearers were swept through the portal with the mass exodus, but she never knew if he heard her over the noise and confusion.
Eee, what a place to end. I want Kai to know she’s not dead!
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3
Review by Schezar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Section 6

I liked matching this chapter to the one before it. It felt good to be able to go, “Aaaah, so THAT’S what was going on…” *Bigsmile* I also liked that bit of insight into Kai’s childhood and his powers. It was nicely tossed in there.

*Bullet* Even his selection as Archmage had not changed that. It had been so long since the the last war, that the position was largely honorary.

*Bullet* A[n] echo of a violent burst of [the?] darkest magic sliced through his mind, as the feelings of Misty's terror rose, then were suddenly choked off.

*Bullet* He s[ei]zed the powerful storm, dragging the clouds faster than should have been possible.

*Bullet* His hair began to stand on end as he recklessly drew in the crackling power of lightning and, with a howl of fury, sent it searing down on the row of priests below.
Yay! I thought that bold of lightening was too convenient, I’m glad you knew what you were doing. *Laugh*

*Bullet* Then the sleepless nights, the mental assaults from Misty, and his quick overextension of his power caught up with him and he staggered, falling to his knees in the mud.
It might be because it’s been too long between sections and I’d forgotten how tired he’s getting, but I think it might be necessary to play up Kai’s exhaustion a little more leading up to this point. Dark circles under his eyes, massaging his scalp to get the blood flowing up as he tries to work, things like that.


Yeah! About time the Baron came to his senses! *shakes fist*
4
4
Review by Schezar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
There’s some really good developments in this chapter that push the story forward, making the reader want more- particularly to do with Kris. *Shock* However I had a bit of trouble with the way some of the ideas were presented, as you will see shortly…

*Bullet* Misty headed down to the kitchens.
Are she and Kai staying at the castle? I thought they had found an inn, but it doesn’t sound like she goes to another building. I’m not sure if I forgot to pick that up in earlier readings or if you really didn’t specify.

*Bullet* "Kris, I just can't think he meant for me to buy a dress like this! I'm supposed to be his servant, not his dance partner at the summer gala! I can't buy this with his money!"
I love that Misty’s so honest hearted, yet torn between her conscience and the desire to catch attention. Very relatable. The girl’s becoming a woman.

*Bullet* Pain raged through her head, only to be suddenly cut off as something inside her head shifted. The vision of a bottomless well of fire filled her mind. She threw her hands up and the fire leaped from her mind to form a crackling ball in her hands. "BURN!" she screamed, thrusting it at the monstrous priest.
I’m afraid that I did not believe this development at all. It was just too sudden and Misty seemed to know exactly what to do… it didn’t work for me.

*Bullet* The crowds were butchered as they fled in a panick toward the safety of the keep

*Bullet* They stood like a wall of death, black knives glittering in their rising and falling hands, as they slaughtered the helpless town[s]folk who crowded against them trying to break through to the safety of the keep.

*Bullet* It was now a walking horror, it[s] body nothing more than a mass of charred flesh and bone; its head a blackened skull.

*Bullet* "Be quiet, Kris, please!" and Misty concentrated hard on her best trick, wondering if she could hide them both. "No one can see us, no one can hear, we are not here, we are not here," she whispered fiercely.
Another thing that didn’t work for me. I didn’t know she was at all acquainted with magick. She did say she didn’t know anything about mages.

*Bullet* A sheet of lightning stuck the wall of priests blocking the market road, leaving only blackened scorch marks where they had stood.
That’s a little too handy. I found myself hoping it was due to the interference of magick.

*Bullet* The horrible monster that wore Kris' body snarled. "I cannot face him yet. Without the powers of my chosen one, I am still too weak. But the full glory of the Army of the Scourge approaches. We will be back!"
Does it know Misty is there and want to instill fear in her? Because otherwise, I’m not sure why he would reveal his motivation so conveniently to no one in particular… *Wink*

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5
Review by Schezar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Section 4

*Bullet* The red crept down from his ears and spread across his cheeks. Misty followed his eyes and with a small squeak, grasped the gaping edges of her nearly buttonless bodice and pulled it closed tightly.
Since you noted the buttons popping off, and I was under the impression this was Misty’s POV, I didn’t quite believe her shock here. Too, when she clutched the pillow to herself earlier, I thought she was using that to hide her immodesty.

*Bullet* "Yes, to my rooms as soon as possible. Clothes... we must get you clothes. Ahh... change first please, into that charmingly... spacious item you had on yesterday." He backed hastily out of the room.
“Charmingly spacious”, hehehehe, I don’t know why, but I love that phrase.

*Bullet* The few remaining buttons popped from her bodice as she struggled out of her old gown. Carefully she gathered them up to sew back on later. A promise of new clothes did not mean those clothes were in hand yet!
Something crazily minute caught my attention here. If she was getting out of her gown, she would have presumably unbuttoned it. So how could her buttons have popped off? You may have to be more specific with her actions here- I do like that her remaining buttons popped off, it just figures. *Bigsmile*

*Bullet* That dream had most likely sprang from his own worries over the coming of the Scourge. Outside the Academy Keep and without the constant presence of the other mages, he had allowed his control to lapse and his worries must have infected her dreams.
Good explanation of what happened last night, better introducing the “projection problem”.

*Bullet* But she was so charming and sweet and deliciously lovely.... He sighed.
I’m sure a man like him could think up less cliché things to say about what makes Misty so special. *Wink*

*Bullet* "Again I must say that it would be mutually beneficial for our people to unite against our common enemy, Goranga.." A half hour or so later, he blinked and looked up to see Mistral standing over him with a tray of food.
I might suggest a new paragraph here, since some time has passed.

*Bullet* Then she glanced about the room and took in its cluttered state.
That sentence is from Misty’s POV. You could say something like“Then she glanced around the room and Kai was sure her sharp eyes were noting it’s cluttered state.”

*Bullet* Misty caught a pile of precariously tipping papers and plucked a small pouch out from under it and handed it to him. "Here, sir."
Again, this is Misty’s POV.

*Bullet* Fortunately, yours truly," he drew back and smirked cockily at her, "is very powerful."
A bit redundant- smirks do tend to be cocky.

*Bullet* "Thank you so much, sir!" She looked down at the list smiling to herself. He delighted at her obvious love of her newfound ability[.]

And the romantic tension grows! *Bigsmile* Kai's tender penchant for Misty looks like it could create some great twists later. There are so many places you can take this story, and I'm excited to find out where you'll chose to lead us.

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6
6
Review by Schezar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Section 3

*Bullet* Misty smiled and sank down on the bed. She sighed at the luxurious softness of the down-filled mattress and went limp. The events of the day spun through her mind as her eyes began to droop.
Perhaps it’s just because I’ve returned to your story after a bit of an absence, because I felt as though I wanted to know exactly what was on her mind at that point. You do show us shortly by the dialogue between her and her friend, but I would have liked to gone right into Misty‘s head right then. Then I might have experienced the sudden interruption of the knock at the door the same way Misty does- right now it doesn’t seem all that sudden.

*Bullet* "Oh, I saw what happened. It was just TOO exciting! He just appeared like that and swept you away from Gorlick. He was soooo handsome and the magic and all.. I just begged Momma to let me off work to come see you!" Kris' words tumbled out. "Of course, I am under strict orders to report everything you tell me. The kitchen is buzzing with gossip, and it is all about YOU!"
*Laugh* Tumble indeed. Although Misty seems to be a little like that herself, Kris is a great foil for her. I enjoy their cute banter. I especially like all the suggestive teasing. Foreshadowing? *nudge nudge*

*Bullet* She got up and wandered to the window and settled again on the ledge, watching the western sky as the sun sank into the mountains that marked the Gorangan border. A sense of unease shook her, as for a moment the mountains and sky seemed to drip with blood. She closed her eyes against the vision; when she looked again, the sky was the natural blushing pinks of a beautiful sunset.
Same thing here, I would encourage you to expand a bit. The vision doesn’t last long for Misty, but I would have been filled with more unease if I’d had a little longer to experience the vision by way of you describing it more. (The later dream does it well!)

*Bullet* She sat up, heart racing, disoriented for a moment by her surrounding[s].

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Review by Schezar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
You cover quite a bit in this short chapter. You explain the relationship between the mages and the humans quite nicely, as well as some more about Kai as a young archmage. I think it’ a good choice to do things from Kai’s POV, because how else are you going to reveal these things to the reader without revealing them to Misty as well? *Bigsmile*

*Bullet* At 35, while still considered little more than a youth in mage years, he was far too intelligent to act the fool over a pretty young thing!
He chuckled to himself softly.

Missing a space?

*Bullet* The gods knew that he did not need to give the mages yet another reason to regret his asenscion to Archmage.
ascension

*Bullet* Then they could return to their isolation, only interacting with lowly humans when collecting tithes and taking commissions from rich lords.
their

*Bullet* One of those urgent magical duties, that simply could not wait.
The comma chops up the sentence a bit.

*Bullet* I have more of this mystical claptrap than I can stomach for one night.
I’d had


On to the next one... *Bigsmile*
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8
Review by Schezar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Dawn, about time I returned the favor eh? And it was no trouble, I was quite engaged in the story from the minute you gave me something to be interested in: Misty’s controversial heritage. *Bigsmile* You don’t give me too terribly much to comment on, yourself. Your spelling and grammar are fine and you introduced new elements to the reader logically. And you seem to be doing well when it comes to point of view- something I have had a lot of trouble with. In short, great job, especially for someone who doesn’t call themselves a writer! I really enjoyed reading it.

Suggestions (and other silly notes):

*Bullet* It was far to big for her tiny frame, but at least it was not stained and falling to pieces like her work gown.
too

*Bullet* Her father had passed through the inn some seventeen years earlier and bespelled and bedded the owner's pretty young daughter.
My word processor says “bespelled” is not a word, but I like that it goes with “bedded”. If you run into trouble with this, try “bewitched” instead. That will work too.

*Question* It looked like her nastiest cousin had drawn the short straw this year and was set to guard duty.
Is this the first day of a new year? I ask because, if it isn’t, wouldn’t Misty have already noted that her cousin Jack was on guard duty this year?

*Note1* Even the whispered talk of renewed border clashes with Goranga had not dampened the festive spirit of the town.
Hint hint. *Bigsmile* I always like to know that things are not as they seem…

*Bullet* And if no one bid, she would be sent off to the Night Guild, home of beggars, whores, and, less officially, thieves and assassins.
beggars
All right, immediate tension! What shall be her fate…?

*Question* Larissa's mother was head cook there and had asked the guild bidder to purchase Mistral for a place in the scullery.
Mistral? Do you mean Misty? There might be a better opportunity to drop her full name later, as it’s only confusing at this point.

*Question* "And spirited too! I saw Drusilla look you over. You would be wasted on the Servant's guild, all the petty lordlings getting for free what I could have them pay for. You would do very well for me and my guild, I think." He smiled again and Misty watched him uneasily as he joined the crowd of other bidders.
I was under the impression that the Night guild got what nobody else bid on… I didn’t anticipate them being competitive bidders as well. It made me wonder if Misty knew this, and if she did, why she would not have mentioned it as one of her anxieties? If she wasn’t aware that the Night guild might take a fancy to her and be willing to pay a high price for her, I would have liked to see a little more surprise on Misty’s part.

*Bullet* I was just running a tad late[;] the war, you know.

*Note1* A bidder from the Mage Guild had not been in Roscetta in many years.
Gasp! He’s going to pick Misty, I know it!

*Bullet* The pointed ears peeking out of his thick, dark curling hair, [his] slight stature, and brilliant jade green eyes all betrayed his heritage as a mixed blood mage.
I suggested the “his” there because as I started reading the sentence I expected it to be about his ears, so when I read “slight stature” I was momentarily confused. The “his” will separate his ears and hair his stature and eyes, making further contemplation about his appearance a bit more predictable for the reader.

*Note1* "Mistral, Mistral Innsdottir," she stammered out.
A very good place to drop her full name. Was “Innsdottir” a joke? Innsdottir. Inn’s daughter? *Blush* Or am I reading too much into things?

*Note1* Her eyes followed him until he finally joined his fellow bidders and waved at the auctioneer to begin the bidding.
I like this guy already. So imperious and flamboyant… *Laugh*

*Question* Jess chattered on, dancing about making pretend sword thrusts.
I thought they were sitting…

*Note1* As she watched, a page came hurriedly out of the castle and led him away.
Noooo, he can’t leave! It’ll be Misty’s turn soon! (Can you tell I’m into this? *Laugh*)

*Bullet* "How much are we bid for this pretty young woman?
Is talking like that part of his character? It sounds a bit awkward to me.

*Bullet* Two coppers" was shouted from the Seamstress Guild bidder.
"Three!" Drusilla counteroffered.
The Seamstress bowed out and stepped back, and Misty smiled, turning towards Drusilla.

Formatting… missing spaces between the paragraphs.

*Note1* "Oh let's just end this farce," Gorlick laughed, "Three silvers."
Whoa, he’s either a big spender or he really wants this girl. Icky.

*Bullet* As Gorlick froze in fear at the sight of the crackling sparks, Misty saw her chance and yanked free.
The “in fear” isn’t needed. If Gorlick froze, he was obviously afraid. Who wouldn’t be? *Smile*

*Bullet* The Night bidder stumbled back, babbling in terror, then fled into the stunned crowd.
Continuity- before, you capitalized the ‘b’ in ‘Mercenary Bidder.’

*Bullet* I could not have stood being Gorlack's apprentice.

*Bullet* In an harsh, abrupt voice he shouted at the nearest clerk.
“In a harsh, abrupt voice”
9
9
Review by Schezar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Laugh* Ah, I like that twist in the end, bringing in the parents' more realistic perspective. That was a good choice, and the humor works well with the jaunty, happy rhythm of the poem. You used some very playful words as well- I particularly enjoyed "romp and twirl", "endless romance" (yeah right!) and "the girl is a jerk". Hehehe...

Nice job, write on!

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Review of Under the Ice  Open in new Window.
Review by Schezar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I enjoyed the first person narration of this piece. Her thoughts get interjected everywhere, dropping little tidbits of info about the world you’ve invented. And what a world! There are so many little particulars that are sometimes hardly related to the immediate plot (my favorite was the little bit on the way derriswood must be carved) but help to suspend my disbelief. They’re thrown about all over the place, making the world rich and colorful. I noted with surprise after I finished the story that there was a lack of detailed description about such items as the ships or the characters, but I found that I did not miss it at all. Because of other abounding information I believed the world existed and was sucked in. Simply through the way the protagonist thought and behaved, I came up with my own opinions about how she looked. It was a very specific world, but at the same time I was free to imagine it the way I pleased, if you know what I mean. *Smile*

For the most part I had no idea where the story was going, but I was given a few hints from the moment of meeting Meris. I just didn’t know what to expect, and that made the story all the more interesting to me. There are also some interesting little… not quite subplots, but interesting little somethings such as the protagonist’s lost father, the rivalary between the two troops, and those incriminating holos of that monk! *Laugh* They give the reader a few red herrings to wonder about for a while, until the action really gets going… and as a bonus, they enrich the plot. I can tell you must have thought about a lot of things in writing this story. Well done!

I have no complaints as far as plot and characterization go. Here are some minor technical suggestions though, to help you polish your piece…

*Bullet* First of all, I’d recommend looking through your piece as the readers would see it, and you’ll find some spacing errors. Not a big deal, but it’s one less thing for somebody to complain about. *Wink*

I grabbed the handle, real leather, it was my father's on Old Earth, and began to carry it towards our caravan.
*Bullet* Here I’d like to make a suggestion for this sentence to help the reader to expect an interjection of the protagonist’s thought:
“I grabbed the handled- real leather, it was my father’s on Old Earth- and began to carry it towards our caravan.”

The sand of the beach was very fine, however[,] and it took quite an effort,
*Bullet* I noticed a few times that your “howevers” lack a pause on the other side. It could just be a personal preference of mine, so maybe try reading this sentence aloud to see if it sounds right to you. Here’s another one:
His head was bowed, though[,] so I found it difficult to make out his face.

or COPADS to the acronym-inclined Cetians called it,
*Bullet* This would make better sense if it was worded:
“as the acronym-inclined Cetians called it”
or
“to the acronym-inclined Cetians”

The damned Cetians were so often in a hurry to get of schedule, they had been known to program their drones to leave five, ten or even fifteen minutes early.
*Bullet* “In a hurry to get of schedule” doesn’t make sense to me. I would suggest perhaps:
“The damned Cetians were so often in a hurry to get ahead of schedule” or something like that.

Looking at my watch, I could tell that dawn must be breaking miles above, us on the surface of Europa,
*Bullet* It feels like this comma doesn’t belong.

The room is dark and silent. No one in the New Orpheus theatre is moving a muscle.
*Note1* You know normally I’d jump on a writer for daring to change from past to present tense, then to past tense again. *Laugh* But somehow it works, and you justify it with the sentence: “So began the premier performance of Tackeradd’s newest masterpiece.” It felt so smooth I didn’t notice it the first time I read it. I wonder, is that actually allowed? Hehe, it feels fine to me.

In response, one of the most beautifully crafted puppets Eylion has ever made moves onstage as if dancing.
*Question* A curious thought just hit me; what happened to the puppet the retired monk was supposed to make?

The entire piece eventually culminated in the death the love of his life, Erin[,] and one of the most wonderfully written dirges that Tackeradd had ever produced.
*Bullet* I’d suggest another pause after “Erin” before going on to the dirge to separate the two so it doesn’t seem like the dirge is dying too. *Bigsmile*

“Don’t be astonished, Rayna, may I call you that?”
*Bullet* You might want to consider separating this into two sentences to eliminate any confusion.
“Don’t be astonished, Rayna. May I call you that?”

Un fortunately,” he went on, dismissing my thanks,
*Bullet* A space isn’t required for “Unfortunately.”

He must be mistaken, I thought, I h[a] ven’t met anyone unusual except for…

I need you to keep your meeting with him and make sure he is going to go through with i[t]

I knew it was possible you could become a…ah…puppet to the Father of Merchants."
*Note1* Nice way to continue the puppet theme! And Halidax’s hesitation, as if he knows how corny it might have been to say, makes it un-corny. *Laugh*

He must have seen my confusion because he spoke as he reached out to take out his gun,
*Bullet* Did you mean that he takes Rayna’s gun?

I quickly hit a few buttons and as my opponent began to swing his fist in a vicious arc, another person materialized inside the pod with us.
*Note1* Again tying in the puppets. Love it. *Bigsmile*

The only sound was the creaking of the pod in the artificial Europan wind and I could see still him as he followed his father downwards into oblivion.
*Bullet* Ohh, the irony. *Smile* But I think “see” and “still” have been switched around.
“and I could still see him as he followed his father downwards into oblivion.”

Well, surely you don't think that you are the only puppeteer that is capable of handling matters of national security?
*Note1* I love this line. *Laugh*


The ending was very satisfying, considering that although the city was saved, the Pater Mercatorum is triumphant and the working class will still suffer. It looks as though Rayna’s been awakened to other issues. I like that Rayna keeps Jon R, though. *Bigsmile*
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11
Review by Schezar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello again. *Smile*

Despite the brevity of this chapter, it says much. The prologue told the history, and the first chapter really sets the stage. Lanka still remains a bit of a mystery, however- though I suppose that's intentional. I enjoyed that Benge's "poetry" was so awful, despite his own opinions about it causing Queens to swoon. *lol* And he seems to be quite a noble, if sappy, chap.

In the last paragraph it seems that some time has lapsed, because you say: He felt horrible for lying to the Brother about falling from the tree, implying that people have witnessed his broken arm and asked him how it happened. But because there is no real indication of this lapse in time other than a new paragraph, and because the first sentence seems to follow immediately after the actions before it, I got confused.

Well, on to the next...
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