Hello, reviewing this for I write! First let me say I'm impressed by your dedication. This is your twenty-sixth entry for this year's activity. That is an excellent accomplishment.
You made this story for two different activities. There were two different sets of criteria. You have met both of them as far as I can tell.
The description of Dan's stress and anxiety put me in that plane with him. I was relieved when the turbulence was overcome. Then you illustrated how even though he was out of physical turmoil, he was still suffering mentally.
I liked how you drew a parallel between the car's battery and his own spiritual well being. It really set up the final scene nicely.
I admit having to look at a map while reading this. I had a minor "hang on a minute" moment. The route Dan took between New York to Tennessee was through North Carolina. I had to make sure that was possible and it is. So good job, it looks like you did your research.
While I enjoyed reading the story from beginning to end, I have a suggestion about the drop notes. The first one about where to find the Elijah story in the bible was useful. However the video in the one drop note made the listing of the lyrics in the second drop note kind of superfluous. The words to the song displayed while the video played. Then again some people might have trouble reading what appears in the video so maybe the drop note with lyrics isn't superfluous.
Thanks for taking the time and care that you have to share this story.
This poem says a lot in very few words. It appears to look at the potential a second holds. It is simple, easy to read and thought provoking. I liked how the last stanza echoed the first.
Hi, I stumbled on your writing in the noticing newbies. You have an intriguing story idea here. A parasite that eats its host and takes over the body is terrifying!
There was one grammar mistake I found in your writing. "I'm sure that their not infected" should be "I'm sure that they're not infected." There are online and paper based handbooks for grammar and spelling if you need to, you can reference one of these.
Also I think you could've used more different words to describe the creature. You talk about how it looks like slime covered in slime and blood. A suggestion would be to instead say it was gooey, covered in slime and blood. Again there are online resources to find words that are similar but not the same. Also printed thesauruses are useful for locating synonyms of words you've already written.
Anyways, after thats been said, I think you've got a good story idea. Whether the protagonist survives or succumbs to disease, I think you should keep working on this story.
This has potential. You built the swamp into its own character almost. I really liked that. This was a very suspenseful story and you used an extensive vocabulary.
I do have some remarks. You had a bad habit of writing sentence fragments and making single sentences into paragraphs when they shouldn't have been. I feel as though you may have done this to build tension but after the first dozen or so instances of orphan sentences, I found it detracted from the story.
This almost had a Gothic vibe to it. Like "Murders in the Rue Morgue". There was an overall sense of dread. You mention a monster that was "indescribable" that some cult had chased this man. Then at the end you have a vile deranged man almost kill your protagonist. It left me wondering if the monster was the man or if you changed your mind about what was chasing the protagonist.
Another very minor pointer about WML and formating. On this website there is a way to make one of these — by typing {emdash}. It looks nicer on the screen than --.(In my opinion.)
Anyways, this is not the end all of reviews. Just one person's opinion. Liked your story! Welcome to WDC.
You worked the prompt in at the end. It's impressive that you could write a Santa Claus story with that line.
I kind of felt bad for Jeremy. It's a bit of a head scratcher on how playing a mall Santa is for a good cause. Still the aunt was mostly trying to pressure Jeremy. I'm not clear on her motivation but I guess in flash fiction it's harder to show that kind of thing.
This poem is sad but it brings up some good points about modern society and how our attitudes towards romance and commitment have really become shallow.
Good job!
This is hilarious! I like the way you worked in the prompt to the song lyrics. I can imagine this happening on a televised singing competition. The stove pipe hats were a great way of foreshadowing the Gettysburg address quote the end of the story.
I am reviewing Happily Ever After for I Write 2025.
This poem was sweet. The inclusion of the "sitting in a tree" line took me right back to grade school.
I liked the poem's story. I think it's great that you took the time to really show this couple ended up getting married all because of the spread of a rumor. It's a very interesting concept that I don't think I've seen before.
I am amazed at how brave you are. This letter shows a lot of yourself and what you've been going through this last year. Your words paint a clear picture of someone who has been through a lot.
Thank you for including the video for the song that inspired the title of this item. It really added to the already uplifting tone of your work.
I don't think I have any suggestions for improvement. You did a good job of making sure your letter was easily readable by choosing the font and letter size that you did. Your use of WML enhanced the emotions that were present. Your word choice was clear and easy to understand. Good luck in this year and this contest!
You make some interesting points in your writing. While mostly fine grammatically, there were some errors. Mostly rhetorically and one spelling that I picked up on.
In your writing you declare that Jesus is a real person and say there is evidence. Yet you do not expound or offer any examples from archeology or historical records. If you're going to state something like this, it needs facts for you to back it up.
I'd also like to say that Mohamed is also a real person who lived near present day Mecca around the sixth century common era. He didn't inspire the Qur'an —which you also misspelled—the words which he received as what he felt were revelations from God—Allah as Islam calls Him. The Qur'an is the record of those revelations.
Also you say that Mohammed was trying to save Arabs from "Immortality." Immortality is eternal life. I think you mean immorality. Just an idea but always make sure your auto correct is off or make sure you're using the right words by using a dictionary.
Just a personal feeling but the term Arab is a bit dated and kind of racist. Please research the Middle East and find a different term. And no I don't mean spout off what NBC CNN or FOX news has said about the area. Real facts about the place Islam originated.
Islam was founded in the city of Mecca. Mohammed was trying to get people to worship who he believed was God. At the time in the city Mecca, the Kaaba was a black cubic temple built for the idol worship of gods like Baal, Ishtar and Inana. Mohammed wanted to find the true God so he prayed.
Regardless of your beliefs, I think it behoves you to research a little more about the beliefs of other religions. It would greatly improve the quality of this piece. You don't have to convert, but this needs a rewrite.
This was such a cute story! I'm reviewing it for I write 2025.
I loved how even though the panda was silent, it had such a huge personality. It made the return in the plot line kind of whimsical.
The prompt for the contest asked for the story to be mostly dialogue. Did an excellent job of writing that. I could almost hear the different character's accents and emotions.
The only thing I could find was the words "mirror-lense" to describe the sun glasses. I always assumed lens didn't have an "e" at the end. It's a minor imperfection but you can fix it or leave it in.
This was a heart warming, goofy, and had a good ending. Thanks for sharing this with us.
I'm glad things had a happy ending. I just hope Marie doesn't end up with yet another unsupportive boyfriend or a job worse than the one she left. It sounds like she did find a silver lining to not winning the lottery though.
You did a good job of building excitement.
There were some things that my brain had trouble with.
In one of the first paragraphs, you mentioned a sink hole in the road. I wasn't entirely sure if it was literal or metaphorical. However, the narrative then goes on to describe the parasitic boyfriend begging her for breakfast.
That left me wondering if it was a literal sink hole she could see from their bedroom window or just if her life felt like a sinkhole.
The other thing was just a minor mistake. Since it was a but of dialogue, I'm not sure it needs fixed. "You and I the only ones here that long. Nobody else stays past six months." I think that the word "are" might need to be inserted between 'I' and 'the'. I'll leave it up to you if you rewrite that because I've heard people talk the way the co-worker did.
As I said earlier, I'm glad this story has a happy ending. The protagonist definitely needed the change.
I am reviewing Sumojo's December 7th entry for I Write.
The topic for the prompt was controversial. I think that what you wrote was both tasteful and tactful. I had no idea that the UK and Australia had done away with the death penalty. Your rhetorical questions really swayed me over.
I used to think that as long as it was carried out humanely, and the person was guilty, the capital punishment was justifiable. However, the questions made me think about it. I changed my mind. Your writing convinced me to switch to your point of view.
I'm impressed with the way you worked the prompt into your blog entry. It made an excellent hook to keep me reading.
I cannot find any writing, grammar or spelling errors. The piece is short and to the point.
I hope this doesn't come across as patronizing, but I really feel like this is a well put together piece. It would probably make good reading for a philosophy class. Possibly on a collegiate or at least secondary education level. Good job, thanks for allowing me to review your entry.
I am impressed with your unique response to this prompt. I feel like you made a very good point about patience.
You made excellent use of WML in this entry. The words you wrote flowed.
One tiny bit of feedback. While you did make it clear that the quote was from the bible, it took me a minute to find where the quote ended and your writing began. Just a suggestion but you could use double quotes to separate the verse from the rest of your entry.
Other than that, you made some excellent points about patience and did a good job addressing the prompt.
This is a very observant poem. I can see this woman clearly in my head. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people like that who are usually homeless. Either because unsympathetic people kicked them out or by choice.(Though if they did choose it must've been under extreme duress.)
I am glad you chose this lady as the subject of your poem. It highlights an issue so many of those in power in my area choose to ignore. Thank you.
I didn't notice anything wrong with this poem. It flows smoothly and held my attention all the way through. You took a difficult subject matter and handled it well. Keep writing!
Reviewing Dreams of Flight for I Write. This poem makes use of rhyme and repetition throughout. The prompt asked for a High Poem. Can't get much higher than flying. Unless you leave Earth.
Sorry, that last bit of my review wasn't very useful.
This poem is whist-full, rhythmic and could have some subtext. The last line of the poem talks about flying away with someone. Is it somebody or the birds the narrator wishes to fly away with? My heart says it could be a lover but my head wants to second guess that. I'm not sure it was intentional but I do like how subjective this last line is.
The video embedded at the bottom of the poem re-enforces the flight imagery throughout this piece. It plays smoothly and is a great visual to include.
I do not see any grammar or spelling errors to correct. Although I wasn't sure what form of poetry this was supposed to be. Free verse is fine as is any other form. You met the vital criteria of the activity this was written for, it is exactly eight lines and does a good job addressing the prompt.
I think this is a good entry for the book you were making. I had no idea Avril was still writing and performing songs.
So I don't have a whole lot of feedback. The video embedded worked and the entry fit the activity it was written for. The words you used to describe the song matched what I saw in the video.
There weren't any grammar or spelling errors. I found the use of emoticons in the entry to enhance the writing refreshing. I haven't read many items that do that.
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