Hey!
I pulled this poem off the Shameless Plug page. You said you were drowning, and I thought that I would help pull you out of the water...
Before writing this review, I took a look at some of your other poems, and this one seems vastly different than your others. Maybe that's why you're having a difficult time with it? I know that when I write something that's vastly different than my normal style, I feel like I am drowning, too. Just something I thought I would put on the table before I give you my thoughts on your poem...
The following suggestions, pertain to the entire poem. But, I will use your first stanza to illustrate my suggestions.
First stanza...
standing at the railing, as the sea beneath the stern is churning
she is shielding her eyes, from a thousand flashes
as the waves splinter the sunlight, she is turning
into the wind, to avoid a glimpse of my eyes
Ok, there are a lot of concrete images here, which I feel could be put to better use: the rail, the sea, her eyes, the waves, the sunlight, and the wind.
As I said, those are strong images, which really stand out in this reader's head. But, as a reader, I feel that the use of "ing" is dulling your images and stealing the luster from what your trying to portray.
Take the first line, for example.
"standing at the railing, as the sea beneath the stern is churning."
If the "ing" were removed from each word, maybe the line would stronger, more direct. It'd read something like this...
"Stand at the rail, as the sea beneath the stern churns."
Perhaps, if you started your rewrite by just removing the "ing" from your words, it would help you to see exactly how much power each of your images posseses. You could visually see your poem, as it stands now, through your images. After all, images are the voice of poetry.
I think that would better help you, and your reader's, to"see" your message.
These are just suggestions, and I hope they are helpful. Have a great day and keep up the writing!
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