As a lover of mythology I was drawn to your story. I said love not authority and I must say this is the first homosexual creation myth I’ve ever read. That being said, I think you have a good beginning and I would love to see you add more.
I liked that you added the pronunciation of the names in the story. You write that the Gods liked Avasae’s dancing but make no mention of a special interest taken by the two Gods Jacgu and Louvil. You have a real opportunity to play up the conflict between the Gods. Either between the two or by having Avasae rebuff the advances of Louvil. Should Avasae rebuff Louvil’s advances it would give cause for Louvil to devastate the homeland of Avasae and carry out his deadly attack. It also gives credence for the need to have life giving rains. These are just a few suggestions.
I really like the way you summed up the story in the last paragraph.
There are a couple grammar and spelling errors.
The elder was sat in a chair - you don't need the word was in this sentence.
Avasae appeared to Jacgo - you misspelled Jacgu
That is what the rain does for the land, and that are what tales do for you.” - I'm not totally sure about this one but I think you should reconsider your use of the word are. It seems like tenths confusion to me but I could be wrong.
I hope this helps and that you get a good grade on your story.
April
A well written poem about Santa. I think it was great the way you alluded to Santa and all he needed to do to get ready for his yearly ride.
There was only one spot that seemed awkward to me. "The world will have a great concern
if you don't laugh within." I know you're trying to keep to the rhyming scheme but to say someone, especially Santa, laughs within seemed like a mistake because he laughs aloud for all to hear.
Plot: There wasn’t a lot of new plot information relayed in the chapter. It mostly described Kevin’s experience in the hospital. The reader finds out a little bit about Kevin’s family.
Style and voice: remained clear. I knew which character was talking and when it was narration.
Reference: The referencing remained clear and consistent when compared to the first 2 chapters.
Scene/setting:
Characters: The characters are strong and distinct. Their personalities are consistent from chapter to chapter.
There was one inconsistency that I noticed. In chapter 1 a fat, Christian, woman was sitting with Kevin, no mention of name. Then in chapter 2 I believe she is referred to by Officer Lucky as Clarisse Stern and in this chapter her name has changed to Elmira. You describe her as fat in each chapter so I am assuming this is the same woman.
Grammer: Again, not my strongest area but there was a few things that caught my attention.
"I see Dr. de la Cruz consulted earlier tonight and consulted with Dr. Brouwer. I think the d and l should be capitalized. There were many occasions where the spelling of De La Cruz changed throughout the chapter.
I'll give you something another Ativan which will help you relax.
I think there should be a comma after something and again after ativan.
Just my personal opinion:
He blinked his eyes open to a darkened room.
You could try: His eyes blinked open to a darkened room.
Rails. The bed had rails. He must be in a hospital. An IV dragged at his arm.
I think this could use some work. What if you changed, “The bed had rail. He must be in a hospital,” to the thought: The bed has rails! I must be in a hospital.
The last sentence seems out of place here. You might want to mention the Iv when he reaches to touch his face or makes some other movement that would draw his attention to the pull of an IV.
I liked how you defined Hypnagogia in the story. You use a plethora of different terminology from typical writing. Some who are not as familiar with technical medical jargon might find some of the terms difficult. I like it when authors use atypical wording. I helps to improve the vocabulary of everyone. I would just caution overuse of that style of writing as it can turn some readers off.
Plot: The plot continues to develop in that the reader learns of the incessant bigotry within the community. The sweater guy from chapter is found to have been hiding explosives presumably to use on the crowd or in the Planned Parenthood center. New characters are introduced and the only repeat character is the bank officer. I was left with the questions about how the DBs (to barrow a term from the story) could be related. What the initial, main character from chapter 1 might know about his boyfriend and the sweater guy?
Style and voice: Many new characters were introduced in this chapter the student reporter and several police officers of various rank. It seems as if the characters, in this chapter, are divided into either gay individuals or bigots. The way the chapter is written could lead the reader to wonder/believe that detective Sam is gay. There is only one character, Tilisha that doesn’t seem to hold any prejudices towards gay individuals. Each character comes through well, having an individual personality.
Reference: The referencing remained clear and consistent when compared to the first chapter.
Scene/setting: The scene continued to revolve in and around the mall. I liked the colorful descriptors used when setting the scene. I also liked the way the heat was described at the beginning of the chapter. I could almost feel how hot it was outside.
Characters: The characters are believable in that like usually attracts like. While it is a little unnerving to read the bigoted points of view they exist and are well portrayed through those characters.
Grammer: Again, not my strongest area but there was a few things that caught my attention.
"God damned faggot student reporters anyway."
I think there needs to be a comma after damned and faggot.
A officer with a gymnast's taut posture and curly, blonde hair combed in a bouffant waved back.
Should change A officer to An officer
People was still running like scared chickens from the mall, but the action was all over."
I know this is a person speaking and you’ve used poor English in most of your dialect, but was should be were, unless it is a character trait.
Welcome to being a peace officer.
There are extra spaces between the previous sentence and this one.
"Sergeant Hoskin's had us walk the mall and chas out any civilians we came across, but that's it.
I think chas is misspelled and you meant to say chase?
Just my personal opinion: I think people who like detective stories would like this. I am interested to see how the story continues to unfold. This isn’t my usual choice of reading material but I find it well written and interesting.
Title: Sarah goes to school.
Chapter: Short story
Author: Prof Moriarty
Plot: The story revolves around a young girl worried about her family and schoolwork. The little girl is worried because she didn’t finish her school work. The reader is left wondering what will happen throughout the story. It was great to have the answer to that question at the end of the story.
Style and Voice: This was consistent through out. The characters stayed true the personalities projected.
Referencing: This story appeared to take place in the modern era. There was mention of crayons and a school bus.
Scene/setting: At the beginning of the story the reader can only assume where in the home the child is located. In the story, she fell asleep while doing her home work. The reader still doesn’t know where this happens. Next, she awoke from sleeping. In the transition from sleeping to waking it isn’t mentioned or made clear that the little girl was moved. Nor does she address waking up in a different place from when she fell asleep.
For me as a reader, it would have helped to know she was in her bedroom at a desk.
Characters: There are four characters that impact the story. The child is the main character. There isn’t much character description given, though given the length of the story it may not be essential. I did like that finding out that the little girl had blonde curly hair.
Grammar: I’m not the best when it comes to grammar or punctuation. Some things were phrased curiously and I wasn’t sure if maybe they were a local thing or if done on purpose for the story. For example Sarah remembers her uniform hanging in an attic instead of a closet.
There should be a comma between them and and. Whenever your listing three things a comma comes before the and of the last thing listed.
She placed her arms on the desk, buried her head in them and began to sob.
You could use: Sarah awoke with a start.
Sarah woke up with a start
This was written as a thought but then it reads that she shouted. Is this is thought or heard expression?
Mom must be awake! the little girl shouted with glee and ran out of her room.
This section needs some editing. I was confused by the word cereal being plural. Plus, I think some of it needs to be italicized as a thought along with punctuation. Change the period after sleeping to a question mark and capitalize she of the next sentence.
On the dining table, Sarah saw her pack of favorite chocolate cereals and a jug of milk. Mom is fast asleep. Who is getting me ready for school? Did Mom didn’t place the cereals before sleeping. she wondered, brushing aside the blonde curls from over her eyes.
There should be quotations noting that she said the phrase Oh my God.
Oh, My God! She exclaimed when she saw her things placed on the small tool where her mother always left them every morning.
Just my opinion:
Sarah noticed the watch and scurried back to her room.
Saying that she sees the watch seems out of place to me. There is no other reference to a watch. If the statement is to move the story along changing it a clock might seem less awkward.
After I went back home, I realized that I had left behind my room keys.
This is another sentence that seemed awkward to me. You’ve already let the reader know that you are referencing the boy friend’s home. Saying that he forgot his “room” keys is confusing. If he is going home, what would be the purpose of a room key? You could drop the reference to a “room” key and just have it read, “After I went back home, I realized that I had left behind my keys.” Again, I’m not sure if the reference is a local dialect phrasing or not.
I really liked how you ended the story on a positive note. The little girl felt happy and cared for by someone who didn’t previously show affection. I enjoyed the story.
I hope this helps. Please use what you like or not, totally up to you. Let me know if you have any questions.
Title: Entangled
Chapter: chapter 1
Author: Max Griffin
Plot: Isn't totally clear at this point. You gave the reader a clue to the plot with the mysterious shooter. You left me with a lot of questions. What was the sweater guy’s objective? Bank robbery or targeting gays? Not sure how sweater guy would know Khalid’s character was gay so, I’m assuming it was an ATM robbery gone bad. What will happen to Kevin next? What would cause Khalid to pick up the sweater guy’s gun?
Style and voice: The main character of Kevin dominates this chapter and I feel his personality is one of a worrier. There is no clear reason as to what has happened in his past to form this trait, not that there needs to be. I also get the sense that he is a normally gentle person who enjoys his relation with Khalid and loves him very much.
The secondary characters help to move the story along and add to the scene. I noticed in a previous review another person questioned the use of the word “meshuggener”. I like this cultural reference. I feel it gives the character depth and grows the reader intellectually if they are unaccustomed to the phrase. The chapter isn’t dominated by such language so I don’t feel it distracts from the reading. It feels natural.
Referencing: The story follows a modern day time frame with through the use of cell phones. I think you do a good job using referencing to enhance the scene. You use most of the five senses to describe what is happening. I don’t think you mentioned smells in the mall or of blood. That is one option you may want to consider.
Scene/setting: I really enjoyed some of your phasing while describing the different scenes and action taking place, such as the crowd “boiling” away from the action. It really gives the reader a different way to perceive the action.
Characters: I think the way you sprinkled character description throughout the chapter helped to form their image for the reader without overwhelming them with too much character description all at once. Carrying snippets of the description throughout the chapter and story help the reader to picture each character. I think you did this well with the main character and even with the secondary characters too.
Grammar: Not my strong suit. It seemed to me that you mostly double spaced at the beginning of a new sentence (not everyone does). I would suggest editing for this slowly as there are some sentences were you missed the double spacing.
Just my personal Opinion: I found the story difficult to read because it was graphic during the shooting scene. Not sure if that is a bad thing, because that means it was well written enough to seem like you were writing from experience. I didn’t like the descriptor of the “fat” woman. There are many other words that could be used that are more pc but here that is just my opinion. I think overall it is a well written chapter.
Line edits: This is the only thing that stood out to me.
Missing the word of between string and syllables.
He started to slip the phone back into shirt pocket, but it spouted a string syllables too faint to understand. He lifted the device back to his ear. "What? I missed that."
Title: The Princess Who Lost Her Smile
Author: Prof Moriarty
I see that this placed well in a contest. I will write my review under the assumption that there were restrictions as to length. That seems common to me and would have an impact as too how much detail a story would have. Given that I will comment on areas that I would like to see more of in case you plan to extend the story later on.
Plot: I liked the way you revealed the plot. It was well written and clear. The way it unfolded made sense and added to the emotion in the story. I was left with a few questions. What happened when the princess caught up to the magician? and what did the characters look like?
Style and Voice: The style and voice of the characters stayed true to their description. If one did change you provided a clear reason or cause as to why the voice changed. For example, the King's did when faced with a challenge.
Referencing: You make references that lead the reader to place the story in medieval times. These are through information "traveling", transportation either by foot or horse. You also give references to fantasy aspects in problem with the Princess and that is was caused by magic. The character of the Roland.
Scene and setting: This story took place in a courtroom. There was no further description of the room. This is an area you could expand upon. Give the time reference there are many ways you bring the room to life for the reader. You could add royal detail, describe how people are separated by rank and through the smell of a packed room. Incorporating more of the five senses would bring the place more to life and put the reader in the room. The way it is written I feel like I am watching from a distance instead of inside the room.
Characters: There are only a few characters to the short story and each one is important in moving the story along. I thought you gave them strong voices. You gave some clues to their description but not enough to really "see" each character well. Again this is an area where you give more detail and really bring the characters to life.
Grammar: While this isn't my strong suit, nothing stood out to me.
There is an extra space between, Alexandria. He
Minister Palos grimaced at the question and fell silent for a few moments. Clearing his throat, he started again. “He is not one of us, but a foreigner from Alexandria. He professes to be a sorcerer and says that he cast the spell on the Princess,” Palos mumbled.
There is an extra space between, that impressed (it is hard to see here)
“The Princess wanted a magician to entertain her friends. Her maids heard of Roland and presented him before her. They say that impressed by his skills, the Princess asked him to name a reward. The foolish man produced a rose from thin air, kneeled before the
Princess and said…”
Those were the only mistakes I noticed.
Just my opinion: I enjoyed the story and can see why you placed so well. In a very small amount of words you told a great story that held a lesson too. Great Work.
I find this piece difficult to review. I know how frustrating it can be to see that a number of people have looked at and hopefully read my work without leaving a review. As such, I try leave a review for each piece of writing I read. That's one of the reasons we are all here, for the support. There are times when the pieces are very personal and emotional for the writer it makes it difficult to critique and I feel that this is just such a piece.
I didn't notice any spelling or punctuation errors. Basing my review on the thought that this is a piece writing from truth and not complete fiction, I found the writing good. I think you brought the reader into a world that many may connect with on a deep level. People experience the loss of innocence differently and at different times. I think you've done a good job at showing others how there is more of the story then what they might think.
I feel sad for circumstances but then it makes me think of my own hardships. I think of my friends and the discussions about their hardships. I thought about the ways each person has chosen to deal (or not deal) and over come those hard ships. I am encouraged because those losses and over coming are what harden us and make us stronger. I hope through that hardship you were able to find strength.
This probably isn't the kind of review you were expecting. I hope it helped and that your able to take something positive away from it. Please contact me if you have any questions. I'd be happy to chat.
I knew from the tittle this would be a chuckle of a story. I am glad to say I was not disappointed and did chuckle at the end. I found the character to be high energy and the pace was quick to match. I liked the build up to end but must admit I was a little disappointed that you didn't give more of a description about what everyone found in the kitchen or how many pizzas where stuffed into the oven. However, I recognize it is the author's choice to allow the reader to draw their own conclusion.
I found this to be a very well written yet sad poem. I needed a tissue by the end. I think you captured the love two people can feel despite what the world can rain down. I liked the gentle rhyme scheme.
This was my favorite line:
Please, don't go on angry,
The hand that we were dealt."
I didn't notice anything that needs to be corrected.
I find this to be an interesting yet confusing piece. I was intrigued by your tag line of "how long does a life time last". I would suggest some more editing in how you've set up your paragraphs. The large paragraph is difficult for the eye to follow and read effectively. It causes an interrupted flow in reading the story. It could be the way you've entered the piece into your profile. Check the setting you have selected for spacing. It could be as simple as selecting to have paragraphs double spaced. This would give a break line in between paragraphs making it easier on the readers eye to follow the writing.
Some of the imagery you used blurred and became confusing. I wasn't sure what type of setting or events you wanted me to see. For example: While on the train, he (I think is main character) is looking to an older man and asks how to get to Park Slope but the next line references a woman looking at her watch and fleeing.
It isn't clear what the Ta-tuff-ta-tuff noise is or why it is important to the story. At first I thought it may have been related to a train since you make reference to a compartment but then the noise returns when he is standing at a podium(?).
You have an interesting idea started. Try looking at it from the perspective of someone who knows nothing about your piece. Some thoughts might need some explanation to help the reader see your intent. It can be difficult to acknowledge some of these things when they are inherently understood by the writer. At least that has been my experience. I hope this helps. Keep writing, you've got the start of a good story. Feel free to ask me any questions about this review if you're confused by any of it.
I struggle to define how I view this poem. It could be that I'm not fully understanding some of your meaning or imagery. For example you use the lines:
Or beasts still living, running away,
Seeking the kill, keeping hunters at bay.
I don't understand how the beasts are "seeking the kill", while running away at the same time trying to keep the hunters at bay. If you intended that the hunters are "seeking the kill" and the beasts are trying to keep them at bay, then to me, you may need to rework that last line. It seemed confusing to me.
Other then that, I think you've captured the tumultuous times in the work environment. The hard work and dedication that isn't always seen as a reason to keep people. The way no matter the relationship or skill level there is always the fear of cut backs and job loss. I hope this helped. If I misunderstood your intent with the phrasing please let me know or disregard, but always keep writing.
Given the message of this poem I would think that you've been around some people I know. You have a great insight in your work. I think you really captured the meaning and effect fair weather friends have on others. I liked the flow and easy read. You did a great job with organizing the stanzas I liked the back and forth.
There is one line I'm not quite sure about in the last stanza. It seems out of place. "Masks cast off now, only faces remain" I'm not sure if you mean that the "masks" have left, leaving behind only friends? When I first read it I thought it read as the friends took off their masks. That didn't make sense to me because the friends didn't wear masks. So I'm inclined to believe you meant that they left.
It is a cute, silly poem. I picture Thump as a big, purple, hairy bump, kind of like a Muppet with really big feet and a bulbous nose. I don't know why but that's what your poem inspires in me. ;)
It has good flow and easy rhythm to it. I wouldn't recommend changing a thing. Keep writing
What a great twist at the end! For such a short piece it really pulls you into the emotion and fear of the whole scene. There were a couple of typing errors such as a few I's that were not capitalized and a few missing apostrophes. Other then that I found it to be an exciting piece. Great Job! Keep writing
Both your folder and subtitle suggest this poem is for children; however after reading it through a few times I’m not sure you quite hit the mark. I can see the imagery you’re trying to convey in a few words and the lesson about moderation. I feel both thoughts get muddled and lost in trying to make it rhyme.
If this is for younger children - I’m guessing 3-6 years of age- then I would suggest using simpler more direct wording. Painting a colorful picture with an even tempo and easy flow to the stanzas.
At that age children don’t piece together reasons why the elephant shouldn’t or what might prevent him from having more. You should explain that in a verse giving the children reasons why moderation is good or stating what outside forces prevent/caution over indulgence.
I hope this helps, these are just my opinions based on many, many years of working and raising children. If you have any questions please write me back and will try to answer as quickly as I can. Keep writing.
This is a very moving poem with deep meaning. I feel odd saying I like it because of the dark and sad connotations but I do. The way you presented each stance and the rhyming you use made for a smooth and easy flowing read. I feel that each stance is masterfully written with so much depth of meaning and weight. There was one typo, third line from the bottom the I'm is spelled with a quotation sign.
That's a really cute story. I chuckled once I realized who the criminals really were. I liked the way you started leading the reader to believe one thing was happening but just when you thought you knew where it was headed, a masterfully planned and executed twist! Great job
You elicit great emotion through the poem. I like the way you show one's uncertainty then strength of conviction they garner from their own parent.
There was one stance that was a little awkard for me. At first, I thought it was a back and forth conversation; until I re-read it to realize it was him talking. Could've been punctuation that through me; but after some thought it might work better if instead of -
“Tell me mother,” he says,
As tears fall from his eyes.
“Is it worth it?
“I am in so much pain.
you could try:
"Tell me mother," as tears fall from his eyes.
"Is it worth it?"
"I'm in so much pain," he says. - Hope it helps. Great poem!
That was a very moving piece. I loved the imagry and picture you painted simply with words. You elicite great emotion in the reader through the lonliness and mystery. Great work, I look forward to reading more of your work.
That was a really great short story! I hope you have plans on expanding it. I like a strong will woman character that learns to trust and let others in because of a man just as strong and stubborn. I'm interested to know if she beats it for a typical happy ending or if she looses the battle after having a remarkably deep, loving but cruelly brief connection.
I found this poem to be thought provoking. Especially, given the tag line describing your inspiration. I appreciate the structure and style used. I like the way you show the struggle against oppression and the perseverance. Great work.
I know it says this piece is a short story but it has a lot of potential to be more. You have a great base of action to work with. I would challenge you to see how you could add to the story by showing the events through interaction and dialog along with the five senses. Great job, keep writing!
I like the concept so far. At first I thought it jumped around a bit but after finishing this part I can see where your going by providing the snip its.
A couple of things, you may want to re-read, "Oh, please call me Elizabeth. Why should we be so formal, a general like yourself of the German army will surely allow a woman to find out what exactly what it is that he wants from her." To be sure that’s how you want it to sound.
The other thing was when you mention Elizabeth’s realization that she had to move around a lot. In your writing the painting and her first life time was 1525 but the realization doesn’t happen before 1692. One would think this realization would happen soon after her first resurrection.
This is like writing 101. Being new to writing, I had no idea about a certain look to the dialogue tags, or the change in using adverbs. This has me rethinking a piece that I'm working on. Thank you for a well thoughout and easily understandble article.
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