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Review by satiana Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hum, it's promising but I felt that it was lacking. I don't know what Ijen looks like or her brother for that matter. Even a brief discription of the two of them would bring worlds of dimensions to your story. When she's thinking i'd either make it italics or just us '. When you put the " it means she's speaking it.

You have a lot of exposition and history pushed into one paragraph. Personally I think it would make the story run smoothly if you showed and didn't tell that. I'm not one to preach on that because I tend to do the same thing. I look forward to reading more of it.
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