I found this amusing to read. You have good examples of door-to-door salesmen in the past: toting entire sets of encyclopedias... lugging cumbersome vacuum cleaners to your front door. And the Fuller Brush man! Don't forget him. LOL I enjoyed the conversation between the man and his dog. I found no errors, wordiness, or redundancies in this well-written story. Write On!
This is very emotional. I can feel your pain over losing the man you love without an explanation. I can feel the hurt of losing more people that you were close to: your grandmother and most of your friends. This must have been difficult to write. Things are going to get better for you in time. Sometimes life throws you a curve ball, and you just have to catch it and throw it right back. C'mere and let me give you hug......
Very well written! What else could go wrong, eh? This is an entertaining read. I am still smiling. I can't help but wonder where that noise coming from. You painted a vivid image of the chaos that ensued in that apartment. Let's hope he learned his lesson! Good job...
Reading this makes me proud to be an American! This country really came together on 911. It was amazing. Amid the ashes, our flag rose in all its glory. You captured what Americans were feeling that day nicely. I thank God for our freedom too. Write on!
You did good on this. You accurately describe the emotions of someone living with an alcoholic. People have a tendency to shun drunks, and the alcoholic's family doesn't have many, if any, friends.
One thing I found:
I walk up on conversations that suddenly stop with a wild, cautious look in their eyes... (this sounds like the conversations had a wild, cautious look in their eyes. I know that's not what you mean, but that's how it reads.)
This is very true-to-life, sad to say. Children having children and not knowing how to care for them. It's a learning process like anything else. The grandmother seems to have a chip on her shoulder and the attitude of 'you made your bed now lie in it.' She doesn't seem to have any concern for the baby or its mother. In fact, I sense she feels the pregnacy was a personal affront against her. What a shame... The teen made a mistake. Now she needs guidance and instruction and help in her sudden leap into adulthood.
At the end when Child Services show up, I wonder if they have come for the baby or for both mother and child. Write On!
"Don't look at me!" The (the) grandmother shouted.
Pegi, you were very fortunate to have been raised by such a wonderful, caring man. Many children aren't so lucky. This is a very emotional read. The last part of this actually had me in tears. You should feel blessed that God left him with you long enough to meet his grandchildren before calling him home. [hugs...]
hehehe... this I can relate to: walking with a third leg, store-bought teeth because the natural ones are obsolete, forgetting where you left your memory (well maybe not yet for that one... er, what was your name again?)
I loved reading this. The poor man is in denial! He's NOT getting old. I especially liked this: I will merely become less young with each passing day--oh and these words of wisdom too: now if I could only get my body to get with the program... *grin* Write On!
Shaking my head... this man needs to get a life. Obviously he is alone too much and drinks too much. It was weird enough when he considered Toadalee his new BFF, but then he pours her and all her toady relatives Margaritas! What a guy! Personally, I think he's one can short of a six-pack. (maybe the toad took that can)
Seriously though, I got a real good chuckle reading this story. It made my day. It moved right along, nice and smooth, making it easy to read. Nice job!
Some things to consider when editing:
where ever (wherever)
hopoed along side (hopped alongside)
NBA players (player's) fist
Totally silent, but vigilant. (sentence fragment... suggest adding it to previous sentence)
I'd (I) didn't
spent together, (?) so (So) I took the pitched (pitcher) and glasses
Very emotional story... Jessica's letter to Santa brought a tear to my eye. Children have a hard time understanding about war and fighting for your country and daddy being so far from home. As I read on, the story got sadder. Jessica found a reason to smile, though. Santa was bringing Daddy home!
Is this a true story? If so, it must have been difficult for you to write. God bless you all...
This is a beautiful tribute to your Dad, Milt. (or any father for that matter) Very precise, clear-cut writing that doesn't contain any excessive wording... You get right to the point, going methodically through the definitions, choosing some and tossing others aside, until you finally have what being a father means to you. You wrote this well. I enjoyed reading it. Loved the last line!
Now I can relate to this story since I've been there myself. Life is never the same once you have kids, is it? It takes some getting used, this lifetyle change . You give some good examples of before WR and after. It's obvious you can't go back to what it once was; the kids are here to stay. You don't want to anyway, even if you could, right? You'd miss all the little things they do that make you smile. You did a good job weighing the pros and cons. Write On!
very emotional story... and sad too because of the treatment of Negroes in the South in 1947. I am ashamed of Americans during that period of history. I thank God you survived without a doctor and medical attention. Your poor mother... twenty hours of labor with nothing to ease the pain. This is a story that needed to be told. Am I right? And you told it well, Claudia. It touches the heart.
Some things I noticed that you might want to consider when editing:
seventeen year old (seventeen-year-old)
four foot high (fout-foot-high) porch
removed the veil (and) cleared my mouth and nose
hand crotched (hand-crocheted) clothes
my birth (.) I was placed
best wishes, (.) they (They) brought the gift
Men (,) women and children
mother's thick hair, (.) they (They) rubbed lotion
night gown (nightgown)
mewling like a kitten(.) they (They) placed me at my mothers (mother's) breast
This article is extremely well written, Betty. There are no errors that I could see. It is very informative with wise advice to senior women from a woman who has been there herself. It is not easy, and certainly overwhelming, for a woman in her golden years to start over. You show us that it can be done--that there is life after divorce (or in some cases death) and happiness to be found. You are a survivor, Betty. I am proud of you, and the emotional support you offer to others now. [hugs]
<b>You have been reviewed by the Amateur Angels</b>
Well said, Joey. This line says it all: "Hate the war but love the soldier." And we do love and appreciate every one of the men and women who put their lives in danger every day for us. Thank you. May God bring you safely home.
This is a bit confusing to read with you suddenly jumping from the present to remembering bits and pieces of what happened on that rainy night. Suggestion: To help the reader with the transition of going from the present to memories of the rainy night and back again, put the parts concerning his thoughts about what happened in italics. (just an idea.)
At one point Jake is on the median talking on the phone to Roger and Roger says, "Okay, calm down and take a seat." Telling him to take a seat on the median seemed like a strange thing to say. Then I remembered Jake was only on the median IN HIS MIND. I missed the connection at first. (maybe I'm losing MY mind)
I like the concept of this story... very clever of you to think of it! Jake certainly has a unique way of blocking out a traumatic situation. Poor Jake... I couldn't help but like the guy, even though I felt sorry for him. Write On!
This is very well done. With or without dialogue, you did not deviate from the storyline. You followed the prompt precisely, and the story you chose to write flowed fluently and hooked the reader in. Good job!
Belle tightening (tightened) her grip on the receiver
You have the beginning of a solid story here. This being a first draft, it'll need a bit of polishing to get it ship-shape further down the line. Many teens will be able to relate to this story, I'm sure. Keep working in it, Ashlee. You're relating the events well so far. Keep building on it...
Well written and concise.... I found the content very informative as the author took me step-by-step on how to lose those extra pounds. Some things I knew, but I learned a few things too__ like taking a vitamin (who would have thought) and eating a large breakfast, medium-size lunch and a small dinner. The best advice? No eating after 8 p.m.!
touching story.... I like the way the soldiers, in the midst of despair, found comfit by raising their voices in song, singing the traditional Christmas carols that brought them closer to the homes they missed so much. I felt sure the chaplain's words were what every man was praying for on that Christmas Eve.
Consider the following when editing:
When they got awake good, one of them sang "White Christmas."
(Suggest: When they were wide- awake...)
As he sang, thoughts of the battle-hardened veterans drifted (to) loved ones at home and activities there.
One soldier suddenly pointed toward a funnel shaped (funnel-shaped) cloud on the ship’s starboard side.
As all eyes watched the mass of swirling clouds, (as) it dipped and darted.
Very descriptive... fills the reader with anxiety as the couple struggles to keep from drowning... a feeling of shock as the reader realizes the man in the bushes will not attempt to save them... I hope he can live with his guilt. It's between him and God now. Well written.
I enjoyed reading this. The story fits the prompt well! I must say Old Man New Year was a bit of a grump. But then he had a hard year, didn't he? WRITE ON!
What a powerful poem! Definitely a wake-up call to those who have plenty. Children shouldn't have to suffer like that--especially when there are people who have more than they do that could help. It'd be a drop in the bucket to them, but mean the difference between life and death to children in Third-World countries.
This is a wonderful tribute to Flight 93 and all those brave men and women on board who gaves their lives to save so many more. I'm sure they must have been terrified, but they didn't let their fear control them. They gathered their courage and did what only they could do. They are true heroes, and we will never forget them. You did an awesome job composing this.
This is truly remarkable. As you say in the article raising children and writing at the same time is not an easy task. You give some very good advice on how to make the job easier. I liked the list of what priorities should come first. The ending is very inspirational.
As a mother of two and a full time (full-time) writer I understand how challenging it can be to have two very intense careers and try to blend them together.
As a parent, especially a single mother, it's impossible to disappear into the study for hours and surface with bags under our eyes, coffee stained (coffee-stained) teeth, frazzled hair and a satisfied, although exhausted, smile on our faces.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sashi
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 2:52am on Nov 11, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You accurately describe the emotions of someone living with an alcoholic. People have a tendency to shun drunks, and the alcoholic's family doesn't have many, if any, friends. 
but then he pours her and all her toady relatives Margaritas! What a guy! Personally, I think he's one can short of a six-pack. (maybe the toad took that can) 
