Hahaha, I loved this poem, it reminds me of my advanced marketing class!
The presentation is fresh, clever, and original and the message was superb! The fact that the numbers all add up (yes, I actually whipped out the calculator just to see) is icing on the cake.
I liked this. I'm not always one to gush over poetry about love, being the cynic that I am, but this one did not strike me as painfully mushy (no "I wuv you"s etc.).
On the contrary, I can sense the passion of the poet, but I think that it's still a little hidden, perhaps because the poem is so small. I think the following lines distract from your meaning: "Eyes clear as crystal glass, They open my soul releasing sorrow".
My favorite lines were the last two. They were direct and unmistakable.
Overall, above average, but I sense that you have more talent than you're letting on.
Though I'm not a huge fan of rhyme scheme - mainly because I think that it forces lines and seems unnatural - I enjoyed this poem and I enjoyed the rhymes. It is very visual; the discriptions are vivid enough that I could just see the wandering traveller.
I did not see any glaring grammatical mistakes nor did I notice any spelling errors or typos. Well done. :)
Overall, a brilliant poem. Welcome to writing.com!
This was very tough for me to read, even though I am not a mother and I don't have any medical background. I'm very sorry for your loss, I cannot even immagine how that must feel.
Grammatically speaking, the piece is sound and I couldn't think of any way to improve it; I was captured from the very first sentence to the very last tribute. I don't know all of the termonology, but I don't think that they require explination; the presentation was written well enough that I got the general idea.
I gave you 5 stars because I can't think of any possible way that this piece can be improved.
I love the flow and rhythm (if you can call it that); any sing-songy poem about jazz would be all wrong. It actually reminds me of a jazz musician going about expressing himself with no rhyme or reason.
Hahaha, this story reminds me of being a teenager. I have a very strange mother too, so I can empathize. Though, my mom was more apt to dislike eating other people's food because she was so worried that someone hadn't cooked it properly and she would inadvertantly get food poisoning... funny to think back on it now but there were some awkward situations that came out of it!
My favorite line:"So, allowing myself to be humiliated by her almighty measuring tape is more open-minded than say, my sister buying deodorant although, heaven forbid, she turns radioactive anyway from the B.O. ..." Haha, very clever.
Welcome to writing.com! I look forward to reading more of your writing.
One poignant example: I received an email entitled "Bill of No Rights" (it actually got really popular over the internet, maybe you've even heard of it) a few years ago. Much to my horror I realized that it was the EXACT same essay that was written by a friend of mine when he was running for Senator in Mississippi. The email was accredited to none other than our good friend "Anonymous". Ugh. I was so angry!
I appreciate your writing this; I don't think people realize that those who took the time to write the words deserve some credit, at the very least.
I loved this! It is beautifully written and very poignant. The story is a sad one but somehow, strangly, uplifting.
I look forward to reading more of your work!
My favorite line:
"He was successful for five years and then one day he tried Methadone himself and was hooked like a fish on a poisoned line." I'm not sure why, but this line was very powerful. I think it is the comparison between a happy, successful life and a fish with no hope.
Nit-picking:
"... a respecter of no man or woman, garbage collector or physician" I didn't really get this sentence, it seemed a little out of context to me.
"I pray someone that understands would offer a hand and heart to guide me home." This sounds a little confusing to me; it might sound better as: "I pray that someone who understands would offer a hand and heart to guide me home"."
"I was at the Center because I had a chronic painful disease that had led me to physicians that dispensed pills, Vicodin, Codeine, Valium, Lorcet, the list goes on." I think the comma after pills should actually be a colon.
What a great idea! This is so clever; it's like when you come across something and think, "now why didn't I think of that?" Three words is just enough to get some vague idea across while leaving it open-ended enough for the next person.
Picking teeth with cockroach legs? Bleh. Pink spotted Toyotas? Classic.
I liked this! It's small but I love how you ask questions and then answer them later in a daydream-y, romantic sort of way.
My favorite part is why the grass is green. Beautiful and inspirational.
I just saw a couple of technical errors:
- "As the moon peered over thw lake...": "thw" should be "the"
- "The sky is blue because everyones...": "everyones" should be "everyone's"
- "The grass is green because it is envois": "envois..." should be "envious"
- "Ofcorse I have more questions...": "Ofcorse" should be "Of course"
Other than those few errors, I thought the piece was adorable.
This is absolutely beautiful, it touched (and broke) my heart. It's rare that a poem can make you want to get up and go do something for the community right then and there, but this one definately has that affect.
My favorite part was: "She needs to feel a loving arm/One strong, yet gentle; one fair." I think that adds a lot to the poem; it shows that the little girl is not looking for a handout but instead love and fairness.
This is very beautiful and insightful; I love the way you were able to show the entire process of life and death through a little boy's idealic eyes while keeping your adult insights. This is VERY well written and I think it's wonderful. Very sad but very hopeful.
Hahaha! You just had me actually laughing out loud, and I have to forward this link to my dad, he'd love it. This is great, wonderfully creative!
There's very (read: very) few dialogue-only pieces that I've really enjoyed; they always seem forced and don't flow naturally; this one however tells the entire story with words that are believeable.
I don't know how to say this but with: "Awww!" You're very sweet to have written this for your wife; what a lucky woman.
There is no break in meter or rhyme, and though it's sing-songy it's not annoyingly so. The rhythm flows easily and naturally, and it's a fun read.
I enjoyed this very much. Wish I had a nice guy to write me poems. I guess I'll settle for my sweetheart's attempts at "roses are red, violets are blue..."
Wow, what a way to make someone think... I'm almost speechless, this is lovely! This is one of those you just can't help but bookmark.
I rated this a 5 because I think it's a wonderful idea with a clever delivery, and I can't imagine a better way this could be written. It's very, very beautiful.
Having lived on the beach most of my life, I like to think I've gotten to know mother ocean pretty well. This is a beautiful poem. The meter is just right and consistant all throughout the piece, and I love that there is no rhyme scheme. I'm so jealous; I wish I could write in free verse.
Beautiful. I think you did a great job of bringing emotion to the piece, which is what I consider to be the hardest part of writing any poem.
I enjoy free verse but I think that, more often than not, poets run too far with their poetic license and wander off from the poem's natural form. I think you have managed to avoid that here, and I think the piece flows beautifully.
I found no technical problems; very impressive and insightful for a 13-year-old!
Aww! Having just lost the love of my life to a long-distance station -- curse the military sometimes -- I am a little tender in this area, but I was able to read this without rolling my eyes or having them tear up. It's so great when love works out; you should consider yourself very lucky.
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