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| I am incredibly in-depth that when I first joined this site I spent literally hours on my reviews, and I still do this especially with Novels and longer stories. I am not fluffy and I will be detailed as all possible. I pride myself on my reviews and the time I spend on them. |
| Pointing out fixes, typos, tinkering with things to make your writing more powerful. I'm good at loving what I do and how hard I work on studying your work and how I can help you. Even a 4.0-5.0 review will be at least 1,000 characters if not more. Why? Because 'great job' isn't all I can say if you get a higher rating from me. I will pick out all those awesome parts and might even give you some ideas extra. |
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| Blogs since they need some loving too, Poetry, Novels, Short Stories, Erotica, any and all things with everything in-between. |
| Not really too much I don't like... maybe romance? If it's not done well. |
| Anything else that doesn't speak to me. If I can't help you get stronger with your craft then that is the type that I can't review. |
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First impressions- This reads as kind of like a way down to your head, your thoughts, and what's going on. Less of a story, more possibly like an essay. There's a lot of words that work well to strengthen your message of grief and how it has personally affected you. I really like the "why are you allowed to rest and I am walking with what is left?" There's almost a sense of rhythm, rhyme, in that sentnece. 
I would reccomend maybe not using italics for the entire piece. It makes it a little tricky to read on the eyes, though I don't have the best eyes anyways. 
There's some passive voice in this but since it's not a story you may or may not play with that if you want. Also, a typo and I'd just suggest a reread to catch those kinds of errors. Like: 
Things Which I Enjoyed
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
There isn't too much to edit or change with this poem. Except maybe non-essential words like "but, can, that, though, etc" to tighten up the lines of your poem. 
Okay, some suggestions for you to tinker with: 
I would take the dialogue in this story and separate it. So: "“A boys game,” has it's own paragraph to itself. How it reads now it's that the dialogue feels a little jumbled amid the story. I'd also separate and shorten some of the longer sentences. 
Nothing to really tinker or play with this. You could shorten maybe some lines and if you wanted take non-essential words out. But, honestly, there aren't too many of those when I look over this again. You could also use punctuation with this to create actual breaks in certain lines. But, this is poetry, so punctuation can be used, or not. I've read poets who have used it, and then others who haven't letting their lines continue. It's a personal preference. 
Here's what my suggestion looks like: 
Instead of telling us then you can show us how this feels within the poem. This is just a suggestion and I think it could strengthen it with metaphors to extend the message out. 
The last stanza I felt like it can be reformatted and maybe played with if you wanted. With the assertions leading the first line I thought maybe this person added to the problem. But, then I took a different turn with them leading you to sharing and allowing the fear to dissolve. So, I would maybe play with the wording of the last stanza. 
Like I said with my comment I think most Work to Live vs. Live to Work. I don't think most people are inherently non-fun, commuting, money monsters. But, with the cost of living being higher than what most people make it puts a cononodrum on things. Do we work to live? Or live to work? Or do somehow we get thrown in this inky middle of not having a clue because we just ended up working weeks in a row without a day off?
Nothing to edit or tinker wise. You do a great job saying what you say well so there's no need for a fine-toothed comb on anything. 
I would maybe play around with the last line. Something about it being longer than the other lines kind of made it a little choppier and it drew out longer. Though, I really do like the rhyme of shears with tears. 
like eureka to Mother.- This was a line where I was wondering the metaphor behind it. It may just be me with it, but eureka to Mother I was wondering if it was a play on words for something else? 
The last line you mention in the after notes if it reads weak. It does read slightly weak, just because the lines before are so strong and very vivid with the color, oxygen, what have you going on. I would maybe suggest expanding out this poem past that line, or playing with the 'never being as blue.' with rewording, expanding, or playing with it more. But, this is just a suggestion for you. 
I didn't see anything to edit or change with your poem or the structure of it. 
There aren't any typos or things to fix with your blog post. You answer it well and quickly with the prompt we're provided. 
The main thing that for me may be played with and extended out since this was made for a contest that probably had a 2,000 word limit was the ending. It felt a little more rushed and the details were less detailed then the beginning of the story. I also still had questions afterwards and how the magic worked, and what happened after he woke up. But, this may just be me and is a suggestion for you. 
This really is a great description because you're engaging our sense of smell with this. To put a reader inside of a story more perfectly it's best to engage all the senses and you do a good job having them engaged in this story. This really shows improvement with showing us a lot of things instead of telling us and not interjecting inside of the story to tell us Who this cat might be. You leave it to us to deduce and give us more information as you keep going. 
Nothing to edit or suggest with this item of yours. 
Being startled was startling, scary and weirdly upsetting, experiencing anything was terrifying.- 
I was unsure what 'Gg' or 'Gigi' as Emily called it actually was. I knew it was maybe a camera or a digital memory thing. But, then I was like are we in the future with a new invention? At first I just thought it was a digital camera taking shots of her throughout her life. But, with you saying how they were connected from now on gave me an inkling this wasn't a normal object, maybe. It could be something more advanced that you had created for this story. 
Some links for you to consider to join the blogging community are: "
There are little bits within this poem that I would say need a word or two to clarify things and to correct the tenses possibly. There isn't too much to fix, but the above parts are examples so these are just suggestions for you to play off of if you want.