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Hi SWPoet  !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!
This review is on behalf of your Showering Acts of Joy package.
FIRST IMPRESSIONS: The beginning was very intriguing. The crumpled letter in Lynn's pocket really had my attention. I found myself thinking more and more about it as I read. What a great hook! 
STYLE & POV: The POV worked very well for this story. You managed to include Lynn's thoughts easily without slowing down her narration.
PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot was very interesting. It held my attention from beginning to end. It was excellently paced, each part going at an appropriate speed. The conflict, Lyn''s stepson's suicide, added great depth to the story. Everything worked really well together.
CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: Lynn was the perfect character, in my opinion, to choose as the narrator of this story. You developed her very well. Her personality shone through her thoughts and narrating. I was able to connect with her quite easily, even though I had never been in a situation like hers.
One character I would have liked to learn more about was Tom. Other than his timidity about reading his son's letter, I didn't know much about his character. As the father, he is rather a central figure within the story, though he doesn't make many appearances, and I feel that readers need to know a bit more about what kind of person he is.
Even though this story only had one scene, Lynn as a character developed. Through her musings and talking of the past, I felt like I could almost see her developing through the sad event and growing as a person because of it.
Most of the dialogue sounded alright, but in some instances the dialogue sounded a bit forced. For example, one the cases was Tom's speech when he got to the lake. Although it really seemed to portray his rushed emotions well, it still sounded forced.
SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: The descriptions within this story were great. I could really picture the scene as I read. I really loved the symbolism of the cerulean blue color you used. It worked excellently within the story.
MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): Your verb tenses remained consistent throughout most of the story. However, I have a suggestion to make. I suggest that you use the past participle tense in some instances, especially when talking of past actions and such. If you would like me to give you examples of where I think the story would benefit from the past participle tense, just let me know and I'll be more than glad to help you.
They gingerly stacked each book, trophy, and comic book neatly in boxes.
Lynn watched him, knowing or thinking she knew how difficult this was. The phrase I underlined sounded a bit awkward to my ears as I read.
It was still so raw to both of them, just two years afterward, and she knew he was fighting back the guilt, of welcoming another child in this home, of excitement, downright giddiness at the prospect of a new life in that room where the other ended. I suggest deleting the second comma within this sentence, right after guilt, since it only serves to create an unnecessary pause.
The color was up to the baby’s sex and only God, the sonogram lady and Amanda knew that. The proper term to use is ultrasound technician.
Lynn sipped her coffee, back in the present day, overlooking the bluest of blue all around her. The lake and sky somehow not knowing where one ended and the other began. I suggest connecting these two sentences. The second sentence is a descriptive phrase with no clear subject or verb, and therefore cannot stand alone.
He would never have gone for this, already feeling he had to compete for the affection of his parents with his older siblings. This sentence confused me a bit. I didn't quite understand who the He was in this sentence, since the preceding sentence talked about God.
Or perhaps, he changed his mind a bit too late and sent this child of theirs as a gift, an apology of sorts, or to give Lynn a chance to be a mother to an infant. I would delete the first comma and get rid of the pause it unnecessarily creates. I suggest doing the same in And yet, he had finally found peace, had formed a story around which the events to follow were somehow God’s plan or at least God’s response to a foiled plan by one of his lost children. as well.
She feared upheaval just as Tom did, but she also felt she owed it to his son, no, her son, to listen one more time. I suggest putting the phrase no, her son within dashes, to set it apart more from the rest of the sentence.
These ripples, the result of his actions really did leave ripples. The first part of this sentence confused me.
He probably saved people from her telling of his story, but not himself, not in time.
Was it guilt, no, not really. Peace, perhaps, or just acceptance that what is done is done and nothing she could do would change things. The first sentence (or thought, really) is posed as a question but written as a sentence.
It was darker than she remembered but then, she was in the car on the way home from work, speeding and knowing it was already too late. This sentence really confused me. It had me thinking that Lynn was in a car driving home, but the next paragraph led me to believe she was still at the lake. Try to make the meaning of this sentence clearer so as not to confuse future readers. Also, what exactly was already too later? This unanswered question made me pause in reading the story and had me pondering the answer before I could move on.
She made her eyes blur to postpone the moment, on more second. The word on should instead be one.
As she read, it became evident that so many conflicting messages were crossing paths in his mind, his hand wasn't fast enough to write them all down. This sentence contains two independent clauses. I suggest changing the last comma to a semi-colon to properly connect them.
You guys shouldn't have to be burdened by this knowledge.
Which Hell is worse, the one I'd be living in or the one I might end up in if I can't stay here anymore. This is a question, and should have the appropriate punctuation mark.
Her husband, too, had raw places, though hidden to the world, would still blister at times. I suggest changing the second comma to a semi-colon, and adding the word they before would.
For fifteen years, the held onto a little blame that the girl broke up with him and he was impulsive. The word the should instead be they.
All the "if only's" were as lame as well-meaning mourner's pointing out their fortune in still having one son alive, as if that alone would be balm to their wounds. Then there were those who had the nerve to mention the fate of those who kill themselves, as if any good Baptist doesn't worry about that anyway, for a plethora of minor sins. I suggest changing the word mourner's to mourners. Also, I didn't really understand the last part of the second sentence, for a plethora of minor sins.
She didn't try to hide at as she usually did after a sappy movie. The word at should instead be them.
"Do you want me to paraphrase...no, don't answer that." The first part of the sentence is a question.
After an uncomfortable pause, he startled her when he began to talk again. I was confused as to your verb choice. How exactly did her startle her?
All the way here, I wondered which would be better, impulsive act or pre-planning and coincidental timing. I felt that the word action would work better than act within this sentence.
I hope he didn't do it over a girl-what a waste, you know? Add spacing between the dash. Otherwise, it sounds as if you are making a compound word.
Tom sat on the couch, knees wide apart, elbows resting there and hands holding his head, trying futilely to keep it from falling through the earth. Where exactly is there?
Its like that last week of his life, all the questions they had as parents. The first word should be in the possessive form.
Like a child asking about where babies come from, a good parent should offer a little at a time-just enough but not too much. The dangling modifier you have at the beginning of this sentence says that the good parents i like a child asking where babies come from. Also, add more spacing around the dash.
And so they stood, looking at the lake, now dark as oil now that the sun had set. You use the word now within this sentence.
I was enough to know his words were close to her. The first word should instead be It.
Lynn and Tom were still standing barefoot, Tom's shoes in his hand and his feet dripping on the wooden planks of the pier.
The comma at the end of Lynn reached out toward her adopted daughter, should instead be a period.
Lynn squeezed her daughter's hands firmly and then enveloped her up in a mother hug, while she tried to memorize every little smell, sound, sensation of that connection. What exactly is a mother hug?
MY FAVORITE PARTS: The letter still folded in her jacket pocket, rubbed on the edges, would soon look like the snowflakes she remembered making as a child,. I really liked this sentence. It gave me a feel for Lynn's character. Just make sure that your punctuation at the end is correct.
I felt that the last couple of sentences in the third paragraph were very powerful. They really captured the emotion present that the characters were feeling. The words tugged at my heart as I read.
ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: At first, I thought I was going to be disappointed with he ending. As I read, I really wanted to know exactly what happened with the girl. Was she pregnant? Had she gotten an abortion? However, once I had finished the story, I was very content with the ending. I no longer needed to know exactly what had happened. Lynn's thoughts at the end wrapped things up nicely for me.
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| (4.5)
| (4.0)
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