Hi Jael,
I found this really creative and enjoyable to read! so thanks for that :)
Just a few suggestions, I liked the way it flowed but I found that this line ruined some of the flow for me (maybe just me) - They make pleasure and having fun a priority. - Perhaps you could reword it or even just put a comma after 'fun'
Besides that, I enjoyed the tone, rhythm and alliteration style use in this piece coupled with the fact that it had a complex story to tell. I like how you ended with a good resolution.
Looking forward to reading your other pieces :)
Hi Phillip, I really enjoyed reading this. It sounds like something of a personal experience so I hope you've found your one. It was refreshing to see such a beautiful departure, with honesty. I feel lately people don't value that, they tend to play too many games due to their egos so this was nice to read.
It's late here but i hope I make some sense. Keep writing so I can read more! :)
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