welcome to the world of sad, mournful love poems-- it starts after you realize that the thing that mattered the most is gone and there is nothing that can be done about it.
it never heals-- although i think it will stop when i die and if i get to be with him again-- will let you know when that happens.
I liked your story. I agree, facing the past squarely in the face gives a person courage to face the future.
I would suggest just one change, in the last line you say that you made an impression that you deserved-- I think it may sound better if you said something to the effect that you made an impression that made you feel great and you deserved to feel that way.
I like the way you have written this poem. The broken words and sentences seem to speak for your loss.
I find the caption or the poem description interesting, "a gift once given is now gone, but a heart once given is gifted forever." Would you give your heart to a person forever even if they undermined you as a human being, took your love for granted, humiliated you, abused you?
Heart once given can be taken back albeit bruised and broken, but it can be mended.
I think this is a lovely poem. It fits well in the relationships category, in fact it is quite romantic. I like the lines 'reward me with moments of bliss even if this is done in silence'.
There are no spelling mistakes. The only changes I would suggest are, in the fourth line, I think there is no need for comma after the word 'even'. And the other change is to the second last line-- "exchange breaths with me"; I am unable to understand this line. Maybe as a rewrite it can be "share my life with me" if that is what you intend to say.
Nice poem. Short & sweet.
Sara
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I liked the image you have described in this poem. I can see in my mind's eye, a man sitting on a stone wall with paint stained clothes. An old stone church, grey with colourful stained glass windows stands majestically. The day is fine, maybe even sunny as you describe the sky to be blue with clouds.
Very well described.
When I re-read the poem, I got a sense of what you may have felt-- "unease of artificial movement", "Stripped clean of a soul"-- just some contrasting words in the last paragraph to the peaceful scene you describe.
What were you feeling when you saw the scene?-- it makes me wonder.
Sara
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
The despair and desperation of being separated from something you want most, something you love. How well I can relate to this! You love this person so much, I hope you told them. It is a most beautiful emotion, this thing called love. It definitely hurts when your loved one does not love you back-- if this is the case, if I were in your place, I would be happy to see them happy and be there for them when they need you, be a friend. But you must tell them about your love first :)
The line "Will there be a way to maybe see this through" is incredibly sad.
Great write.
Sara
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
The feeling I get from reading this poem is that the writer has undergone or is undergoing difficult times and is depressed but is determined to make it thru. That is a hopeful sign.
I like the line "I pick up an unknown bulb"-- to me speaks of taking a chance, giving it another try.
The only correction I would suggest is in the 12th kine the word should be "staring" instead of "starring"?
Keep writing.
Sara
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I liked this short story and the message you are trying to get across. The man died peacefully even though is was not ready to die. I guess that's what makes a difference-- being ready to die v/s dying peacefully even if one is not ready.
This is a sweet poem. It is a short one. The repetition of the words 'I miss' relates the anguish. I would suggest that you further describe your feelings of loss. It will make the poem more intense.
I like the lines about the late night talks and how this person made you laugh.
I can see that this is a white case, but I still wanted to rate and review. The piece touched me.
I am fascinated by moving, flowing water too. I must admit that my awe of it holds fear as well because I cannot swim.
What a great idea. I am going to make room in my port for a blog. I am still trying to understand the rules and the bit about official and unofficial months.
I feel like this is more like a prayer-- at least that's what the last two lines say to me. The poem reads like the mourning for a lost loved one. In the third paragraph you ask a dozen times as to where he has gone. I know the feeling well. They are my favourite lines-- "Vanished, perished without a single trace Where have you gone I ask a dozen times". Sad.
I feel this to be a desperately sad poem. It is as if the writer understands the contradictions in their life and yet wants to be understood-- perhaps be forgiven? I am unsure what the second chance is for. I like the way the sentences are broken upon the page. It is in keeping with the title of not connecting.
This is an interesting poem. It starts out with a prayer like wish for a perfect world that may be found only in the afterlife-- where rules are guidelines, no tears and no regrets, where love and peace are free-- no price to pay for them.
And yet the last three lines seem to be very much in tune with the way the world is right now. Although, I think there is still good and decency; we only need to look in the right places.
This poem has many conflicting emotions. It is very clear that this friend that you have written about and the friendship has hurt you. Its is apparent in the line "you misled me a million times" and the contradiction that this person loves you just the same which is very interesting. The third paragraph of your poem seems to say that this person has abandoned you. The last line of the paragraph "maybe you are just faking it" seems to indicate that you are unwilling to accept the truth. Towards the end you move on and yet again there is that contradiction that says it seems so wrong.
The fourth paragraph of the poem seems to indicate that this person may have passed away since you seem to look for them in the stars. If that is the case then you may wish to describe that with an additional paragraph for added effect.
It is a simple poem. The contradictions captured my interest.
Keep writing.
Sara
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This is a such a sad prose. It captures so well the anguish of losing a loved one. I understand now about 'being ready to die'. the lines, "Today I stand part of the early crowd. No one works. Everyone is facing one person who plays the Last Post*. Wreaths are carried carefully by school children and laid as tenderly as they would cradling a dying soldier's head; misunderstanding war." are most touching.
The entire piece is filled with sad imagery-- the one of the wind chimes and sparkling crystals, the pegged laundry flapping in the wind-- I think they are brilliantly used to depict the loneliness.
The questions in the end are provoking-- "where is your loved one now?" "are they happy?".
Isn't it strange that we can be unaware of the desperate unhappiness of the people in our environment or even the ones closest to us?
Quite a thought provoking piece.
Thank you for a great write.
You make a very good point. We are used to denying our emotions even to ourselves, isn't it?
That being said, a very close friend hugged me when I was going thru tough times and said "Its going to be fine" and I responded with "I know". and I knew his hug meant he will be there for me thru whatever happens. I guess its also the way its said. :)
A poem written in moments of bliss-- that is what I feel when I read this. It is great that you feel this way. Enjoy while it lasts. More often than not, we are all bound to something or other-- the exact opposite of free.
As a suggestion, I would delete the trailing periods at the beginning of each paragraph.
Regards,
Sara
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sara.crewe1206
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 10:27pm on Dec 17, 2024 via server WEBX2.
| (4.5)
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
