Awesome imagery of a western poker game. As a poker player myself, I can picture this perfectly in my mind and you did a good job of evoking the feeling of having your money on the line. Even better, that I did learn a bit of western history while reading the poem. I really loved the short story feeling that is told in the form of poetry. Very unique. Good job.
I've never heard of this form before, but it's pretty unique and interesting. I love reading about this subject so I was instantly intrigued. I liked that you provided history upon the subject, and gave your star system a name. But I am also a little disappointed that the name "Pleiades" did not make an appearance in the poem.
My favorite line was: See all but one, forget solitary star: wish.
I love this. I find any stream of consciousness extremely fascinating and you have done quite well.
" If ever you lose your footing:
swap space,
retrace,
and follow
the soundless humming grace."
I found this line very enchanting. It has a very melodic feel to it, that in turn makes the speaker otherworldly. You did a good job on creating a distinction between the meditator, and the speaker.
Instead of the meditator being frightened, maybe you should try the meditator feeling intrigued, fascinated, or blown away by magnificence. Perhaps asking a question that is in turn questioned? In my opinion, giving the meditator a larger role in the prose will cause more balance within the message.
Read this a few times over and I must say, this is a very haunting piece. On one hand, it seems like the natural phases of a romantic relationship (from friendship to love to death). Then, on the other hand, it seems like a relationship that has run out of steam quite quickly.
I really like the ending lines: "Capture, Rapture, Fracture." It gives a great structure for the three main phases of a relationship. And I don't exactly mean a long term relationship but rather all relationships. Just like the haunting of a real relationship, this piece seems to convey that same feeling
My favorite line especially is: "Partners of free will,
'til death's an anvil:
Fracture"
The "fracture" at the end is so different (spelling wise and phonetically) compared to "capture and rapture" that it makes a large impact. I really enjoyed this. I love the style and form of this poem. I wasn't aware of this style, maybe I'll try it out for myself!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/saquin
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 12:55am on Nov 23, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
