Much better. It follows the rhyme scheme that you started in the original version. Overall it is a good poem that has a very interesting message for everyone to think about in the future. I think you have a very creative and interesting perspective. Good job!
The first thing I would like to suggest is to keep the rhyming scheme consistent. Like keeping the second line and the last line of each stanza the rhyming lines. Or you don't have to have a rhyme in the poem at all and it could work as free verse. Otherwise I think the poem is pretty good.
It was an interesting perspective to write in. The tone was perfect and the consistent use of slang was actually helpful. Some of the other work that I've read where they've tried to use slang fell flat. Good job! The only suggestions that I have is to separate the paragraphs a little more. I seemed to want to rush through the reading at times because of everything being so close together so I ended up rereading a few spot multiple times because I rushed through it so quickly. Other than that good job and I would love to see a collection of stories about this poster and guy.
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