The form is flawless---really. Well done.
I almost feel as though it could be song lyrics.
The subject: is readily identifiable to every reader, so you are accessible to a wide, wide audience, I think that is probably a good thing. (it is something I personally strive for, but fall short of.). What is missing for me, is surprise? What do I mean by that? A surprise in the language choices---such as things that don't really go together normally, but in this poetical context are right on. For instance, cement and moon are two words that aren't often put together--but slammed up next to each other--they say something powerful in a surprising way. Surprise could be in the arc of the poem--the reader thinks we are going in one direction, but surprise--in stanza three we make a 90 degree turn and now we are somewhere unexpected.
Wow!!
Okay I'm going to admit that I read it twice. On first read--I thought, huh I don't get it. Then I read it again. Brilliant!! I love the compression. I love how the numbers (15 and 30) and ($100s and 1,000) are multiples of each other. it may not have been intentional--but in flash fiction--this is very grounding. Excellent. Thanks
Your essay was well thought out --- it raises some very strategic points. I'm embarrassed to say this, but a few times I've been guilty of the bad behaviors you outline. It is such a good reminder to me--that there are real live people who are vulnerable behind every posting. It is the easy road to think these are just words on a page. I thank you for that.
Organizationally, I have one suggestion, not a criticism--because its perfectly fine. But, for me anyway, it might be more impactful, if the positive and negative were separated. By that I mean, lump the 'please do this behaviors' all together and then list the "don't do this" behaviors.
I don't like Zombie fiction. But you took me into a believable story and held me captive---great job. Particularly effective was your switching back and forth between news reports and JASON---very well done. Keep writing and send this one off for publication.
good use of dialogue and excellent character development. I do think it needs a bit more setting in the opening. It feels like talking heads in the beginning--it won't take much in terms of revision. flash fiction is tough and you've obviously got a knack for it.
You surprised me and that's a good thing. This piece is fresh and original. I love the way you play with words and ideas. For instance: "let's avoid the future, Let it chase us down, if it can" Great stuff. And "time can leave scars on my freshly healed wounds" Very Nice
You have great things to say here and obviously a lot of knowledge you want to share with your reader. While the information is good--the piece feels scatter. I think it would be stronger if you focused on just resume writing--then in the final paragraph hook the reader into the next article--by teasing them with what comes next.
Keep at it---it will be worth it--you are almost there!!!
This is an interesting piece. I don't understand the 1,2,3 numbering. If it is intentional--then I'm not sure it is achieving your purpose. That said, I do LIKE how the text appears on the page. Usually this if far more important in poetry than in prose--but in this case it really works for you.
Great title--great song. It is very visual and concrete which is important for both poetry and songs. I have only the tiniest little quibble it is in the line "The only sound you can hear "
I think is should say "The only sound I can hear".
Good work. I write internet copy for a number of content providers on the web. This would be a stronger piece if your opening paragraph was stronger--it should grab the reader right away. Great opening sentences bring in readers and possible employers. Your article development was good.
This is definitely song material. Is your fighting angel--and actual soldier? It would be good to know. I love the message in this song/poem--that love can hold us up and make us stronger than we could have been alone. My one suggestion is to look at the stanzas--no two stanzas are the same length--whether this is a poem or a song--this probably needs a bit of work---otherwise fabulous job
Very nice rhyming scheme. Dreams are the place where anything goes--rules are bent and everything is possible. This poem dips into the pool of dreams and looks for the love that cannot yet happen in the real world. In this piece your repeat a lot of words--that is not necessarily bad--but be sure that you are doing so intentionally, either to make a point, or to craft something that leads to new insights.
Very nice use of language and imagery. Both rhyme and meter were nearly perfect. Either the typeface or the lack of white space between stanzas made this a bit difficult to read--so you might want to take a look at that. In the line that starts "With our teeth bare"---I think is should say "With our teeth bared"
Good luck with this piece. I enjoyed it.
It is a lovely notion--a heart is a glass of love. You make a cogent argument for that theory. For me, it falls apart just a little in the paragraph that begins" Should you choose to share the water you yourself worked hard to acquire"--My question is this: Do we WORK to get love? Is it a commodity that the more we WORK the more we get? It is an interesting notion--and one I will have to think about for awhile. Thank you for a lovely read and for making me think.
Rhymed poetry is tough--and you've done an admirable job. What I like most in this poem is your honesty--that is what hits home. Lines like "the winner is always me" and especially the stanza "I may not be beautiful,on the inside or the out,but I want a man who knows it’s me,he cannot live without." It was touching and to the point. My one little quibble would be to pay attention to how the poem is laid out on the page. The visual is part of the poetry. My guess is that you usually are scrupulous about this--but are new to using this submission format. Good luck!! I'll be reading you again.
Yes, it is a bit rough--but a very effective flash fiction. The use of "The Battery Was Dead" throughout--annoyed me at first, but when I got to the ending--I was delighted by its brilliance. Very good work.
I loved the opening line. It got me into the story right away. I also love the last line of Chapter one--makes me want to get to the next chapter. Who is Fat Joe--and what does he mean to both characters? Great stuff.
This scene might be stronger--if there was more of a sense of place. For instance, what was Chris doing while she was talking--what did her face look like? Where was she on the couch? In a chair? Sitting on your lap?
The dialogue here is excellent, very realistic. For a chapter, however, it seems a bit brief. I'd like to know more about the characters in the scene. I'd also like to see what is going on--what does the inside of the plane look like? What gauges are they reading? Etc.
Very good start however. I'm looking forward to more.
This is a poignant story about a child coping with a loss and trying to come to terms with her new environment. For children, a move can be heart wrenching and your story illustrates that very well.
If it were my story, I would lose the last name--it adds a formally to a story--the aches to be informal and intimate.
I liked the part about her praying to God for help--but I would have liked to see God's answer--her new friends, the kindnesses, something illustrative of God's answer.
This is beautiful and except for a few typos, perfect. The language is poetry. When I began it, I couldn't see the dramatic tension building, I thought it would be a failed fiction, but triumphant poetry. I was, delightful so, wrong. This is exquisite poetry, and beautiful fiction. Great, great work.
I love your imagination. The alternative universe of "Revival" is spot on---I love the name. I also loved the Castle of Malice and the power of the lightening crystals. You've got an amazing tale unfolding here. First one pivotal technical piece--break the third paragraph up into smaller paragraphs. This will serve you well for a number of reasons. First--revisions will be easier. Second, for those of reading your work on the computer, it is easier for us to follow. And third, when this is finally published in print it will be easier for the reader to stay with the story.
I have a question where does the chest come from? Readers need to know where the chest came from--does it just magically appear in her room? Has it been there for sometime? If so, why is she just now doing something about it?
You might want to add a chapter of backstory--about the chest and how it came into her possession. Just a suggestion.
--"the window should be "their windows"
__she wanted run should be "wanted to run"
This is an interesting story about a young girl struggling with guilt over the accidental death of her sister. The strength of this story lies in the dialogue and in the death scene. Both create the dramatic tension and empathy that are pivotal to a great story. I'm assuming that this is a first draft, because there were quite a few typos. I like the opening few lines. They were unusual and therefore pulled me into the story. When I got to the part about Now My Mom Drinks--I began to lose interest. I needed to see the mom drinking, the dad at the bar, the brother in juvenile detention--maybe not whole scenes, but enough detail that as a reader I stayed riveted in the writer's world. This is a good story and has real potential. Keep writing, and I"ll keep reading your work.
I liked this poem very much. I loved how you used the metaphor of the hedge hog to represent the pain of unkind words. It is very well-done. I wonder if the choice of the word "crawl" works in this situation. It jars the reader a bit because it rhymes with ball and small--I wonder if "curled" would work instead. Just a thought. Great work. Great poem.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/saoirse1458
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 7:03am on Nov 08, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
