Thanks for sharing this. I really enjoyed reading this piece and I think that it has lots of potential. The general premise is really sexy and you do a very good job of capturing both Gabriella's innocence and her desire. The description of Gabriella is vivid and thorough, though I would have liked to have heard more about Mr. Blake's appearance at the beginning. Also, hearing a bit more about Gabriella's fantasies about Mr. Blake could give the reader some sexy touches before you arrive at the main event.
I had a few thoughts about the academic setting. Since this is set at a college, it seems unlikely that the professor's students would call him "Mr. Blake"--presumably he'd be "Dr. Blake" or "Prof. Blake" (I did really get a kick out of your final line, BTW!) Also, he would be taking a huge risk by doing something like this with a student. I wonder if he would jump in quite so quickly--or would he try to feel the student out to see if she'd be up to it first? I like the line that occurs early in that scene--"His voice got deeper and I could feel it like invisible fingers running over my skin"--and it seems like extending this scene would only make the final payoff even more exciting for your readers.
Finally, I noticed one minor grammar mistake that was repeated a few time. The story uses "it's" as the possessive form of "it"--the correct term is "its" ("it's" is a contraction of "it is.")
Overall, this was a fun, sexy read. Thanks for posting it!
Thanks for sharing this—I very much enjoyed reading this brief introduction to your work. The opening few sentences of the story really grabbed my attention. You've also got some wonderful descriptive phrases within the paragraph: "I had seen more deaths than the devil himself," "blood was the melody that held together the symphony of my past."
It sounds like Demitro's family history is going to be important to your story; I wonder if you could actually spend some more time with it by expanding this opening description. For instance, I would have enjoyed hearing a bit more detail about how Demitrio's mother showed him compassion or what his father looked like.
I know that you're early in the drafting process with this piece, but I did see a few scattered issues with grammar (for instance, "set the trail for what I ultimately become" should be "set the trail for what I ultimately became" and "mothers'" should be "mother's"). Smoothing these out could improve the flow of the story.
I hope that you choose to expand on this piece because I'd be eager to hear more about what is shaping up to be a fascinating character.
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