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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sandreoni
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7 Public Reviews Given
7 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Steve Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
HI. I liked what you wrote. It's a good little piece. Keep in mind, I am not much different then you, in that, I am a beginner writer, but I like to help and not many people will randomly critic on this site...so far. Here's what I liked. It's suspenseful and I am curious to see who these people with the flashlights are and what this protagonist has done. My suggestion is to add more emotion to your character, i.e fear, doubt, maybe even acceptance.
Also in the intro, the phrase Northern Michigan's late July sky is a bit wordy and I think its a fragment. Keep it simple like. 'I remember my sister giggling and laughing as we stared up at the sky. We watched the lights......'
Just a suggestion. The comparison between the lights is cool, I like it. I like that change.
Also identify what lights were in the sky...stars, northern lights?
Good luck.
Steve
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Review by Steve Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I think your message is well received. Your writing is clear except for the strange edit letters that appear throughout your essay. Perhaps that's what we need, a strong leader who can dissuade international youth from entering into a dooming organization.
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