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Review of Changes  Open in new Window.
Review by sanabituranima Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I liked your poem. The repetition inherent in the vilanelle is certainly well suited to your subject. I also liked your use "square" metaphors. Seasons and circles have become such a cliche, and you subverted it well.

However, the metre needs some work. The pair of repeating lines in partcular don't fit the pattern of wirther iambic or trochaic pentameter, and they need to be right, considering that they run through the whole poem.
I would suggest editing "Seasons rush right in, but soon they subside" to "The seasons rush right in, but soon subside". The un-accented "the" at the beginning makes the line iambic rather than trochaic, which is the more usual metre for vilanelles. The word "they" adds nothing to the meaning and means there's an unstressed syllable that doesn't fit.

Have you read "The Ode Less Travelled: Unlocking the Poet within" by Stephen Fry? If not, I highly recommend it. It also comes in an audio book version, which is especially helpful for the sections dealing with stress and metre.
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Review of Outstretched Arms  Open in new Window.
Review by sanabituranima Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I liked the descriptions in this and agree wholehaertedly with the sentiments.It's relaxing just to read.

However, I think you need to put some more thought into your use of line breaks. The words at the beginning and ends of lines are given special emphasis. When you're writing within a specfic poetic form, this is constrained somewhat by the metre, but since this is free verse you have a greater ability to pick where your lines begin and end. This is especially true when a phrase is broken up over two lines - you draw special attention to the words at the beginning and end of the break.

Of course, this is just my opinion, and you may have very good reasons for picking the line breaks you did which I'm just too stupid to see, but I look at some of the words you've emphasised and they don't seem to me like the most important ones. Did you really want the word "nose" given special emphasis, or were you just breaking the line there because you wanted all the lines to be of a similar length?

This is why I no longer write free verse - it's actually much, much harder than well-established forms, because you are totally alone n shaping the sounds. Tried and tested patterns give some guidance.
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